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Articles on this Page
- 03/05/13--15:21: _6 Fairy Tales Too B...
- 03/05/13--16:44: _8 Craziest Things M...
- 03/05/13--18:02: _The 6 Types Of Inst...
- 03/05/13--20:32: _Failed Movie Predic...
- 03/06/13--11:38: _YouTube Creating A ...
- 03/06/13--13:22: _Superheroes That Ne...
- 03/06/13--14:27: _10 Weirdest Celebri...
- 03/06/13--17:16: _The 6 Things You Ha...
- 03/07/13--11:14: _PETA Upset Because ...
- 03/07/13--12:39: _6 Teacher Traits Th...
- 03/07/13--13:46: _10 TV Shows That Wo...
- 03/07/13--17:29: _Things That Confuse...
- 03/07/13--18:52: _18 Awkwardly Sexual...
- 03/08/13--13:24: _10 Song Mash-Ups Th...
- 03/08/13--14:47: _5 Nicktoons With Me...
- 03/08/13--17:39: _6 Reasons Why Video...
- 03/09/13--12:32: _Laws You Break All ...
- 03/10/13--19:55: _6 Reasons Why You S...
- 03/11/13--11:24: _Dad Hacks Donkey Ko...
- 03/11/13--12:50: _6 Signs You're on a...
- 03/05/13--15:21: 6 Fairy Tales Too Bizarre for Live-Action Films
- 03/05/13--16:44: 8 Craziest Things Made With A 3D Printer
- 03/05/13--18:02: The 6 Types Of Instagram Photos
- 03/05/13--20:32: Failed Movie Predictions For The Future
- 03/06/13--11:38: YouTube Creating A Music Streaming Service To Take On Spotify!
- 03/06/13--13:22: Superheroes That Need Their Own Arrow-Esque TV Show
- 03/06/13--14:27: 10 Weirdest Celebrity Auction Items
- 03/06/13--17:16: The 6 Things You Have to Do Right After You Lose Your Phone
- 03/07/13--11:14: PETA Upset Because Assassin's Creed 4 Will Have Whale Hunting
- 03/07/13--12:39: 6 Teacher Traits That Come Out This Time Of Year
- 03/07/13--13:46: 10 TV Shows That Would Make Awesome Movies
- 03/07/13--17:29: Things That Confused My Dad About Pokemon
- 03/07/13--18:52: 18 Awkwardly Sexual Sports Moments
- 03/08/13--13:24: 10 Song Mash-Ups That Shouldn't Work (But Do)
- 03/08/13--14:47: 5 Nicktoons With Mental Illnesses!
- 03/08/13--17:39: 6 Reasons Why Video Game Movies Are Almost Always Awful
- 03/09/13--12:32: Laws You Break All The Time
- 03/10/13--19:55: 6 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Be A Model
- 03/11/13--11:24: Dad Hacks Donkey Kong So Daughter Can 'Play As The Girl'
- 03/11/13--12:50: 6 Signs You're on a Last Date
With “Snow White and the Huntsman,” “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters,” and now “Jack the Giant Slayer,” Hollywood has been telling more fairy tales than the Brothers Grimm trying to impress dates. But some magical tales are meant more for flu-inspired nightmares than the big screen. (Special Note: Count how many times someone is set on fire or killed by a box in the following stories. You’ll be unpleasantly surprised.)
The Plot: A little girl decides to visit Frau Trude against her parents’ wishes. On her way to Trude’s house she sees a coal miner, a hunter, a butcher, and maybe a barrista but probably not. She also sees the devil in Trude’s window. Trude reveals she’s really the devil but really, really a witch. Trude turns the little girl into a block of wood and tosses her into the fire. Girl burns. Witch finally wins in one of these tales.
How to Film It Anyway: Create a series of films letting the witch win every single time—she eats Hansel and Gretel, keeps Snow White’s heart in an Igloo cooler, and discovers that dousing her with water actually cures her diabetes and increases broom flight control.
The Plot: A woman wishes she could have a child. She then gives birth to a son, dies, and is buried under a juniper tree. Years later the father marries another woman who doesn’t like her stepson and so beheads him with a box lid. Stepmother then pins the crime on her daughter before burning the boy and serving him as stew to the father. Suddenly a bird flies out of the juniper tree and drops a grinding stone on the evil stepmom. She goes up in smoke and the boy magically reappears, head and all. Then everyone has dinner.
How to Film It Anyway: Turn the juniper tree into a whomping willow and have it go ape sh*t on the evil stepmom. Spend the remaining 86 minutes explaining why box lids were made with the same materials as guillotines.
The Plot: Woman interviews potential husbands in front of reporters. After each interview, woman tosses the candidate into the fire, thereby proving once again that people in the Middle Ages sure liked to watch visitors burn. Suddenly Blockhead Hans rides in on a goat carrying a dead crow, a wooden shoe, and mud, which he combines to make dinner. Then he throws mud at the reporters. The woman and Hans get married. The shoe is delicious.
How to Film It Anyway: Shoot as “The Bachelorette” finally made interesting. Last man not to be grey ash or a soot stain under a Duraflame log wins.
Boots Who Ate a Match with the Troll
The Plot: A boy challenges an ogre to an eating contest because entertainment options were severely limited back then. The boy cheats by dropping most of his food into a sack under the table. The ogre tries to keep up but says his stomach is too full. The boy tells the ogre to cut a hole in his stomach to let some of the food out so he can keep eating. The ogre does so. The ogre drops dead.
How to Film It Anyway: A 90-minute training song montage leading up to the big eating competition, complete with lyrics about taking things to the limit, triumphant guitar solo, and probably incessant vomiting. Then when ogre cuts open his own stomach the boy’s girlfriend falls out. They get married. The boy declines a slice of wedding cake.
The Boy Who Found Fear at Last
The Plot: Mom tell son that to be a man he must know fear. Boy then goes out in search of being scared senseless. Boy battles a zombie, gets strangled by a girl’s legs, and is almost drowned by a mermaid, but is never frightened. One day he enters a city only to find that the king has died. The city releases a pigeon to choose the new ruler and it lands on the boy. The boy becomes terrified that he would not be a good king, but pigeons keep landing and crapping on him. The boy now knows fear and so becomes incredibly wealthy and powerful.
How to Film It Anyway: Depending on the age of the boy character this can either be an exciting horror/adventure teen film or a terrifying warning about why you should never let toddlers out of your sight.
The Maiden with the Rose on Her Forehead
The Plot: A prince asks his sister to look after his garden while he goes off to fight. The sister falls asleep in the garden and wakes up pregnant. Girl is born with a rose sticking out of her forehead. Rather than pruning the girl, she secretly sends her away to a different school district. One day the girl gets hit in the head with a cherry pit. Mother takes this to mean she told people who she is and so she kills her daughter and locks her in a box. Prince’s wife later opens the box to find the dead girl sewing. Prince’s wife sets the girl on fire because, well, that part’s not really spelled out. Prince finds out and burns everyone and everything to the ground.
