Well, another summer Olympics has come and gone, and what a rousing success it was! I mean, unless you were stuck watching it on NBC, then it was quite the rousing tape-delay! But let's face it: A big part of the appeal of the Olympics is that we get to watch humans do things that no human we know can do. And that's a little sad. I'd to know an Olympian. Hell, I'd like to BE an Olympian. That's why I'd like to see the Olympic committee broaden the array of events they allow in competition. Here now, are 7 Olympic events the average American could excel at.
Netflix Movie Selection
You know how it takes a really long time to find something good to watch on Netflix? This event would pit people from countries around the world in a fierce competition to find something decent to sit through. Automatic Disqualification if you pick some crappy piece of Oscar-bait, like "J. Edgar".
Dunk Competition (With A Children’s Basketball Net)
Adults show off their incredible dunking abilities on the basketball nets that belong to their children!
Putting Off Working Out
A singles competition, each competitor's "routine" consists of reasons not to immediately work out. Low points for things like 'not being able to find your keys', high points for creative excuses like "I'm too concerned about the upcoming election to really put my heart into it."
Jumping For Joy
We're an enthusiastic bunch, Americans (nobody chants "USA!" like Americans!) so why not have an event that harnesses that kind of enthusiasm? Maybe make it a team thing, like a bunch of slobs jumping off the couch, celebrating someone doing something they never could. Points lost for spilled popcorn.
100 M Lack Of Understanding of the Metric System
Us: "400 meters, that's 9 miles, right?"
Criticizing NBC’s Coverage
We'd all get a gold medal, and then have to wait for the next day to watch it on NBC.
What dumb stuff could you do competitively? Let us know in the comments!