Call me un-American, but I'm just not that into watching sweaty men hug. UFC is still a super big deal, though, because other people are American I guess. I say we devote as many resources as possible to making the substantially awesomer Super Smash Bros our new national Fight Sport. Why? Read on...

Powerups Are Legal

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First of all, SSB has mushrooms, flowers, bunny ears, stars, metal cubes, and spicy curry, just to name a few. UFC? Steroids. That's it. Do steroids turn you into a twenty foot tall demigod? No, they turn you into a sad person overcompensating for insecurity. And does the UFC allow even the tiny power boost that comes from using steroids? Well, probably, but they say they don't, so I have to give the edge to SSB here.

Most Fighters Are Fully Clothed

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Fact: there's no rule anywhere saying that you have to wear nothing but silk underwear to fight in the UFC. (Fact #2: I did not research the first fact.) I get it, UFC dudes, you want us to know how sick your abs are. Now put them away and upload pictures you took of yourself in the mirror like everybody else. Super Smash Bros, ever the source of class and decency, at least insists that all of its human characters wear actual clothing. Except for Mr. Game and Watch. That guy's a perv.

No Douchey Spinoff Brand!

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Just look at that freaking logo. I'm pretty sure it was designed so that people would want to punch anyone wearing it. Tapout shirts: telling the world "COME AT ME BRO" so you don't have to.

SSB Characters Can't Die (And Leave You An Emotional Wreck)

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You punks are too young to know who Joe Frazier was, but anyone who knows anything about boxing had to hang up their gloves and weep for a few days when he died in 2011. The guy beat Muhammad Ali! He was the greatest workhorse underdog there ever was!... great, now I'm tearing up. Anyway, no matter how many times you walk Link off a cliff, he'll always show back up in the character select screen. Unlike Smokin' Joe. I need to call my dad.

Kirby: Thief of Power, Destroyer of Worlds

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No UFC fighter could ever hope to defeat Kirby. Wanna kick him? He'll turn into a rock and shatter your foot. Try a grapple? Nope! If you get too close he'll unhinge his monstrous jaws and swallow you whole. Then, after the nightmare of passing through his adorable pink digestive system, Kirby will add insult to injury by beating you with your best move. Don't let the cute looks fool you. Kirby is God's punishment on mankind.

Unlimited Replays

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If you screw up in Super Smash Bros, no worries! Hit restart and try again. If you screw up in the UFC, you will die of a painkiller overdose at 34.

Have you sustained numerous head injuries? Let us know in the comments!

Check out Pokemon Who Could Find Success In UFC!

The rumors are true (there were no rumors)! Cartoon Network revealed yesterday that the Powerpuff Girls are back. A new special will air at some point in 2013, and in accordance with the times, I guess, they will no longer look a little different now than they did when the show went off the air in 2005. They've instead becomes weird, sharp CGI monster versions of themselves.

Ohh, these are the Powerpuff Girls they foretell the end times.
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Despite the new look, the special promises to revive the classic feel of the original show. All the original voice actors will be back, as confirmed yesterday on Twitter by Tara Strong, the voice actress who plays Bubbles. She seems excited to play Bubbles again, but keep in mind, Strong also plays Twilight Sparkle on My Little Ponies, so going back to Bubbles is going to be a relief.

It must be nice to play a role that a bunch of weird dudes don't want to bang.
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The press release announcing the return also revealed that the Powerpuff Girls would be fighting not just to save the city of Townsville, but the entire world, and that the special would feature a new song called "I Wish I Was a Powerpuff Girl" by former Beatle Ringo Starr. Who was the DRUMMER of The Beatles. Saying you got a Beatle to perform a song for your special and then revealing it's Ringo Starr is like saying you're going to meet the president and you show up expecting Barack Obama, but George H.W. Bush is just sitting there. He doesn't know what's going on, and you think to yourself "I GUESS they still call former presidents 'the president' after their term ends" but it's still incredibly disappointing.

I mean, he's not even the best President BUSH.
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But in any event, this is great news! The Powerpuff Girls, one of the best cartoons Cartoon Network has ever made, is coming back! What a golden age of TV revivals we live in! Along with the Powerpuff Girls, we have Arrested Development coming back later this year. Fringe somehow came back for a fifth season this year. And even Futurama is still going on Comedy Central. We have a lot to be thankful for, TV fans. Is it too greedy to hope for a Veronica Mars comeback, too?

It WAS too greedy! And 30 Rock's cancelation is my penance!
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Are you excited to see the Powerpuff Girls again? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Nintendo recently announced that they'll be showing a new 3D Mario game at this year's E3. But since Mario's already covered the Galaxy, and everything is apart of the galaxy, everywhere will be a bit of a rehash. But I believe there are still some places that'll seem fresh in a 3D Mario game. I'll even point them out to you. Here are some places Mario can explore:

Super Mario Mission District, San Francisco

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This would be one of the hardest Mario games, because not only would you have to FIND stars, you'll also have to avoid being punched in the face and having them stolen when you ride the Muni.

Super Mario Parallel Galaxy

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This is basically the same game as Super Mario Galaxy except everything red is now blue. Listen, some parallel galaxies are just like ours except with small, imperceptible changes. Not every alternate universe has hydrogen-powered blenders and alive John F. Kennedys.

Super Mario Arkham City

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As Riddler Trophies have taught us, there are tons of places stars could be hidden in Arkham City. But Mario's never dealt with psychotic clowns or Mr. Freezes before, so things will inherently get a little more frightening. Not frightening in a "Boo's Ghost House" way, but frightening in a "Oh wow the stakes here are really high" kind of way. If Mario can't learn to execute combos with the bone-crunching precision and sternum-stuffing efficiency of The Batman, well, he's already dead.

Super Mario Twitterverse

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Can you imagine Mario navigating the Twitterverse? He'd be running around, hitting @ Replies for power-ups, getting a one-up for every one hundred hashtags he collects, and jumping on the heads of the Twitterverse' most evil villains -- the Sandy Hook truthers.

Super Mario Kenya, His TRUE Birthplace

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OH GREAT. There go Mario's hopes for 2016.

Super Mario Area 51

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It's one thing to explore Jolly Roger Bay. It's another entirely more horrific thing to explore Area 51. Do you honestly think you're going to bring down black ops helicopters by stunned Mechakoopas?