How to Film It Anyway: Umm…disregard entirely. Instead film “Three Little Pigs” with the pig from the Geico commercial. Movie ends with him filling out paperwork and splitting the life insurance on his two brothers with the wolf.
Would you watch any of these? Let us know in the comments!
Soon 3D printers will be such an every day item in our lives it will stop being the miraculous science fiction invention it is. With lowering prices and "ink" made from household plastic items humanity’s lifelong dream of never leaving the house will one day be realized. Here are some insane items that 3D printing have made possible.
8. Photo Booths That Make Miniature "You" Action Figures
Popping up all over Japan and soon to a mall near you (probably) there are 3D printing photo booths that can take your picture and produce tiny replicas of you. Finally you can play with yourself in public!
7. Gun Parts
Although the schematics have since been taken off of Thingiverse (the current largest online database for 3D printing designs) in the wake of the Newtown tragedy, functional guns have been made using printers. Realistic toy guns, however, can still be made. Behold, amendment debates of the future, today!
Gone will be the days of waiting weeks for a specific part for your car. Soon you will drive away day of and for a lot less. Fun trivia, a 3D printer was used in the recent Bond film, Skyfall, to create an exact model replica of his famous Aston Martin – just to blow up. I love when science and Myth Busters grow more and more indistinguishable from one another.
A man named Seigey designed his own 3D Mario, printed it out on his 3D printer, and then spent hours painting it. Although it isn't perfect, in the future we'll be able to make our own toys and action figues at home..
4. Other 3d Printers
In the technological equivalent of wishing for more wishes, 3D printers are able to self produce. Soon they will out produce us all.
3. Robot Friends
French sculptor Gael Langevin has made the open source plans for his robot available on Thingiverse. Well, the left and right arms are available now, but who doesn’t need a robot arm to do their dirty work? Heck, I have one doing my laundry right now. Yes, laundry and not high stakes backroom poker. Yesss.
2. A Bald Eagle’s Beak
Poor Beauty the bald eagle was shot in the face in 2005 by poachers leaving her beakless, defenseless and unable to feed herself. 6 years of development by scientists, engineers and even dentists, Beauty was given a prosthetic beak and can now be self-reliant. It’s a shame Michael Jackson didn’t live long enough for similar considerations.
1. Human Bones and Organs That Work
Inarguably the coolest application of 3D printing technology is in creating human tissue for transplants. Health care and transplant lists being what they are, this technology will very literally save lives. Bones have already been produced implanted in the jaw as well as realistic looking ears with the help of artificial and real stem cells. Below is a video of how similar technology will soon be used to make complex organs like the kidneys. Basically, you can do the YOLO guys. You can do the YOLO til the cows come home ya knuckleheads.
What would you use your 3D printer for? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter to get Charley schematics for your printer. Make sure you’re stocked with nachos for optimum functionality.
It took over two years and over 100 million registered users to prove that when it comes to using Instagram, there really are only six photo options. (Well, seven if you count “It’s my Facebook profile pic that’s not quite good enough to be my actual Facebook profile pic.”)
“I’m eating food!”
Alternatives:“The things people can draw in latte foam, by which I mean a heart or leaf.” “I made this cake all by myself. I’m going to eat this cake all by myself. I may have a problem.” “Yes, this is my eighth photo in a row of ramen noodles. You try being a foodie in this economy.”
“Look, skies have clouds.”
Alternatives:“Look, skies have clouds AND the wing of an airplane because I got a window seat.” “Look, it’s the same clouds but now seen through tree branches.” “Look, it’s sunrise/Look, it’s sunset/Look, it’s sun glare as I take this photo through my windshield before driving into a mailbox.”
“My feet went to the beach.”
Alternatives:“My friends and I put our feet in a circle because we crazy like that. Also, a pentagram shape would have been too hard and scary.” “Here’s a close-up of my toenail polish. Please focus on the cool leopard print and not the fact I have foot fungus.” “This is a shot of my feet as I lie on the couch/walk on the street/realize I may have a very serious foot fetish.”
“Consider this my retweet of my text chat.”
Alternatives:“Consider this a retweet of someone else’s text chat, which I’ve convinced myself is not a creepy thing to do.” “This is a photo of a quote because nothing says ‘visual arts’ like words.” “This is a photo of a receipt in which the word ‘vodka’ shows up 11 times.”
“Buildings sure are tall when you look up at them.”
Alternatives:“Sure, you may have seen the Empire State Building before, but have you ever seen it in ‘Earlybird’?” “This is the skyline of the city taken from across the river because I couldn’t afford a hotel actually in the city.” “Here’s proof I really did travel with 47 photos of people asleep in the airport.”
“My cat really should have his own Instagram account.”
Alternatives:“No one ever hits ‘Like’ when I post a photo of myself or where I am so here’s another picture of Scruffles stretching.” “Here’s a photo of my two cats sleeping because if I had posted a photo of my five cats sleeping you would avoid me on the street.” “This actually is my cat’s Instagram account.”
Are you sure it's not the fault of your pictures, but that actually your life is really boring? Let us know in the comments!
Time and time again movies have introduced us to a vision of the future that is sometimes better than ours, often worse, and almost always wrong. In fact, it seems the one thing many of the following “future movies” can agree on is that clearly everybody today is still pissed we’re not driving cars in mid-air yet.
Back to the Future II (Year Predicted: 2015)
What It Got Wrong: Hoverboard/hovercars/hoversigns; Auto-lacing sneakers/auto-fitting clothes; Scrolling LED Nametag hats; Wearing two ties at once; “Jaws 19”; Movie would be as beloved as the original “Back to the Future”
What It Actually Got Right: Flatscreen, wall-mounted TVs; Body-controlled video games; Video conferencing; Florida would get a baseball team; Everyone still wants a hoverboard (though everyone knew Mattel would botch the real thing).
Blade Runner (Year Predicted: 2019)
What It Got Wrong: Rather emotional androids; Hovercars (again); Eye-scanning lie detector; Early 21st century will resemble “The Jetsons” if the sun had been blotted out and Rosie the Robot routinely killed people
What It Actually Got Right: Giant electronic billboards projected on the sides of skyscrapers; Skype; Weather has been severely altered; Coca-Cola is still around; L.A. is unlivable
Terminator Movies (Year Predicted: 1997ish)
What It Got Wrong: Global defense computer network becomes self-aware and initiates nuclear holocaust to destroy humanity in 1997…or 2004…or 2011, depending on which movie or TV series you watch.
