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    I love watching a good superhero movie, but unfortunately there are way more bad superhero movies than there are good ones. One of the main reasons so many of them turn out bad is because they are based on an awesome comic book and the story gets watered down in development hell, but there are actually a lot of great superhero movies that aren't based on any comic book. Here are the 10 bestof them.

     

    Hancock (2008)

    hancock on a bench

    (source)

    Most people with amazing god-like powers would use them to make themselves rich and famous. Not Hancock. He spends most of his time getting drunk and sleeping at bus stops while occasionally saving people's lives. This movie isn't based on a comic book, but I think it might be based on my dad.

     

    Unbreakable (2000)

    unbreakable bruce willis

    (source)

    I definitely live in the camp that thinks that there should never be a superhero origin movie again. This is one of the few exceptions. This movie is great because you don't realize that it's a superhero movie until you're most of the way through it. Sorry if I just spoiled a 13 year old movie, but if you're worried about a spoiler that old then you should never go on the internet.

     

    Super (2010)

    rainn wilson hanging poster

    (source)

    I feel like Super unreservedly flew under the radar when it came out. I thought it was one of the best movies of 2010. The cast is amazing and the writing is even better. It's the story of a regular guy played by Rainn Wilson who becomes a pipe wrench wielding superhero after his wife leaves him. Ellen Page is fantastic as his sidekick. If it's wrong to beat someone over the head with a giant wrench then I don't want to be right.

     

    Sky High (2005)

    sky high classroom

    (source)

    The only thing about this movie that I don't like is that this high school doesn't actually exist. Technically you have to have a super power to attend. I'm really good at shooting snot rockets. I think that with the right kind of training I could have developed my snot rocket ability to be able to take down entire armies. ALL FIENDS COWER AT THE NAME OF THE SNOT ROCKETEER!

     

    Orgazmo (1997)

    orgazmo and choda boy

    (source)

    This is one of the earlier works of South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone. This movie has a movie within a movie about a superhero who has a special gun called the Orgazmorator that causes people to mess their pants with happiness. An evil movie producer kidnaps his fiancé and then he has to become the real Orgazmo and use the Orgazmorator to take down the bad guys. Frankly, if Orgazmo was a real superhero patrolling my neighborhood, I'd probably start breaking as many laws as I could.

     

    Special (2006)

    josh and michael rapaport in car

    (source)

    Special is one of the more unconventional superhero movies on this list. Michael Rapaport plays a guy who is taking experimental medication that makes him start to hallucinate that he has developed super powers. Things get pretty out of hand when he decides that he should become a superhero. This movie gets bonus point because you get to see Josh from Drake and Josh play a stoner.

     

    The Incredibles (2004)

    the incredibles

    (source)

    I would be shocked if anyone reading this list hasn't seen The Incredibles. Pixar has made a ton of great movies and this one is no exception. The only difference between this one and the other Pixar movies is that this one has never made me cry like a three year old who's favorite ball just rolled down a storm drain.

     

    Chronicle (2012)

    chronicle meme

    (source)

    This is a found footage film about three friends who develop telekinetic super powers. Of course, one of them turns evil and has to be stopped. Most found footage movies scare the crap out of me, so it was nice to see one that wasn't a horror movie for once. I wish I had known going in that it wasn't a horror movie cause then I wouldn't have had to wear a diaper the entire time.

     

    The Specials (2000)

    the specials

    (source)

    The Specials is different from most of the movies on this list because there isn't really any fighting in it. Most of the movie is just a bunch of third string superheroes arguing with each other at their headquarters. It's really hilarious. This was one of the movies that my friends and I would quote non-stop when I was in high school.

     

    Darkman (1990)

    darkman

    (source)

    Darkman was one of the first really great superhero movies that isn't based on a comic book. It was created by a then relatively unknown director named Sam Raimi. It's about a scientist who invents fake skin who then gets horribly disfigured by a bunch of bad guys. Luckily, he's got that fake skin to make himself look like anyone he wants. He mostly just uses the fake skin to look like bad guys for trickery and what not. If I could make myself look like anyone, I'd make myself look like Ian and Anthony!

     

    Who is your favorite superhero that isn't based on a comic book? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    8 Superheroes Who Are Bad Role Models!


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    Before the internet, the only way for people to get famous was by starring in a family sitcom or by helping people die, or by losing a ton of weight eating Subway. Of course, that was before the internet, where you can get famous almost instantly, and often for the dumbest things. But you're tired of waiting around, slugging it out for Facebook Likes with the rest of LinkedIn, here are the quickest ways to get internet famous.

     

    Post whatever you find on Reddit

    internet reddit banner

    (source)

    You can put anything you want on Reddit, and as long as it's boobs or a picture of a cat, it'll get to the front page of the entire internet! And then, you'll have so much karma you won't know what to do with it! No really, you won't know what to do with it. It's not like you can pay for your soup with little orange arrows. They don't take that sh*t at Panera Bread.

     

    Regularly update your blog

    internet update your blog

    (source)

    So long as you maintain a schedule for updating your blog, it will eventually make you internet famous. And the topic doesn't even matter — you could have a blog about the cutest baby farm animals to blend together in your new juicer and you'll still get sponsored by SquareSpace.

     

    Reblog everything on Tumblr

    internet reblog from tumblr

    (source)

    The dirty secret of Tumblr is that it's never had any original content — it's featured the exact same Boy Meets World photoset and GIFs about eating pizza being reblogged over and over again since its launch. All you have to do is reblog anything you see and eventually you'll have enough followers to start an army! They'd be the world's worst army, though, since they'd respond to every order with an "I DON'T EVEN" or "DONE".

     

    Tweet your best thoughts

    internet tweet button

    (source)

    If you're really super interesting, you can write tweets that'll get fav'd and retweeted all around the entire internet! Although, it's kind of a catch 22 — if you were funny and interesting to begin with you wouldn't be so concerned with being internet famous. So instead of trying to write tweets all day you could maybe go out and find someone to fill the giant, gaping void in your life?

     

    Be a meme

    internet worst meme

    (source)

    ANYONE can make themselves into a meme if they just add white, outlined text above and below their face. Can you imagine if it were that easy to get famous in the 60s? Marilyn Monroe could have just downloaded the Impact font instead of sleeping with President Kennedy.

     

    Create a podcast

    internet record a podcast

    (source)

    So long as you have a clever idea and keep it under an hour, your podcast will eventually make you internet famous. And the topic doesn't even matter — you could have a podcast about the benefits of choosing Satan to be your your lord and master and you'll still get sponsored by Audible.

     

    How have you gotten internet famous? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     

    Check out How To Get Celebrities To Tweet At You!


