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Download SMOSH's Pen15 Song!


If you watched the smosh video Secret Club Revealed, you remember Ian looked like a badass.

smosh PEN15 song download

You also remember the rocking anthem of awesomeness, the PEN15 SONG. That rock now can be YOURS, just by clicking the download link below.

Apple Has Begun Production On The iPad Mini?


According to some squealers in the supply chain, production has already begun on Apple's long-rumored iPad Mini, the Wall Street Journal reports. This teeny little iPad is said to have a 7.85 inch diagonal screen and a slightly smaller resolution than the current iPad's 2048 x 1536 display.

And remember, Apple wouldn't release a product that would just be thought of as a lesser version of an already existing product, so expect the iPad Mini to have another great feature for Apple to talk about. Given how thin and light the retina Macbook Pro and iPhone 5 have become, many are suspecting the iPad Mini will feature an extremely light form factor. Will Apple have to remind consumers not to use the iPad Mini while eating chips and queso?

ipad mini size
You do not want to accidentally dip your iPad Mini in queso.

The iPad Mini is expected to be priced in the 299 and 349 range. Can you imagine? An iPad for 300 dollars? That's INSANE. If this comes to fruition you'll be able to stock up on them — leave a few iPads on the coffee table for guests. Use them to fix wobbly tables. Throw them at intruders, maybe.

air mattress
This air mattress is about to be stuffed with iPad Minis.

While the iPad Mini might not be right for you — maybe you're satisfied with your iPhone, Macbook, or even, bleuch, Android phone — there is certainly a market for smaller, less expensive tablets, as shown by the success of Amazon's Kindle Fire HD and Google's Nexus 7. Apple wants to get all up in those markets, and have an iPad available for eveyone in the world. For example, say you wanted to get an iPad TODAY — what is there for you if you're a baby, or a small pet? That's right, NOTHING.

baby hedgehog
Finally an iPad for you, little guy!

It's been said that 299 is the psycological sweet spot, pricing-wise, for people to be convinced that an iPad is something they can afford. If that's true, soon we'll see EVERYONE with iPads. Moms. Scientists. Farmers. Jugglers. Even homeless people.

homeless guy with iPad
So make sure you judge any homeless guy with an iPad now, while you still can.

Are you as excited as I am for the iPad Mini? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Microsoft Tablet to Take On the iPad!

20 Harry Potter Books J.K. Rowling Wrote for Adults


Now that J.K. Rowling has written her first adult novel, it’s time she revisits her famous series and continues the more mature adventures of Harry and his friends now that they’re middle-aged parents.


harry potter adult handcuffs ron hermione


harry potter adult fanged geranium longbottom


harry potter adult older draco malfoy scam


harry potter adult luna lovegood actress book


harry potter adult ron weasley old book


harry potter adult cho chang actress cover


harry potter adult too many cats hagrid


harry potter adult harry ginny failed test


harry potter adult dursleys staircase cover


harry potter adult magic wand cover


harry potter adult emma Watson cover


harry potter adult ginny harry potter older


harry potter adult lightning bolt scar cover


harry potter adult casual vacancy cover deatheater


harry potter adult golden snitch cover


harry potter adult harry potter sneezing cover


harry potter adult going out business potter


harry potter adult shovel dirt ron weasley


harry potter adult older Hermione harry cover


harry potter adult defense dark arts lab


Which one was the best? Let us know in the comments!


Check Out 20 Hilariously Awkward Parent Autocorrects!

Very Best Of FMLife — SLAP Edition


FML Banner

Literally everyone getting slapped in the face in the following FML stories one hundred percent deserved their slap in the face.