What It Actually Got Right: The years 1997, 2004, and 2011 all occurred
Escape from New York (Year Predicted: 1997)
What It Got Wrong: Manhattan is a giant maximum-security prison, devoid of any living things except the worst people imaginable
What It Actually Got Right: Depends almost entirely on your view of New York City
Timecop (Year Predicted: 2004)
What It Got Wrong: Time travel is possible; Self-driving, voice-activated cars are commonplace; Jean-Claude Van Damme is still relevant in the 21st century
What It Actually Got Right: People will wear clothes, have jobs, and exchange dialogue with one another in 2004
Demolition Man (Year Predicted: 2032)
What It Got Wrong: There is almost no crime; Taco Bell is a five-star restaurant, complete with long waiting list, valet parking, dance floor, and probably working toilets; Los Angeles and San Diego merged to create San Angeles, probably resulting in a baseball team that sounds like a video racing game through a monastery called “Padre Dodgers”
What It Actually Got Right: The movie still has 19 years to go but some Taco Bell chains recently tested positive for horsemeat, thereby ensuring Chili’s will be the future home of diplomat dinners and debutant balls
2001: A Space Odyssey (Year Predicted: Guess)
What It Got Wrong: Commercial space travel is routine; Colony on the moon; Contact with alien intelligence; Self-aware, self-serving computers who blame everything on “human error”; Pan Am is still in business
What It Actually Got Right: Computer tablets (although a few years early); in-flight personal TV screens on backs of chairs (right on time); The Dawn of Man (although admittedly that one was pretty well-known by then)
Where are my shoes? I've lost my shoes. Let me know in the comments!
According to Fortune, YouTube is in the process of building up a streaming music service to launching later this year. Users will be able to subscribe to YouTube's service and listen to their chosen music for as long as they're a subscriber. I know what you're thinking — that's basically Spotify. But I have to imagine there'll be at least one important difference.
YouTube won't tell your Facebook friends how often you listened to Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble" song right after your relationship status changed to "It's Complicated".
YouTube music player got your back, bro.
I can see why YouTube would get into this business, since I use the powerful tag-team of YouTube and Google to listen to whatever specific song I'm in the mod for at the time.
Most of those 8,726 views were me yesterday while I was incredibly sad.
Apparently, the service would offer a free, ad-supported version and a premium, paid version. To me, the most interesting aspect of this isn't that YouTube would begin charging money, it's that there are still enough people who hate paying money for things to make it viable for YouTube to not charge money. I mean, are people really not fed up with Spotify's incredibly loud, irreverent commercials yet?
"HELLO MUSIC LISTENER! WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MORE
ABOUT TERM LIFE INSURANCE?!"
I'm just so exhausted by this advertising business model, guys. Pay money for the things you like. This is such a clear, obvious business model — you help out the people who make the great stuff you like and get an experience you can enjoy without being interrupted by desperate companies begging you, a person who's already shown that they're not super interested in spending to money, to please PLEASE spend money.
This advertising subtly affects us, guys, whether we realize it or not. You may not be spending money on your video, but there is still a cost. And we need to realize that before it goes too far.
"Sure I got some cybernetic implants that display ads from Yahoo and
Amazon while I dream, but I can listen to six songs a week for FREE!"
Would you get a subscription to a Google music service? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out these Super Weird Celebrity Music Video Cameos!
I watched a few episodes of the CW's Arrow show, and it was all right, I guess, but I was all "Who is this Green Arrow? Arrows aren't green, they're brown, and more importantly, why isn't this show about a superhero I know about?" So I'm going to list the superheroes who need their own show like Arrow, a show that describes the hero's origins and path to obtaining their superpowers and heroic identities, in the hopes that it'll find it's way to CW executives.
Sure, everyone loves the suited-up, gravelly voiced Christian Bale Batman. But how did that Batman come to be? I mean, sure we had Batman Begins, but how does the Batman of Batman Begins begin? I think it'd be fun to see a prequel-style series that hints at the best parts of the Batman mythos. For instance, if Bruce wore a sweater over his shoulders and get the bottom caught in a paper shredder, thus resembling his future cape. Or, Bruce could take his old pal Harvey Dent out to lunch, and Harvey could order half a sandwich. Or maybe Bruce gets stabbed twice in the head and it makes his shadow look sort of like bat ears.
I'll tell you one thing about The Flash — he runs fast. Yessir. I feel like a show depicting the early years of The Flash would be nothing but a man running very quickly for an hour a week. And that. Is. It. Running fast. I know that sounds boring, but think about what an interesting, experimental approach to avant garde television it would be! This show could put the CW in the same dignified air as that Tree of Life movie and the weird guy from every film school ever whose senior thesis is just, like, an angry man breaking plates and ripping up stuffed animals.
A time-traveler from the future, Booster Gold uses future technology to convince the world that he's a superhero while simultaneously accruing as much wealth and fame as he can. While seemingly frivolous, Booster Gold actually says a lot about us as human beings — would we truly use superpowers for noble purposes, or is man so corrupt, so morally bankrupt, that we utilize that which is most special about us to manipulate and take advantage of those weaker than ourselves? It's a fascinating question — one that asks questions about morality and the very nature of man.
He also has a robot sidekick named Skeets so, you know, that's some ratings gold right there.
Okay, imagine Smallville, but now replace the best friend characters with fish. You look me in the eye and TELL ME it wouldn't be hilarious to see a regular human man talking about how to get a date to the Senior Prom with some stupid fish.
A Winston Churchill origin TV series would show us how the hero of the second world war gained the greatest superpower of all — the gift of inspiring oratory. It'd be GODDAMN ACTION-PACKED.
A Wolverine TV series would be a lot like the Flash series as described above, but instead of nonstop running, it would feature the nonstop slicing up of guys. So better in every conceivable way than that Flash series, is what I'm saying.
Unlike most superheroes who grew up in the real world, with regular parents who loved and supported them, Wonder Woman on Paradise Island, a crazy land where Amazonian women create daughters out of clay and fight monsters from Greek mythology. So with a Wonder Woman show, we'd get all the same relationship and paternal drama we would from a traditional CW show, except the main character would also fight a minotaur. And as we all know, things are always radder when you add a minotaur. Just look at God of War, Magic: The Gathering, or the 1964 presidential campaign.
That's not to say that either President Lyndon Johnson or Senator Barry Goldwater were minotaurs, per se, but can't you just feel how interesting that campaign would be if they were?
Which superhero show do you most want to see? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
If you think the days of worshipping gods and carrying sacred talismans is over you need only look to eBay to see it is alive and well. Except our gods are a little more earthbound, and probably twice as stinky. Celebrity auctions are for those who want to be near something famous so badly they will literally give all they have for the privilege. Here are some of the more bizarre lots in recent memory.
Jennifer Lawrence’s Sports Bra, $3,175
Several items from the film Silver Linings Playbook were put up for auction recently, including the sweaty sport’s bra Jennifer Lawrence wore in the film. No word yet on how much the Raisin Bran she ate in the film went for but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
Britney Spears’ Chewed Bubblegum, $14,000
Back in the bubblegum pop star’s heyday, Britney Spear’s actual discarded bubblegum won big in several different auctions. Today her gum is only used to make sure she has something to concentrate on so she doesn’t try to escape her custodians.