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    The Zerg are an alien race hellbent on destroying all human life in the universe. All they know is hate and hunger and they must be terminated... right?


    zerg right
    ... right?
    (source)

    The Escapist reports that PETA thinks otherwise. At the official launch of Starcraft II: Heart of the Swarm PETA will be attending. Attending with a mission. To get us to realize that the hated Zerg have feelings and aspirations like anything else and should be treated with respect, kindness and understanding.


    peta zerg
    Everyone do the right thing and stop making purses and shawls out of Zerg carapace and tusks.
    (source)

    PETA has promised to burrow under the ground and pop up in the house of anyone who continues to mistreat the Zerg, once inside the house they will quickly infect any low level troops with a mind control virus and spray deadly acid on any who oppose them. While these are traditional PETA methods, PETA has promised to become more creative with their protest over the course of time.


    peta active
    Picture above: A typical PETA activist protests the opening of a new fur shawl store in Marina Del Rey
    (source)

    PETA makes the argument that if we do come into contact with any species outside of our planet that we should make the effort communicate with and understand them, and not just immediately send the troops in, as the prospects for peace with the latter way of doing things are quite grim. The statement from PETA also likened the Zerglings to creepy animals we have here on earth, saying "while Zerglings are not real, there are many equally 'strange' and exotic animals we share this planet with who deserve our empathy. Just because crocodiles and snakes look alien to us, that doesn't make it OK to skin them alive for a handbag, shoes, or a belt".


    peta death strike
    Just wait till this guy gets his Zerg carapace upgrade.
    (source)

    Should we treat Zerg with respect? Let us know in the comments below!

     


    Check out what I should have done today instead of playing Starcraft II!

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    I’m not a patient man. This probably stems from the fact that nothing in this life is actually so good it’s worth waiting for, but I digress. We all spend a lot of time waiting for things, and we almost always do it in an at least mildly orderly line (excluding some countries in Asia, sorry guys!) But waiting in line comes with its own trial and ordeals. Which ones, you ask? Well thanks for asking because that’s the perfect segue into this list of the 7 Worst People To Wait Behind In Line::

     

    The Guy Who Just Discovered He Was In Line, Apparently

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    Oh, are you totally unprepared to order? That's weird, because we've been standing here waiting to get to the front of the line for about five minutes, and I could have sworn you were conscious the entire time. Well, at least you’re going to take as much time as everyone else cumulatively did in front of you.

     

    A Parent With Small Children

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    After a long day of running completely banal errands while having to cart their kids around, watching a parent interact with their still-somehow-unruly children is like watching a very tired dictator try to crush a very disorganized rebellion. And it’s not fun waiting behind an ongoing civil war.

     

    An Employee on Their Day Off

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    For someone who hates their job so much, it is odd that you decide to show up on your day off and grind service to a halt by hanging around and having a conversation with your co-workers about what a jerk one of the other employees, who’s also not working that day, is. Funny thing about THAT employee though, is that they don’t hang around work when they don’t have to because they don’t have any real friends.

     

    Person Who Won’t Get Off Their Phone

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    Hey, a human being is talking to you, so maybe give them the dignity of letting them have the required seven seconds of your attention required to order your stupid coffee. This person is also horrible, because it usually results in you feeling empathy for someone, which is the worst.

     

    Mister/Miss Moneybags

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    Really glad I got to listen to you order the most extravagant item on the menu, while I’m standing here making sure I have enough change for something off the dollar menu. Really improving my outlook on life.

     

    The Insincere Thanker

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    Listen, having the words "thank you" come out of your mouth doesn’t automatically make you seem like not a hot sack of garbage, especially when those words are all one together at once like "ohmygodthankyousomuch". We demand sincerity, damn it!

     

    No One

    worst people to wait behind

    (source)

    Oh man, I cannot handle having an employee ask to help me before I’m ready to be helped. I like a nice buffer of at least one other customer to give me a bit of time to gather my bearings. I know you’re worried about a secret shopper visit, but I just walked in the door, give me a minute to prep myself!

     

    My Face is on fire. Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out These 20 ACTUALLY Funny Youtube Comments!


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    I guess one of the many great things about not having children when you're super young is that you will never be a super young grandparent. I mean can you imagine being a grandparent in your 40s or even your 30s!?! These celebs can!

     

    Charlie Sheen

    young celebrity grandparents charlie sheen

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent: 47

    Charlie Sheen recently announced that the 27 year old daughter he had with his high school sweetheart is expecting. Am I the only one creeped out when people  'date' women younger than their own daughters? Am I the only one that's going to be creeped out in 20 years when Charlie Sheen will be 'dating' 'ladies' younger than his grandchild? What is in that tiger's blood?

     

    Kiefer Sutherland

    young celebrity grandparents kiefer sutherland

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent: 39

    Kiefer became a peepaw when the step-daughter he raised form the age of 8 became a mom. The baby's middle name is even Kiefer. Awww so sweet. Kiefer says that he loves being a young grandpa and I love saying that I'm attracted to a grandpa. It makes me seem so 'age is just a number' we're in love! Even though I'm really not. Sorry, Larry King!

     

    Whoopi Goldberg

    young celebrity grandparents whoopi goldberg

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent: 34

    DUDE!  This is CRAY CRAY. This is what happens when a teen mom's daughter becomes a teen mom. See you in 16 years cast of Teen Mom! The 30 Year Old Grandma has a nice ring to it don't you think? When will the cycle of exploitive reality shows end? Um, hopefully never.I mean if they're going to do it anyway why can't we watch?

     

    Jim Carrey

    young celebrity grandparents jim carrey

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent: 48

    I'm really going out on a limb here but... Jim Carrey must be the best grandpa ever...amirite? Although maybe it turns into one of those things where everyone loves your grandpa but you're completely humiliated every time he pretends to pop his head out of Rhino's anus?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? Lighten up, Carrey grandchild! 

     

    Nene Leakes

    young celebrity grandparents nene leakes

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent:44

    This Real Housewives of Atlanta star, calls herself a Glam Ma. Because that doesn't sound as bad as grandma. Riiiight. She should change her name to Nana Leakes. How did she miss that obvious yet amazing choice? This is why I'm a professional, folks. You're welcome, Nana!

     

    Pierce Brosnan

    young celebrity grandparents pierce brosnan

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent: 44

    More like 'Licensed to Diaper'!!  Seriously? Why am I not writing punny headlines for the NY Post? Brosnan became a Grandpa just six years after being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive, AKA the Nobel Prize of DAYUM YOU FINE!

     

    Cee Lo

    young celebrity grandparents ceelo green

    (source)

    Age they became a grandparent:35

    Cee Lo became a grandpa when his 20 year old step-daughter had a baby boy. Maybe if young people replaced some of their  'F*ck's with 'Forget's, like in the radio friendly version of Cee Lo's hit song, we would have a lot less 'surprise' pregnancies.Or something liek that.  INSERT powerful message that makes you think HERE.

    Were you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out 10 Celebrities That Are Older Than You Think!


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    Some families can spend hours discussing a violent murder in "Clue" and have the time of their lives. Others can’t go five minutes in "Candy Land" before a mom and three-year-old get into a screaming match. But no matter what the family, some games seem purposely designed to create more family fights than ten Thanksgiving dinners combined.

     

    Monopoly

    board game monopoly green homes

    (source)

    The grandfather of untold divorces, disinheritances, and occasioal footage on old "Cops" episodes, Monopoly has caused more all-out skirmishes than military alliances in World War I, mostly because it demands family members be in each other’s company for so long it violates U.N. human rights sanctions. Also, there is always that one brother or sister who sees the game less as a fun evening around the kitchen table and more as a means to make everyone else pay for whatever they did wrong, even if it’s just $4 once in a while on Baltic Avenue.

