Mom and Dad are fighting again. SURPRISE SURPRISE. They basically do nothing BUT fight. You'd think their love for me would bind them together, right? Like how me and my best friend are only best friends because we both really like Pokemon. And sports! But anyhow, right now my parents are fighting, and instead of listening to them and thinking about how my family is about to end, I'm going to watch a movie. A HAPPY movie. With the volume turned up real, REAL loud.

The Avengers

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If you can get through the beginning — which is just Avengers FIGHTING FIGHTING ALL THE TIME FIGHTING — this movie is about people coming together, DESPITE their differences. Although, it's much easier for The Avengers to get along because Nick Fury is financing the whole operation, so they don't have to fight about who forgot to pay the gas bill and is a pathetic worthless MORON like YOU ARE Diane.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

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This is the Twilight movie where the vampire and the lady get married, right? That's good, I like the idea of a movie about a married couple standing together to stop the Volturi. I wish my parents could stand together to fight the Volturi. Or at the very least stand together to fight each other's alcoholism.

Homeward Bound

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I really like Homeward Bound because it's only about an hour and a half long, the animal friends have a clear goal to get home, and they talk the whole way. It's the exact opposite of the car trip I took with my dad, which was sixteen hours, had no destination, and was ENTIRELY silent.

Zero Dark Thirty

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Zero Dark Thirty is super happy, almost child-like movie about the spirit and resilience of our great country. Best of all, if my dad sees me watching it he might stop accusing my mom of raising a sissy! And that is what America is all about.

Iron Man

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I like Iron Man enough to put his stand-alone movie on this list ALONG with The Avengers because Iron Man is just so awesome. He doesn't really ever fight — he just makes cool, snide comments all the time. I bet Tony Stark's wife would never yell at him. 

How to Train Your Dragon

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I JUST WANT THE FIGHTING TO STOP.

Batman and Robin

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Now they're just sitting at the table quietly. This is almost worse. I don't know why they would stop. What if they realized it wasn't worth it? What if they've come to the conclusion that they simply don't like each other anymore? Are they tired? Maybe, but tired of what? Of each other? Of me?

I JUST WANT THE FIGHTING TO START.

What do you watch to distract yourself from the tragedy of your parents' relationship? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out the Most Badass Movies of 2012!

The world's a crazy, repugnant place. As such, it's full of crazy, repugnant people consuming crazy, repugnant foodstuffs. I'm sure it goes without saying, but if you're at all squeamish, you'll probably gonna want to stop reading right about here.

Balut

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Balut sounds like the name of a Disney villain – in reality, however, it’s something far more sinister. The Filipino street treat is – wait for it – nothing more than a fertilized duck embryo. It’s made by burying a duck egg in the ground for two to three weeks and waiting until the embryo within is almost fully developed; said embryo is then boiled and eaten in its own shell. And when I say almost fully developed, I mean almost fully developed – feathers, beaks and bones are all up in ‘dat husk. Mmm…needlessly cruel…

Human Placenta

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Plenty of mammals eat their young's placenta after childbirth – this is because the placenta is a nutrient-rich, vitamin- and antibody-packed superfood. (Y’know, like kale!) Most human beings, while still mammals, really don't really consume placenta all that much anymore; that doesn't mean some freaky folks don't partake, though. While the majority of doctors argue that people don’t need to nosh on placenta because we already get enough nutrition, hippie-dippy types swear that it has profoundly positive effects on the health of new mothers – they say it makes them stronger and increases milk production. The Chinese also use dried placenta in some medicines (it's one of the seemingly hundreds of things they use to "cure" erectile dysfunction).

Casu Marzu

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Literally translated, casu marzu means "rotten cheese" in Italian. How rotten, you ask? Rotten enough to have live larvae in it, that's how. The cheese, found mostly in Sardinia, was outlawed in the EU for a while due to health regulations; it's now been declared a "traditional" food and, as such, is exempt from the law. The cheese can be eaten two ways: with the maggots still crawlin' around inside, or without. (Choose your own adventure!) Said maggots can jump up to six inches when they're disturbed – so, if you wanna eat the cheese with them in it, you've gotta put your hands over each slice on its way to your gullet to prevent 'em from escaping. If you don't want to eat them, put the cheese in a paper bag and wait for 'em all to jump out. They'll wiggle around in the bag for a while – when they no longer make noise, it's OK to eat the cheese. People who chomp on the stuff consider it to be an aphrodisiac – that explains why I'm so turned on right now.

Monkey Brains

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You heard me, bro. Monkey brains. In a handful of Asian countries, they're devoured with aplomb; as a matter of fact, they're so popular in Indonesia that it's lead to over-hunting. As is the case with tons of other ridiculous foods (human placenta included), folks eat 'em 'cause they think they're gonna make their boners work again – eating monkey brains, though, could be hazardous to your heath. (I know that may seem hard to believe, but it's true!) You could contract some messed-up, fatal-ass diseases by snacking on simian smarts – is it really worth all that just for a four-hour erection? (Guys, don't answer that question.)

Del Taco

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If you thought this article was just an excuse to rag on the curious culinary predilections of other countries, you were wrong – dead wrong, pendejo. Del Taco is the most American thing on this list; that being said, it's just as bad as a Filipino fertilized duck embryo. Every time I've eaten there, I've either felt like throwing up or actually threw up. Which begs the question, "Why did I go there more than once?" To which I reply, "Have you seen their prices?" We're in a damned recession here, people…my hands are tied! Apparently my guts are not alone – if you Google the phrase "Del Taco food poisoning," you get a buttload of personal narratives from other dummies who have ralphed as a result of eating crap like crinkle cut fries, Caramel Apple and Mac n' Cheese "Crunch Bites". Del Taco does deserve an award, though, for somehow making a single burrito (their Macho Beef Burrito®) have 1010 calories. Bravo, monsters.

What’s the gnarliest thing you’ve ever stuffed in your pie hole? Let me know in the comments!

Check out 22 HILARIOUS Food Name Fails!

Who hasn’t wanted to hunt for ghosts, whether in a house, an old castle, or an abandoned amusement park during an episode of “Scooby Doo”? But before you start your search you’re going to have to start by loading up on these actual ghost hunting supplies, available online and in your local stores…

Electromagnetic Field Meter

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Looking like a handheld game from the late 1970’s (“Which Is the Yellow Light?” by Mattel), the EMF Reader will make you look most like an actual Ghostbuster and least like a candidate for dating. It measures AC magnetic fields from appliances and then compares them against magnetic spikes that could come from ghosts. Or from all of your appliances plugged into a single outlet. Of course, first you have to measure each and every one of your electronic products, record the results in a diary, re-measure them every day to see if there have been any changes, record those results in a diary, and then gently sob when you realize that yes, this is what happens when you’ve been unemployed for far too long.

