He’s at the airport, waiting for his flight to Duluth. He’s at the mall, surrounded by someone else’s shopping bags. He’s at McDonald’s, creepin’ on their free wifi. He’s an old man. And he’s got an iPad. Why the hell does he have an iPad? What the hell does he do with it? Allow me to explain.
Erased in Error
He accidentally deletes emails from his grandchildren and gets violently, irrationally upset as a result – he’s broken the screen of his iPad so many times, he’s on a first-name basis with the "Geniuses" at the Apple Store. (His first name’s Gary, in case you were wondering.)
Solitaire's Just Another Word for Alone
He plays solitaire. All day, every day. No Minesweeper, no chess, no Bejeweled Blitz – just solitaire. He bought a $500 piece of electronic equipment solely for the purposes of playing solitaire. (WHY I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE: My very own grandmother owns an iPad solely for the purposes of playing solitare. I could have purchased 100 Hot-N-Ready pizzas with all that wasted dough.)
He takes dozens of self-portraits of himself making annoying-ass duck faces in Apple Photo Booth, then uploads said portraits to his Myspace profile. Why Myspace, you ask? ‘Cause he stopped paying attention to pop culture around 2009, but still desperately wants to appear relevant. So his grandkids will respect him.
He watches old man porn, a.k.a. PBS documentaries about "The Greatest Generation," The Great Depression, and old-timey candy. Which, I guess, is better than watching real porn in public. But infinitely less exciting for all parties involved.
He looks up directions to the local bingo hall, then promptly drives his 1985 Buick Regal to said bingo hall (in spite of the fact that his cataracts are getting worse and he really shouldn’t be driving anywhere). It makes sense – he bought the iPad with his mad bingo winnings, after all.
He Googles heartbreaking questions like "Why don't my grandchildren call me?" and “Is Dolores looking down on me from Heaven?”, then stares out the window until the sun goes down. Afterwards, he makes himself some condensed soup. In the microwave.
Old Man, Young Pets
He watches videos of kittens and puppies frolicking and regrets never giving his children the love and support they truly needed. Denise? He’s sorry, Denise. If he could take it all back, he would.
He clicks every single pop-up ad he sees because he thinks that's how you crazy kids play Angry Birds. That is how you crazy kids play Angry Birds, right?
What are YOU gonna busy yourself with when you’re old as hell? Let us know in the comments!