     

    Scrabble

    board game scrabble word tiles family

    (source)

    When one of the rules of a game is that you can point-blank call someone a liar or outright question their intelligence by dismissing their word choice, tensions are bound to get high. Add to that the fact many players enter Scrabble doubting their own verbal dexterity and so are already on edge and you have a family gathering that’s a giant powder keg just waiting for someone to light the fuse by arguing that if there are two ways to say "Caribbean" then there should at least be that many ways to spell it.

     

    Sorry

    board game sorry fallen piece

    (source)

    The fault lies in the game’s very name—"Sorry"—one of the most insincere things you can ever say in play, especially when you do it with a smug tone, sing-songy voice, or precede it with a prolonged "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" before banishing someone’s token back to "Start." As the game continues, each time you utter the clearly unapologetic "Sorry!" pushes your opponent closer to the edge, until pawns are flung, cards are torn, the board is flipped over, and everyone remembers that this is why they don’t let grandma stay up past eight.

     

    The Game of Life

    board game life car pegs

    (source)

    Purchasing automobile, life, and fire insurance. Paying taxes. Coping with bank loans. Occasionally getting sued. The Game of Life is already so much like the drudgery and headaches of real life that it’s amazing it didn’t come with a whiskey bottle to pass around just so players can get through it all. But what really causes everything to turn bleak is that you always wind up having so many kids people wonder if you should be spayed. At first you’ll start to hate your little peg family (complete with peg kid lying on its side because you can’t afford a big enough car). Then you will transfer that anger to your real family. And before you know it everyone is crying, screaming, and wishing they had taken the "College" path if only because you can’t raise 32 peg children on a salesperson’s salary.

     

    Uno

    board game uno cards sixes

    (source)

    Uno seems so innocent what with its simple rules and bright colors and a name that even people with no foreign language skills can pronounce. But then someone slaps down the "Skip" card. Then the "Reverse" card. Then the "Draw Two" card. By the time the spit-in-the-face maneuver known as the "Wild Draw Four" card is defiantly placed on the table, family members are all accusing each other of secret partnerships, personal vendettas, and using their vicious "mind powers" to make someone forget to say "Uno!" when they have only one card left.

     

    Risk

    board game risk map australia

    (source)

    It’s not the hours it takes to play. It’s not that the point of the game is to kill one another. It’s not even that trying to maintain the borders of North America or Asia would drive even the calmest individual to crudely fashion their own bayonet out of foil and cardboard, stand on the board, and scream, "No one DARE better come near Kamchatka!" It’s that every time someone will pull the most passive-aggressive military move possible and hide out in Australia for the entire war, quietly amassing troops as everyone else bravely engages in combat until you just can’t take it anymore and send the tactical bombers from "Axis & Allies" after them, all the while screaming for their head.

     

    Is it me? Am I why everyone is always fighting? Let us know in the comments!

     

    Indulge in The 10 wats Angry Birds Would Be Useful In real Life!


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    If there's one fact that seems inescapable in my life right now, it's that you need money to play video games. I keep trying to sit alone in my room with the lights off and then shades drawn, but my landlord and electrician and debt collectors just will NOT leave me alone. So here's what I'm thinking — what if I could kill two birds with one stone? What if I could make money while because I'm playing video games? And so, here are my plans to do just that.

     

    Video game tester

    money video game tester

    (source)

    This is the only job where you are actively expected to play video games while you're on the clock, but there is a dark side. Video game testers don't get to sit back and enjoy the game they're testing, oh no. They actively work to break the game — traveling down every wrong path, using the wrong item at the wrong time, jumping when it makes no sense to jump — trying to catch any bugs before a paying customer does.

    Indeed, video game testing a cruel bargain — you get to spend time playing the games you love, but you must work to destroy them. It's like getting to spend an hour with your grandpa a year after he's passed away but you have to spend that time putting cigarettes out on his face.

     

    Work at GameStop

    money video game gamestop

    (source)

    You'll learn pretty quickly working at GameStop that the times when the store is slow enough for you to sneak off and play those display consoles are actually few and far between. So to make sure you get in enough time playing video games while you work at GameStop is to simply play the games anyhow. I mean, yeah, it shows how little you care about your customers, but I'm pretty confident GameStop is okay with that, since they didn't listen when I told them for the fiftieth goddamn time that I don't want to reserve any upcoming title for the love of CHRIST.

     

    Review games for a website

    money video game review

    (source)

    There are plenty of websites who will pay you to write reviews, but reviews for all the meaningful games go to the publication's on-staff editors. So unless you want to review Barbie's Alphabet Adventure or Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City, you better get that journalism degree. And even then, that journalism degree so rarely leads to a game reviewing job. You're much more likely to be reporting on cases of local politicians abusing their power.

    That's not to say you'll be completely removed from video games, however. I can't imagine Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City being released without some sort of local politician abusing his power.

     

    Play games on your iPhone while you're at work

    money video games iphone games

    (source)

    If your boss doesn't catch you, they'll never know, and since you're on the clock, you're technically being paid to play video games! Although, if your boss does catch you, he will know, and since you're on the clock, you're technically being fired! Maybe next time you won't send him a request to play Draw Something during work hours like I did six months ago on my last day at Pizza Hut.

     

    Go pro

    money video game go pro

    (source)

    Many Major League Gaming players are picking up endorsement deals and making some big-time money, so this might be the pinnacle of playing video games for money. You have to be the best in the world at your game though. Do you have what it takes to spend all day and night, playing nothing but your favorite video game, ignoring texts, calls, even your body's natural impulse to get up and move around? Can you train hard, drinking nothing but Mountain Dew, eating nothing but oven-baked crispy crust Tombstone pizzas, and sleeping only between the hours of 6am and 4pm? Ultimately, if you really really want to be a professional gamer, you have to look inward and ask yourself — really ask yourself — if your life is sad enough.

     

    Teach a rich old eccentric how to use technology

    money video game old eccentric

    (source)

    Here's the thing about weird old people with money — they don't know what to do with themselves. So if some dude made his money from a steel shipping yard back in the, like, 1900s, the odds that he understands technology are slim, and the odds that his children love him enough to try to teach him are even slimmer. So what does he do? He hires some young tech-minded kid to teach him the ins and outs of technology! So you can play Bejeweled while he watches, to "give him a sense of the interface" everyday for however long it takes you to beat Bejeweled, since that fool isn't going to remember what you showed him the day before!

    And sure, you might feel guilty ripping him off in this way, but, you shouldn't. There's no way he made that much money without murdering at least one person.

     

    What would you do to play games for cash money? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     

    Check out 10 Canceled Video Games That I Hope Come Out!


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    Watches are pretty much an irrelevent technology. Just about everyone carries a cell phone with them at all times so there's no real reason for them. If you're going to wear a watch, you might as well up your nerd cred with a super geeky watch. Here are some geeky watches.

