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Stuff I Do Now That Would Have BLOWN MY MIND as a Fourth Grader


When you're a kid, you don't have a lot of control over your life. You watch grown ups — your teachers, your parents, your senators — and think that they can do whatever they want all the time, and how GREAT it would be to have that power. Well, I went through that, and I've come out on the other side, shocked at how much awesome stuff I can do in my life! These are the things I'm doing these days that would have blown my mind as a fourth grader.


Play hours and hours of video games at a time

playing video games


When I was in fourth grade, and I had math AND science homework, I knew the entire time that I would have no chance of playing video games that night. Now that I'm an adult, I can spend an entire DAY playing video games if I want. And why not? Is my mom going stop me? She lives in Florida! Is the government going to stop me? It's called the First Amendment, guys. Is the power company going to stop me? Yeah, the power company might stop me. I wonder if my mom will pay my power bill again this month, and also from now.


Own a laptop



I'm aware that I'm amongst the last generation that is going to feel this way, but back in fourth grade, I had a math teacher who had a laptop and he seemed like a god. Now I have a laptop of my own, and it's one of many things, along with staying up late on nights before I have to go to work, that made me realize I am finally in control of my own destiny. I now understand what my math teacher understood. I understand what it is to be God. And apparently God gets really tired on workdays.


Buy a puppy

owning a puppy


When I was growing up, I wanted a dog so bad, but my parents said I couldn't have one. They suspected I would be too impatient to train a dog, but they were wrong. Now, my dog Marcus doesn't bite if you yell "NO" at him over and over and over again like I always see everyone do at tog park. Some say this is because dogs don't understand English. To that, I say, uh, nah. He'll get it. Eventually.


Drive a car anywhere I want to go

car on road


I used to have to ask my mom to drive me wherever I wanted to go. Now I just hop in a car of my OWN and drive. That is, assuming my car is working — it's been doing this thing lately where it overheats and just grinds after I shut it off, trying to cool down. I should probably bring it to the mechanic, but that isn't one of the places I want to go! Let's see if my car can make it to Yogurtland. It's just around the block but it might be the last drive it ever makes.


Not talk to my friends basically ever

sitting alone


Man, I sure did like hanging out with my friends in fourth grade. I wonder what they're up to. I should call them. But what would we talk about? My latest discoveries vis a vis microwave chicken tenders?


Eat pizza for every meal

eating too much pizza


Did you know pizza will come right to your door exactly 45 minutes after you start thinking about it? It's the BEST! I don't have to eat ANYTHING besides pizza anymore if I don't want to! Sure, I've put on a few pounds, but it's my CHOICE to eat pizza every meal, since I'm an adult and I get to make these choices for myself!

Oh my God. How did this happen? How did I get here? Did I really NEED all those limitations? Would the things I'm doing now blow my mind because I had never seen another adult live like this? Maybe the reason is because the adults who live like this don't live long enough for me to see them.

Oh God I have to call my mom and see if I can move back in with her, or I am going to die VERY soon.


What are you doing these days that would've seemed impossible in fourth grade? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Things You Probably Hate But Will Love As An Adult!

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