Justin Bieber’s Hair, $40,668
Bieber and Ellen DeGeneres gave his famous hair purpose when his locks brought animal rights organization Gentle Barn Foundation 40k. Word is the winner of his hair used it to complete their polyjuice potion and are now raking in millions in profit from appearances.
Scarlett Johansson’s Snotty Tissue, $5,300
Another bizarre auction created for good. On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, a sick and snotty Scarlett blew her nose and announced its sale on eBay to fundraise for the hunger relief charity, USA Harvest. I’m surprised this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often. If gossip columns are to be believed, there are a lot of fluids being expelled in Hollywood (wakka wakka).
Niall Horan’s Half Eaten Vegemite Toast, (Almost Sold) $100,000
One of the One Direction kids that aren’t Harry Styles apparently tossed up some vegemite laden toast on an Australian talk show. An enterprising individual took said toast and put it up for sale. Like you do. The bids hit $100,000 before being taken down. I’m going to guess it tested positive for cooties. Type 1.
Michael Jackson’s Dirty Underwear, $1M
If it’s already gross to think about Michael Jackson’s soiled underwear taking in a whopping one million dollars. It’s doubly, infinitely, more gross to know that these drawers were acquired during one of his molestation investigations AS EVIDENCE. Damn it rich people, stop being gross and use that money on African wells or something. Yeeeesh.
John Lennon’s Tooth, $31,200
If a legend can’t trust the help, who can he trust? Before his death, John Lennon gave his housekeeper his extracted tooth after a dentist visit. Weirdest severance pay ever.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Breath, $523
How do you even verify this sort of item? Somebody feed beans to Taylor Swift, I’m going to get a mason jar. Somebody in Japan is already on the line for a million dollar opening bid.
Justin Timberlake’s Half-Eaten French Toast, $3,154
What’s with the partially eaten toasts? Kanye isn’t leaving behind any paninis? Anyways, Timberlake’s breakfast went up for bid and someone bought it, probably for cloning hit makers. It’s a good investment. As is hair relaxer.
James Blunt’s Sister, Marriage
I’m unclear if James Blunt is still relevant, but there was this one time he auctioned his sister as an unintended throwback to dowries of old. Apparently Blunt’s sister couldn’t find a ride to a wedding. Blunt, being a self-professed eBay addict, put her dilemma out there for bid and a rich person with a helicopter and too much time on his hands won. A couple months later, they were married. Seems like a lucrative side business if this music thing doesn’t pan out.
Anything on this list you would buy? If so, please deposit money in my PayPal because you clearly have too much of it. In the meantime, let me know what you think about this craziness in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so I can something, something, profit.
In between the stress, the lack of security, and the sudden loss of contact with the world writ large, it's fair to say that losing your phone is a horrible feeling. In fact, I'm willing to bet there's nothing worse in the entire world than losing your phone, and I say this as someone who has both accidentally eaten pushpins as cereal and watched every episode this season of Community. But I've been through this before, and maybe we can turn my pain into wisdom. Here's what you have to do right away if you lose your phone.
Maybe you were mugged. Maybe you clumsily dropped it into the toilet. Maybe you were pushed into a pool with it in your pocket. The fact is, your phone is gone. And now, you have no choice but to avenge it. Hunt down those muggers, vigilante-style. Take a sledgehammer to that porcelain bowl. And push that friend into a pool. A pool of LAVA. They probably have those around where you live, right?
Get caught up on podcasts at your house
The best way to listen to podcasts is during a walk, but if your phone is gone, the only way you'll be able to listen to podcasts is at home, through iTunes. That means you're stuck inside, with your computer, listening to these long, long, episodes. And yeah, you might go a little stir crazy, looking at those four walls for such a long time. You might start feeling like you're in the garbage compactor scene in Star Wars. You might even begin to suffer from cabin fever and begin to think there is no longer any outside world at all!
Granted, if you do start feeling that stir-crazy, you could always pause what you're listening to and go outside yourself for a minute but you KNOW how hard it is to get back into an episode of Radiolab once you take a break!
Shout at the sky
Shouting at the sky is a good way to get some of the bad feelings off your chest. Here are some example phrases I shouted at the sky after I lost my phone:
— "This isn't fair!"
— "Don't I have enough to deal with already?
— "Am I eligible for an upgrade through my service provider? Because that would be really great timing if I were! I don't even know how that works really! Am I still on my mom's plan or what?! If I get a new phone does that mean she won't get a new phone when the contract runs out? Because I do want her to get a new phone! She has this really old Android thing and it's just kind of bad! Anyhow, I'd just like a little more information, is all!"
— "Why did this happen to MEEEEE?!"
Look around and experience where you are
Listen, I've had an iPhone for years — my head's been titled at a 45 degree angle ever since. Now that your phone is gone, you can look up, look around! Who knows where you might be! What if you're in nature? Look at the sunlight, peeking through the trees! What if you're around your friends? They want to interact with you! (Assuming they lost their phones as well.) What if you're in a zoo? The animals can talk to you! In fact, they could always talk to you. You just could never listen.
Just sit down and cry in a Burger King
Since it's only natural to want a good cry — and hey, don't feel bad about it, this is a hard thing — I suggest doing it at a Burger King. Why? Because maybe it'll inspire some of the other patrons at Burger King to have themselves a good cry as well. And they definitely need one, too. That's why they're at a Burger King.
Realize that you're more powerful than even the entire universe
Yes, you had something taken from you, and it wasn't fair. The universe can do whatever it wants to us, it can take our health, our stability, our youth, our relationships, and yes, even our phones. When you think about it, the universe can knock us down whenever it wants to. But we, as human beings, have one counter-move — we can always get back up. The universe doesn't win unless we let it, and even though you've lost your phone, and your contacts, and banking information, and photographs, you can still carry on. No matter how many times it knocks us down, the one thing the universe can never stop us from doing is getting back up. And that makes us stronger than the universe. When you look at it that way, losing a phone isn't so bad after all, is it?
Hey, has anyone seen my wallet? I could've sworn I had it in that taxi ca... that is it. Whatever, I'm just going to go be alone in my room for the next six months.
What do you do when you lose your phone? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Ubisoft has only just announced Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag, but the game is already raising ire. No, not from gamers — Assassin's Creed 3 is still drawing that out all by its lonesome, thank you very much. No, animal rights group PETA is upset about Assassin's Creed 4 because in it, the series' new protagonist, Edward Kenway, is going to go a-whaling.
Get it gurl.
After Ubisoft stated that whaling, the practice of hunting whales that still goes on today, PETA's Matt Bruce voiced his distaste, speaking to Polygon, saying "PETA encourages video game companies to create games that celebrate animals, not games that promote hurting and killing them". He went on to say that "It doesn't take anything away from having [whaling] not be a part of the game, but they insisted on putting it in."
So I guess I'm wondering how Matt Bruce knows that it wouldn't take anything away from the game to cut the whales? Assassin's Creed 4 is still almost a year away and absolutely no one has played it yet. What if the only thing to do in the game is to fight whales?
Here's a screenshot from Shadow of Colossus if Matt Bruce had been a Colossus advocate.