     

    zelda triforce watch

    (source)

     

    star trek watch

    (source)

     

    math watch

    (source)

     

    harry potter watch

    (source)

     

    batman watch

    (source)

     

    pokemon watch

    (source)

     

    usb watch

    (source)

     

    transformer watch

    (source)

     

    tardis watch

    (source)

     

    superman watch

    (source)

     

    mechanical watch

    (source)

     

    turntable watch

    (source)

     

    sony watch

    (source)

     

    lego star wars watch

    (source)

     

    mario watch

    (source)

     

    hulk watch

    (source)

     

    led watch

    (source)

     

    8 bit watch

    (source)

     

    dalek watch

    (source)

     

    adventure time watch

    (source)

     

    steampunk watch

    (source)

     

    tetris watch

    (source)

     

    Which watch did you think was the geekiest? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out 26 Nerdy Necklaces!


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    Would you believe that the Harlem Shake — the song featuring the most generic beat and leads into the exact same drop you've heard in literally every dubstep song of all time — might not be entirely original? Yes, the two vocal tracks in the song are NOT Harlem Shake writer, Baauer, but are instead sampled from pre-existing tracks.


    baauer harlem shake
    Would we really call Baauer the WRITER of the Harlem Shake? Maybe the creator? Curator? Vessel through which the great creative energy passes? Literally any one of us if we had a Macbook and Garageband?
    (source)

    Indeed, Baauer sampled vocals from music artists Hector Delgado, the "Con los terrorists" voice, and Jayson Musson, whose voice demands you do the Harlem Shake.

    Both of them stand to make a solid chunk of money, as the Harlem Shake has spent three weeks on top of the Billboard Hot 100. The sales for the track have been huge, despite the fact that everyone in the world seems to hate it.


    office space computer attack
    If the internet is just going to be Harlem Shake videos, then the internet has to go.
    (source)

    Yeller of "con los terristas", Hector Delgado, has taken a hard stance against Baauer's label, Mad Decent. His manager, Javier Gomez, said "We can turn around and stop that song. That’s a clear breaking of intellectual property right."

    Meanwhile, the guy who actually said the words "Harlem Shake" has been pretty chill about the whole thing, publicly thanking Mad Decent for "doing something useful with our annoying music."


    gas station robbery
    "I just want to thank that robber for doing something useful with our annoying merchandise."
    (source)

    So why is Baauer's label so quick to work with one of the sampled artists and not the other? The fact that Musson has been cool about the process — as opposed to Delgado, who's reacted more antagonistically — could be one reason, a lesson about how being nice and working with people will reap rewards.

    But I suspect the real reason is the song that the "Harlem Shake" line comes from, "Miller Time", is f*cking great. For real, I listened to this track for like a straight hour yesterday. It is so dope.



    Like, this song is so dope that I don't even feel stupid saying the word "dope".

    Is sampling an example of fair use, as outlined in the Copyright Act of 1976, 17 U.S.C. § 107? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!



    Check out 25 Best 'Harlem Shake' Videos (So Far)!

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    So I was cruising down the street in my ’64 and I started thinking about a band I had in high school and how we rocked the sh*t out of myspace on a daily basis. And it got me thinking, what other sites did I visit as a young and wide-eyed @danborrelli that are still in existence today? So guess what y’all. I made a LIST!

    7. SPACE JAM

    space jam homepage

    (source)

    http://www2.warnerbros.com/spacejam/movie/jam.htm It’s nice to see that there are still websites out there dedicated to relatively recent global historical research. The good people at Warner Bros. has left this website perfectly in tact so that we may continue to learn about the historical events that shaped our past. It’s good to know that even in this day and age a major motion picture studio is still commited to educating our youth.

     

    6. THE HALL

    The Hall site pic

    (source)

    http://www.va.com.au/parallel/x1/gallery/suzanne_treister/hall1.html My initial reaction to finding this old Australian website from the ‘90s was “WTF?!” Then I realized this site is so old it existed before “WTF!?” I’m also pretty sure that the “game” featured on the website is designed to be either one of two things; a joke, or a recruitment tool for neo-nazis. Either way, it’s hilarious that’s still in existence. Also, make sure you guys grab your free stickers. #Excited

     

    5. HAMPSTER DANCE

    pic from the hampster dance site

    (source)

    http://originalhampster.ytmnd.com/This isn’t TECHNICALLY the original site but I’ll take it. This was a classic. It probably has the award for website left on the most amount of computers in the computer lab of Robinson Secondary thanks to how hilarious it was. It’s the perfect comedy. Hamster, and dance. Boom.

     

    4. EMO GAME

    pic from emo game site

    (source)

    http://emogame.com/ A classic video game where you choose your character out of several front men from former emo bands. In the original, your job is to rescue the Get Up Kids from Steven Tyler because that’s awesome. I recommend playing at least the first couple levels for nostalgia’s sake. #ManTears

     

    3. FRIENDSTER

    pic from Friendster homepage

    (source)

    http://www.friendster.com/ Friendster used to be at the forefront of the internet. Now I imagine the designers sit around saying things like, “I coulda been! I coulda been BETTER than Zuckerferberf…I need another drink.” Also, I FEEL like Friendster is targeting a VERY specific demographic. Can you spot it?

     

    2. CNN/TIME WARNER’S 1996 – YEAR IN REVIEW

    Pic from CNN 96 site

    (source)

    No words. This is perfect. A fictional website designed to recap the great story of 1996. It’s a shame it was all made up, it could have made a really great movie though. At least we still have the Space Jam site to keep us educated.

     

    1. IMDB

    imdb site homepage pic

    (source)

    According to Wikipedia… “Founded in 1989 by participants in the Usenet newsgroup rec.arts.movies, the IMDB was rolled out on the web in late 1993, hosted by the computer science department of Cardiff University in Wales.” When I worked at Blockbust in High School (it was a store, like Netflix, google it) back in the 1950s we had a book that was essentially an encyclopedia of movies/actors. Someone had the brilliant idea of making it a website. And now we no longer have to let the question, “who was that guy in that thing?” go unresolved.

     

    What’s your favorite old-school website? Let me know in the comments below or by screaming at me @danborrelli

     

    Check Out 8 WTF Celebrity Websites!


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    Fear not feminists of all ages! Even if you weren’t raised at the teat of pop culture in the 90s you can still learn a thing or two from its fictional female role models. RESPECTFULLY CONSENSUALLY (METAPHORICALLY?) EMBRACE THE TEAT!

     

    Clarissa Darling, Clarissa Explains It All

    90s role models

    (source)

    Clarissa broke the fourth wall and the glass ceiling at Nickelodeon being the first female lead show for the still relatively new network. She was our big sister who had it all: the awesome clothes, the rad platonic dude friend and amazing shade throwing powers against the forces of younger siblings. If you think about it, she’s like the first confessional youtube girl.

     

    Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane, Daria

    90s role models

    (source)

    Daria is a complex character, sarcastic yet deeply moralistic she struggles with being advanced intellectually but socially inept. All this with a soft nougaty center of caring despite herself. Jane on the other hand is an extrovert who never feels cornered by being different and sees that every cloud has a smoky grey lining that is probably in the shape of a passed out hobo. They’d also probably hate this write-up (I don’t blame them).

     

    Harriet, Harriet The Spy

    90s role models

    (source)

    Though I wouldn’t want to be Harriet’s significant other, her voracious need to explore and chronicle the mysteries around her is a good example for brainy gals everywhere.

