On November 16, The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 will be released in theaters and the young women of America will have to find their abusive relationship fiction elsewhere. Let me be the first person to ever say this: The relationships in the Twilight movies set horrible examples for what women should expect from men. Female readers (readettes?), it is not not your fault if you have been brainwashed into enjoying Twilight. I sincerely hope that mocking these insane Twihards will make you realize that the media is doing bad things to your heads. Here are the strangest Twilight fans:
This Woman Who Sleeps With An Edward Cullen Pillow
Short of murdering Robert Pattinson and bedding with his corpse, this pillow is the closest you can come to sleeping next to Edward Cullen: it is cold, bloodless, and incapable of showing love. Oh, right, and it's creepy as hell. I get it, lady, sometimes we all get lonely. But why can't you do what other people do and go out with someone you don't like? It worked for every girl I've ever dated!
This Overweight Person With a Bad Tattoo
Far be it from me to make fun of someone for being overweight- my body type could be charitably described as "an oil tanker packed with pumpkin pie filling." I see two problems here. #1: tattoos are supposed to highlight your best features. If cottage cheese thighs are this genderless person's best features, I recommend bringing Athena's mirrored gorgon shield. #2 is this tattoo sucks.
Whoever Made This Terrifying Maze
Thanks for bringing a whole new sad meaning to "getting lost in Edward's eyes", scary person with access to maze-cutting equipment! You need to own lots and lots of sharp things to cut a garden maze of this size. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
I am a full grown adult human male. If I were to scream with excitement over a movie about shirtless teen girls, I would be taken to jail and touched a lot. I realize that men complaining about gender double standards is infuriatingly backward. I also realize that full grown adult human females screaming about shirtless teen boys IS STILL NOT OKAY. This is especially true because the books' depiction of gender relations is sexist and centuries out of date. Young women haven't learned a lot of things yet, and so can be forgiven for not getting this. Adults can't.
Whomever's Blood This Is
Granted: I have no evidence that this is real blood. But someone was definitely trying to make it look like blood, which is almost as bad. Here is a list of jokes I wrote about this image because I dislike it too much to think about it anymore:
-Last time someone cared this much about a book, John Lennon died.
-Saying a dead character is your life is another way of saying you don't have one.
-When she said Edward was inside of her, this is NOT what I had in mind.
Please don't hurt me.
Do you believe that the young women of America deserve better? Let us know in the comments!