Now that you’ve received your presents (c’mon, even those of us who don’t celebrate Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa manage to finagle some gifts this time of year!), it’s time to take a good hard look at your life. Like it or not, you are defined by your possessions. If you aren’t careful, holding onto useless but well-meaning material items can send you down the slippery slope to your own episode of “Hoarders.” Here are some gifts you should automatically return.
Any DVD
Oh, Mom, don’t you know that within the next five years, we’re not going to have a way and/or a reason to play these? This DVD will end up in that bin with our Disney VHS’s, only to get damaged in a flood in our basement. I love Pitch Perfect as much as the next red-blooded American, but this media-displaying method is not a good investment.
Body Lotion Or Spray
While seemingly a good idea – who doesn’t like to smell nice? - you’re not going to use this item. Until that day that you do, by which point it will have fermented, and you’ll smell like an apple orchard doused in pesticides. And then you’ll have to shower anyway, which we all know that you were desperately trying to avoid if you resorted to you’re Body Shop watermelon crap.
Makeup Kits
Each holiday season, cosmetic companies conspire to put together the ugliest shades of eye shadow in one kit, hoping the juxtaposition of pretty colors combined with a bow will make you overlook how mail-order-bride you’ll look if you wear them. Not to mention how cumbersome these kits are; you’ll be forced to create a special “don’t wear every day” section of your vanity for makeup like this, and you will have no room for washcloths.
Any Physical Book
It’s simple economics. Bookstores charge lots of money for you to have the honor of holding something tangible in your hands, but you can usually find the same stories for much cheaper if you go with the Kindle/Nook/iPad version. Return the books, get the digital copy, and put the rest of the money toward that eye rejuvenation surgery we’re all going to need in 2021.
Mittens
Mittens are the worst. Sure, they keep your fingers warm, but unless you’re a duck, they render you incapable of basic human function. If I were a mugger, I’d aim for people with mittens, people who have actively chosen to incapacitate themselves. Plus, snot is hard to get out of wool.
This iPhone Case
This iPhone 5 case is made of natural sapphires and rubies and costs $100,000. Return this ridiculousness and invest in Apple, who’ll undoubtedly come out with a new phone that doesn’t fit this case in a few months. Or better yet, send it to your mail-order bride (we know exactly the kind of person who gets these cases as gifts in the first place).
What other gifts are an automatic return? Let us know in the comments!