     

    Buffy Summers and Willow Rosenberg, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

    90s role models

    (source)

    Buffy isn’t a role model because she is the chosen one, she’s a role model because she struggles with being the chosen one in a world that either doesn’t care or wants her dead for being who she is. Willow on the other hand starts the show an ordinary often ignored person who throughout the course of the show, constantly embraces knowledge and experiences to become a powerful (and at one point nearly unstoppable) force. I’m trying to shoehorn a joke here but Buffy takes a Mr. Pointy straight to my heart it does.

     

    Lisa Simpson, The Simpsons

    90s role models

    (source)

    Lisa Simpson - badass bitch from day one: an intellectual, a vegetarian, a Buddhist, a music aficionado, a cartoon lover, an avid reader, a romantic, and an environmentalist. Sure, her episodes get preachy and she can be a bit of a killjoy, but she’s the best little killjoy this side of the Kwik-E-Mart.

     

    Moesha, Moesha

    90s role models

    (source)

    Probably the most realistic fictional character on this list, Moesha exemplified what it was like being a young woman in 90s America. The melodrama was high but it was a clever show with a lot of heart. Also if you got past that picture of Brandy without getting, "The Boy Is Mine" stuck in your head you are made of stronger stuff than I.

     

    The Powerpuff Girls

    90s role models

    (source)

    Sure, when the Powerpuff Girls are made by accident, it’s all, "sugar and spice and everything whoopass". But when I was made by accident I had to live in the basement and eat pancakes and whatever fit under the door until I learned how to not scare the neighborhood kids with my face.

     

    Shelby Woo, The Mystery Files of Shelby Woo

    90s role models

    (source)

    Years before Veronica Mars and the many forensic sleuths of CSI, there was Shelby Woo. While only an intern, Woo’s preternatural reasoning skills made all the adult cops look like damn fools. Not that surprising when since Mr. Miyagi himself Pat Morita played her grandfather. Wax on wax off popo.

     

    Tank Girl, Tank Girl

    90s role models

    (source)

    If you’ve ever yearned for a role model out there with the self-esteem, the snot, the style, the weaponry, the owned sexuality, the wit, the puke, the bloodlust and an unhinged grasp on reality, have I got a gal for you! Yes, Tank Girl! The wonder from an apocalyptic down under is the punk rock daughter of Bugs Bunny and Mad Max. And she’s just the girl, the girl you want.

     

    Wednesday Addams, Addams Family Series

    90s role models

    (source)

    Wednesday is the patron, let’s go with saint, of gloomy girls who don’t give a sh$%&. While others around her are satisfied to be vapid sheep, Wednesday would rather suffer a dram of poison than suffer a damn fool. At the end of the day though it’s family first, off the cliff.

     

    The Sailor Senshi, Sailor Moon

    90s role models

    (source)

    The Sailor Scouts are more than just a visually appealing Halloween costume for adorable girls and the pervy older men who love them. They’re also a team of complicated personalities trying to work together in high-pressure situations. And while American audiences got a sadly more censored version, the show featured a teen girl romance that predated Glee by more than a decade.

     

     

    Xena, Xena Warrior Princess

    90s role models

    (source)

    Speaking of progressive shows that used subtext to tackle sex and gender in an innovative and titillating setting, Xena! Originally meant to be the female answer to Hercules, Xena outshined its predecessor by being more than just camp.

    Honorable Mentions: Hermione Granger, Sydney Bristow (Alias), Angela Chase ( My So Called Life), PepperAnn, Enid (Ghost World), Lara Croft, Leeloo Dallas Multipass (Fifth Element), Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Judy Funnie, Alex Mack (The Secret World of Alex Mack).

    Wait, hold that teat, I know full well I missed a metric teat-ton of amazing women. Who would be on your list? Let me know in the comments!

    Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so we can discuss, I don’t know, pant travels and sisterhood. Also TEATS (that’s 5 teat mentions…6).

    Check out 10 Unanswered Questions from 90s Songs


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    I love memes, but what I love even more than that is getting my research geek on and finding meme origins and seeing just how they took off.  Plus it makes my internet search history look a little more respectable. But just a smidge. Here's a look at the origin of 5 memes based on memorable cartoon moments.

     

    And It's Gone--South Park

    cartoon moments memes south park

    (source)

    This meme is based on a scene from the  South Park episode “Margaritaville”.  The phrase is used by a teller at South Park Bank Savings and Loans as a way to  'delicately' break the news to customers that their all of their money has been lost. I think we can all agree that the banking industry is full of a bunch of jerks. It first appeared as a meme on quickmeme and actually had the caption 'You post your new meme idea. You think it’s going to do great / Aaaand it’s gone.' So a meme that originated with a meme about unsuccessful memes is now a very successful meme. Very clever, internet.

     

    Futurama Fry / Not Sure If X--Futurama

    cartoon moments memes futurama fry

    (source)

    Futurama Fry shows a squinting Fry combined with a 'not sure if X or just Y' internal monologue. The image was taken from the Season 2 episode titled “The Lesser of Two Evils and is the face Fry makes after he's busted rummaging through Leela's underwear drawer. The image was first used as an 'I see what you did there" before it was made even meme-ier with the classic 'Not sure if trolling or just stupid.' And with a catchphrase like that there was absolutely no way the internet would not embrace it.

     

    I Must Go, My People Need Me--The Simpsons

    cartoon moments memes south park simpsons i must go

    (source)

    One thing that the internet is not lacking is images of creatures in midair. So there was a caption need to fill, people!  What better choice than one that adds serious dramatic tension to an otherwise silly image. HIGH-larious. This phrase originated from an episode of Bart's favorite show  “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show”, and was uttered by a Poochie, a dog with Homer's voice. The Simpson's is a total meme making MACHINE, yo!

     

    Leekspin / Loituma Girl--Bleach

    cartoon moments memes anime leek spinning

    (source)

    I mean what else are you supposed to do when you see Orihime from Bleach randomly spinning a leek? Provide a soundtrack of course! And when you think anime you definitely think of the traditional Finnish folk song levan Polkka. Off course you do.  Here's the original:

    And you bet your leek-spinning ass that variations soon followed. All so strangely riveting...

     

    Chocolate!--Spongebob Squarepants

    cartoon moments memes chocolate spongebob

    (source)

    This exclamation about everyone's favorite brown and creamy sweet (wait..ew!) was first uttered in the Spongebob episode “Chocolate with Nuts”  SpongeBob and his pal Patrick Star try to sell chocolate bars in order to GET RICH QUICK! Along their travels they encounter Tom Smith, a fish who flips out when he hears that chocolate is being sold. Because sure... why not? It's Spongebob and nothing has to ever make sense. The YTMND community presciently latched onto the absurd moment and a meme was born!

     

    What's your favorite cartoon meme? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

    Check Out More Cartoon Moments That Became Memes!


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    A new Tomb Raider game is now out in stores, which can only mean one thing: mountains of sexual frustration for gamers everywhere! Now, I'm not saying that playing video games automatically means you don't get any action, just that a lot of people wish they could kiss Lara Croft and make her feel better. Don't worry, folks. If you ever get to meet her, I've got you covered. Here are the best ways to approach asking out Lara Croft:

     

    Be Unrelentingly Confident

    date lara croft

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    I'm talking SO CONFIDENT THAT YOU STRIKE TERROR INTO HER HEART. This will be difficult, as Lara is one of the most fearless and powerful women in the world. Your words must cause hair to sprout from your muscular chest; your eyes must literally never blink. Chicks dig it.