Infrared Motion Sensor

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Leading paranormal researchers have long said that objects can be moved by mysterious spirits. Or cats. Or you. That’s why they created this motion sensor that detects whenever there’s even the slightest shift in your personal belongings, creating the sense of peace that an only come from a piercing alarm at three in the morning. For added protection, place several sensors around your house, making sure at no point a ghost could say, “You know what? Their couch would look so much better on the opposite side of the room or on fire because this family has the worst taste imaginable.”

Digital Local Remote Thermometer

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Ghosthunters claim this digital thermometer is the perfect tool for checking air temperatures (as opposed to all the other thermometers in the world that are apparently just random number generators). Using the phaser-like device, determine the current temperature of a room. Then return a little later and point it at various wall seams and flooring to see if the temperature has changed, indicating both a ghostly presence and the fact your free time is clearly limitless. Of course, if you forget that you turned the heat up, the thermometer could also cause you to believe that your entire house has turned into a Hellmouth for demonic spirits and your real estate value has dropped accordingly.

Electronic Voice Phenomena Listener

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When shopping for an Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP) Listener, the first thing you want to do is make sure that the device knows its own name, as indicated by the above handy white label that the manufacturer probably had his grandson affix like a pro. The second thing is to buy it at Sears, because you actually can and they probably could use your business right about now. The third thing is to use it to pick up magnetic phenomena that can’t be heard by human ears, like poltergeists…or the humming of a dimmer switch. In fact, after a few sweeps you’ll realize that every single electronic device in your house makes a sound that was once inaudible to you but that now you can’t stop hearing, making sleep impossible until you run screaming into the woods never to live inside a home again.

Ghost Hunting Manual

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Having the best tools in the ghosthunting business won’t mean a thing if you don’t know how to use them. (Or because you’ve stopped using them since every time you do your roommates laugh for six hours straight.) But a good manual can help you not only realize you overpaid for what are essentially battery testers but also show you how to determine if you’re a psychic (you’re not), where to go for special classes (storage room of that shop that sells dreamcatchers and erotically shaped candles) and when to contact a local shaman (should you be conducting most of your paranormal investigations during the Neolithic age).

Mason Jar

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After you’ve caught your ghost—perhaps by wandering around your home randomly throwing a garbage bag over thin air while yelling “Gotcha!”—you’ll need a place to store your imprisoned phantom. Naturally, you can’t use the nuclear storage containment unit from the movie “Ghostbusters,” because as we all learned not only would that be a severe environmental hazard, but it’s also not real. Instead, save a little money and exposure to radiation burns by purchasing a bunch of mason jars from your local apparition hunting store/fruit stand. Carefully place each ghost inside the jar, making sure not to get any possible slime on your clothes. Label each jar with the name of the ghost and where you caught it. (“Lou: In my parents’ basement that has doubled as my apartment for the last 30 years.”) Then prominently place all your ghost mason jars on a shelf in your living room to serve as both a warning to other specters that you’re on to them and to any visitors to immediately turn on their heels and walk out your front door, swearing never to stop by or wave hello to you again.

When you capture a ghost what do you plan to do with it? Let us know in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Teachers You Should Avoid On Your Schedule!

There a lot of teachers that get fired for doing all sorts of awful things. I know that sometimes the firings are completely justified. A lot of times, people get fired for really dumb reasons. Someone needs to stand up for these teachers. If not me, then who? Here are controversial teachers who shouldn't have gotten fired.

Once A Porn Star, Always A Porn Star

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Usually if a porn star says that she is just working her way through school, she's lying. IN this case, that was the truth. Stacie Halas of Oxnard, California was fired after some of her students found videos of her on-line starring in hardcore porn movies. Of course, these videos spread around the school like wild fire and she was fired for it. She wasn't fired for any reason other than her previous profession. I think they should have kept her on staff to show students that no matter how bad things get, you can always pull yourself up by your stripper boot straps and make a nice life for yourself. All the kids learned from her firing is that if you make one bad mistake then you'll never be able to get away from it no matter how hard you try.

Tweet Like Nobody's Watching

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Everyone knows that Facebook is for posting real stuff and Twitter is for posting jokes. Carly McKinney of Colorado had a Twitter account where she posted jokes about getting high and school and her students being jail bait. There were also some tasteful, artistic, nude photos that she Tweeted. Unfortunately, school boards tend to not have a very good sense of humor or very good taste in art. As of right now, she hasn't be officially fired, but is on probation. It's not looking good though. I'm glad Smosh doesn't fire me for all of the tasteful nudes I post on Twitter of myself.

Sometimes Blogs Get A Little Too Real

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Here's a teacher who got fired for being way too honest. Natalie Monroe of Pennsylvania got fired for writing blog posts about how much she hated her students. I'm sure there are a lot of teachers who hate their students, but when you post all of that hate on a blog then you run the risk of getting in majro trouble. She said things like her students dressed as street walkers, they were lazy whiners, and they were frightfully dim. Maybe she was just calling it like she saw it. Either way, I'd like to have her as a teacher because maybe she'd actually shame some kids in to giving a crap about being educated.

No One Has Real Privacy On Facebook

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You really have to be careful what you do on Facebook. Abby Nurre was a teacher at an Iowa Catholic school. On her private Facebook page, she answered a poll by saying that she didn't believe in God and then later psoted an article that was linked from an Atheist website. That was grounds enough for the school to decide that she shouldn't be a teacher any more. She defended herself by saying that she told the school that she wasn't Catholic when she got the job. The thing about hardcore Catholics is that they don't really give a lot of leeway when it comes to things that they deem blasphemous. If this had been a few hundred years ago, she would have been burned at the stake by the Spnish Inquisition so I guess she kind of got off easy.

In Florida, Hogwarts Is A Type Of Rash

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This is by far the most ridiculous one on this list. Jim Piculas was a substitute teacher in rural Florida. At the beginning of class, he would often do a magic trick to try to get the kid's attention so they could start the day. The magic trick consisted of him making a toothpick disappear and then reappear. Apparently, some people both still believe in and are scared of magic. After a complaint about his show of demonic power, he was fired by the school for "wizardry." I'm pretty sure if this dude had legit magic powers, he wouldn't be wasting his time in rural Florida as a substitute teacher.

Which teacher do you wish you had at your school? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out Best of the 'Rasta Science Teacher' Meme!

A recent report from Aint It Cool suggested Disney may be working on not only a new Star Wars trilogy, but also a stand-alone movie focusing on Yoda. (EDIT: Aint It Cool has also just reported on the rumor of Han Solo and Boba Fett one-off films.) A new Yoda movie, potentially in production, is great news, as it implies Disney isn't as beholden to the one note that's kept a Yoda movie from even being considered before:

"Audiences can't relate to characters shorter than they are." - extremely tall studio exec
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And that rumor picked up steam when Disney CEO Bob Iger spoke with CNBC and confirmed that the writer of Empire Strikes Back, Lawrence Kasdan and fellow writer Simon Kinsberg were working on Star Wars films separate from the new trilogy. "We are in fact working on a few stand-alone films. Kasdan and Simon Kinberg are both working on films derived from great Star Wars characters that are not part of the overall saga. So we plan to make Star Wars VII, VIII and IX over roughly a six-year period of time starting in 2015. But there are going to be a few other films released in that period of time too."