Where do you hope Mario goes in his next game? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 5 Reasons Mario is Actually a Villain!

I’m very over duck face. Contorting your mouth into a beak-like flare does not make you more attractive; it just serves to expose how much you are not Jim Carrey. Where’s the funny face creativity? The world is full of endless Insta-possibilities! I’ll give you a few to get your flashers going.

Hippo Face

Why are ducks the only animals that get selfie attention? Hippos need love, too! Do this as a form of shorthand when you’re texting friends about being hungry! Or if you’d like someone to take you to the ballet! Or if you are eating and can’t be bothered to stop!

Home Alone Face

I would like to see if anyone can accomplish the double-hander. Or how many people break their phones in the process.

Roadkill Face

We deserve more truthful depictions of animals on Instagram. For every cute puppy, let’s have three roadkill representations. Real life is beautiful.

Gollum Face

Because everyone deserves a chance to show off their “MY PRECIOUS” skills. You know you’re doing this at home, in the mirror, every night before you go to bed.

Pure Judgment

We could just call it like it is. You’re mostly there to judge your friends’ attractiveness, social life, and food choices. Let’s see what your face looks like when you’re looking at Instagram!

Darkwing Duck Face

I anticipate it being difficult to wean oneself off duck faces. Perhaps meet your instincts halfway with Darkwing Duck Face? Nostalgia points and excuse to hide chin acne, all in one.

What other faces should we be making more of? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now!

Ah...the English language was, in its time, capable of creating such beauty. For centuries it was masterfully used to enchant our minds with sonnets, inspiring speeches, and dick jokes; now, however, it’s fallen by the wayside in lieu of emoticons like “:)” and “;)”. While emoticons have become the primary way in which we now communicate, they aren’t all that easy to decipher. Because they’re truncated forms of communication, a great deal of subtext is packed into each one – subtext the reader may not notice at first glance. Allow me to help you prepare for the death of English by dissecting and critiquing some of the world’s most befuddling emoticons.

:-)-{8

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According to the slightly shady online emoticon dictionary I visited to research this article, :-)-{8 is supposed to stand for “big girl.” Now, big can mean many things, both emotionally and physically – in this regard, however, I assume it either means “large breasted” or “large bodied”. Given the way obesity rates are rising in this country, I’d place place my money on the latter; it’s safe to assume that when future generations sit around the house, they’ll be sitting around the house, if you know what I’m sayin’.

:-o

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Apparently :-o is meant to express the fact that the person typing it is alarmed. This emoticon lies in contrast to :-O, which is supposed to impart that the person typing it feels a sense of amazement. These particular emoticons appear to be reversed – logic would dictate that the larger the mouth, the greater the horror, but apparently logic has no place on the interwebs. This is a valuable lesson to learn – that the world wide web is a vast, bizarre wasteland of confusion. :)

~:(

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To be ~:( is to be mad – not “mad” as in “insane like a 50’s housewife,” but “mad” as in “totally freakin’ pissed, bro”. If you ask me, the tilde at the beginning of the the emoticon reminds me of stinkiness – looking at it makes me envision a dude who’s pissed ‘cause he reeks like chili dogs. Said stinkiness makes sense – after all, mean people do stink. (You can quote me on that, incidentally.)

=P

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OMG, Stacy, you’re so =P! To be =P is to be, like, silly...imagine a sassy young thing stickin’ her tongue out whilst flashing one of those “Whatever” signs with her well-manicured little fingers. Shut off the part of your brain that makes you associate wagging tongues with inbred dogs and you’ll get it.

>.<

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Folks who feel >.< feel upset – the emoticon people use to represent this emotion, however, looks like the graphic equivalent of someone straining to take a dump. I don’t know how healthy your colon is, but personally I find the two feelings to be interchangeable. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a fiber supplement or eight to take.

( o_o)

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Annoyed by constant inquiries as to your “a/s/l”? Let the 48-year-old man you’re chatting with on AOL know how displeased you are by throwing a ( o_o) into the conversation. I know what you’re thinking – ( o_o) looks like a dead-eyed anime character – but suspend your disbelief enough to pull off this cool-looking diss. Or face continued sexual harassment from a guy who calls himself “WolfHowl48”.

>:D<

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Everyone loves hugs! (Well, everyone who isn’t aphenphosmphobic, that is.) Wanna show that special someone you care...from a distance? Throw a >:D< at ‘em! Apparently this is a great way to throw a “big hug” at whatever lucky soul you luv [sic]. While the emoticon in question may look like a happy person about to be consumed by two rocky peaks of terror, isn’t that what love is anyway?

xD

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OMG, are you ROTFLOLing extremely hard right now? If so, it sounds like you’re xDing; xD, after all, stands for “big laugh.” Ignore the fact that “x” is a common representation of the eyes death and keep on ROTFLOLing!

//0-0\\

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//0-0\\ = John Lennon. OK, that's a pretty good likeness. I have no additional insight to add.

What contributes to the rapidly approaching death of the English language more – emoticons or acronyms like “LOL”? Let me know in the comments!

Check out 6 New Emoticons for 2013!

A lot of video game characters are total bad asses. Look at your Master Chiefs, your Ares, your Bad Dudes (talk about an apt nickname!) It’s a bit of a pre-requisite, really. But some characters aren’t… well, not tough. They just don’t seem suited to the real, day-to-day fisticuffs that average Joe and Jane Lunchpails like us regularly find ourselves engaged in. I play a lot of videogames, and I think I have a pretty good idea of the 7 Video Game Characters That Would not Have Your Back In A Bar Fight:

Tails

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Sure, Tails has an infinite amount of lives (is it really infinite? What if it’s just like six hundred, and no one has the patience to get him killed that many times?) but has he ever accomplished anything useful? Once in a while he might get in a lucky hit during a boss battle, but he’s mostly window dressing.

Frogger

>

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He’s like nine pixels. What’s he able to do?

Cole McGrath

>

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I played inFamous, and I tried to play it as virtuously as possible. But the very nature of Cole’s powers means you’re going to end up taking out a few civilians. And by “a few”, I mean “All people within a twelve foot range of you whenever you engage in combat”. So how I could I possibly trust this guy not to just drop a nuclear level explosion on the bar and wipe everyone out, me included?