     

    Fake A Horrible Injury

    date lara croft

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    As strong-willed as Lara Croft is, she's got her soft side too. Maybe you can get her to pity you! Try going to one of the tombs she raids and fake an injury. Then you can trick her into nursing you back to health! Be warned, though- Lara cannot STAND being lied to. If you really want to get her digits, you should actually break your legs. Two birds, one stone: if she doesn't come and save you, you're already in a tomb. Convenient!

     

    Challenge Her To Contests Of Strength And Agility

    date lara croft

    (source)

    Lara Croft is a proud woman who can never turn down a challenge. She is also an Olympic-level athlete, which is more common than you'd think among archaeologists. One great way to win her heart is to spend ten to fifteen years becoming the world's greatest rope climber. If you can climb stone blocks and swing on ropes better than her, she will have no choice but to be your bride. The only thing she respects more than history is the right of the strong to conquer the weak.

     

    Get Her Drunk

    date lara croft

    (source)

    Let's be honest, this is probably what you'd try. But Lara Croft has too much willpower to consume alcohol, so that's not an option. What should you do instead? I recommend blow darts full of diluted poison. They should slow her down enough that she'd consider dating you, but not so much that she'd die!

     

    Try To Become Her Friend First, Then Gradually Express Romantic Interest

    date lara croft

    (source)

    Trust me, this one never, ever fails. It's your best bet. Women love it when you become friends with them and then surprise them by saying you wanted to be their boyfriends the whole time. Try doing it to Lara Croft! She'll be all like, "Wait, you didn't just want to be my friend? Everything you've done so far has been dishonest manipulation to make it hard for me to turn you down romantically? Awesome, let's date!"

     

    Tell Her How You Really Feel And Invite Her To Something You Know She'd Like

    date lara croft

    (source)

    Women hate this, so don't do it. Lie instead.

     

    Are you a hyper-charismatic sex god/dess? Tell us in the comments, so we may worship you!

     

    Check out 10 Badass Fictional Female Role Models!


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    Even though it was just released for the PS3 two days ago, we all knew what God of War: Ascension was: A stop-gap. A place-holder. The bread you get for free at the restaurant while you wait for your meal. Of course, the meal would be God of War 4, which we all assume is coming at some point to the PlayStation 4.

    But who am I to complain? I love any time I get to spend with Kratos, the greatest cartoon character in video game history. Call of Duty features boring marines or whatever killing boring terrorists. God of War is about a man killing not only MINOTAURS but also THE GODS THEMSELVES. And the best part is he's always UNNECESSARILY angry about it.


    kratos kills minotaur
    PICTURED: Kratos' downstairs neighbor asks him to turn his music down.
    (source)

    But we might have already been teased about God of War 4. Check it out — early-ish in the game, Kratos finds a painting of a castle and a mountain, and beneath it an odd code along with the message "Of all the prophecies I have seen, this one haunts my dreams/The full truth of this nightmare yet remains hidden". Once you crack the code and solve the room's puzzle — there's a detailed explanation on how to do so at IGN right here— the painting changes.


    god of war tease reveal
    As though that's how PAINTINGS work.
    (source)

    "When the Earth stops, the journey begins?" Does that mean that, four games into the series, the journey hasn't even started? Kratos has literally spent that time killing GODS. What else Kratos is going to have to kill if the GODS were just a starting point? I mean, what's more powerful than the GODS?


    having an idea
    In God of War 4, Kratos will have to kill the power of an IDEA.
    (source)

    This is such an awesome way to tease a new God of War. What could the prophecy mean? What would make the Earth stop turning? The whole thing is a big mystery, and I think that's brilliant. Ever since Lost and Cloverfield, mystery has been the best way to sell me not just movies and video games, but really anything. I mean, I'd be much more inclined to buy a paper towel if it could figure out a way to intrigue me.


    bounty ad black and white
    "Now with ten percent more DARK REVELATIONS than other leading brands."
    (source)

    Does this kind of cryptic tease make you roll your eyes? Or does it make you more excited for a future sequel? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out Potential Bosses for Kratos to Kill in God of War: Ascension!

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    College admission officers don’t just want to know if you’re smart enough for their school. They want to know if you can afford to pay for their school. Oh, and if you’re a well-rounded individual, not just a good test taker. Hence why it’s important to get involved in as many extracurricular activities you can fit in between waking up in the morning and going to sleep only once summer vacation starts. But alas, not every activity will impress a college, so be wise to avoid the following…

     

    Hometown Justice League

    extracurricular activity homemade justice league costumes

    (source)

    Colleges want to hear that you play a constant role in your community so they’ll know you’ll maintain a socially active presence on campus. But usually they mean through volunteering, community theater, or local event organizing. They don’t want to know that you and your friends have taken LARPing way too far and are now spending your free time running around in tights or wetsuits getting beat up by kids who don’t have a cowl blocking their vision. At best the college will see you as an insurance liability. At worst they will think it’s only a matter of time before you completely lose your mind and assume the team mascot is your arch nemesis.

     

    High School Political Fringe Party

    extracurricular activity master chief campaign button

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    Involvement in your school’s student council is the perfect way to show you have experience with leadership and governance. But it doesn’t help if you’re actually involved in some lunatic fringe party that spends all of its time putting up obscene campaign posters and announcing the candidacy of a sock puppet, all in the attempt to undermine a student government that doesn’t even have the political clout to restock the high school vending machines with Twix bars. After all, that will only cause colleges to believe you’ll spend four years holding up signs and screaming in front of the administration building demanding they remove all the "U’s" from the British spellings for "colour" and "flavour" or that the school officially recognize "National Puffed Rice Day," complete with time off but not counting mandatory parade attendance.

     

    Duplo Brick Sculptures

    extracurricular activity duplo blocks dinosaur

    (source)

    Art is a great way to illustrate to colleges that you are indeed a well-rounded person. (Unless, of course, you ARE an artist, in which case at least take a photo of a Tesla coil, hippy.) And almost any kind of art will do, including painting, writing, theater, music, dance, photography, and even creative yelling if you can get at least two people to say, "Yeah, that…that was something." But it has to be an artistic pursuit that shows you were trying to say something or harness your imagination in a brave new way. It can’t be something that was done clearly for fun, like customizing karts for Sackboy. Nor can it be simply killing an afternoon just building things with Legos. Especially if it’s the oversized pre-school Duplo bricks, no matter how many times you wrote in if your college essay that one of your defining characteristics is “a fear of choking hazards.”

     

    Running Nowhere in Particular

    extracurricular activity running away from camera

    (source)

    Enrollment in sports shows you know how to work with others, you’re self-motivated, and if you’re good enough you can be a potential alumni donation meal ticket for the school. But it helps that the sport is a team sport. (And that the team was not trying to win the Quidditch Cup courtesy of your mom’s kitchen broom and unsupervised play time in the park.) And while being on the track team is a good way to prove you’re a confident self-starter, saying that every afternoon you just bolt right out the school doors and keep running with wildly flailing arms until you’re either far away from everybody or at least have outpaced your inner demons won’t be welcomed with "Here’s your scholarship" so much as "Our psychiatric unit is not equipped to handle such demanding cases."