How it should work

slap in the face

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML








Romantic interest? NONE.

little girl slapToday, I was slapped by a fourteen-year-old girl because I was apparently "stealing her boyfriend." I'm twenty-five, and her boyfriend is my nephew. FML








Many confuse "being casual" with "being an idiot"

meeting dateToday, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML








spider paint on cheek

Today, I was washing my hands in the bathroom when I looked up and saw a spider on my cheek. Panicking, I slapped myself in the face as hard as I could to kill it. Turns out the spider was on the mirror. FML








drinking apple juiceToday, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML







No one else is lovin' it

mcdonalds high fiveToday, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML






Some men just want to watch the world burn

reading on the subwayToday, I was quietly reading in the subway, when all of a sudden, at a station, the man sitting next to me stood up, slapped me, yelled "Bitch!", and rushed off the train. FML








Not that different, ultimately


Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML









hair on fire

Today, I accidentally set my hair on fire while lighting a cigarette. I panicked and put it out by slapping myself in the face. FML









Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML








For more, check out FMyLife.com!


Check out last week's Best Of FMyLife!

Teen Turns Herself into Living Anime Girl


Ukrainian teen Anastasiya Shpagina is one of those people that you hate at Halloween parties — her costume is so perfect it shines a spotlight on the fact that your costume is actually uninspired.

boardwalk empire halloween
EVERYONE is going as the phantom guy from Boardwalk Empire, you dullard.

Anastasiya Shpagina has mastered the art of turning herself into a living cartoon. With some intricate makeup, the 19-year-old makes her eyes hugge — like ANIME huge — and turns her once organic, human nose into a series of sharp right angles. And it's creepy. So creepy! Look at how creepy it is!

anime human
anime human
Here I thoguht cartoons only existed in cartoon worlds like Duckberg
or the world under the golf course from Space Jam.


What I don't get, though, is WHY Anastasiya Shpagina does this. Is it just for the love of looking like the cartoons she adores? She isn't being sponsored by a makeup company or, even worse, a lonely billionaire, is she? I mean, she has ton of Facebook Likes, so I guess there's that. It's probably not the weirdest thing anyone's ever done for Facebook Likes. That distinction probably goes to this pic:

dog riding horse
Who even THINKS to dress their dog up like Mitt Romney's wife?

But here's the danger Anastasiya Shpagina has brought upon herself: If every day is Halloween, then NO day is Halloween. It's the only day you get to dress up as a mummy, sexy meer maid, or, if it's 2008, The Dark Knight Joker. But if you dress up like that every day, you RUIN that experience. It's fun to dress up as these things because they're characters that you ARE NOT. If you're dressing up every day, then that costume becomes who you ARE. And Anastasiya Shpagina isn't a cartoon — she's a human being. At least, I'm pretty sure she is. I can't be certain anymore.

living cartoon face
Yeah. Totally human... right? I mean, at her core?

You can learn how to do this crazy thing to yourself with some of the tutorials on Anastasiya's Facebook page, if that's your sort of thing. Is that your sort of thing? If so, what is the DEAL with it? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Japanese Company Creates a Tail That Wags When You Get Happy!

Political Candidate Under Attack for Playing World of Warcraft?!


Colleen Lachowicz, a Democratic candidate for the Maine state senate, is being attacked for spending time in the world of Azeroth. Yes, the state's Republican party has launched ColleensWorld.com, a website that paints Lachowicz as unfit for public service because she plays World of Warcraft.

colleen warcraft character
This is not going to play well with her Alliance constituents.

The site goes on to present facts about Lachowicz's WoW usage, saying "an orc assassination rogue playing at level 85–the highest level one can attain" as though it's some dirty secret of hers and that you should be appalled to hear.

Lachowicz has responded, saying “I think it’s weird that I’m being targeted for playing online games. Apparently I’m in good company since there are 183 million other Americans who also enjoy online games. What’s next? Will I be ostracized for playing Angry Birds or Words with Friends? If so, guilty as charged!” And while her point is well made, I would love to see an Angry Birds political attack.

angry birds screenshot
"If elected, will Colleen Lachowicz shoot herself at the structures that hold up our economy?"

But we shouldn't vilify candidates for playing video games — we should ENCOURAGE them to play video games. Are you gonna tell me President Obama wouldn't have been much liver in Wednesday's debates if he'd put in some time playing Halo beforehand?

obama debate
"Let me be clear. I would have had gotten more kills had that stupid
p*ssy not used that stupid p*ssy shotgun, like, the whole game."