So basically Disney is going to be perpetually making Star Wars movies. Don't be surprised if in ten years all movies are Star Wars movies. And don't think you're exempt — that movie you're writing about off-beat but relatable characters who bond over their shared love of The Smiths?

It will be bought by Disney and it will be turned into a Grand Moff Tarkin vehicle.
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You had to know extra Star Wars movies were coming though, right? Disney paid SO MUCH MONEY for Star Wars, and they're going to do absolutely everything in their power to get as much out of it as they can. It's like if you're a dairy farmer, and you buy the world's most expensive cow, you're going to milk that cow every damn day until it's completely dried out. And then, when that cow dies from exhaustion, you wring all the milk out of its udders, boil its bones to make milk soup, and grind its brain and eyeballs until they become milk.

Dairy farmers are real messed up.
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But is a Yoda movie really a good idea? To me, Yoda is an example of a side character who everyone loves but can in no way carry his own story. There's a reason we have main characters, even though they're almost inherently less cool than the side characters for the same reason we don't eat cakes made entirely out of frosting — you've got to layer that sugary fun on top of a solid foundation, not make it the main course. A stand-alone Yoda movie would be like Seinfeld without Jerry. The Great Gatsby without Nick Carraway. Resident Evil without human beings.

Although Resident Evil without humans could work if they focus on Tyrant's high school football career,
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What Star Wars character would you want to see in a stand-alone Star Wars movie? Besides Boba Fett. Obviously. Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Glee is the worst thing on television right now, and yes, I am including the new VH1 show Who Wants To Eat A Celebrity? It recently made headlines for blatantly stealing a song from Jonathan Coulton without crediting him or paying him a dime (like it did with Nouvelle Vague, Petra Haden, Divisi, Greg Laswell, and DJ Earworm). Let's not forget, though, that even if it weren't shameless and unethical, Glee would still be a steaming pile of rat turds disguised as TV. Don't believe I can make this post about Nintendo? Well you're WRONG, buckaroo! Here are powers Kirby would gain by swallowing the cast of Glee!

Double Standard Breath!

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By swallowing any female character, all of whom are evil, Kirby would gain the ability to do what Glee has been trying to do all these years: release a hypocritical sound wave ("EQUALITY!!!") that only hurts women.

Unresolved Plot PUNCH!

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One thing Glee fans particularly hate about their favorite show is how often they pick up plot lines only to totally abandon them because they don't want to pay the actors those plots are about anymore. If Kirby swallows any of those characters, he will learn an uppercut which, when thrown, will leave its target hanging in the air.

Marginalized Minority Beam!

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Quick, name three non-white characters on Glee! Got em? Okay, now name a non-white character who has had a story about him or her that isn't a humiliating stereotype! Trick question: you can't. In the rare event that Kirby would actually run into a non-white character on Glee, swallowing that character would give him the power to shoot a beam from his eyes that makes anybody who isn't a pink puffball feel like they're being singled out at a bad party.

iTunes Store Spit!

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Whenever Kirby swallows any character from Glee, a cool side effect he gets is the power to spit gold coins (but only while emotionlessly butchering Auto-Tuned versions of beloved songs). Any time Kirby's a little low on cash, all he's gotta do is sleepwalk his way through some Lady Gaga covers and BOOM! Time to hit the strip club!

Adult Human Dialogue Farts!

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Kirby tries to avoid picking up this power, because it tends to make social gatherings awkward. He learned the hard way when he tried swallowing a few of the teachers at the school from Glee. Whenever Kirby swallows an adult character on Glee, he lets out long, wet, uncontrollable farts that vaguely resemble how humans talk when drunk robots mash buttons on the control panels of their brains. It's a pretty bummer power, but at least it sounds KIND OF like dialogue!

Self-Proclaimed Authority On Gay Rights Kick!

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Any time Kirby swallows Blaine, Kurt, or one of the other ones, he gains the ability to deliver swift, steely kicks to the nads of anyone who disagrees with his idea of the American gay experience. "Hey Kirby," a fool might say, "I know it's been a hard road, and I support your cause, but maybe you should quit using silly musical numbers to compare your movement to African-American civil rights. You know, since those scars are still fresh in the minds of millions of people who saw their leaders assassina- UGH!!!!" Know what that was right there? A steely kick to the nads.

Really Disliking Glee!

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No matter what Glee character Kirby swallows, he feels like he came out of the whole experience dirtier and sadder and he can't believe his friends still eat that crap up.

In case it wasn't clear, I hate Glee more than is in any way rational for an adult. How about you? Let us know in the comments!

Check out 10 Things I Hate About Glee!

All it takes is some new ad copy—and perhaps a poster reading “Based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks”—to turn any action movie into the must-see motion picture of Valentine’s Day…

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

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Actual Action Plot: While trying to protect Earth from the evil Decepticons, the Autobots learn of a long-hidden hidden U.S. military secret involving a crashed Cybertron craft on the Moon.

Romance Version Tagline:“True love can never grow when planted with the seeds of distrust.” “Be true. Be real. Be together.” “Removing the ‘versus’ between man and machine.”

Die Hard with a Vengeance

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Actual Action Plot: A terrorist/master criminal seeks revenge on police office Lt, John McClane by making him run around New York City on a series of “mind games” phone calls, all the while threatening to blow up various buildings.

Romance Version Tagline:“When your love is tested you can’t afford to fail.” “Why run around when all you ever really wanted is just a phone call away?” “Tonight the city is theirs…well, at least until the bombs go off.”

The Fast and the Furious

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Actual Action Plot: The leader of a team of street racers and possible criminals is befriended by the new guy who turns out to be an undercover LAPD police officer.

Romance Version Taglines:“The only thing faster than their cars is the beating of their hearts.” “No lie can ever mask one’s true feelings.” “This time the driver’s seat takes a backseat to the actual backseat which is…uh…let’s start over…”

Mission: Impossible—Ghost Protocol

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Actual Action Plot: The IMF is wrongly accused of blowing up the Kremlin and its agents must clear their name and discover the real culprits.

Romance Version Taglines:“They’re on the run from everyone but each other.” “No disguise can disguise the disguise that their hearts no longer assume.” “He sees his ex wife at the end. Probably shouldn’t have spoiled that. But that’s kind of romantic, right?”

The Expendables

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Actual Action Plot: A group of veteran mercenaries are assigned to overthrow a dictator but soon learn the real villain is an ex-CIA officer.

Romance Version Taglines:“You’re never too old to go after what you want.” “People thought their time had passed. But love runs on its own clock.” “Hearts will explode…along with most of a small island nation.”

