Scrooge? The Grinch? The Imaginary War On Christmas? Amateurs. If you want real Holiday Humbuggery (that didn’t sound right), then this is the list for you. Now, while some of the best Christmas films skew dark like Home Alone, Scrooged, Christmas Vacation, and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Out list is comprised of holiday films where the characters don’t exactly learn lessons or feel cheery as much as bleed out (or wish that they could). Here are 12 of the least spirited Christmas movies to drown out the carolers with blood curdling screams, explosions and extremely naughty behavior.
Bad Santa
There’s a lot to love about this coal hearted comedy classic but the most admirable part is that Billy Bob Thornton’s character never stops being a jerk. He just becomes a jerk in the service of others. So it’s less a character arc as much as a character lateral.
Black Christmas
Without Black Christmas we would never have the Halloween or Friday the 13th series’ and I would be able to sleep without a butter knife next to my bed…you never know when you’ll need to butter toast for a psychotic assailant.
Die Hard
One day I’d like Die Hard to replace A Christmas Story on 24hour rotation on a cable network during Christmas. Nothing says Christmas like dismantling foreign terrorists while barefoot like a boss.
Rare Exports
I stumbled on this Finnish film on Netflix last year and it’s the perfect thing to turn on after the five thousandth rendition of Sleigh Ride you hear.
Go
Fast paced with a great late 90s time capsule soundtrack and cast, Go is the best film yet to capture how the young, the bored and the broke deal with the holidays.
Jack Frost
No, I don’t mean the horror film of the same name. I specifically mean the Michael Keaton starring suckfest about a father who dies around Christmas and is cruelly brought back to life as a Snowman because why not?
Brazil
For those who believe Christmas is purely a consumerist holiday driven by a need to replace feelings with goods and distractions as you struggle to survive the banality of your meaningless drone like existence, Brazil is the holiday film for you. It wont exactly make you feel better but it certainly couldn’t make you feel worse.
The Ref
Just like in my family, if the night doesn’t end with one parent in tears, lots of yelling and someone tied up then it just wasn’t Christmas.
Silent Night, Deadly Night
If you’ve seen one Killer Santa film you’ve seen them all…and I’ve seen them all. And this one is tops.
Trading Places
The message of Trading Places still holds up in this era of uncertainty and financial chaos. And that message is that Eddie Murphy was once a bankable comedy star… low hanging ornament, apologies.
Batman Returns
The thrilling story of the baby Bruce Wayne who one day grows up to be the savior Gotham needs and the alternative lyric to Jingle Bells the world deserves.
Gremlins
I swore Gremlins was a horror movie until maybe a couple years ago, and after hearing Phoebe Cates talk about Christmas above I’m still not entirely sure I’m wrong.
Which Bah-humbug movie is your favorite? Did we miss any that follow the guideline above? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!