     

    After-School Clubs with Your Little Brothers and/or Little Sisters as Members

    extracurricular activity kid outdoor clubhouse

    (source)

    Joining an after-school club shows you have interests outside of just getting good grades for transcripts. Whether it be chess club, language club, debate club, or even that mathletes club that actually tried to combine trigonometry with boxing only for everyone to no longer be able to do simple addition after a few rounds, it’s all about showing you have a wide-range of knowledge and passions. But make sure the club is recognized by the school or some organization and doesn’t involve climbing a tree to reach it or a flag you made from construction paper and a chopstick and taped carefully to the top of a sofa cushion fort.

     

    Church Activities Involving a Religion You Just Created

    extracurricular activity religious cult robes

    (source)

    No matter how much you define your new religion’s belief system, no matter how comprehensive you document your new religion’s history, no matter how well you detail your new religion’s Facebook fan page, the moment the admission officer reads “And so the mystical melon…” is the moment you’ll find your parents are going to have to home school you for college.

     

    Revisit The 5 Ways Sims College Is Better Than Actual College!


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    We are constantly demanding the internet provide us with distractions from the banality that is our lives. But sometimes we get let down by our favorites sites, as they either fail to provide us with new content, or new content that we actually enjoy. FEAR NOT CHUMS! I have compiled for you, right here, right now, 8 Tumblrs to Waste Your Time With:

     

    Remembered Heroes

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    Jojo is an artist who doesn’t read comics, so she is the perfect person to draw super heroes, suggested to her by both readers and the site’s creator, that she only has vague recollections of. She gets your Spider-Mans and Captain Americas pretty well, but the real gems pop up when she clearly has no idea what she’s supposed to be drawing and just goes for her own interpretation. Not really updated for almost a year, there’s still a big chunk of back content to go through.

    Remembered Heroes

     

    Old People Writing On A Restaurant’s Facebook Page

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    Another one that isn’t really updated any more, this Tumblr still has a vast amount of screen grabs showing exactly what the title claims: Old people, who are clearly not particularly computer literate, writing things on the Facebook walls of restaurants. America needs to better educate it’s elderly on the difference between a private message and a wall post.

    Old People Writing On A Restaurant’s Facebook Wall

     

    The Pokeymans Project

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    Readers send in descriptions of Pokemon, which are then drawn by someone who has zero familiarity with Pokemon. I don’t know if people just do a good job of describing them or what, but the artist actually does a fairly decent job of generally capturing the essence of the Pokemon.

    The Pokeymans Project

     

    Menswear Dog

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    Photos of a Shiba Inu wearing clothes that would be worn by models in GQ magazine. This dog lives the life I want for myself.

    Menswear Dog

     

    Animals Being D*cks

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    A tumblr dedicated to gifs of animals being total jerks, because they are animals, after all. Quite frankly, I relate to the jerks a lot more than their victims.

    Animals Being D*cks

     

    Dog Shaming

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    Finally, a place to publicly shame the jerks we call our “pets”. All pictures of dogs posed with descriptions (essentially rapsheets) of what they did that was so stupid/terrible, you know dogs can’t understand what’s going on, but on some level you hope they get it.

    Dog Shaming

     

    Cats That Look Like Pin-Up Girls

    tumblrs to waste your time

    (source)

    It’s a very disappointed soldier who finds any of these pinned up above his cot while he’s deployed overseas.

    Cats That Look Like Pin-Up Girls

     

    Put the Bunny back in the box. Let us know in the comments!

     

    Check Out These 20 10 Super Weird Tumblrs!


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    In 2005, Marshall Junior High went into lockdown when a call was made about a suspicious object, possibly a weapon. It turned out to be a burrito. It sounds silly, going into high-security mode over a meat-filled tortilla, but with the benefit of hindsight, we can see that Marshall Junior High was actually ahead of the curve. Yes, mexican food has been used as a weapon in enough crimes that it's time we as a society took a long hard look at the danger it causes.


    chipotle burrito cut
    On the docket once Congress wraps up the gun control debate.
    (source)

    Don't believe me? Consider this incident from 2009, when Zachary Moir's mom mom demanded he stop playing X-Box and come down for dinner. How did Moir respond? He threw that dinner right in her face. The main course? Tacos. And to think, the media says video games negatively influence children.


    halo master chief
    Master Chief knows tacos are for eating.
    (source)

    Or what about the couple who argued so fervently over who got the most taco meat that the police were called? The man shoved a plate of tacos into her face, burning her eyes and causing her to call 911 and get her eyes flushed with water.


    chemistry class emergency shower
    As though the poor woman was in a 9th grade chemistry class.
    (source)

    And then we have this Minnesota man, An Adams, who threw a burrito at a woman and was charged with the grossest of gross misdemeanors.


    burrito throwing wolverine guy
    Although, when you live your life looking this much like the twin brother of Wolverine who got all the defective genes, I suppose ONLY throwing a burrito at a woman is a victory.
    (source)

    And just last month, Erik Brown was charged with a misdemeanor after he hurled a Taco Bell burrito into the face of his 16-year-old brother in law. Apparently the, ahem, victim acting disrespectfully towards his mother, which Brown witnessed, prompting him to ask the boy's mother to "bring him the burrito". The police also noted that the victim had “burrito cheese, sauce and meat all over his clothing and face.” And I just love that police officers had to make the conscious decision to note that in an official police report.


    cheese on face
    "You REALLY think this is relevant to the case, Jim?"
    (source)

    And finally, we have a woman who threw her burrito supreme at a cop outside of, where else, Taco Bell. Could this be why mexican food is being used so often as a weapon? Does the unstable nature of mexican food, and thus it's likelihood to burst upon impact, make it a weapon with splash damage?


    full burrito
    PICTURED: The coward's grenade.
    (source)

    What kind of Mexican food will you be using to commit your next armed assault? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

     


    Check out 6 Foods I Could Eat All Day Every Day Forever!

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    If you don't know what gift to give somebody, give them a greeting card that shows that you are lost and confused. It's better than an iTunes gift card because everyone you know steals music. Here are some weird greeting cards:

     

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    wtf greeting card silent night

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    Where does your hate come from? Let us know in the comments!

    Click here for more strange greeting cards!


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    Yup. There’s only seven kinds of videos girls make on YouTube – and this is every single one of ‘em. (And by "girls," I mean solo chicks in front of their webcams systematically destroying decades of progress in equal rights. Not, like, the cast members of Lena Dunham’s Emmy-winning show.)

     

    1. Makeup Tutorials

    Inexplicably, these videos have millions of hits. Some chick who posts Lady Gaga ('cause she's received "hundreds of requests to replicate her") and Angelina Jolie (in case you "need to look like a seductive siren) has over half a billion channel views. This one, by some chick who has a paltry 120 million channel views, teaches viewers how to fake having abs (because "life is too short to stay inside"). It has a staggering 23 million hits even though it's literally five minutes of a chick brushing her midriff with bronzer.
    Takeaway Quote: "Kinda blend it in. You don't want anything TOO fake."