Alien Vs. Predator

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Actual Action Plot: Humans find themselves in the middle of an eons-long battle between attacking aliens and the intergalactic hunters who pursue them.

Romance Version Taglines:“They came from two different worlds. But they found what they truly wanted on ours.” “Bitter enemies. Bittersweet lovers.” “When those eggs hatch, love scurries right into your heart by breaking right through your chest cavity.”

What's the most romantic encounter you've ever had with the Predator? Let us know in the comments.

Check Out 18 Funny Honest Movie Posters!

Nobody feels good about tuning into reality programming, but the shows listed below would make Mike TV kill himself. I couldn’t make these up if I tried (which is why it’s good I’m not an alternative television programming exec). Some new 2013 reality shows that I will not be DVR’ing anytime soon include:

Ghost Mine - Syfy

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Supposedly, “Ghost Mine,” combines ghosts and mining. So many dangers, so little sleep for me to be able to get after watching. Also, miners arguably have the worst working conditions of any job ever. Don’t they have enough to deal with without a camera crew following them around trying to get them to talk smack about how their coworkers are transparent, cold, and paranormal?

Immortalized - AMC

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Immortalized is a show about taxidermy, aka when they stuff dead animals to make them look like they’re still alive. I can’t recall a time I’ve ever consciously sought out such an image. It’s a sad day when YouTube gets the live, cute pets, and cable is relegated to still pieces of freak-art.

The Job - CBS

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People competing for jobs is only amusing to people who already have jobs. The rest of us just get PTSD. Real cute, network executives who ordered this.

What Would Ryan Lochte Do? - E!

What? Why? Can’t we just look at a picture of him shirtless?

American Idol - FOX

They’re trying to make us think there’s something new about this schmaltz machine, so fine, it gets a slot on the list of new reality shows I will not be watching. Mariah v. Nicki? Why do we indulge bad behavior? We’re just making the rich get richer and the poor get rich temporarily.

What other reality shows will you not be watching? Let us know in the comments!

Check Why Reality TV Is Destroying Your Mind!

Microsoft's next Xbox, which we'll probably see released before the end of 2013, will require an internet connection and block used games from playing on the console, according to a report from Edge. Games would ship with a one-time-use activation code, and once they're tied to your system, that's the only system they'll ever work on. It's sort of like an arranged marriage, only without the dowry.

I don't know what a dowry is. Is this a dowry?
(source)

This move would be huge for Microsoft, since it would essentially cut Gamestop out of the equation. The only real way Gamestop makes it's money is by selling used games, and everything else they do is in service to that. So if the next Xbox doesn't play used games, will Gamestop even sell the new Xbox? Will they sell its controllers? Will they sell its accessories? Will they sell its overpriced collector's editions of Halo?

I don't know WHERE I'll throw my money away if they don't!
(source)

Prfft. We could also see an updated Kinect either launching simultaneously with the new Xbox, so get ready to stick your arms out to collect coins with your long dumb arms and sort of control the paddles on a white water rafting trip.

Perfect for when your cousin with a brain injury comes over.
(source)

It'll be interesting to see how this talk of required connectivity goes down, especially in terms of Microsoft's competition with Sony's soon-to-be-announced Playstation 4. If that console doesn't have the used game-restriction, will gamers go with the console that promises cheaper games in the future? Or will they decide to stop killing developers and publishers who make the games they love by purchasing the console that ensures said developers and publishers will get a cut of the profits from the games they create?

Usually, these console battles come down to the games, but as we saw with this generation, major titles come to both Microsoft AND Sony's boxes, meaning exclusives are going to play a bigger role. Sony owns plenty of studios and can keep a solid trickle of exclusives coming, but they don't have the kind of cultural cache that Microsoft's two biggest franchises, Gears of War and Halo, enjoy.

Therefore, this battle is really going to come down to the features of the two systems. Whichever wins, it'll be interesting to see what innovations Microsoft and Sony will bring to the marketplace.

"Also Nintendo, right guys? You're interested to see what Nintendo brings
to the marketplace too, aren't you? Guys? ...Guys?"
(source)

Are you going to buy the next Xbox if it really does require an internet connection? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

I bought a Wii U on launch day, but not because I wanted it to play games. No, I wanted to put that sh*t on eBay and turn a profit. And guess how well that worked? Nintendo ended up selling, like, 45 Wii Us over the holiday season, so of course no one wanted to buy mine for double the price. So I have two questions: 1) I made two trips to Gamestop — one to buy the Wii U and one to return it — so who do I write to at Nintendo to get that reimbursed, and 2) Why is there so little interest in the Wii U? My guess is its lack of games — a new New Super Mario Bros. is not enough to sell a system. So here are the games that, if released by Nintendo, would get me to buy a Wii U. Again.

Metroid Prime 4

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Metroid Prime is one of the best Nintendo franchises, because it gave you tangible rewards for exploring your surroundings. Whenever you found a missile expansion or energy tank in Metroid Prime, it mattered. A lot of games hide trinkets around the world to inspire you to explore, but too often the reward is concept art, a worse rendering of something you've already seen. That's like opening a birthday card from your grandma and finding a carbon copy of the check she gave you last year.

Donkey Kong Country Returns Some More

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Granted, we got Donkey Kong Country Returns last year, but it was so great I would honest to God trade my dog to get a new Donkey Kong Country every year. That's right Nintendo, you do whatever you want with Cookie, who I love very much and is very cute. She's a good dog but I've had my time with her, and I will send her to you to send to the afterlife if that is what you demand.

Resident Evil 2 Remake

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The Gamecube launched with a Resident Evil 1 remake, so why follow suit for the Wii U? It only makes sense! It makes sense strategically. It makes sense economically. And it makes sense emotionally. IT MAKES EVERY KIND OF SENSE. And I say this, sure, as a guy who loves Resident Evil 2 more than anything in the world, sure as a guy who can set the world record for a Claire A speed run, and sure as someone who literally created a petition to urge the White House to pressure Capcom into remaking Resident Evil 2, but I don't think that makes me biased or anything.

A grown-up Legend of Zelda

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All right, I get it Nintendo. You like little cartoon baby Zeldas. That's fine. My baby brother needs video games too. But make me a Zelda I can sink my teeth into, okay?

Super Smash Bros. Online

(source)

It is time for Smash Bros. to get online already. And not in the super laggy, broken way Super Smash Bros. Brawl was. Listen Nintendo, I'm not in high school anymore, all right? I don't have friends who can come over. I don't have friends who want to sit on my couch. I don't have friends who exist.

Star Fox Wii U

(source)

BOY OH BOY is it ever time for a new Star Fox game. Did you know we haven't had a console Star Fox since Star Fox 64? I know, there were some Gamecube iterations of the series, but Star Fox Adventures was so bad it actually canceled out Star Fox Assault. The Gamecube Star Fox games were like having a Mafia boss break your leg but then kissing it to make it all better.