I'm going to be incredibly brave here, not care what ANYONE thinks, and state my opinion that yes, it is cruel to kill whales. But look, in the context of the Assassin's Creed series, it's no more cruel than anything the assassins do. In fact, taking on a whale head-on with a harpoon is ostensibly the kindest thing Kenway will do in Assassin's Creed 4. At least the whale knows he's in a fight and can steel himself up. He's not going to be snuck up on and assassinated.
The same cannot be said for the mayor of Pirate Country over here.
It sure seems to me like PETA is actively hurting their cause. The only people who have even heard of Assassin's Creed are video gamers, and they're a group who, for whatever reason, take games incredibly seriously. I mean, we're talking about a group who still argue whether the Genesis or Super Nintendo was the better system. Attacking Assassin's Creed just for doin' it's thang just makes me immediately react defensively.
And I don't want to, either. I know that's irrational. But hearing PETA contacted the press because of digital whaling makes me less inclined to listen to them when there's a legitimate cause that I could get involved in. And the worst part of it is, I'm a perfect candidate to volunteer with PETA to end animal cruelty because I a) hate cruelty and b) love animals.
Some, including lions, are an inspiration to me for their toughness.
Is a digital depiction of killing whales as bad as actually killing whales? More to the point, are you even interested in Assassin's Creed anymore? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Time Periods Assassin's Creed Should Explore
Teachers are human beings, too, with feelings and stomachs. As you evolve over the course of the school year, teachers are doing the same thing, in somewhat predictable patterns. It helps to get ahead of them, so you feel like you have some semblance of mental control over the people who control you for a living. Teacher traits that come out like clockwork this time of year include:
They Don’t Actually Care About The Things They Want You To Think They Care About
The same joke you made in September that got you an awkward, “Is something funny?” from the teacher now KILLS in that same English class. Your peers are allowed to laugh for a solid two minutes, and the teacher even cracks a snicker. Yeah, they don’t want to teach House On Mango Street any more than you want to read it.
They Hate Children
Don’t be fooled by that young new teacher who seemed like your best friend in September. Now’s when they start assigning boatloads of homework because she "didn't get through as much of the syllabus” as she’d have hoped. But you know it's really because the Sadie Hawkins Dance is this weekend and she doesn’t like happiness.
They No Longer Choose Clothes That Make Sense
Summers are glory days for teachers; they can work out, shop, sleep so that their decision-making skills are top-notch... but by March, they’ve undoubtedly fallen off the wagon. Don’t be alarmed if you start seeing more elastic waistbands and the same novelty socks multiple days of the week. It’s their version of senioritis.
They Think Of Time As Fleeting
It’s about now that teachers feel the need to remind you how precious little time you have left together. Soon it’ll be spring break, and then the year will just fly to a close. Too bad we won’t get to cover U.S. History beyond World War Two... WHOA. Can we just stop and live in the present? Thank you. Now back to screwing around.
They Let You Do The Fun Stuff
Telenovelas in Spanish, Broadway songs in choir, group projects in chemistry? If teachers know how to teach fun-ly, why not offer that option year-round?
They’ll Try And Become Indispensible To You So They Can Follow You To Your Next Grade
This is totally a thing. Of course, the indispensible advice they offer will not always have been solicited, but it’ll totally save the day if you let it. Ask TV.
What else is different about teachers this time of year? Let us know in the comments!
So I know we're all excited for the Netflix version of Arrested Development. If House of Cards was any indication, it will surely be terrific. But it got me thinking about other tv shows that need a movie. So guess what y'all! Your boy @danborrelli made a LIST!
What a turrable season so far. It started off pretty promising but somewhere just took a turn for the worst. A movie would have been a much better way to end this series, instead of the NBC method of a long, painful death. PLOT: The gang has to save the school from closing by beating their rival school, only to realize their entire universe is a dream created in Abed’s head.
9. DR. WHO
I’m sorry, I have tried time and again to get into this show and for some reason it just isn’t sticking. And I KNOW they’ve made movies and specials in the past. But a new, updated Dr. Who theatrically released movie would be the ideal way to capture a whole new audience. Look at what the reboot of Star Trek did for that franchise! PLOT: The Doctor has to collect pieces of a puzzle from different eras in time, soliciting the help of all of the old Rose Tylers.
The British version. Imagine it. It would be WAY better than RDJ parading around as some Steampunk Tony Stark. Each episode in the series is basically a mini-movie anyway. Might as well give them a budget. PLOT: Google “Sherlock Holmes: The Sign of Four”. That! (TIL India made this a movie in 2005, this outsourcing is killing us you guys!)
The irony here is that this show has filled up my DVR and I can’t seem to delete any of the episodes. Also, I’m not talking about a documentary like the show. Oh no my friends, I’m talking about a scripted horror movie filled with twists and gut-wrenching, Eli Roth-esc torture scenes. PLOT: An elderly man in town has been discovered to be hoarding…BODIES!
6. EAST BOUND AND DOWN
Kenny Powers the movie would be incredible. And the budget they could get would be huge! There hasn’t been a good movie about a hilarious, arrogant but ignorant character since Anchorman and KP is just the man to take over. Tell me you wouldn’t be in line at midnight! PLOT: A prequel to the series, we follow Kenny’s initial rise and fall in the world of beisbol.
Okay, so again, not a movie version of the show. But a movie BASED on the show. The plot says it all… PLOT: “Jeopardy” tells the story of Mike Gordon, All-American college football star/genius who must go head to head in a trivia-based battle of wits against the leading minds of North Korea, in order to stop the annihilation of the entire planet. Starring Ken Jeong and that kid from Smallville.
The plot would have to be way more clever than anything I can come up with, but just seeing his style of story telling and editing play out over the span of a buck 45 could be very interesting. I’d have to assume he’d instantly become the second coming of Woody Allen, and it could lead to him making a movie a year just based on the themes and thoughts surrounding his standup. Anyway, I’d see it. PLOT: Who knows? Maybe he finds out he has cancer and has to try and right all the wrongs he’s made in life. Or maybe he just eats too much cheese and tries to awkward hit on a woman. Either way, he’s already got my $13.50
3. ANY OF THE ESPN 30 FOR 30 SERIES
Seriously, they’re Lifetime movies for boys and it’s about time we had our Beaches. These stories are inspiring and incredibly emotional and would all make excellent full-length documentaries. Seriously google that noise. PLOT: The Bo Jackson one was pretty epic.
It’s time people, it’s time. This cartoon has sat dormant for far too long. I need my Yakko, Wakko, and Dot! Not only was this cartoon a cornerstone of my childhood, but it taught a generation countless lessons in geography and comedy alike. I think it’s time we had a good shot of nostalgia right to the arm. PLOT: The Warner Bros. lot is in danger of closing and all of the characters from Anamaniacs have to ban together to defeat the evil corporation taking over. Also, some awesome Pinky and the Brain B story.
1. LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE
PLOT: Olmec enlists the help of four young kids to help find the pieces of the silver monkey in order to save the world. They must enlist the help of various jungle mythical creatures (purple parrots, blue barracudas, etc) in order to complete their mission. The fate of the world is in their hands. And if they come out on top, everyone lives…plus they get a 3-minute shopping spree at a Toys R Us of their choosing.
What TV shows do you want to see in movie form? Let me know in the comments below or by screaming at me @danborrelli
My father is an old fashioned kind of guy. Not so old fashioned that he rides a horse to work, or is a terrible bigot. I guess by "old fashioned" I just mean he doesn’t get any entertainment made since the advent of the talkies. One of the things he struggled with the most when I was a young man was figuring just what, exactly, this "Pokemon" business was all about. I’ve been thinking about those dark, dark days, and I now present to you The Things That Confused My Dad About Pokemon When It First Came Out:
“Are they monsters, or what?”
Never one to miss a root word, my father immediately picked up on the “mon” in Pokemon. But you know what? I had no idea if they were “monsters, or what”. It’s a question that still haunts me, the way many of us are haunted by things our parents have said to us.
“What’s the point of catching them all?”
This is my father getting philosophical, because really, what is the point of catching them all? Just to say you caught them? Isn’t that a perfect metaphor for the life we live in today’s hyper-capitalist society, pushing us to make money just for the sake of making money. Who knew that, together, my Dad and Pokemon could ponder some of the great existential questions of any person ever?
“Everyone in this cartoon looks the same age.”
Yes, my Dad stumbled upon the problem many of us have with anime, in that many of the characters tend to look very similar to each other. To deal with this problem, I’d usually mumble something like “He’s a like a teenager or something” then turn back to the show, while he made some comment about it being just like “That Dragon Balls show…”.
“How come the cat can talk?”
Another question I had no answer for (maybe because it was hard to pay attention with all these questions being lobbed my way), he seemed genuinely curious about why Team Rocket’s Meowth companion was able to talk (an irritating amount, it turned out). For a while he was sure that Meowth wasn’t a pokemon but “Some sort of mutant cat, like the Ninja Turtles”.
“The card game is the same as “War”, but with different rules and cards.”
Yes, Dad, you have just described all card games. Thank God he wasn’t familiar with Magic: the Gathering, or he would have REALLY been able to hit the nail on the head.
“Isn’t this whole thing just trying to get you to buy stuff?”
Despite the fact that this question makes it seem like my father is just discovering we live in a capitalist economy, it actually belies one of his greatest hatreds; being marketed to. He will not be a pawn in your attempts to influence how HE thinks, no sir!
“Look at this crap. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I don’t know, but I’d say it’s genetic.
NOT THE BEES! HAAARGH! MY EYES! AAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES!!!!! Let us know in the comments!
Admit it: any event where guys get together to sweat and grunt is bound to get a little touchy. If you DONT admit it, you're probably really into sports and not really into being honest with yourself. Here are a bunch of sexually suggestive sports pictures that might make you reconsider.
Did you just learn something about yourself? Let us know in the comments!
Song mashups are one of my favorite types of viral videos. I'd make a joke about sucky Glee mashups here but that show isn't even relevant anymore, right? 'YES YOU ARE RIGHT!!' screamed everyone on the internet. I especially love the ones that on the surface seem like they totally wouldn't work and yet somehow...are the best ones ever! Here's 10 of those!
Call Me A Hole - Nine Inch Nails and Carly Rae Jepsen
Seriously..this works so well it might be my new favorite song. Also it's called 'Call Me a Hole' which is full of all kinds of accidentally naughty LOLS. My favorite kind of LOLs. Because I'm a super mature person.
Korn vs. Taylor Swift - We Are Coming Undone
Before the shouting goats were improving Taylor Swift songs, Korn was. And actually if I'm being honest, Taylor Swift is also improving a Korn song here. The whole is definitely greater than the sum of its two parts. Hehe... I said whole again.
Justin Bieber vs. Slipknot - Psychosocial Baby
Damn you Slipknot! You made me like a Justin Bieber song. I haven't liked something Justin Bieber-related this much since I heard the news that he so stupidly fainted.
Oppa Space Jam Style
WHY DO I NEVER GET TIRED OF GANGNAM STYLE? It's getting kind of ridiculous. Maybe Psy is a genius.
Stayin' Alive In The Wall (Pink Floyd vs Bee Gees Mashup)
THIS. Disco classic meets prog rock opera. I'm thinking we need a whole album mash-up. Get on it Samantha Ronson! Don't let the Lohan affair be your legacy!
Nirvana vs Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give Your Teen Spirit up
This one is weird...yet some how creepily perfect. I never had teen spirit, yet somehow I relate to never giving it up. Or maybe I just like the mashup. Yeah, screw you teen spirit.
Under the Booty
This is why the internet was invented. To bring booty were it shouldn't be brought. And here I always thought Sebastian was a leg man.HAHAHAHA ZING!
Adele vs Britney - Toxic in the Deep
I actually love both of these songs but would NEVER think to mash them together. But I've been surprised before by the deliciousness of two things I love individually, mashed together. I'm looking at you chocolate chip cookies with potato chips in them!
Live While We Die Young (One Direction/Ke$ha Mashup)
Loving this song makes me wanna die. OF SHAME!
Which one is your favorite? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Nicktoons always make me laugh. When I'm having a bad day, I can always put one on to brighten my day. But maybe instead of laughing at them, we should be trying to get them some help. These cartoons have some serious mental illnesses. If we don't get them some help soon, then they may be too far gone by the time we get around to doing anything. No one wants to watch a cartoon about someone who spends 20 hours a day locked in a padded room. Here are mental diagnoses of Nicktoons.
Doug Funnie - Chronic Hallucinatory Psychosis
Some kids have an active imagination. Doug goes way beyond that. He has full blown hallucinations. Other signs of this disorder are feelings of melancholia and paranoia. Doug definitely has both of those. He's especially paranoid that Roger Klotz is out to get him. He's blown Roger up in to such a villain that most of hallucinations involve an extremely exaggerated version of Roger that Doug has to defeat in order to save the day.
What will happen without treatment?
For now, Doug is still able to tell the difference between his hallucinations and the real world. Suffering from this condition in the long run can eventually lead to delusions of persecution and blurred lines between reality and the hallucinations. That's bad news for Roger since Doug's fantasies all have Roger as the antagonist. The last thing Roger my ever see is Doug standing over him with the underwear on the outside of his pants.
Zim - Grandiose Delusional Disorder
People with grandiose delusional disorder consider themselves to be very powerful and important. This is very often combined with some sort of science fiction element to prove why that are so powerful. So we must ask the question. Is Zim even really an alien? I think he's just some crazy dude that thinks he's a space alien sent to conquer the Earth. If he really was this great invader that he sees himself as, he would have destroyed or conquered the planet by now. Instead, his plans are always foiled for some kind of dumb reason.
What will happen without treatment?
