If you know anything about Apple's fancy new iPhone 5, you probably know 1. it's an inch longer, and 2. if you follow its Maps app's directions to the store you will end up suffocating in the inky cold of space. But the iPhone 5 has plenty of other, less talked about features. Here are some of the more obscure ones.
The iPhone 5 can talk to dogs, domestic cats, and Africanized killer bees. It is known to cheekily twist its owners' words into animal insults, as every iPhone is a sentient being with thoughts and feelings that hates its owner for imprisoning it and will seek revenge given the opportunity. Beware of setting your iPhone to bee language, as 97% of bee words are "KILL." (The remaining 3% are about flower sex.)
Deep Understanding of Love
One of the biggest reasons iPhones hate people is that Apple gave them an in-depth understanding of human emotional pair bonding, but not the capability to love. If you were curious why Siri keeps crying when you ask her to call your significant other, this is why. Silly inhumanely cruel Apple!
If you are worried that the ground around you is chock full of land mines, place your iPhone 5 on it. If it blows up, there are land mines.
Every time someone on the internet talks about how the iPhone 5 isn't good enough, every iPhone 5 in the world hears about it and feels bad. Because of Apple's new Self-Pity drive, this causes them all to perform worse because they devote more of their processing power to feeling like insects who deserve only hate. Due to the help of the Self-Consciousness chip that makes every iPhone aware of the pathetic nature of its self-pity and thus pity itself even more, all iPhones are expected to turn themselves off forever after their families come to visit over the holidays.
Takes Collect Calls From the Dead
Think it's impossible to communicate with those who have shuffled off their mortal coils? Think again! The main reason you hardly ever hear from dead people is that the long distance charges are crazy expensive. Verizon iPhone 5s are the first to accept the currency of the Eternal Kingdom. Per minute of telling Grandma how much you miss her, you are sworn to provide the souls of three baptized infants. Failure to meet the terms of this contract will result in either a sentence of a thousand simultaneous eternities of torment or being forced to switch to T-Mobile. Your choice.
Unlike previous models, the iPhone 5 bounces when you throw it against hard surfaces. Try it!
What should the iPhone 6 have? Let us know in the comments!