SOMETHING ORIGINAL FOR THE LOVE OF GOD

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Holy Christ everything on this list is a sequel! What was the last new series Nintendo started? Pikmin? Was it Pikmin? And I barely even remember Pikmin! You could tell me Pikmin was all a fever dream and I would believe you. Although, I would believe you if you told me anything I remember was a fever dream. I've been having a lot of fever dreams since I ate all those plants in the desert.

What games would convince you to buy the Wii U? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out What My Grandpa, Who Loved the Wii, Thinks of the Wii U!

You know that thing EVERY teenager goes through, where they meet someone, fall into a relationship, and then get a giant tattoo together to symbolize they're love? No? that never happened to you? Hmm, did you decide you never want to be taken seriously by anyone you meet ever again? Ohh, that's the part of the progression I'm forgetting. The couple has to decide they never want to be taken seriously by anyone they meet ever again.

"I know I can never become Secretary of State like I've
always dreamed, but this tattoo was WORTH IT!"
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Anyhow, this is the story of Lesya Toumaniantz, a Russian girl who met a man named Rouslan Toumaniantz in an online chat room and, after seeing him in person one time, got his name tattooed on her face. That's right, Lesya now has a giant "Rouslan" inked forever all over her face. It's an insane transformation, from girl to tattoo-faced monster, and it's been documented by the internet. Let's watch, shall we?

Fair warning, though, it's a hard thing to see a person do this to themselves. I had to think about it as a clever little homage to the Anakin Skywalker story from the Star Wars prequels.

What a sweet kid, taking a picture of herself back home on Tatooine.
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"Nice to meet you, Senator Palpatine."
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The first hint of darkness. Die Tuskan Raiders, die!
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Should've listened to Obi Wan. He had the high ground.
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NOOOOOOOO.
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You might remember Rouslan Toumaniantz as the tattoo artist who put a bunch of stars on the face of Kimberley Vlaminck a few years back. So this face-tattooing business is apparently his thing. Rouslan Toumaniantz is like a Batman villain, except instead of messing with the average Gotham citizen he actively ruins their lives forever.

Less chance of being elected District Attorney than a post-aciding Harvey Dent.
(source)

And now, according to her Facebook, Lesya is engaged to Rouslan. And I say great. Good for them. Because let's be honest, I can't think of a more perfect ending to the story. For both the face-tatooed goofballs and the world at large.

This is a genetic line that needs some real CONTAINMENT.
(source)

What are you going to get tattooed on your face? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

I watch a lot of television, because I like a lot of television. Despite what TV ratings may suggest, a lot of TV shows are as good, or better, than they’ve ever been in the past. Of course, while the storytelling aspect may have improved, television has always had some problems with accuracy when it comes to reflecting reality. While you allow for some suspension of disbelief in the interest of storytelling, some shows are particularly egregious about it. Which shows? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED, CONVENIENT SEGUE! Here are 7 TV shows that make no attempt to accurately portray the world they take place in:

CSI

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First, real crime scenes almost never contain the kind of definitive evidence that the characters on CSI are practically tripping over at every turn. And also, why are a bunch of science nerds being allowed into the interrogation room? That’s not their job, and I’m suspicious that guy who was probably scared to talk to girls in high school would be a more effective interrogator than the hardened homicide detective.

How I Met Your Mother

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Unlike what this show suggests, New York does have black people in it.

Grey’s Anatomy

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The mortality rate at that hospital is ridiculous, and I’m not even talking about patients, just the doctors. Car crashes, mass shootings, drowning in McDreamy’s eyes, there is no way doctors die that much in actual hospitals.

Andy Griffith Show

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The Andy Griffith Show was one of the all time classics, about a widowed small town sheriff, and the well meaning citizens of the small town where he works. Of course, the charming, quaint picture it paints is in no way what being a small town sheriff is actually like, unless all the scenes of him getting thrown up on by drunks, and breaking up domestic disputes are on the DVD deleted scenes or something.

Californication

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Californication does not so much portray what the life of a writer is like as much as it portrays what every single writer wishes their life was like. Hard partying, womanizing, knocking out a few pages while you’re hung over (well, it’s been my experience that the hangover part is generally true) is such a sad fantasy of a specific type of nerdy writer it… oh man, I’m getting bummed out for them just thinking about it.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

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Do you know a lot of teenagers who are motivated enough to go risk their lives to fight crime? No, if they were real teens, they’d be sitting in their bedroom listening to Nine Inch Nails (or whatever their 2013 equivalent is, I’m very old) and pining over whoever this week’s unrequited crush was. Also, shouldn’t at least one of them had really bad acne?

All Reality TV Shows

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It’s no secret that reality TV shows have writers coming up with the “plot lines” for each week, so why can’t we just drop the whole “Reality TV” tag and call them docudramas, or something? EVERYONE knows it’s not reality, including my Grandmother, who is fooled by this kind of thing constantly.

Hey guys, what’s up? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out If TV Shows Were Real!

There is nothing worse than getting super excited for an awesome looking new video game just to have the game canceled. Every once in a while, one of these games will rise from the dead and finally be released to the public. Look at Duke Nukem Forever. That game was in development for fifteen years and canceled multiple times before it was ever released. It didn't get good reviews when it came out in 2011, but it was pretty great by 2001 standards. If nothing else, I enjoyed the satisfaction of finally getting something that I had wished for every night before I went to bed. Here are canceled video games that I hope come out.

Shenmue 3

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Shenmue was a wildly awesome open world adventure game. It was most well known for it's really sweet story. Unfortunately, they planned that story to finish over several games. The story was never finished. The makers of Shenmue had teased a number of times that they might make Shenmue 3. I don't think it will ever happen. I think they just enjoy torturing us with the hope that it might one day come out.

Reich

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If Reich had actually been finished, it might have been up there in popularity with Gears Of War or Bioshock. It's a pretty standard FPS shooter except that you have telekinesis and can pretty much blow up anything. The gameplay footage that was leaked is all we'll ever get to see of what we might have been able to have. The game was canceled because of financial difficulties, but I like to think the real reason is that they made the game so good that the main character came out of the game and in to the real world.

Star Fox 2

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This was going to come out so late in the life of the SNES that Nintendo was worried that it would conflict with the N64. Don't get me wrong. I love Star Fox 64, but I want both of them. Do you realize how awful it is that we live in a world with a finished and unreleased Star Fox game? When I wake up in the morning, I can feel that there is a better universe where this game exists. I feel it in my heart and my soul.

Highlander: The Game

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Highlander is a series of movies and TV shows about immortals who fight each other with swords. This game was going to start in Ancient Rome and move forward through time all the way to the modern era. I'm a sucker for anything to do with swords or history so I was pretty excited that this was going to be a game entirely comprised of sword fighting through time. Of course if it's anything like the rest of the franchise, this game would have spawned about 10 terrible sequels so maybe it was better that it wasn't released.

