Whether you’re single or occupied there’s no escaping the pink and red heart shaped vomit this time of year. You could be bitter about it, taking it up with the other lonely hearts of facebook by drunk stalking their exes. Or have eleven coronaries trying to figure out what gift to buy your sweetie to not get you dumped. Or, you could watch these films about how love ain’t always what it’s cracked up to be and call it a day.
Sometimes a person can be choosey in the partners they pick. Or, in the case of May, the body parts.
9. She Devil
I hear they’re making a remake with Lena Dunham and Dakota Fanning. I’ll let you guess who is playing who.
8. The First Wives Club
This film helped my mom get over her divorce from my Dad. Self-love never sucks and neither do any of the leads in the First Wives Club.
The film that made a whole generation conflicted about what they should be taking out of the film (hint: it’s abuse does not equal love not Mark Wahlberg was a stone cold fox back in the day. Side-note: If the fox is stone cold, it probably means it’s dead).
Teeth is the stirring biopic of a young Dame Judi Dench.
5. Fatal Attraction
When people say, “Bitches be crazy” they’re talking about Glen Close in Fatal Attraction. Maybe Glenn Close in general.
Even if everyone lived happily ever after in Closer, the break-up scene between Clive Owen and Julia Roberts is the most intense bare knuckle boxing match you’ll ever see without a single physical punch thrown.
3. Double Indemnity
The film noir all film noir’s crib from. When an unsuspecting man falls for the wrong dame, bodies hit the floor and money isn’t the only “m” word on everyone’s lips (it’s marmoset! Jk, it’s MURDER).
2. War Of The Roses
Love doesn’t just sour in War of the Roses. In this hilarious dark comedy about the dissolution of a once promising marriage, love becomes the acidy spit of the aliens in the Alien franchise.
1. Blue Valentine
If you want to cry with the intensity of a thousand Mufasa death scenes then rent Blue Valentine. Because who doesn’t want to get attached to a heartbreakingly beautiful love only to watch it die over the course of a couple hours?
What is your favorite film about the many splendored suckfests (don’t google) of love? Want to tell me how much you loved (500) Days of Summer? Let’s do that and eat some ice cream together in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter so we can coordinate voodoo dolls.