I’m sorry, were you farting sunshine and happiness blissfully unaware that by clicking onto this link your upside down frown is about to be turned right side up into a frown? Because these are the most traumatizing pet deaths in movies, literature and television in the order of least to most traumatizing and it’s about to ruin your day. Enjoy!
10. Herbert (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)
I don’t know about you, but I was way more sad that Herbert was eaten over Principal Flutie similar demise and I love eating bacon and going to school!
9. Antie (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids)
Antie, the domesticated Ant, died protecting the shrunken kids from a violent scorpion attack. His bravery made children everywhere think twice before stepping on an ant hill if only to hedge their bets should they ever find themselves 1 cm sans Oreos.
8. Marley (Marley and Me)
Marley and Me is melodramatic, manipulative and marketed mainly to make you mess your make-up and mourn money spent on the mediocre movie. But damn me for crying all the same while flying from New York back to LA many years ago anyways.
7. Lady (Game of Thrones)
Less traumatizing and more maddeningly unfair, Lady, Sansa’s direwolf, is killed for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Arya’s direwolf Nymeria protects her from douche prince Joffrey and then flees leaving Lady as the only direwolf around to take the blame. Sure there are many, many, many other deaths in these books. But this one in particular seems to be among the cruelest. It’s alright though, I hear all direwolves go to heaven.
6. Thackery Binx
OK, Thackery Binx the cat dies so that his human spirit can be reunited with his long dead family and we’re all supposed to be happy because he’s now at peace. Bull. Sh@#t. Seeing the lifeless cat puppet on the ground who we all fell in love with during the film is not OK. It’s never going to be OK. Why am I already out of Kleenex and we’re only at #6!
5. Hazel (Watership Down)
This entry is a special request from a friend who swears that the gruesome death of these bunnies haunted them for their entire life. I’m thinking about making this my holiday card personally.
4. Old Yeller (Old Yeller)
Most lists about traumatic pet deaths begin and end with the story of Old Yeller. This is the archetypal animal martyr story: Yeller comes to the ailing family and is mostly embraced except by the eldest son. The dog saves the family and gains his love only to contract rabies and must be put down. And not peacefully like Marley. No, not in them thar days. In them thar days they shoot ‘em right above the foaming jaws. Poor, poor Yeller, you died so that children everywhere could cope with death/never fully trust the love of anything or anyone.
3. Hedwig (Harry Potter Series)
I don’t know about you, but when I read that Hedwig, Harry Potter’s owl since the very first book, was killed by a Death Eater I literally threw the book across the room. She died saving him! It just wasn’t fair! DAMN YOU JK! I just realized it’s hard to swear at JK because it just sounds like you’re “just kidding” Observe, “for killing off Hedwig and claiming it symbolized the death of Harry’s innocence you deserve a quick kick to the boob…JK!”. See?
2. Seymour (Futurama)
If you ever want to watch a TV geek cry, just say two words: “Jurassic Bark”. Futurama has a lot of very emotionally wrought episodes, but nothing reduces you to a pile of goo more than the tale of Seymour. You see Fry had the opportunity to resurrect Seymour in the future but suddenly reasons that the dog probably had a great life and forgot about the brief time spent with him. The kick in the gut happens when we the audience find out that Seymour waited for Fry every single day for the rest of his life - forever loyal and vigilant at his post. Thank the hypnotoad that the movie Bender’s Big Score gave the little guy the ending he deserved.
1. Artax (The Neverending Story)
There is no pet death in the history of cinema sadder than Artax in The Neverending Story. One day when we are at war with the robots and people have to determine who is human and who is a skin-job they will play this scene. And even then I think some hardrives would leak, idunno, coolant because it is that sad. And It’s not just that Artax dies, it’s that he chooses to die and there’s nothing his loyal friend Atreyu can do…except watch. OH GOD! I need a moment. Go write a comment or something, I just can't.
What death made you bawl like a little baby? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!