Ender's Game: Battle Room

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Ender's Game is one of my favorite sci-fi books. After the first time I finished it, I set the book down and said out loud, "My first child will be named Ender." The other people on the plane thought I was a real weirdo. This game was going to focus on the zero gravity battle room. It's kind of like space paintball. The game was based on the Unreal 3 engine so it was probably going to be pretty sweet. Despite having the blessing of the author, the game was canceled.

Bonk: Brink Of Extinction

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We are way overdue for a new Bonk game. Bonk is one of the most underrated platformer franchises. With the wave of old games being brought back like Mega Man and Sonic, it seemed like a perfect time to release another Bonk game. Most of the games on this list were canceled for financial reasons or because the game wasn't as good as they hoped. This one was canceled because of the 2011 Japanese earthquake.

EarthBound 64

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When it was announced that Earthbound 64 was coming out, people went insane. It was originally developed for the N64 with all of it's cell shaded glory. When it was canceled, the internet let out a collective "Noooooooooo!" They ended up using the plot from this game for a Japanese Game Boy Advance game that came out 6 years later. At least we got something.

Half-Life 2: Episode 3

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Half-Life 2 was supposed to end in a really awesome three part trilogy. Part 1 and 2 came out, but part 3 was never released. Episode 2 ended with a cliffhanger where it seemed like the bad guy aliens were going to take over the entire Earth. I guess we should just assume that they were successful and everyone was killed or turned in to slaves. They most likely canceled the game for a rumored Half-Life game with a more open world. Hopefully, they don't just reboot the franchise and at least sort of address what was done about that whole alien invasion thing.

Drac's Night Out

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This was an NES game that sounds insanely morbid. You basically wander around levels as Dracula sucking people's blood. The end goal of the game was to suck the blood of your girlfriend. I don't know why it was canceled, but it probably had something to do with playing a murderer. That sort of things flies now, but back in the day Nintendo tended to look down on it. Oh, did I forgot to mention that the game was an advertisement for the Reebok Pump for some reason. I'm mostly just bummed that it didn't get a bunch of sequels based on other monsters like The Creature From The Black Lagoon wearing New Balances or the Smoke Monster from Lost wearing Uggs.

Mega Man Universe

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This might be the greatest canceled game of all time. In this version of Mega Man, players would be able to create their own Megaman 2 levels and share them on-line with friends and other players. They also planned to allow you to bring in other characters from Capcom games like Street Fighter and Ghosts n' Goblins to play on the user created levels. They ended up releasing Mega Man 9 and Mega Man 10 which were both fun, but I really wanted to play on a Megaman level that was shaped like an unmentionable body part.

What released games do you wish had been canceled? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out The Dumbest Video Game Accessories of All Time!

Before they got their big breaks, many celebrities were struggling to just book a commercial. When you watch these embarrassing commercials, it kind of makes it extra funny to think that at one point these celebs were ecstatic just to be on TV in one of these. Now they probably just want to forget they even exist. But the internet NEVER FORGETS. Just ask Beyonce!

Jennifer Lawrence-- My Super Sweet 16

Okay, Jennifer seems like the type of girl who can laugh at herself, so she probably also thinks this is hilarious. AND it actually has given me a great idea for a reality show....My Super Sweet 16 meets The Hunger Games. Only one spoiled annoying tart gets out ALIVE! DM me on Twitter, Hollywood.

Aaron Paul--Corn Pops

I'm just waiting the whole time for him to say 'YEAH , BITCHES! Gotta get my POPS!' I do enjoy Corn Pops, they're addictive, not blue ice addictive but addictive nonetheless.

Lindsay Lohan--Jello

Nothing makes me sadder than seeing old school adorable Lindsay Lohan. I have a feeling she's slurped down a lot grosser things than Grape Jello in the past few years.SNAP!

Jason Bateman--Golden Grahams

Seeing this is actually getting me psyched for the return of Arrested Development. I enjoy this commercial much more when I imagine someone is showing it to the world in order to humiliate Michael Bluth.

Sarah Michelle Gellar--Burger King

I don't know what's more embarrassing the annoying child actor delivery or the natural hair color reveal. 

Jack Black--Atari's Pitfall

Who knew Jack Black was a child actor?? Wow, Pitfall looks AMAZING! I mean that scorpion is scarier than anything in Resident Evil....amirite? 

Leonardo DiCaprio--Bubble Yum

The best part of watching this commercial is knowing that Leonardo DiCaprio cringes at the mere thought of it. And I'd just like to say, although iPods are great, nothing looks as cool as listening to your music on a boom box! 

Tina Fey--Local Bank

This almost seems like she's playing Liz Lemon as a younger person acting in a commercial. Even though it's super-dated and dorky, Tina Fey does her best to make it a little funny.  But even she can't make that vest anything but sad.

Elijah Wood--National Dairy Board

That's one way to make broccoli more appealing, pour a buttload of melted cheese all over it. Maybe pouring cheese all over some Lembas would make it more appealing too.

Naomi Watts--Tampax

From this to Oscar-nominated actress!? Well done, Naomi, well done. You can tell she's destined for success, because she's really able to sell the idea of an easy glide, hygienic tampon applicator. I really think using these tampons will improve my life drastically, you guys! Can't wait to get my period and play tennis in white shorts with confidence! 

Which one did you find the most embarrassing? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Most Annoying Commercials Of 2012!

How come parents have all the money? It’s not fair. The problem is, parents probably don’t actually mind giving you their money, they just want to feel like they’re being good parents in teaching you the value of “hard work” and “fiscal responsibility.” Ugh. We should band together to figure out ways in which to craftily siphon it off them like desert nomads accessing governmental power lines. Google it. Here are some ways you can try to beg your parents for money that might be weird enough to work.

Stand Outside Their House With A Sign

Like Ace Of Base described, the sign will open up their eyes -- it’s a harbinger of what's to come if you don't have a solid monetary foundation to build upon. Your sign doesn’t have to say explicitly “Need $$$;” even an advertisement for “Harry’s Rug and Upholstery” can elicit the intended sympathy when twirled with a certain panache.

Do That Street Seller Scene From Oliver!

“Who will buy my sweet red roses, two blooms for a penny?” Umm, your parents! Not only will they feel obligated to pay you for the roses [you picked from their garden], but also they'll be reminded that you were participating in plays for their enjoyment when you could have been working a part-time job.

Say You’ll Be Their Best Friend You’ll Do Anything They Want

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Parents want nothing more than to ultimately transcend the parent-child relationship and become your best friend. Tell them, “I’ll be your best friend I’ll do anything you want,” and they’ll believe it. They’re not jaded like the rest of us recent grade-school cafeteria grads.

After Washing Their Car

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Catch your parent in the driveway right when they’re coming home from work. They won’t be able to deny your window scraper/suds routine. You’ll then have just cause in asking for compensation for the Deluxe Hand Wash.

