The new year is almost upon us, unless your Chinese or Jewish, I think? I’m not sure, I try to expose myself to as few new cultures as possible. ANYWAY with New Years comes a long standing tradition; the New Year’s Resolution. And with the New Year’s Resolution comes ANOTHER long standing tradition; failing to keep your New Year’s Resolution. But it doesn’t have to be that way, oh no. People just need to be reasonable with what they propose this year. Need some help with what qualifies as “reasonable”? I saw that one coming! Here are The New Year’s Resolutions You Are Most Likely To Keep:
Eat More Pizza
Let’s start with an easy one! Everyone loves pizza, unless you’re one of those mutants who’s born with the birth defect known as “Does Not Enjoy Pizza”, but then your odds of surviving past the age of two are less than one percent. Not only is this resolution easy to keep, it gives you an excuse to eat more pizza.
Do Not Murder Anyone
Now, you probably think that THIS would be the easiest resolution to keep, but that’s exactly what a bunch of murderers would say to cover their tracks. So I’m keeping this one as very easy, but not the most easy.
Get More Sleep
Odds are good that if you’re reading this you’re either a) an insomniac just searching for something, anything to do to take their mind off of the fact that they cannot get to sleep, or b) a lazy sack who’s reading this instead of being productive. This one applies to that second group of people. How hard is it to just spend MORE time sleeping? And, get this, SLEEP IS GOOD FOR YOU! It’s the ultimate life improvement; do less, be healthier. Way to game the system, human body!
Be More Stubborn
”That’s dumb, I’m not going to do that!” you think. “Nice work,” I reply.
Pretend To Listen More
People are boring, thus becoming a better listener is hard. But people like to be listened to. What’s an inconsiderate jerk to do? Meet them halfway, and start holding eye contact without yawning right in people’s faces. BOOM! Instantly you seem like you’re listening. And if they see through your ruse and demand you repeat back to them what they said to you? Angrily tell them how offended you are that they don’t trust you, and then storm off. Instant guilt trip.
Worry About Money Less
Don’t get me wrong, continue to spend money like a trophy wife with a prenup, but simply stop worrying about it! Once you run out, some poor sucker who’s resolution is “Give more money to the needy” will come along and bail you out. I mean, for the first month or two of the year, before they inevitably give up on that resolution.
Do Not Change At All
Here’s a major resolution for you: acknowledge your weaknesses, including your inability to actually stick to any sort of self-improvement, and just pledge to remain the same without the pretenses of making this year the year you “turn it all around”. Be honest with yourself.
What do you plan to not actually change about yourself? Let us know in the comments!