Link

>

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While you’re busy fighting off five angry oil rig workers, he’s trying to close a door by hitting a switch with a boomerang. Also, how are you supposed to fight with a fairy flying around going “HEY!”

Dan

>

Dan was created to be the terrible character in Street Fighter. So why would he be any use in real life?

Pac-Man

>

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Sure, Pac-Man would be great in a fight IF he had access to power pills, but what if he doesn’t? Do you really want someone on your side who can’t even take care of a few ghosts on his own? Plus, you know he’d abandon you in a second to go eat some fruit.

Slippy Toad

>

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Let me paint the scene; You’ve got things under control. One of your assailants is unconscious after a well placed elbow to the head. You have the other with his arms pinned behind his back, using him as a shield from the blows his friend is trying to rain down on you. You feel like you have the situation under control, then you hear it: “Whoa! Help me!” And you know all is lost…

Can I borrow a few bucks, times are tight? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These Fighting Games We’d Like To See!

Rockstar announced today that Grand Theft Auto 5 will be released on September 17, and can I just tell you my reaction to that real quick? SNOOOOORE. Grand Theft Auto I get it. A down-on-their-luck street criminal runs around Los Angeles, stealing cars and causing fires and killing hookers? Not only have I seen it before in my real life, but I've seen it before in your games.

Does GTA 5 open with the main character downloading San Andreas off the Playstation Network?
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So look, I'm obviously bored by Grand Theft Auto series and there isn't a lot that could get me interested in it again. Besides this: French gaming website Ecrans asked Rockstar if science fiction might be a route they'd be willing to go, and Rockstar seemed pretty open to it, saying it was "very tempting". And that little quote just sets my imagination on fire. What amazing things could we see from a future-set Grand Theft Auto?

"Niko! It's your cousin! Let's go bowling!"
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Unfortunately, Rockstar went on, saying they don't have any reason to make a potential sci-fi GTA, at least not yet.

"The best science fiction stories are those that speak about the human condition," Rockstar told Ecrans. "So while this idea is very tempting and, by definition, anything's possible in a video game, we lack the essential thing for the moment: a good reason."

As if the fact that the future is just the goddamn RADDEST isn't a reason.
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And while I certainly would love to see some new life in the Grand Theft Auto franchise, would a future-set Grand Theft Auto really be the right move for the series?

That all depends on how killable the space hookers are.
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Do you want to see the new GTA set in a science fiction tomorrowland? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

The Assassin's Creed games take place in a world where the story of Christianity is literally true-- Eden was an actual place, and lots of other stuff ripped off the DaVinci Code. This means the Assassins should probably follow the Ten Commandments if they want to avoid the wrath of an angry god. But what would this look like? Read on...

NO MORE MURDER :(

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6. Thou shalt not kill.

Rats! Killing people is the whole POINT of being an assassin. Some modern types say this commandment should translate to "murder" instead of "kill," making war and execution A-OKAY. So it isn't as bad as it looks. This does mean that they can't just go around killing random people, though, which is half the fun of the game.

Assassination Vacations

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4. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

"Assassin" is generally an on-call type of job. If someone needs to get killed, the boss doesn't care about your day off-- you've got assassinating to do. Not in the Ten Commandments version of Assassin's Creed. Is your only shot at killing an evil Templar when he makes a speech on Sunday? Too bad. Sunday is chillaxin' day.

Honestssassination

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9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

"I cannot tell a lie: I did sneak up behind that Templar guard and slit his throat." That's what an Assassin would say in court if he were ever picked up for one of his heinous crimes. Why? Because God said so. Kill and kill away, just be honest about it.

WWJD?

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1. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

Personal religion isn't the HUGEST deal in the Assassin's Creed universe. But it is in the Bible. Believing exclusively in the Judeo-Christian god is the #1 commandment! The most important one! Luckily, this is pretty easy to do. The only change is that all the Assassins would have to wear What Would Jesus Do bracelets.

Rape And Slavery Are Just Dandy!

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HTTP 404: Commandment not found

I'm not saying the Assassins would start raping and enslaving people. I'm just saying that they could do so without breaking the Ten Commandments, because they don't say anything about rape or slavery. (This may have something to do with the fact that back in the Ten Commandments days rape and slavery were the two most popular sports.)

Happy Mother's Day!

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5. Honour thy father and thy mother.

No matter how many people you've killed, nobody warms your heart like Mom & Dad. <3 <3 <3.

Did your parents tell you to stop reading this site because of this article? Let us know in the comments!

Check out Assassin's Creed IRL!

Why are movies about gamers usually so bad? There have been a few good examples such as The Last Starfighter, but most of the time the result is pretty much unwatchable. I think the reason is that games are fun to play, not fun to watch. If I wanted to watch a game being played while I sit around bored, I'd get in a time machine and go hang out with my older brother when the N64 just came out. No movie could ever capture that feeling you get when you finally beat a really hard monster or discover a hidden area that was right in front of you the whole time. Here are the worst movies about gamers.

Gamer

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This is a classically bad "what if games were real" kind of movie. I'm pretty sure it was written by a middle schooler. In it, players control death row inmates who battle each other to the death. In this world, death row inmates are set free if they manage to win thirty games in a row. That doesn't really seem like a good way to decide on which violent criminals to let loose back in to society. It then turns out that SPOILER ALERT the guy who invented mind control is actually a bad guy. This was made by the dudes who made the Crank movies so I had pretty high hopes for it. I think the only way someone could enjoy this is to have their mind taken over.

The Dungeonmaster

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This movie is terrible for a lot of different reasons. First, it was directed by 7 different people. That's a pretty clear sign that you're in for some garbage. It's about a computer programmer who gets transported to another dimension by an evil sorcerer played by Bull from Night Court who wants to use his magic to defeat technology. The hero gets transported to a bunch of different realms where he has to shoot monsters with lasers. Calling this a rip off of Tron would be giving this film way too much credit. Also, for heavy metal fans, there is an appearance by the band W.A.S.P. for no particular reason.

