Performers have been known to make poor career choices, but usually those choices involve their actual careers. But it takes a certain kind of celebrity to go out of their comfort zone and make a complete ass out of themselves in a whole new arena, whether it involves food, cosmetics, panties, or even death…
The Kardashians: Kardashian Kredit Kard
First, let’s try to get past the realization that this product’s initials are “KKK,” which of course we can’t. Second, let’s also try to get past the impossible visual of anyone handing this card over to a cashier or even an ATM machine with anything resembling pride or a direct gaze. And instead let’s concentrate on how this was a prepaid credit card aimed at kids that required a $100 activation fee, cost an additional $10 a month to use, came with a high fee for every time you did use it, and was eventually cancelled because it violated almost every consumer protection law imaginable, even those that usually have to do with poisoned medicine or exploding cars.
Bob Dylan: Victoria’s Secret
In an apparent attempt to create a lucrative synergy between sequined bras and seventysomething-year-old men, Victoria’s Secret commissioned Bob Dylan to record an exclusive CD for the store chain. A CD that equated “hot and heavy” with a harmonica solo and nasal congestion. A CD that came complete with all the Dylan tracks that have long been used by couples who have given up on romance or comprehensible lyrics. A CD that when prominently seen in Victoria’s Secret stores had customers put back the lace tops and camis and just buy some flannel pajamas, no longer able to comprehend the very notion of sex.
Hulk Hogan: Pastamania
What do you do when you’re the biggest star in the World Wrestling Federation? You start selling traditional Italian cuisine with names like “Hulkaroos” and “Hulk-U” and countless other dishes that sound like Drakes cakes or off-brand cereals smothered in marinara sauce. Then you open up a “Pastamania” restaurant in the Mall of America in the understandable belief that if people are willing to consume their weight in cinnamon pretzels between Gap stores then they will certainly want to eat food inspired by getting one’s head smashed into a floor mat repeatedly. Alas, “Pastamania” proved far less a craze than “Hulkamania,” and so Hogan closed up shop in a year to return to his first love, screaming.
Lindsay Lohan: Sevin Nyne
By now making fun of Lindsay Lohan is about as easy as making fun of Lindsay Lohan. (Really, she’s fallen so low she’s her only possible comparison.) So instead of focusing on a once-successful actress trying to make ends meet by selling a tanning spray (the cosmetics equivalent of “Velveeta”) named after two misspelled numbers (most likely because “Sexty Nyne” was already a porn film she was offered) and featuring a formula reportedly stolen from a chemist (a chemist who specializes in spray-on tans, no doubt making his alma mater very proud), lets just applaud her for apparently showing up for her own product launch as indicated in the hopefully non-doctored photo above.
Sylvester Stallone: Pudding
Is there any possible word that more immediately conjures up images of fast-gaining muscle mass—of pure, absolute strength—than “pudding”? Well, perhaps “tea.” Or “biscuit.” Or “Ensure.” And is there any actor today’s young bodybuilders wish to emulate more than the aging star of “Rocky,” “Rambo,” and “The Expendables”? Well, perhaps the aging star of “The Terminator.” Or the aging star of “Die Hard.” Or “The Thing” at age 80. The point is, “Stallone Pudding” is available in a can, and there is no classier way possible to consume one’s nutrients. Well, perhaps out of a trough. Or off a sidewalk. Or wrapped in a brown paper bag that’s fooling no one.
KISS: Coffin
It takes a certain kind of person to think people wish to be buried in the equivalent of an airbrushed van with satin lining and a small pillow. It takes a certain kind of performer to readily agree to have their face and autograph appear on something someone’s elderly relative is going to have to pass by to pay respects before asking what’s with all the demons on the lid. It takes a certain kind of person to pose next to their coffin while using it as a beer cooler. Clearly, Gene Simmons is that person.
Which one do you think is the weirdest? Let us know in the comments!
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