I just got back from spending the holidays with my girlfriend in my hometown and, let me tell you, it was a nightmare. Keeping her away from the family members, friends, and street hobos who could say something embarrassing was like leading a blind man through a minefield. Normally when I lead blind men through minefields I let them wander around themselves and call tier death an accident, because who's going to tell on me? A dead blind man? But this time was different, since I wanted to continue sleeping with the blind man. Whomever is putting me in charge of leading blind men across minefields is incredibly irresponsible. In any event, here are the family members I learned you CANNOT let talk to your girlfriend.
Psychologist Sigmund Freud postulated that all men are attracted to their mothers when they're born, and fight their fathers for her affection. So when your girlfriend talks to your mother, and they both realize they have so many personality traits in common that they're essentially the same person, well, everyone is made uncomfortable. And not just everyone in the room — everyone in the world. You know how sometimes you're hanging out with your best friend and for some reason you just all of a sudden become uncomfortable? That's because somewhere a girlfriend just realized she's exactly like her boyfriend's mother.
College buddy with the stupid nickname
When your girlfriend runs into your old pal "Blazer" or "Tachney" or "Ringbold", she's going to hear some stories about the person you used to be in college. Sure, we're all different people in college, and hopefully your girlfriend knows that, but it doesn't make it any more comfortable explaining why you had to beat all those nerds to within an inch of their life outside the music room.
That ex-girlfriend who for some reason still hangs out with your family
If the ex-girlfriend who comes to Christmas with gifts for everyone in your family besides you talks to your girlfriend, your relationship is already over. The current girlfriend thinks there's still something going on, she breaks up with you, and you're single again, ready for the ex to swing back into the picture. If you catch your girlfriend approaching the ex at the family Christmas party, you might as well grab the gift you got her out from under the tree and take it back to Target, because it's not going to make a bit of difference. Not like it was anyway. I mean, you were shopping for her at Target.
The brother we keep locked in the attic because of his hideous deformities
It can be hard to explain the seemingly cruel act of locking away your hideously deformed brother in the attic, but it's for the good of society. Girlfriends never get doing something for the good of society, as all the single super villains will tell you.
Your uncle who has a bunch of conspiracy theories
The reason you want to keep your girlfriend away from your conspiracy-obsessed uncle isn't because he's going to reveal to her something about you but because he's going to reveal to her something about THE SYSTEM. And you, being a wealthy corporate tycoon, don't want anyone asking what Benghazi was REALLY about.
I don't want her talking to James.
Who do you hope never talks to your girlfriend? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!