All around the world, children are gleefully slitting the throats of British people. That can mean only one of two things: either Assassin's Creed 3 is a new smash hit game or my mind control is working. Since no one is spooning royal jelly into my mouth right now, it's probably the first one. Oh well, a man can dream! Speaking of dreams, here are the things kids who play Assassin's Creed 3 want to be when they grow up:
American Soldier
Many of the kids who play Assassin's Creed 3 aren't even American. It doesn't matter. Short of the time Ronald Reagan won the Cold War by pinning Gorbachev with the People's Elbow, playing this game is the most American thing anyone has ever done, and doing so will make kids want to shoot people from other countries.
Video Game Designer
"Golly!" say the children, "I sure do love these next-generation weather simulations!" They claw at their screens, full of wonder at the detailed snowflake rendering. Thousands if not millions of tykes will spend years of their lives indoors, getting so good at math that they make even better snowflakes when their time has come. And I say God bless them one and all.
Voice Actor
If you are under the age of 45 and your voice already sounds all gravelly and intense, you are probably destined for a life of voice acting. Live it up, Assassin's Creed 3 fans with gravelly voices: one day, you will be paid lots and lots of money to whisper into microphones and not even need to shower because no one can see you. There are few things in this world more beautiful than the wide eyes of a child who has just realized that one day he will come to work in a bathrobe.
British Soldier
There's one in every class! These are the kind of kids who loudly talk about how they believe in something unpopular and start half of their sentences with "ACTUALLY." Let them have their way. They are people too, even though none of them will survive the invasion of Great Britain that America will mount when the kids from #1 turn 18.
Something Else
Some kids will play Assassin's Creed 3 and think that, instead of growing up to kill and/or entertain one another, they should one day earn a living doing something else. These kids are mysteries, as everybody knows that being famous or killing people are the only things anyone should ever grow up to do. If you come across one of them, try to entertain him. If that doesn't work, you know what you must do.
Would you rather be on a reality show or get paid to kill people different than you? Let us know in the comments!
