The whole Mayan apocalypse thing has been debunked over and over. It just isn't going to happen. I'm still holding out hope that we'll get to see a really cool apocalypse on December 21, 2012. I know a lot of you are really gung ho for a zombie apocalypse. I really like watching The Walking Dead and zombie movies, but that's one apocalypse that I don't want to be a part of. It's not that it scares me. It's more a smell thing. A zombie apocalypse has got to be the stinkiest apocalypse you could possibly have. No thanks. Here are apocalypses that I hope happen on 12/21/12.
H. P. Lovecraft Giant Aliens
Lovecraft would write stories about these terrible giant species of alien that really wanted to come destroy the earth. We've seen these themes in tons of awesome movies, but it'd be nice to actually see it happen. Hopefully we'll all get to fight them while wearing giant robot suits like in the new Guillermo del Toro film Pacific Rim. I've wanted to fight giant space monsters while wearing a robot suit before I even knew how to walk.
Idiocracy is an apocalypse where everything is done for you, gatorade comes out of the faucets, and the only entertainment is either someone getting hit in the balls or violent death matches. It sounds pretty awesome to me. The one down side is that everyone is so dumb that no one can truly appreciate how awesome their lives are. I would give anything to not have to drink dumb water again! WATER IS FOR TOILETS!
Futurama is one of my favorite TV shows. The episode called "The Late Phillip J. Fry" might be my favorite episode. In it, they get to see tons of apocalypses happen right before their eyes, but are never in any danger because they get to watch it from the comfort and safety of Professor Farnsworth's time machine. There are so many apocalypses in this that it's hard to pick one, but I'm going to have to go with the one with the giraffe overlords.
I love swimming, but I don't have a pool or live close to the ocean so I never get to go. That's why I want to live in Waterworld so bad. Everywhere has an awesome ocean view. The other two best things about Waterworld are that you get to ride jet skits everywhere and you get grow gils behind your ears to breathe underwater. If I had gils, I would never leave the water.
A Boy and His Dog
A Boy and His Dog seems like a pretty normal wasteland apocalypse. Well, except that the main character as played by a young Don Johnson can communicate with his dog telepathically. It gets even weirder when he discovers an underground society that lives in a bizarro version of the 1950's. It turns out that all of the men are infertile so they need Don Johnson to impregnate all of their women. They act like this is some horrible act just because they want to use a giant scary machine to extract all of his manhood. I think Don Johnson was over reacting a bit. It sounds like a pretty sweet job to me.
If Pokemon suddenly came into existence for real, they would pretty much destroy the entire planet within a few days. The best part of this apocalypse is that when someone runs up to you screaming about how an Onix just destroyed their house you get to reply, "Uh, Actually. That was a Steelix. You can tell tell because it was shiny. An Onix would have been a more duller gray. You moron."
I mostly want the Bear City apocalypse to happen because it's so adorable. In Bear City, a meteor wipes out all of the humans and then bears come in and replace everyone. They drive cars, they get in to arguments, and they even go Christmas caroling. Sure. We wouldn't be around to enjoy it, but I would die happy knowing that all of my stuff wasn't just going to go unused. I'm pretty hairy so maybe if I survive, I would be able to blend in with the rest of the bears.
The Mayan Apocalypse
I kind of just want this to happen so everyone can be all like, "I told you so." These crazy people that predict the apocalypse every other year never get to have any fun since the apocalypse never comes. On top of that, everyone always makes fun of them. That makes them seem like kind of an underdog to me, and everyone loves rooting for an underdog. They claim that the world is going to explode or something. I'm hoping for a bunch of ancient Mayan gods showing up to the planet and taking everything out.
How do you plan on spending your last day on earth? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!