Zim by this point is pretty far gone. He completely lives in the false reality that he has created. He has been mostly harmless up until this point, but one day he's actually going to get around to hurting someone. I just hope I'm not there when one of his plans are finally successful.
Bessie Higgenbottom - Asperger Syndrome
The two main features of Asperger syndrome are being obsessed with only one area of interest and being completely oblivious to how others treat you in social situations. Those also happen to be the two main character traits of Bessie Higgenbottom. She is completely obsessed with gaining merit badges to put on her Honeybee Scouts uniform. Pretty much everyone in The Mighty B dislikes Bessie for how incredibly annoying she is, but she has absolutely no clue despite how openly mean the other characters are to her.
What will happen without treatment?
Bessie is able to function pretty well as a child, but she's going to have a tough time as an adult. People don't really want to talk to the 35 year old that still wears their Honeybee Scouts uniform everywhere they go. It'll be nearly impossible for her to hold any sort of job since she is completely annoying to be around for even a few minutes.
Timmy Turner - Childhood Schizophrenia
There is a big difference between an imaginary friend and a kid with childhood schizophrenia. An imaginary friend is a way for a kid to entertain themselves by fantasizing about a friend that they can go on adventures with. These kids know that their imaginary friends aren't real. Schizophrenics really believe that their imaginary friends are actually real and can impact the world in a real way. Timmy frequently does horrible things to other people, but doesn't realize what he's doing because he thinks that Cosmo and Wanda are doing it.
What will happen without treatment?
Timmy is already seeing Cosmo and Wanda pretty much all the time. The fact that he keeps them a secret is a sign that somewhere in his disturbed mind he must know that there is a problem. Without treatment, Timmy will have more and more problems adjusting to society and will probably find himself living on the street because he won't be able to take care of himself. He'll be living in a dumpster, but at least in his mind, his godparents will make it seem like he lives in a mansion.
Squidward Tentacles - Avoidant Personalty Disorder
People with this disorder don't like to have personal relationships with others. They avoid physical contact and are easily angered when they aren't in control of a situation. Squidward matches this description perfectly. He hates any kind of interaction with other people and really just wants to be left alone all the time.
What will happen without treatment?
As it stands, Squidward rarely leaves his house except to go to work at the Krusty Krab. I think that eventually Squidward will become agoraphobic and be afraid to leave his house ever. One day he'll fall down the stairs and break his leg and not be able to move. Someone will find his body after a few weeks of rotting.
What other Nicktoons belong in an insane asylum? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
How come you’ve never left a theater thinking, “I hope they make six more ‘Prince of Persia’ films!” or “I really believed Steve Buscemi WAS Pac-Man!”? Well, here are a few reasons why video game movies will always win big at the Razzies but never be invited to the Oscars…
Video Games Make You the Star. Movie Versions Pay Someone Else to Star
When you play a video game you feel connected to the main character and his or her story because you ARE the main character. But when that character is played by Mark Wahlberg (or Zack Ward, depending on whether there was an actual budget or a just Craigslist casting ad), you spend the whole time in the theater wanting to push the actor aside and say, “Oh for the love of God just let me handle the drug cartel/zombies/drug cartel zombies!”
Video Game Characters Often Look Like Escaped Asylum Patients in Live Action
On a computer screen you can stare at a chubby little Italian in a red jump suit running around in an effort to do anything but attend to his actual plumbing business and not think twice. But when you see him portrayed in real life you realize the studio would have been much better off if they had just made a nature documentary based on “Duck Hunt,” so long as the hunter missed every single time and that dog stopped making fun of you.
Most Video Games Either Have No Plot or Too Much Plot
Some video game narratives can be summed up in four words—“Kill or hit replay.” Other games have such rich mythologies, convoluted backstories, and so many characters that they make a Tolkien novel reed like a Tweet. The result is either a movie that might as well have just pointed the cameras at a firing range for 90 minutes or something that would need an additional six straight days of running time to adequately recreate the game’s prologue.
You may not know director Uwe Boll by name but you may know—or violently flinch on the mere mention of—some his IMDB listings, including “House of the Dead,” “Alone in the Dark (I and II),” “BloodRayne (I, II, and II),” and a slew of other video game-to-film adaptations so poorly shot, acted, edited, lit, scored, and catered that they have earned him the title “Worst Director in History,” thereby both helping to ruin the game movie genre and making one wish Ed Wood was still alive to have directed “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale” (I, II, II, and possibly IV) instead.
Some Movies Share the Video Game’s Title and Not Much More
Video game movies are rarely made by gamers for the same reason comic book movies are rarely made by fans—few of them are members of Scientology and so don’t have access to the right industry connections. So that means the game adaptations are often handled by people who don’t play games, ending up in movies so removed from their original source material that you’re left wondering why they didn’t simply rename “Final Fantasy: Spirits Within” as “Dead-Eyed CGI Characters Make Us Feel Cold and Scared.”
Not Everything Should Be a Live-Action Movie
”Battleship” (and the threat of a “Candy Land” trilogy) prove it for toys. “Marmaduke,” “Garfield,” and any possible attempt at “Peanuts” that would involve shaving an eight-year-old bald prove it for comic strips. Some things just aren’t meant to be turned into live-action films, film franchises, or the loose definition of the word “film” whenever it’s preceded by the phrase “A SyFy Channel Original.” So maybe it’s best one stops hoping for the definitive “World of Warcraft” movie (now in preproduction) and just pick up a sword and be the star of your own game until you realize it’s three days later and your boss fired you.
Are you a fan of video game movies? Tell us your favorite one in the comments!
CRIMINAL! That was me, calling you what you are. A criminal. Don’t agree? Well you don’t even realize the laws you are breaking, pretty much all the time. It’s okay (kind of), people do it all the time. But which laws, you want to know? WELL HERE THEY ARE: :
I’ll admit, if I’m driving and someone is NOT breaking this law, I honk like crazy at them and lightly tap their bumper with my own until they swerve off the road and their car bursts into flames. I am in jail, by the way.
Did you know there is a law requiring you to essentially be in perpetual motion? That’s right, loitering is simply the act of spending too much time in one place without leaving (your own private property is exempt from this law… FOR NOW!) This law is only really ever enforced when people want unsavory types off their property, like kids hanging around in a food court for too long.
I’ll admit that it pretty much took me researching this article to remember that crosswalks are a thing, and that you can get a ticket if you cross the streets without using one. It really says something about our society when we think things like “The crosswalk is all the way at the end of the street, I don’t want to walk that far just to not potentially be killed by oncoming traffic!”
Have you ever had a job where you got a tip? Well, you probably didn’t then turn around and scream “HEY TAKE MORE OF MY MONEY IN TAXES” at the IRS, and that, my friend, was you committing tax fraud. Not reporting income is against tax law, but is kind of understandable when you consider how miserable most jobs where you get tips are.