The Bishop Of Battle (Nightmares)

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This is a short film that was part of the horror anthology Nightmares that featured such terrifying monsters as a giant rat and a possessed Chevrolet. The Bishop Of Battle is about a kid played by Emilio Estevez who breaks in to an arcade late at night to finally get the the last stage of a really hard game. As it turns out, the game is EVIL! Oh, no! The monsters start flying out of the game and attacking him in the real world. He eventually gets sucked in to the game and trapped inside it permanently. Supposedly, the special effects in this scene nearly bankrupted the film. I kind of wish it had.

Mazes and Monsters

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This movie is a great example of how stupid someone can look when they don't understand something and it makes them frightened. It is supposedly based on a true story, but is in fact based on an example of terrible journalism surrounding the disappearance of a Michigan teen. The movie makes it seem like if you play Dungeons and Dragons then you will go crazy and want to hurt yourself or others. It became a popular excuse by parents for why they wouldn't let their kids play Dungeons and Dragons. The only redeeming quality of this film is that it starred Tom Hanks in his first big role. So I guess without this we wouldn't have Sleepless In Seattle. I don't think I could live without Sleepless In Seattle.

The Lawnmower Man

This movie was so bad that Stephen King sued to have his name taken off of it. It's about a simple minded gardener who gains great intelligence and eventually telekinetic powers by playing some virtual reality games. The CGI scenes were awesome when it came out, but are pretty hilarious by today's standards. It might have one of the worst sex scenes ever in a movie so that's at least one thing that the director can be proud of. That's probably why he got selected to direct the prestigious Highlander 5.

WarGames: The Dead Code

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The original WarGames is great. It's the story a kid who stumbles upon a nuclear missile simulator on a government computer and thinks that it's a secret new video game. Part of the reason it worked so well was that in 1982, video games weren't as much a part of the mainstream as they are now. This one didn't work because it made absolutely no sense. In WarGames 2, the government runs some sort of gambling site where you bet on terrorist attacks. They use this site to try to find new terrorists. It ends with the government computer going through simulations and deciding that war is bad. It's an exact rip off of the ending to the original movie. The worst part about this movie is that they advertised it by posting advertisements on the walls of various levels of Counter-Strike on the Steam servers. I would often find myself staring at them and wondering why an ad for a modern movie would be posted in an Aztec temple right before getting AWPed for the 20th time in a row.

The Wizard

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I know I might get a lot of hate for this, but hear me out. I remembered this movie fondly too. It had the first appearance of the Nintendo Power Glove. After I watched it as an adult, I realized that this movie was just as crappy as the Nintendo Power Glove. It's not even fun to watch in a so bad it's good kind of way. It's just a long advertisement for Nintendo and Universal Studios. Instead of giving this a watch, just go look up gameplay videos on Youtube. That is a much better way to spend an hour and a half.

Which movie do you think is the worst? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out Worst Cartoons Based On Video Games!

Some world records are impressive, like world's farthest field goal kick, while some are horrific, like the world's fattest baby. Although, the worst part about him is that he's also the world's meanest baby. And the dumbest.

Anyhow, the strange person we're going to look at, for my money, falls into the latter camp — Francisco Domingo Joaquim has the world's biggest mouth. And this also makes him the world's deadliest predator.

This man could straight up eat me.
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So how big is the world's biggest mouth? 17 centimeters wide is the answer — almost 4 inches — as recorded by the Guinness Book of World Records. Joaquim says it's his "dream come true" to be in the record book, but is only ONE world record enough? He's got the biggest mouth in the world! Let's go A to C here — what other records can he break? I imagine it wouldn't be difficult for Joaquim to also locking up the "most people simultaneously made out with" world record.

He can just throw his lips over a college campus like a collapsed orientation tent.
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The Guinness Book of World Records found Joaquim in his hometown of Angola after watching his videos on YouTube. Which leads me to ask — is Guinness scouring YouTube for potential world record holders? Because, for real, my Resident Evil 2 speed run has been up for YEARS and I haven't received a call.

Come on! 1 hour 21 minutes on Claire A! Guinness world records GET AT ME. Capcom GET AT ME.
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If you don't believe this guy's mouth is real — and who could blame you, it looks Photoshopped — you can check him out in action in the video below. He's going to stretch those lips WELL past the limits of human endurance, so be warned. Also, this video is not safe for those made uncomfortable by human gums. That of course shouldn't be an issue, because that is not a thing people are made uncomfortable by:

If you had the world's biggest mouth, what would you put in it? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

It’s never easy or pleasant breaking bad news to someone. But with a little ingenuity and a great deal of focus more on your awkwardness than the other person’s reaction, you can use the following times to better get the message across...

As You Are Leaving

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Reason: Sure, revealing bad news just as you’re heading out the door—perhaps with leftovers—is beyond cowardly and reprehensible. But it does save you from dealing with the resulting emotions or having to answer any follow-up questions, many of which can be answered with “It was my fault.”

Potential Problem: There’s always the chance you left something behind, at which point you’ll have to sheepishly re-enter the room, mumbling, "Sorry… for interrupting your sobbing… and, you know, the other thing… that caused your sobbing."

Dancing at a Club

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Reason: You can feel satisfied that you actually delivered the bad news with almost no fear that the other person ever heard what you said, given that they were screaming “WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?” the whole time while happily doing shots.

Potential Problem: You never know at what point the music may cut out, leaving you screaming some horrible piece of information as you continue to dance holding two drinks and what may be someone else’s top.

During a Funeral

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Reason: Not only will the other person already be sad, but common decency dictates they can’t cry over their own problems when mourning the passing of someone, putting you in the emotional clear.

Potential Problem: Saying, "I know your uncle passed away but you need to know we’re no longer a couple and I’m bringing my new girlfriend to the wake" could result in a second coffin.

While Riding a Rollercoaster

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Reason: Perfect place to deliver bad news without ever having to know if the other person is screaming over what you just said, over the three loops the rollercoaster just did, or over the obvious creaking and swaying of the tracks on every single turn.

Potential Problem: Person will probably still be screaming when the rollercoaster has come to a complete stop, when you lead them through the amusement park while startled children stare, and when you drop them off at the park’s nurse’s office, saying, "I’ll be back for him in a few hours, I still have like 12 tickets left to use."

While In a Convertible

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Reason: You should never deliver bad news while in a car, bus, train, or even an elevator because you don’t know how long you might be trapped inside with the other person. But with a convertible you can simply relay the information and then leap out of the moving vehicle, hopefully onto some dirt or maybe into another convertible going in the opposite direction.