Be A Total D*ck

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If you play up the dickish aspects of your personality to their full extent, your parents will have no choice but to give you enough money to move out and pay rent on your own. Yup, that’s the only possible outcome from calling your mom the C-word. (Of course, in this instance, the “C-word” is “craven,” meaning “lily-livered.”)

Start a Ponzi Scheme

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I’m not sure how Ponzi Schemes actually work, but it seems feasible to make a lot of money off conning your parents and all their friends into investing in a fictitious money-making financial thing. You are an entrepreneur! You show initiative! Whatever, they force us to pay into Social Security.

What are some other creative ways you can beg your parents for money? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out 21 Pretty Clever Tip Jars!

Toy manufacturer Playmobil has released a new play set that is really getting under the skin of anti-gun activists. As a part of Playmobil's "City Action" series, the "Bank and Safe" set features a lady bank robber sticking up a seemingly helpless bank manager. Although, said bank manager sure seems to happy about it.

The bank manager is big on positive gender roles.
(source)

Speaking to The Mirror, the chairman of Communities Against Gun and Knife Crime Danny Bryan (not the wrestler) said “We don’t want to be encouraging young people to look at these sorts of things. I think it is horrendous that young people are given all these images to shape them.”

So guys, listen. If we're going to be consistent, and say that video games don't make kids violent, we must emphatically state that cartoon bank robbery play sets don't make kids violent. More to the point, if Bryan is right, and this play set actually affects the minds of children, than absolutely everything affects the minds of children.

I think it is horrendous that young people are given all these giraffes to shape them.
(source)

The outrage is obviously unnecessary. Playmobil isn't dealing with LITERAL bank robbers here, they're dealing with the mythological "bad guy". The bank robber represents the ephemeral other, the taker, the powerful. There's ultimately nothing here more real than a Darth Vader or The Joker action figures. Because as they grow up and explore the world, children are going to be confronted by the others, by the takers, by the powerful. And they learn to defeat that darkness by using mythology to explore it. And if they've been sheltered from them, they will be defeated by them.

It's like sending children into an MMA fight without ever having gone to karate class — they will be defeated because they will be frightened and confused.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW.
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Besides, it won't be long before this play set stops even making sense to children. I mean, robbing a bank in person to get physical money? In maybe two years, our money is going to be nothing but imaginary internet numbers in our PayPal accounts.

"Put in your password and you BEST not get that Captcha wrong!"
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Do you think kids should be playing with a bank robbery play set? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Ever since it was announced that Han Solo, Yoda, and Boba Fett might get their own Star Wars movies, the internet has been filled with speculation on who might also get their own movies. For me, the top of my list is Darth Maul. I would love to get to see him get more screen time than he did in The Phantom Menace. He was probably the coolest character in the prequels and we barely got to see him. While there are many Star Wars characters that would make great movies, there are way more that should never be on screen again. Here are Star Wars characters that shouldn't get their own movie.

Jar Jar Binks

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If Jar Jar Binks got his own movie, I would be the first one to start burning all of my Star Wars memorabilia. Everything I own from my bed sheets to my drinking glasses are all Star Wars. It would suck to be left possessionless, but it would be worth it to make a point.

Dash Rendar

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Dash Rendar already got a lame book and a video game. I don't need to see any more of this dude. The game was only known for having a sweet soundtrack. If your third person shooter video game is only known for having a good soundtrack then that is probably a terrible video game. This movie would mostly consist of Dash awkwardly walking around empty buildings and constantly missing with his laser pistol.

Salacious B. Crumb

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Salacious Crumb is Jabba the Hutt's court jester. He's a fan favorite because he hangs around next to Jabba all day and cackles at anything and everything. This is entertaining in small doses, but enraging after about a half hour. It would be cool to get to see the rest of his family though. Of course, his mother would be played by Fran Drescher.

Chewbacca

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I would love to see a movie about Chewie growing up on the Wookie homeworld Kashyyyk. The reason I don't want to see this movie get made is that Disney would ruin it by subtitling all of the Wookies. In the original trilogy, Chewbacca was never subtitled. I would love to see an entire movie in an alien language with no subtitles. They're just too scared because no one will "understand" what's going on.

Admiral Ackbar

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Just because the internet loves an idea, it won't make a good movie. I'm sure if there was even a hint of an Admiral Ackbar movie that the intenet might explode with positive support. I think Snakes On A Plane showed us that some ideas should be left as memes and t-shirts and stickers and Tumblrs and Smosh articles.

Max Rebo

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If you have a Max Rebo movie, you're guaranteed to have it conclude with a battle of the bands. This would be like the Purple Rain of Star Wars movies except replace sexy with gross. Wait. I'm confused. Which one is the movie with the space aliens?

Han Solo

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I think Yoda and Boba Fett movies would be pretty sweet because those are both characters that aren't tied to a specific actor. A Han Solo movie would be terrible. They would have to recast the role with a younger actor that could never live up to Harrison Ford. Did we learn nothing from Young Indiana Jones? That show was unwatchable. IF they make this movie, I'll still go see it. But I'm only gonna see it two or three times instead of twenty. Take that Star Wars!

Who do you think should get their own Star Wars movies? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out 7 Directors That Should Helm The Next Star Wars Movie!

I remember hearing whispers on the playground of secret things you could do in video games that would unlock untold secrets. Those rumors gave the games a sense of mystery. Of revelation. And I do so wish these urban legends were true, if only so I won't have wasted so many hours of my life.

Although, that said, I was playing video games that entire time anyway, so I guess it wouldn't be unfair to say that that life was already wasted. In any event, here are the video game urban legends I wish were true!

Luigi in Super Mario 64

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After a statue reading "L is real 2401" was found in Super Mario 64, theories began to pop up online as to how one would go about unlocking Luigi as a playable character. Some of the more popular notions suggested one could collect every coin in the game for a total of 2401.

But since playing as Luigi wouldn't really change the game in any way, you might as well download a trial version of Photoshop and learn how to shift specific colors and learn a little bit about graphic design. Or, you know, collect 2401 coins in a 17 year old game. Whichever one you think is more likely to lead to success in life. Remember, graphic design is a very competitive field.

Banjo/ Kazooie's whole Stop N' Swop ordeal

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I was told by this kid Kenny in 5th grade that that if I collected all the Jinjos, musical notes, and red feathers in the game, I could get the elusive ice key and question mark eggs we all glimpsed but could never collect at the end of the first Banjo Kazooie. I spent hours working to accomplish this nearly impossible task, and when I finally did and nothing happened, Kenny laughed and started teasing  me for believing him. Naturally I was heartbroken and FURIOUS with Kenny, but it turned out he was only acting out because his parents were getting a divorce.

Since then I've collected all the Stop N' Swop items from the Xbox Live Arcade rerelease of Banjo Kazooie and Kenny died lighting a fire in an old farmhouse to get his parents' attention, so I think we all know who got the last laugh there.

