For every successful Ollivander's Wand Shop or Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes that reside behind the Leaky Cauldron on Diagon Alley, there are countless stores with remarkably bad business plans and owners who keep waving their wands and saying, “Reverso Foreclosure!”
Florinelli’s Secondhand Wands
As every student at Hogwarts knows, the wizard does not find his or her wand. It finds them. Unless, of course, you’re on a budget. And so like a used textbook that’s already highlighted, scribbled in, or missing complete chapters, these used wands bring with them all the damage of their previous owners. Temperamental, often mostly twig attached to a stub, and occasionally only capable of spraying acid, secondhand wands may not help you pass your class or avoid jail time, but at their price they do indeed make the perfect stocking stuffer.
Usually on fire or being attacked from within, DragonSmart caters to all your pet dragon needs should you be idiotic to purchase one because an owl seems too ordinary and Aragog won’t fit in your terrarium. The store offers everything from a large shield to hide behind when your adorable pet tries to burn you alive, to a leash with which to attach yourself to a passing broomstick should you wish to fly away before your beloved pet eats you, to Dragon Kibble, which when opened you will realize consists of midgets who immediately run away in terror from your cuddly pet.
The Horcrux Container Store
Though it’s only had one customer in its fifty years in business, The Horcrux Container Store still offers every conceivable storage unit for the shattered pieces of one’s soul, from large plastic boxes that can also hold your winter sweaters to bins that can seal away both your soul and your Christmas ornaments to file cabinets for those who like to alphabetize their evil to even horcrux milk crates for your dorm room. Whether you want to insure your immortality or just make sure your roommate doesn’t accidentally find your soul when looking through your closet for a shirt, the Horcrux Container Store is there for you.
Gringotts Check Cashing Place
Instead of storing wizards’ money or greatest valuables, Gringotts Check Cashing Place simply charges an exorbitant fee to give you access to your own money and then puts your remaining pay on a Walmart MoneyCard that can be used nowhere near Diagon Alley or even in England. It also lets you exchange your gold for cash, which has proven a complete financial disaster for the store since all wizards practice alchemy and so can transform even tinfoil into a 24k ticket to big money.
Eleanor’s Wicca Shoppe
Nothing but nothing can ruin a first-year Hogwart’s student’s day like finding out they just dropped several hundred dollars not on wizard supplies but rather on worry stones, herbal teas, dreamcatchers, and a box of twenty greeting cards that read “Happy Winter Solstice!” On the other hand, should you opt to choose Bikram yoga as your gym class elective, want a water fountain that has the word “serenity” repeatedly etched into it, or be in the market for an overpriced cheaply made anklet, this is the shop for you.
Four Words: Worst Butterbeer Frappuccino ever.
What would be some other funny Diagon Alley shops? Let us know in the comments!