Potential Problem: If you don’t time your jump just right you may find yourself rolling in front of a speeding gasoline truck, off an overpass or mountainside, or only three feet from where the driver just parked.

Never

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Reason: Nothing solves a problem like never addressing a problem, a solution that has consistently worked throughout history, sometimes for up to three whole minutes.

Potential Problem: Eventually the person will find out about the bad news because people always find out such things. Then when they learn that you—their dearest friend—knew about it six months ago (especially since it was your fault to begin with), all you’ll be able to do is look down at the ground, gently kick a pebble, and say, "Well, it’s your fault for never being on a rollercoaster, in a convertible, or at a club."

How do you give out bad news? Let us know in the comments below!

Check Out Best of the 'Bad Luck Brian' Meme! !

I'm kind of tired of people blaming video games all the time for ruining our society. Video games rule. I don't know about you, but there is nothing in the world that makes me happier than beating a game that I love. People always get mad at video games because they just don't understand them. I think that video games have brought a ton of good in to the world. Here are ways that video games have saved our society.

Crime Is Lower

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I know that when I was a kid, I pretty much only got in to trouble when I was bored. I was usually bored because my mom was making me go outside instead of playing video games. Video games provide really fun and cheap entertainment that definitely keeps people indoors. It's a fact that crime has dropped significantly since the 1990's. That's right about the time that home video game systems started getting awesome. Why would you go out and steal cars and go to jail when you can just stay at home and steal cars and eat some Doritos?

Video Games Make Tons Of Jobs

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Video games are a huge industry. They make more profits than the movie and music industries combined. One estimate I saw for 2012 said that it was a $70 billion dollar industry last year. An industry that big needs a ton of highly skilled people to fill those jobs. If video games weren't as popular as they were, just think about how worse off we would be economically right now. The unemployment rate would be insanely high. I'm hoping that one day video games will be so popular that we will just be able to use them as currency instead of paying for things with money.

Video Games Turned Everyone In To Nerds

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If you can believe it, there was a time when nerds weren't cool. I know that may come as a shock, but long, long ago, you could be beaten up because people knew that you loved video games. Nowadays, everyone plays video games. The video game craze is at the forefront of nerding up our entire society. More nerds means more people in technical fields. That means more innovation. THAT MEANS WE'RE GOING TO FINALLY GET JETPACKS, YOU GUYS!

Greatest Medium For Storytelling Ever Created

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At it's core, all entertainment is some sort of storytelling. After thousands and thousands of years, we have finally achieved that greatest way to tell a story that has ever been. When video games are at their best, they completely immerse you in the universe that you are playing in. Would you rather have someone tell you a story and try to picture it in your mind or play the story as it happens? I'm just glad I don't have to use my imagination anymore. My brain doesn't have full HD.

Video Games Will Teach You Stuff

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When I was in elementary school, I played games like Number Munchers and Oregon Trail pretty much everyday. I didn't think I'd ever need those skills, but you'd be surprised at how often I've had to ford a river while quickly doing addition problems on a grid. I never would have known how to do that that without playing those games. I bet kids these days have even better educational games than I did when I was a kid. Of course, knowing public schools, they probably are using the same computers that I did.

Playing Games Makes Your Brain Good

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It has long been known that video games help improve things like vision and motor skills. New research has shown that video games also help to keep you sharp as you start to age. That's pretty important since we're all probably going to be immortal once they figure out how to mix our DNA with jellyfish DNA. It would really suck to live forever and not be able to appreciate how awesome living in the future is.

They Help You Make Friends

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I don't care who you are. If you're in to video games, then we at least have one thing that we can bond over. I've made tons of friends from a night of playing Street Fighter or Halo that I would never have gotten to know without video games. It's not just real world friends. I've made tons of friends all over the world just because we are in to playing the same type of games on-line. Some people have even fallen in love through video games and gotten real life married in game. That's why I'm planning on getting married one day in Minecraft. It might be a hard sell for most girls, but the right girl would definitely appreciate that I built her an entire island made out of diamond.

Playing Games Are Better Than Taking Drugs

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Some patients with chronic pain have been able to better manage that pain while in a virtual reality environment versus traditional drug therapy. Of course, this isn't going to work for everybody. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't work for me since my chronic pain comes from all of the blisters on my hands from playing video games all day long.

What other ways have video games saved society? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out 15 Hilarious Retro Video Game Commercials!

Celebs they're just like us! They were kind of nerdy in high school! But I think we all know that band geeks are actually the coolest kids in HS. I mean it takes cajones to wear that dorky outfit while playing the tuba. At least that's what I always told myself when I cried into my pillow every night as a teen. Here's a looksie at 10 celebrities who were high school band geeks!

Lil Wayne

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Instrument-percussion

Don't you just wanna go back in time and give lil Dwayne Carter a hug? It's kind of hard to believe that this sweet little boy grew up to tattoo the work 'Baked' on his face. That's hella more embarrassing than being a geeky band kid.

Jennifer Garner

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Instrument- saxophone

She's still awesomely dorky, so I'm not at all surprised that she was once probably unabashedly grooving to a marching band arrangement of 'Thriller'.  Take note Anne Hathaway, Garner does beautiful girl with gawky awkward charm right!

Bill Clinton

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Instrument- saxophone

More like sex-ophone! HAHAHAHA, I kill me. Sorry. I do awkward charm wrong too.

Julia Roberts

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Instrument- clarinet

It might be surprising to think of this pretty woman as a band geek, but then you see a pic of her old hair and it all makes sense. I kid, I kid, eat pray love and all that good stuff. Namaste, Julia. 

Tommy Lee

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Instrument- Drums

From the Royal Oak High School Marching Band to Motley Crue. Not bad. Who says band geeks can't grow up to star in their very own infamous sex tape? I say so. Sorry band geeks, that has a one in a kajillion chance of happening again.

Eva Longoria

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Instrument- clarinet

I kind of hate her for still looking so damn cute in that hideous band uniform.  I have a feeling Longoria had every dude in the band friendzoned.