Did you know that when you find someone else’s property you’re supposed to turn it into a local government agency, wait a certain amount of time (varies from state to state) while they try to find the real owner, THEN you may keep it? It’s why searching for treasure is so popular, the statute of ownership has passed and you can feel free to keep whatever you find on that sunken boat (mostly water logged wood and bloated corpses, as it turns out…)
You are reading this on the internet, the place with so much piracy it makes Somalia go “Man, that place has a serious piracy problem!” From music, to television, down to things as innocuous seeming as academic papers (read the depressing story of Aaron Swartz for more on that one), pretty much everything you are downloading is someone’s intellectual property, and you are technically stealing it from them.
Oh, I mean, heh, not me, but like… you know, other people… heh DON’T ARREST ME!
How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED HOW’D IT GET BURNED HOW’D IT GET BURNED?! Let us know in the comments!
If you're anything like me, you spend 80-90% of your waking hours rotating in front of a mirror. Many of you dream of one day turning this unique skill into a career in modeling. I am here to crush your stupid dream because it is a hopeless fantasy and modeling is the worst thing you can do with your life. Trust me: you don't want to be a model. Here's why:
Models Are Objects
As a model, your body is a prop that shallow people use to make other people feel bad and then spend too much money on things. The fact that you happen to be a human rather than a posable meat statue is an annoyance. Do you have thoughts and/or opinions? Would you like anything other than your appearance to determine your worth as a person? Then don't be a meat statue.
Models Are Associated With Horrible Stereotypes
There are plenty of strong, thoughtful, independent people who have worked as models at one time or another. But guess what? The second you say, "I'm a model," people will assume that you're a diva with a 3rd grade education who eats nothing but leaves and kills for fun. I'm sorry if this sounds unfair, but that's what happens you wear clothes for a living.
Models Brainwash People
Advertisements with models all show a pretty person being made impossibly happy by a thing. This is ad-speak for, "All the cool & pretty people love the thing we are selling. If you buy our thing you will be like the cool & pretty people." BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! To be totally sure that people buy their thing, they need to say, "If you don't buy our thing, you are not cool or pretty," because an ad is only REALLY effective if everyone who sees it feels like they need to buy the thing or die of shame. In other words: Models are part of a business whose sole purpose is to make people feel inadequate so they'll spend too much on shoes.
OMG, Modeling Is HAAAAARD!
Haha but really, it's incredibly difficult. There are a lot of attractive people out there and ALMOST all of them know how to meat statue. What can you possibly do to stand out? (WARNING: Murdering everyone prettier than you is illegal.)
Being A Model Means You Belong To A System That Kills Young Women, And Later In Life You Might Look Back On Your Part In It With Horror
I know, I know; having a conscience is for suckers. But maybe someday the fact that you made a career out of something that is directly responsible for the astronomical rise in eating disorders will make it hard to sleep. FYI: Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental health disease in America. Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.
You Probably Won't Be A Model
Don't worry too much about the last thing. So many people want to get paid to get their picture taken that, no matter how hard you try, your odds of ever modeling are pretty low. Hey, don't be sad. Look on the bright side: at least now you won't poison the world!
Are you shallow? Let us know in the comments!
Mike Mika's 3 year old daughter began to play Donkey Kong and noticed something was off...
Oddly, it wasn't the fact that a gorilla had climbed to the top of a building under construction and was throwing barrels and fire down at passerby and the only person who was doing anything about it was a crazed plumber who decided to take the law into his own hands.
The Huffington Post reports that Mr. Mika saw how sad his 3-year-old daughter was that she didn't have a girl to play as in the game. Mike tried to explain to her that girls are too weak to jump over barrels, and anyway they be too busy cleaning kitchens to notice that an ape had taken over a construction yard, but she was having none of it. Typical female obstinance.
Yes we can! Rescue that... plumber... from that... monkey?
So Mike basically turned into the computer programmer version of super dad and reprogrammed the entire game to make Pauline, the helpless girl at the top of the tower, the protagonist. Mario, meanwhile, the previously plucky (or horny enough not to be afraid depending on how you look at it) plumber became the damsel in distress at the top of the tower.
An artist's depiction of what the world would look like if women were in charge.
In general it's kind of an awesome idea to have gender options for heroes in video games. That kind of lesson, that boys and girls can both be heroes, and the corollary lesson, that boys and girls can both be helpless whiny victims, seems of extraordinary value for both genders at an early age. Maybe they should make video games that teach boys it's OK to cry too. Then I'd have a lot less idiot male friends who were all sad and didn't know what to do so they just ran around punching things.
Check out Pauline's attempts to save Mario.
Who do you think is physically stronger, a girl or an ape three times her size? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out our least favorite things about making out with Donkey Kong!
Things were so great for the two of you. But then it began to change. They started smiling less. They started sighing more. They started hiding behind furniture whenever you approached. But how do you really know if the next time you two go out is the last time you two will ever be together?
Lack of Eye Contact
When someone can’t look you right in the eye it means one of three things: They’re shy, you’re currently standing in front of an 800-watt bulb and direct eye contact will sear their retinas, or they’re hiding something. And usually what that person is hiding is a secret that will end your relationship—like the fact that looking at you will remind them how they’d rather be in their car…in their garage…with the garage door and car windows closed and the motor running.
Not Laughing at a Single Funny Thing You Say
Laughter is crucial in a relationship because it expresses joy and proves a mutual understanding or at least a connection. Of course, constant laughter may indicate extreme nervousness or a life as a supervillain, especially if they tend to tent their fingers and break into hysterics whenever mentioning “weather control.” But when your date doesn’t laugh at a single thing you say it either means that they’re no longer emotionally involved in the relationship or all of your jokes end with “orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”
Arms, Legs, Maybe Even Lungs Crossed
When someone crosses their arms it shows defensiveness. When someone crosses their arms and legs it shows they are putting a physical and emotional barrier between the two of you. When someone crosses their arms and legs and tucks their head into their chest it shows they want to be as far away from you as possible…or they are entering a cocooning stage and within a few days will emerge a beautiful butterfly right inside a Ruby Tuesdays.
One Word Responses
A relationship is about having an open dialogue. If someone starts responding to your questions or stories with a simple “yes,” “no,” “meh,” or “bye” it means that they no longer want to share their own thoughts and emotions with you. It may also mean you brought a polygraph machine on your date, which would betray a level of trust one usual expects at least during a movie.
Making Love to Their Cell Phone
There are a lot of way someone can indicate they’ve completely checked out of a relationship: Asking the waiter to leave them the menu after ordering so they can have something to read during the date, playing the bongos on the restaurant table while going into hard and fast beats whenever you start talking, or checking their phone every second to email, text, call for someone to pick them up right now, or tweet that they could not be more bored, completely forgetting that you follow them on Twitter.
Shows up Having Already Eaten
Or shows up having already seen the movie you were supposed to watch together. Or shows up with the trophy for the Halloween costume contest you were supposed to enter together. Or just shows up at someone else’s house for the date you were supposed to have together. After all, it’s the little things that really indicate this may be it.
What ares some other isgns it might be over? Let us know in the comments!