     

    2. What's in My Bag? Videos

    As their names would imply, “What’s in my bag?” videos are videos in which chicks literally just show off the crap in their handbags. They’re always, without exception, insufferably long and mindblowingly inane. In this epic (13:49) clip, YouTube user juicystar07 (the baby genius who also brought the opus “How To [sic]: Wear a Scarf” into the world) shows off her bright pink bedroom, annoyingly chipper accent and Louis Vuitton purse. Her hobo-esque is filled to the brim like a damn clown car, the pièce de résistance being an enormous digital Scrabble dictionary she carries with her EVERYWHERE because, if she hears a word she doesn’t know (something that apparently happens constantly, she’s “not afraid to look it up.”
    Takeaway Quote: “OK, so that’s all...that’s in...my baby.”

     

    3. Messages to the Haters

    YouTube is filled with thousands of girls who have taken it upon themselves to create angry responses to their “haters”, imploring them to "shut up" and “stop hatin’. Many videos are created to respond to the “hateration” of specific “haters” (which, unless you have intimate knowledge of the personal life of the poster, are people you do not know and will never meet). This particular video is created in defense of some dude named Kenny, who Sha insists is a “good guy.” In the comments section, Kenny is appreciative of his boo Sha’s defense of him in light of the hateration that’s been goin’ on. Thanks, Sha!
    Takeaway Quote: "If you have somethin’ to say, make sure it’s positive."

     

    4. Declarations of Love

    If there’s one thing I know about teenage girls, it’s that they love to love. Gushing declarations of love (or "luv," to use the parlance of teen girlhood) for asexual pop sensations like Justin Bieber and the dudes in One Direction are all over YouTube. “Why i love Justin Bieber,” iLoveeBiebs’ touching black and white tribute to the boy wonder himself, has gotten her mad love in the comment section, inspiring one chick to write, “U are an amazing belieber even I don't know u.” (Which I’m pretty sure means she likes the video AND the Biebs.)
    Takeaway Quote: "Love you justin :')"

     

    5. Replies to Other Videos

    There’s a butt-load of broads who use YouTube solely to post inane responses to videos that have a butt-load of hits – these gals are called “Reply Girls,” and they are, by and large, universally despised. A chick who goes by the username ReplyGirl is, as you would imagine, THE #1 Reply Girl on YouTube, with a channel that has almost 27 million hits. Wanna know what being a Reply Girl is all about? Check out this vid, straight from the horse’s mouth. (NOTE: It involves showing off your cleavage.)
    Takeaway Quote: "Whether you spend an hour or thirty seconds doing a reply video, you are still going to get hate."

     

    6. Taylor Swift Covers

    Posting impassioned, usually acoustic, covers of Taylor Swift songs is what many teen and twenty-something girls do in lieu of bettering themselves and developing their own personal identities. Inexplicably, some of ‘em actually become popular by pantomiming the eye-rolling persona of the painfully un-self aware songstress – this particular video, for example, has over 24 million hits. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sit in the dark for a while.
    Takeaway Quote: ”We are never, ever, ever, getting back together.”

     

    7. Rump Shakin' Videos

    These videos answer the question, “What is the sound of one booty clapping?” The answer is usually, “nondescript rap music blasting from low-quality computer speakers.”
    Takeaway Quote: "[nondescript rap music]"

     

    What other tropes did I miss? Let me know in the comments!

     

    Click here to check out YouTube Videos That Make No Damn Sense!


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    Science has invented tons of stuff that was in Star Trek. I think it's time they start making stuff from video games. There are so many times in my everyday life that a sweet power-up would help me out tremendously. It's such a tease that I get to use them all the time in my favorite video games, but I'll probably never get to use them in real life. Here are video game power-ups that I wish were real.

     

    Propeller Mushroom (New Super Mario Bros. Wii)

    propeller mario drawing

    (source)

    The propeller mushroom is the first power-up you get in New Super Mario Bros. Wii. Not only is it adorable, it's one of the best power-ups in Mario history. This thing makes you fly straight up in to the air. Sure, it would be a great tool to get around, but it would be an even greater tool to get out of boring conversations. Oh, really? You tried a new kind of mayo that you really like? ZIP! GOODBYE!

     

    Time Stopper (Megaman 2)

    time stopper megaman

    (source)

    It would be pretty sweet to be able to stop time with the Time Stopper. There are all kinds of things you could do like finish your homework or quickly change your clothes to really freak people out when the time returns to normal. Of course, you could also do something evil with it like rob a bank. I don't think I'd really get much done because every time I stopped time I would scream, "I AM THE MASTER OF TIME!" and then just laugh like maniacally until time restarted.

     

    Power Orb (Altered Beast)

    altered beast transformation scene

    (source)

    The power orb in Altered Beast is what you use to turn in to a sweet Werebeast. Ever since I was a kid, I was way in to werewolves and it totally isn't because the first sex scene I ever saw was between two werewolves in The Howling. Either way, I'd probably turn in to a lame werebeast like a werepigeon or a werelemming.

     

    Fire (NBA Jam)

    nba jam fire dunk

    (source)

    Despite being over 6 feet tall, I am the worst at basketball. I've never been able to dunk on anything bigger than a plastic kiddie hoop. Anytime I've tried to play streetball at the local court, I've been shamed off of the court in less than a game. With the NBA Jam Fire I'd not only be able to do a super insane dunk, but I'd also destroy their hoop. NOW NO ONE GETS TO PLAY!

     

    Power Pellet (Pac-Man)

    pacman chases ghosts

    (source)

    If you're like me, your house is completely over run by ghosts that want to kill you. I don't know why they're all out to get me. It's not like I murdered them and hid their bodies in my crawl space. I can't tell you how awful it is having to constantly run around my place being chased by these things. If only I had a power pellet, I could finally kill all of those ghosts and be able to eat my various fruits in peace.

     

    Bullet Bill (Mario Kart)

    bullet bill on mariokart track

    (source)

    I live in Los Angeles so I regularly have to drive in insane rush hour traffic. A Bullet Bill would make me the happiest boy on earth if I got to use it even once. It would be so satisfying to fly through everyone as their cars delightfully explode. Mostly I want it so I can finally get to work on time for once so Smosh doesn't fire me.

     

    Insect Swarm (BioShock)

    insect swarm attack

    (source)

    This BioShock power-up allows you to grow bees in your arms and then spray them at enemies. I mostly want this because we have a serious problem in this country with bees, you guys. They're all dying you guys and there is nothing left to pollinate our crops. I'd start a business where I went from farm to farm and shot bees out of my arm. I'd also probably use them to get revenge on all of my ex girlfriends. But I'd totally do the save all the farms thing first.

     

    Bubbles The Chimp (Moonwalker)

    michael jackson robot

    (source)

    This one is pretty weird, but also possibly the most awesome one on this list. When you collect Bubbles The Chimp in Moonwalker, Michael Jackson turns in to a robot version of himself. I would love to be able to turn in to a robot version of Michael Jackson. I wouldn't really want it for the lasers since I never get in to fights. I'd want it so I could hit the club and bust out some sweet robot dance moves. I just hope the ladies will be able to see that I have a warm heart under my cold metallic shell.

     

    What are some power ups I missed? How would you use them in real life? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

     

    Check Out Which Mario Power-Up Would Most Help You Out With The Ladies?!


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