Kurt Cobain

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Instrument- drums

I love that the composer of 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' actually had to at one time in his life amp up the crowd at a big game. Thank goodness he had all that teen angst build up, because I think we all know pain and suffering create the best music. Maybe I'll like the Biebers and 1Ds of the world more when they suffer some trauma and disappointments in their lives. 

Gwen Stefani

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Instrument- flute/piccolo

Gwen faked her way into the band by pretending she could play the flute. She confessed in an interview that although she was desperate to join the band, she spent most of the time making out with her boyfriend in the band room. Geeking out and making out don't usually go together. Touche Gwen, touche.

Trent Reznor

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Instrument- Saxophone

Sure, now Trent Reznor is all badass Oscar-winning music god. But has his hair really improved much? He pretty grew up to be Emo Dad.

Ke$ha

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Instrument- trumpet and saxophone

Ke$ha has actual musical training!?!  I'm autotuning that fact to make it more palatable.

Are you surprised by any of these? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out The Very Best Marching Band Covers!

Ahoy hoy Smosh lovers, welcome to the good ship TV ‘shipped couples. Here, “will they or wont they” meets “no they never ever will, stop writing us letters CHARLEY.” For those who don’t know, ‘shipping is when an audience is rooting for a relationship to blossom between characters who might not necessarily ever make-it on the show. Some can be slash (same sex) and others just extremely unlikely but all are the stuff that tumblrs are made of.

Mulder and Scully, X-Files

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The Zero Dark Nerdy (high five!) of fanshipped couples, Mulder and Scully will always be one of television’s best duos. Back in the day many fans did not want to see the two become romantic, but the powerful chemistry between Duchovney and Anderson were too much for the writer’s to resist. I want to believe, they’re boning in real life too.

Kaylee and Dr. Simon Tam

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To be fair, I’m not sure if I wanted Kaylee to end up with Simon because she should or just because she really, really wanted to bang him out. Whatever makes her happy and gets him shirtless is fine by me though. Aim to misbehave indeed.

Tara and Pam, True Blood

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Tara is the worst. But, as this season proved, Tara is less the worst when she’s with everyone’s favorite sassy vampire aunt Pam.

Spike and Buffy, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

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There are two types of Buffy watchers, the Angel shippers and the Spike shippers. But only the latter are correct. Angel was a foregone conclusion. Sure, when he was bad he was very bad and their relationship got interesting. But with Spike you had an entire series worth of revulsion, longing, accents, missteps, hot love making and then true love through sacrifice. Choosey choosers choose Spike for shipmate number one.

Marceline and Finn, Adventure Time

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Flame Princess Shlame Princess. Finn and Marceline would be a creative, rough and tumble couple that can go from seeing a movie to a rockin’ quest.

Jess and Nick, New Girl

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I mean, clearly it’s only a matter of time. But it’s still pretty impressive that in this day and age of romantic comedy cynicism a show can make you really root for the obvious in such a sincerely likeable way. Plus (SPOILER) that kiss from Tuesday night? Zowie! Am I right?

Sansa and The Hound, Game Of Thrones

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Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the traumatized, hyperviolent, sociopath and burn victim with a heart of gold, beast. Don’t tell me if this actually happens in the books, I’m only on book 3. I mean it, I will end you with so much sadface and whimpering.

Derek and Stiles (Sterek), Teen Wolf

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And now, the slash fiction portion of our show. Sterek will probably remain as an in joke and bath time fantasy but it’s so popular the show is now acknowledging its existence in interviews. Expect more fan service this coming season.

Veronica and Logan, Veronica Mars

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Proof that there is something to the irresistible quality of the, “bad boy.” Veronica, the plucky investigator with the sass mouth, could have gone for anyone. But with Logan the sparks were undeniable. Sadly, the ratings were not.

The Doctor and His TARDIS, Doctor Who

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Not Rose (she has 10.5) or River (though married) or Amy (for a second) or Martha (0 to Mickeytown) or (probably) Oswin will ever get The Doctor to commit to them. Not when his true and Sexy love is very much in his life. Thanks to Neil Gaimen we now know what a coupling between Time Lord and TARDIS would look like and it’s, I’m looking for a word. A big, complicated world: destiny.

Sherlock and Lady Edith, Sherlock and Downton Abbey

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Sure, they’re not in the same show, let alone century, but Lady Edith could use something brilliant to mend her heart. Who better than a Cumberbatch of brilliant like Sherlock Holmes?

TV is full of iconic shipped couples, which ones were you hoping to see on this list? If one of you says the couple from Cheers either we need to call Chris Hansen or you’re up way too late on a weeknight. Either way, let us know in the comments!

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and tv characters will ship you and your crush!

Check Out 12 Oddest Celebrity Couples!

If you're like me, you have absolutely no interest in watching the Super Bowl. It's a bunch of jocks beating each other senseless for screaming masses of morons. Year after year, I find myself watching it with friends just because there is nothing else to do. It's time to break the cycle. There are tons of fun things to do during the Super Bowl. You just have to try a little bit to find them. Here are things to do instead of watching the Super Bowl.

Watch The Puppy Bowl

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The Puppy Bowl might be the greatest televised event in the history of television. It's a way for people who aren't in to sports to still hang out on Super Bowl Sunday and eat everything gross that you possibly fit in your mouth. The only thing that I don't like about the Puppy Bowl is that it only happens once a year. To get in the Super Bowl, teams have to compete al year and then win the playoff tournament. How are these puppies even being selected for the Puppy Bowl? They must not be televising all of the other Puppy Games that happen. Our lives could never get worse from watching more puppies, kitties, hamsters, and this years newest addition the hedgehog cheerleaders. Oh la la!

Pretend The Apocalypse Happened

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If your town is anything like my town, the streets will be totally empty. This is your chance to wander around and pretend that the apocalypse happened and you're the only person on the planet. I've always wanted an excuse to scream at a statue, "You maniacs! You blew it up!" It's fun to pretend, but make sure you don't get overzealous and start looting because this apocalypse is only going to happen until the game is over and you will go to a very real jail.

Sit In The Corner And Play Your Virtual Boy

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So you tried to get out of watching the game, but you're stuck at a Super Bowl party anyway. If you think this might happen, you've got to plan ahead. Bring your virtual boy and sit in the corner and play that the entire day. You won't have to see or listen to anything that happens during the game, plus since you're at the party you can still eat all of the tasty snacks. Virtual Boys do cause headaches if you play them for too long. That's why you should bring a blindfold and earplugs to wear between play sessions. You wouldn't want to accidentally see some football.

