How many times have you played a video game only to pass by, shoot, or repeatedly run over some unnamed extra without thinking twice about who they are or what they think about their job? Well, today you finally get a glimpse at the people who make your games more exciting by either filling up dead space or accidentally walking into your line of fire.
Mario Kart Wii
Character’s Name: Lou Jenkins, Racetrack Seat Filler
Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I must have watched over ten million races by now, doing nothing but jump up and down like a hopped-up Fisher Price Little Person and staring at what is basically rush hour traffic for lunatics. Now I know why NASCAR fans are always drunk. Plus, sometimes all the cars suddenly shrink for no reason and I can’t see a damn thing. Seriously, it’s like watching bits of gravel race. That’s when I just zone out and imagine having sex with either Princess Daisy or Princess Peach.”
Assassin’s Creed III
Character’s Name: Neville Wellington, British Infantryman
Character’s Thoughts on Role: “Eighteenth century British soldiers aren’t trained to fight assassins! We’re trained to attack slowly in straight lines, fire once, and then graciously wait for the other side to return fire. Often we offer our enemy a warm scone or engage them in a most festive afternoon of whist or silhouette portraitures between musket reloadings. But then this horrid beast of a man sneaks up under cover of darkness and slits all our throats, leaving us to desperately gurgle, ‘But…but we made you Devonshire cream and HobNobs!’”
Grand Theft Auto
Character’s Name: Officer John Kapowski
Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I’ve been walking this beat for over ten years, and in that time I’ve come to one inescapable conclusion—everyone is a sick *@#%. Especially the little kids. No one ever comes to this town to take in a show or do some fine dining. It’s like all their Frommer’s travel guides just say, ‘Steal a cop car, do a few drive-by shootings, and bang some hookers. Then maybe go to the theater…and blow it up.’ Every day I thank God I’m just three days away from retirement. But then someone else starts a game and I go right back to day one.”
Character’s Name: PX361, Fourth Wave Invader
Character’s Thoughts on Role: “I never liked my design because it always looked like I was waving two little arms as if I were constantly surrendering. Worse, our offensive tactic was basically the longest country-music line dance in history, minus the music or even the cool boots. Sometimes you just wanted to scream at the player to kill you already and end the misery. But that was before video game voice technology, so I just had to wait patiently to die.”
The Legend of Zelda
Character’s Name: Danny Tuscadero, Octorok
Character’s Thoughts on Role: “Most of my life has been spent in utter confusion, being a sea creature who lives on land and shoots rocks that can be easily deflected. But the most annoying thing is that I never have any time to myself! Wherever I go, three or four other Octoroks follow! I want to go get something to eat, they’re right behind me. I have to go to the bathroom, suddenly six of us are sharing a toilet. Everyone keeps saying it’s a classic military maneuver, but frankly I can’t wait to get the hell out of Hyrule, rent my own apartment in the city, and maybe try my hand at stand-up comedy.”
Character’s Name Lara Gezelter, Bowler in Next Lane
Character’s Thoughts on Role “I…I just want to go home. I’ve been bowling for six years and haven’t been allowed to leave this alley once. I miss my family. I never even get to see my own score. If I’m being held prisoner here then someone please tell me for what crime. I just want to stop bowling. I just want my life back again or at least take a trip to Wii Resort.”
Who is your favorite little known video game character? Let us know in the comments below!
Check out 20 Examples Of Video Game Logic!