Man, I am old. And it stinks. Not literally, but in the much worse figurative sense, where I can’t deal with the stench with a simple air freshener. Things change as you get old, and it’s hard to deal with, so that’s why I have come with a HORRIBLE WARNING FROM THE FUTURE! Kids, take heed, because I have compiled for you a list of the Things That Aren’t The Same Once you Become An Adult:
Life being as dull as it is, by the time you become an adult you have consumed hours and hours of both film and television. And after watching that much of the stuff, you will come to the same conclusion as everyone else: SEEN IT! It’s depressing to come to the conclusion that there are only so many stories to tell, and you will been told all of them by some bad CBS-cop procedural.
Oh, you thought it was hard when your disappointment came from not getting what you want on Christmas? It’s a lot worse when your disappointment comes from discovering you’re probably going to go bankrupt from all the gifts you had to buy for your myriad of unappreciative nieces and nephews (or, God forbid, your own horrible children).
I know sports always carry a risk when you play them, but playing sports as a grown man who doesn’t have to play mandatory sports once a day carries a MUCH higher risk of injury. One time I hurt myself stretching. Yes, I hurt myself doing the activity you do to stop yourself from getting hurt. Super smooth.
Birthdays are a big deal when you’re a kid. Presents, cake, mandatory attention from your friends. And a lot of people continue to demand that kind of attention into adulthood, and they often still get it. But here’s where the change is: Everyone resents you, on a deep true level, for making them pretend to care about something literally every single person celebrates. You didn’t die for a year! Congratulations, you achieved the same goal as everyone else who is not dead right now.
Oh, is the weather great outside? Well, that’s of no benefit to you, because you’re stuck inside at your crappy job.
Growing up, you’re two types of kids: 1. The kid who can eat anything and put on no weight, or 2. The kid who is big and everyone always makes them feel bad about it because people don’t understand nutrition and genetics. Bad news for both of you! Kid 1. You will lose your metabolism and discover that you can now very quickly put on weight, and on the weirdest parts of your body. Kid 2. You will have such lifelong food issues you will never enjoy it again. Woo-Hoo!
Remember how great it was as a kid to just stop, do nothing, and chill out? When you become an adult, any joy from no activity goes right out the window. There’s too much to do, you have to live your life, where did these extra fifteen pounds come from AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!
Why can’t I just look back and enjoy things? Let us know in the comments!