Sew A Superhero Costume For Your Cat

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You may ask me, "Wy would I sew a superhero costume for my cat?" And my answer is how do you know that your cat isn't a superhero. Maybe it was bitten by a radioactive flea and has super flea agility. The only thing stopping your cat is a lack of thumbs to create a proper superhero costume. Your cat is very considerate of you and doesn't want to go out and fight crime because they're worried what would happen to you if criminals found out their real identity. It's your duty and an upstanding citizen of planet Earth to make this cat costume so your cat can save us all.

Go See A Bunch Of Movies

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The Oscar nominations came out a little while ago. How many have you seen? It's time to play catch up. Super Bowl Sunday is a great day to see movies because the theater is going to be pretty much empty. You could probably get away with watching a movie naked. Please don't do that though if for no one else than the hard working theater employee who may stumble upon you.

Invent Your Own Sport

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Instead of sitting around all day, why not get out and get active. You could always invent your own sport. If you're worried that no one will want to play, go to a trophy shop and get a trophy made. It's pretty cheap and people get really competitive when a trophy is involved. What kind of sport are you going to invent? I'd like to recommend combing two sports like tandem sky diving and Rubik's Cubes. Think outside the ball!

Catch Up On Smosh

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Have you seen every video Smosh has made? You've probably seen all of the main videos, but there's a lot of awesome stuff by Smosh that you haven't seen. I'm not even totally sure how many Youtube Channels we have because there are so many. You have pretty much an entire day free so why not do something good for your brain by letting us inside. A good place to start is by watching all of the Shup Up! Cartoons. My favorite is Oishi High School Battle.

What are you going to do on Superbowl Sunday? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out Very Best Of FMyLife: Football Edition!

Stickam was the originator. It was the first live-streaming content video web site. That wasn't porn."

Stickam was not porn. And now it's closing. Karma?
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Cheezburger reported the death of stickam. The site that brought us such classic times as seeing a naked guy play guitar and watching teenagers try too hard.

Case in point.
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Suspicions about as to why Stickam is over. The likeliest cause is either the proliferation of competing websites like Livestream, Youtube live, and Ustream; or the fact that almost every single human on the website is almost totally unwatchable.

F*ck this guy.
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What will we do now that we don't have Stickam in our lives? Where will pedophiles go to find soft core? Will the world miss having this guy live stream:

The answer? Probably, yes.
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Where will you go to flash people watching you livestream now? Let us know in the comments below!

Annoying characters are hard to do. There's  a fine line between funny annoying and just f*%king annoying. Now luckily, most of these characters are usually relegated to supporting roles, but some of them are so terrible that they really can almost ruin a good show.  Here's a look at 8 of the most irritating animated characters ever to show up in otherwise good shows!

Pearl Krabs-- Spongebob Squarepants

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I find this show amusing, but you have to admit, almost every character on it is kind of annoying... in a good way. Except for Pearl Krabs. She is nothing but a whiney, spoiled brat. Just hearing her voice makes me want to stick a rag in her  blowhole. Supposedly she is the archetypical teenage girl, but if I were still a teenage girl I would be POd by that notion. That is totally not coral.  

Elmyra--Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain

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Pinky and The Brain was a good show. And then some dumbasses decide to retool the premise by adding Elmyra Duff, a girl who embodies every single thing that people find annoying about children. I think The Brain's face says it all in the above photo.  Someone needs to hug her and kiss her and love her. I'm thinking Lennie from Of Mice and Men would be good for the job.

Dil Pickles-- Rugrats

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Dil Pickles is widely regarded as The Scrappy Doo of the Rugrats. Annoying, useless and basically brought on the show just in time to help that shark jump. It wasn't like he did anything particularly bad but he somehow still managed to inspire near universal loathing. As one internet commentor put it ' I ABSOLUTELY F*&KING HATED THIS LITTLE DROOLING SH*TBAG WHEN I WAS A KID. I don't know why, but that kind of inexplicable rage cracks me up. I mean, only when it's directed at an animated baby, not like a real baby. 

Dee Dee--Dexter's Laboratory

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Yes. She's the supposed to be the annoying ditzy sister, but Dee Dee asking 'What does this button do?' got old fast. GTFO Dee Dee!! And that voice.UGH.  It's worse than Ke$ha, nails on a chalkboard and a Bieber fart combined. I heard Skrillex was sampling her in his next song.

Poof--The Fairly Oddparents

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Another friggin baby character. Just stop with the baby characters brought on to give an ailing cartoon a boost,  cartoon makers. You know it's a very common trope now. Do you think you're the one who's gonna make the successful baby character? You are not. See Poof. He almost single-handedly ruined this show with his uncontrollable baby magic. Poof, there it is.

Lisa Simpson--The Simpsons

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Golly gee, I hate putting Lisa on this list. I really, really, wanna like her. I do. If only she was smidge less self-righteous nag. Gurllll....don't be so preachy! She's kind of like every vegan, gluten-free, activist ball buster I'm Facebook friends with. I love them. I even agree with them sometimes. But if they post one more damned abused animal photo on my feed, Imma have to hide them. Sometimes I just need a little break from Lisa. 

Sarah-- Ed, Edd and Eddy

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Loud-mouthed, spoiled, bossy, bratty, tattle-tale.  There is not ONE nice adjective you can use to describe Sarah. Hey wait a minute...I just noticed that this list is mostly female characters. This just proves that we need more females in the writer's room. DM me on Twitter, boys in charge of cartoon writing!

Snarf--Thundercats

Very interesting that in the 2011 reboot, Lion-O's loyal pussycat pretty much no longer speaks. I love kitties, but I wanted Snarf snuffed. Luckily he didn't have to die. He just had to get a super-cute makeover. 

What cartoon character do you hate the most? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 8 Naughty Jokes On Dexter's Laboratory That You Probably Didn't Get As A Child!

