I’m tellin’ ya, kids these days grow up way too fast. With each passing day, the line between childhood and adulthood continues to blur; before we know it, fetuses will be poll dancing and toddlers will be defecating in thong diapers. That is, if the manufacturers of these super age-inappropriate kids’ products have their way.
Playground Pimpin’ Onesie
Novelty shirts that imply the wearer is a "baller," "pimp" or "boss" aren't cool when your douchebag brother wears them – under no circumstances are they ever cool – but at least they're age appropriate. People who put their kids in shirts like this should have said kids taken away by the state.
Bratz Doll Costumes
Feminists have found fault with Barbie ever since her launch in 1959. Barbie, however, wasn't designed to be a slut – just a babe, and an adult babe at that. Bratz dolls, on the other hand, are far more insidious (and ire producing) representations of big headed, short skirted, glossy lipped teen girls. Bratz Halloween costumes are Pedobear approved (and, as a result, wholly inappropriate).
Faux Beer For Kids
The Japanese cop a lot of flack for being, like, the weirdest country in the world – it’s hard not to give ‘em even more flack, however, when you encounter a product like beer for children. It’s understandable that kids want to be like their parents...this, however, isn’t really the best way for them to emulate their folks (especially if their family has a history of, cough, alcoholism).
Che Guevara PJs
The only things babies understand are eating and crapping – they certainly don't understand the complexities of the actions of Argentinean Marxist revolutionaries. Although, now that I think of it, neither do the grown-ass men and women who usually wear Che Guevara shirts. At least babies have an excuse.
Ed Hardy For Kids
I normally refrain from saying derogatory things about children – they are just kids, after all. That being said, this kid looks like a total dick. I want to punch him in the face. If I got caught, by defense would be, "I thought he was an adult. A terrible adult." No jury in the world would convict me.
Pot Leaf Costume
If D.A.R.E. taught us anything, it's that smoking pot makes people go insane and eat babies. Which makes this outfit doubly disturbing. Once this kid's stoner parents toke on their devil weed, not only will they eat their young but they'll be tempted to smoke the rest of his remains.
Childhood is the only time of your life when you're blissfully free of responsibility. So why the hell would you want your kid to walk around acting like he's a friggin' real estate agent? The kid in this photo looks like he's already balding – I blame cell phone radiation.
As a heterosexual female, I’d be fine if no one wore bikinis – it’s no skin off my ass, after all. I don’t wear ‘em or like lookin’ at ‘em. I’m rational enough to understand, however, that some women like wearing and looking at them. The operative word in that sentence being ‘women.’
Want to teach your child that image is everything and integrity is nothing at an early age? Buy ‘em designer clothes! Just make sure to spank ‘em when they get juice on their $300 t-shirt...otherwise they’ll never learn!
Seen any other horrifically inappropriate kiddie products lately? Let me know in the comments!