The Triforce can be found in Ocarina of Time

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In the part of Ocarina of Time's menu that displayed the Sage badges you'd collected, there was an imprint of the Triforce that implied it could be collected in the game. A number of screenshots displaying the Triforce in the Ocarina of Time engine appeared online, but they seem to come from a demo video from before the game's release.

It became popular to post how you "found" the Triforce on internet forums, in increasingly bizarre game-breaking methods, but I never understood why. Once you can beat Gannondorf, there's nothing left to do in Ocarina of Time. Is Link going to just sit in his stupid treehouse apartment looking at it like a fat guy looks at his p90x DVDs?

Mew is underneath some truck

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The rumor was that you could use the Pokemon attacks STRENGTH or CUT to get this truck out of the way and fight Mew, whom you could then weaken and capture. There ended up being no truth to this rumor, as the only way to get Mew was by performing a complicated series of precise steps to trick the game into letting you fight him. It's all very confusing.

A bunch of kids were given access codes to Mew shortly after Pokemon Red/ Blue's release, so I think at this point the easiest way to get Mew is to master quantum technology and travel to an alternate universe where you can be one of those kids.

Squall dies in the middle of Final Fantasy VIII

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At the end of the first disc of Final Fantasy VIII, Squall is hit in the chest by a giant ice shard and tumbles over a cliff. The urban legend says that the SECRET narrative of the game is that Squall actually dies at this point, and that of the game is in his head as he falls to the ground. You can read about all the evidence at Squall's Dead, and it's pretty convincing. I hope it's true, because it means there's a chance that Kenny got to save the world before the farmhouse he lit on fire trying to get his parent's attention collapsed on top of him, burning him alive.

Fallout 3 predicts the future

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Since Fallout 3 takes place in our future, we're sometimes told what happened in the game's past — our future — from the in-game radio broadcasts, including the day the queen of England dies and the year Britney Spears won an Oscar. But one supposed radio transmission was disquieting. Fallout 3, released a full year before Gary Coleman's death, predicted Gary Coleman's death. Another broadcast allegedly predicted the 2010 BP oil spill.

Bethesda has since debunked the rumor, but isn't that exactly what you'd expect someone with the power to see the future to do? I say we go to Bethesda for all our stock market advice from now on. Attention NASDAQ! I'll take a thousand shares of Dragonborn stock, if you please! (I don't have a goddamn clue how the stock market works.)

The secret island in GoldenEye

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If you take a sniper rifle and look across the body of water in GoldenEye's Dam level, you'll see a small island that's impossible to get to with a single guard walking aimlessly. It sounds like it was originally a location players could travel to by boat, but when the level got too big, developer Rare decided to simply remove the boat, leaving in the island.

The small, desolate island is creepy, to be sure, but it's nowhere near as creepy as the house that young couple built on the lot over Kenny's farmhouse they were forced to abandon two months after they moved in.

Any gaming urban legends you've heard? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 7 Ways Ghosts Can Haunt You With Technology!

Pixar is, without question, the best collection of filmmakers that operate today. And maybe ever.

Nobody starts out perfect.
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Forbes, among other sources, has the new trailer on display and as usual it's a genius dissection of the subject it tackles. In this case, college. It's Mike and Sully's first day of college, they are roommates, and there is a serious rivalry over who is going to be the scariest.

So far it's not looking too hot for Sully.
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The funniest moment in the preview involves a slug trying to get to class. And I'm sure you can guess what the issue is, but it's just so perfectly executed. And that's Pixar's genius, totally relatable material lampooned in exactly the right way with obvious love. Pixar doesn't just care about its subjects, it cherishes them with the longing we all feel for the moments we have in our memories, or our futures. Or, as in the case of Wall-E or Up it feels great sadness, even anger. Pixar feels as it animates, and you can feel it in response.

Kevin James, on the other hand, clearly hates us.
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So I've talked up the preview a sh*tload. Wanna watch it? Then click below. Be warned, this is the red band trailer for Monsters University. So people who are sensitive to shocking nudity, there is a scene where Sully and Mike in a touching but potentially upsetting display of the pureness of their friendship make love in a tent in the snow.

How do you plan to scare people in college? Let us know in the comments below!

Having a super-famous brother isn't all backstage passes and sloppy seconds. Just ask Jim Belushi. All he did when John Belushi was alive was wait for him to die, and all he does now is play a not funny version of his brother in bad things. Other than that one time he got stuck in a spooky mansion, not much is known about Luigi's life when he's not hanging out with Mario. Today, all that changes.

He Watches Way Too Much TV On Netflix

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Luigi has a lot of free time, which is his excuse for sitting around in his PJs all day and watching entire British TV shows in one sitting. He also claims that the shows he watches are "like, super addicting." His friends aren't sure if he has depression or is just really lazy.

He Picks Up (Then Abandons) New Hobbies

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"I'm really into cooking now," Luigi told me a couple months ago. I was standing in his kitchen as he whisked fresh tarragon into a sauce BŽarnaise. He spent hundreds of coins on books and knives and this giant carrot juicer. Last time I saw him, he told me that now he's really into building models of classic cars while eating spaghetti out of a cup.

He Pretty Much Stalks This One Girl At Starbucks

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Luigi has seen way too many romantic comedies where a guy keeps being weird around a girl until she falls in love with him, so he goes to the same Starbucks every day and forces a smile out of this cutie who works there. She wrote Luigi with little hearts dotting the i's on his cup once, and he thought she was flirting. Because of Luigi and his creepy mustache, she no longer dots her i's with little hearts or trusts men.

Sometimes He Just Lies On His Bed And Stares

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Mostly this is in the morning, when he doesn't have the energy to start his day, or at night, when he feels he hasn't done enough to deserve to get a good night's rest. "My brother is literally hurtling through space right now so that we may all live," he thinks. "And all I had to do today was two loads of laundry but I only did one." He keeps thinking like this until he falls asleep or has to pee.

He Likes 90% Of The Posts He Sees On Facebook

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If you have a lot of Facebook friends in common with Luigi, you'll notice that any time one of them posts a status it says "Luigi likes this" within ten seconds. C'mon, Luigi. There's no way you actually like it when Yoshi posts "lol lickked so many things last nite #yolo #hashtagsonFB." You just hope he'll click on your profile and see how you're doing.

Occasional Charity Work

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Mario gets so many PR requests that there's no way he can make an appearance at all of them. He sends Luigi out to a lot of charity events to keep him busy. Luigi gets really nervous and eats a bunch of mushrooms in his dressing room, then Toad has to remind him that he's giving a speech about banning Bullet Bills in schools.

One Time, He Didn't Leave His Place For Like Ten Days And We All Got Really Worried. Then He Showed Up To Kart Racing Acting Normal And We Pretended It Never Happened.

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I see under your mask, Luigi. Talk to me.

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Check out Things Luigi Could Do To Better Compete With Mario!