I've been playing video games my whole life and I've never done ANYTHING violent. Honestly, not a SINGLE violent thing, even when violence was CLEARLY warranted. For example, there was the time that guy in a bar broke a beer bottle over my head, or the time I went to war. But I could be an edge case — while I certainly put in my time on Super Nintendo, I also stayed away from a lot of the more potent violence triggers in American society. Here are 7 things that make people WAY more violent than video games ever could.

Your next door neighbor whose dog barks all the time

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I swear to God if those dogs don't stop distracting me from playing Halo I'm going to go over there and perform a RUNNING RIOT.

("RUNNING RIOT" is what I call it when I have a reasonable discussion with someone who I feel is being inconsiderate)

The cancelation of science fiction shows before they reach their conclusions

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I was as surprised as anyone to learn that the early cancelation of Firefly made George W. Bush so angry he started one of the most violent acts of our time, the Iraq war.

Sensationalist magazine headlines

No America is NOT turning European, The Economist! Simply delaying the admittedly overdue revenue increases and tax code adjustments does NOT mean America is likely to face an debt-crisis like the one currently endangering Europe since their switch to a single currency! DUH. UGH, this makes me so angry I've gotta go play some Devil May Cry to cool down!

Rock n' roll music

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Today, over 60 years since the United States senate went after rock and roll music for subverting the youth of our nation and dragging them down to new levels of moral depravity, we can look back and say, yes, they were pretty much right. WAY more people have been punched in the face during rock concerts than at Super Smash Bros. tournaments.

LEGOS! LEGOS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

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GODDAMN IT I SOMEHOW STEPPED ON EVERY SINGLE ONE. LEGOS ARE SO SHARP! WHO DESIGNED THESE THINGS? A RAZOR BLADE COMPANY? THE DEVIL?!

People who haven't decided what they're going to get at Chipotle by the time they get to the front of the line

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What were these people doing their entire time in the Chipotle line? Thinking about outer space and sticking their finger up their butt? If you get up to the front of the line at Chipotle and utter even a single "umm", know that I will be killing you and wearing your skin as a beach towel.

Your iTunes library

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Why do all these songs sound the same? What are these thousands of untitled tracks at the bottom here? How did I end up with so goddamn many Magnetic Fields songs on here? JESUS F*CK I AM DELETING ALL OF THIS GARBAGE AND PUTTING SOME CATS IN THE MICROWAVE.

Whoa, got a little carried away there. But check it out, my sixteen daily hours of Call of Duty has never made me so angry I threatened to put cats in a microwave! Although, I don't remember getting this angry BEFORE I started playing Call of Duty fourteen hours a day. Ha ha, anyhow, video games are harmless!

What makes you more violent than video games? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 8 Ways Video Games Have Saved Our Society!

They’re never been the stars. They’ve never gotten their due. They almost never say a single word. But thanks to a court order demanding complete access to their phone records, we now finally get to see what’s on the minds of video games’ minor characters…

Background Citizen, "Grand Theft Auto"

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Texts:“How can a city have 6 hookers for every guy? What kid of economic model is that?” “Well, looks like another one of my favorite restaurants was shot up.” “Great. Got run over again. Insurance company is so gonna drop me.” “Beginning to feel a lot of nasty stuff was done inside my stolen Geo.”

Villager, "Legend of Zelda"

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Texts:“Funny, had no idea we could text in olden times. Oh crap, that mute elf just showed up.” “Got rid of elf by sending him on an errand that took FOREVER to explain.” “Elf not back yet. Should have known there’d be trouble when he walked into tree.” “Funny how when elf isn’t here it feels like I don’t even exist.”

Goomba, "Super Mario World"

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Texts:“Eww! Mario had sh*t on his shoe when he stepped on me.” “Man, I hope all of these aren’t sewage pipes.” “Wait, floating boxes have money inside?!” “Are we shitake? I feel like we’re shitake mushrooms.” “Even I know there’s no honor in dying by my hand.”

Tourist, "Wii Sports Resort"

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Texts:“Paid all this money and it seems like only two people get to do all the activities.” “I fear there isn’t a single bar on this entire island.” “Wait, is Wuhu Island where they did all those nuclear bomb tests in the 50’s?” “Lots of focus on swordplay and archery for an island resort. Oh God, they’re training us to kill each other for their amusement, aren’t they?”

Audience Member, "Mortal Kombat"

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Texts:“Gotta say, not how I thought I’d spend my afternoons as a monk.” “RIPPED HIS FREAKING SPINE OUT!!! God, wish I was quicker with the phone’s camera.” “Guess everybody thought this seemed like a nice day for the orange sash look.” “Should we be cheering? I feel like we should be cheering. Or crying. Or blinking.”

War Correspondent, "Halo"

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Texts:“AAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!!!” “OHNYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!” “WHAT THE F*** ARE THOSE THINGS?! RELIGIOUS LIZARD SOLDIERS?!” “I bet I get an Emmy for my reporting.”

Are there any background characters you wonder about? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out 24 Hilarious Examples Of Video Game Logic!

More often than not axe murderers tend to not be the coolest guys.

Typical axe murderers are often uncool.
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The good folks at Know Your Meme have a video that shows us some axe murderers are not so bad after all. Specifically Kai, the rasta-hippie surfer hobo from South Carolina who just happened to be traveling through town hitch-hiking one night when it became obvious that someone needed to get axe murdered. And who was brave enough to pick up that axe and do the right thing? Motherf*cking Kai, that's who.

Rasta Hippies are the real super heroes.
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The guy Kai was hitch-hiking with was an insane rich white dude. One of those overweight capitalists that thinks having a bunch of money gives him total impunity. He told Kai a crazy story about what he was able to do with money and a 14 year old girl is some tin can third world country, began to weep, then said he was Jesus and he could do anything and slammed his car into a pedestrian. He then got out of the car, saw two girls talking, ran over to them and grabbed one of the girls. Well, I'll tell you what, Kai was hella over that.

Axe murder solves most of life's major problems. From stopping an assault to speeding up the service at a fast food restaurant.
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Kai did what any happy-go-lucky homeless hippie surfer bum would do, he grabbed his hatchet hit the man in the skull. The girl was saved, Kai could move on looking for sweet surf spots, and all was right with the world. I don't know what Kai stands for in surfer speak, but in my dictionary, it stands for hero. Axe axe-wielding hero.

What situations do you plan to use an axe to solve? Let us know in the comments below!