This is dangerous thinking, however, from the Maine GOP. It casts video gamers as immature, that somehow playing a game — nay, enjoying an art form — makes you less of a person. But that kind of thinking is flat-out wrong and works to dehumanize people for loving something. But the games we play have nothing to do with our job qualifications, and to suggest otherwise is disparaging to an entire art form. An art form that is ultimately no better or worse than film, literature, theater (with an "er"), theatre (with an "re"), or ballet.

Okay, it might be a little better than ballet.

ballet achievement
At least until ballet gets an Achievements patch.

Do you think a candidates' choice in video game should decide if they're fit for office? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Video Games Our Former Presidents Would Play!

Power Rangers Cast: Where Are They Now?


At some point in the second season of Power Rangers, for some reason, Jason, Trini, and Zach just up and LEFT. They got, like, an internship to go work in the rain forest or something. Of course, in the real world, it was a way to get rid of the self-important actors who played Jason, Trini, and Zach. They were asking for a pay increase when their job literally consisted of pouring smoothies on Bulk and Skull and pretending to talk to a giant head in a tube. They deserved to be paid in donuts and Olive Garden gift certificates. In any event, this weird event inspired me to follow the Power Rangers AFTER they were Power Rangers, and soon it trickled into their real lives. Here are what some of the real-life Power Rangers, and some of the Power Ranger's friends, are doing today.


Austin St. John, the original Red Ranger

original red ranger


The original Red Ranger, Jason, was my favorite. How could he not be? Besides being the Power Rangers' leader, he was strong, steadfast, and best of all, a HERO. So what is he up to today?

austin st john today


Today, Austin St. John is a firefighter and emergency medical technitian in Washington DC. So still a hero, but less of a leader and more of a cog in the machine of heroes. This is how a lot of our careers turn out — we have a dream as a kid which is CLOSE to what we really want to do, but slightly shifted. Like how when I was a kid and wanted to be a professional wrestler and am I making my living by pretending to be hit by cars, faking injuries, and suing the drivers.


Michael Copon, the Blue Ranger from Power Rangers: Time Force

Michael Copon blue ranger


I never watched Power Rangers: Time Force, but the Blue Ranger was a huge nerd in the original Power Rangers, so I'm just going to assume this guy's a huge nerd too.

Michael Copon dj


These days, Michael Copon is a DJ for a Christian Rock station in Virginia Beach, Virginia. So while he might LOOK cool with his leather jackets and Jesus crosses and iPod Classics, we all know what Michael Copon REALLY is — a chess playin', pocket protectin', bow-tie sportin', inhaler breathin' NERD. And again, I make this asumption based on essentially zero evidence.


Anna Hutchison, the Yellow Ranger from Power Rangers: Jungle Fury

anna hutchison yellow ranger


As the Yellow Ranger in Power Rangers: Jungle Fury, Anna Hutchison played the yellowest, jungle furiest Power Ranger to date!

Seriosuly though. JUNGLE FURY? Have the Power Rangers producers given up ANY coherency? Do they just pick two words to go after "Power Rangers" in their title? How far away are we from Power Rangers: Disco Hotsauce?

anna hutchison today


But despite being in the stupidest named Power Rangers series yet, Anna Hutchison might be the most successful former Ranger. I say this only because she was in The Cabin in the Woods, an awesome movie with an interesting, logical, well-built mythology. Unlike Power Rangers, who had a movie that made literally no sense. Like, Ivan Ooze's henchmen failed to kill the Power Rangerts, and then asked him if they should take another crack at it. He said "why don't you take another quack at it" and then killed them. How dare ANYONE write that?


David Yost, the original Blue Ranger

original red ranger


David had a VERY long run on Power Rangers, playing Billy, the Blue Ranger for Four Seasons without even changing his ranger color.

austin st john today


A few years ago, Yost came out as gay, and even alleged that he left Power Rangers due to harassment on the set. Besides being active in California’s NOH8 campaign to keep same-sex marriage legal, he’s also worked behind the camera as a segment producer on shows like The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills.


Richard Steven Horvitz, voice of Alpha 5

alpha 5


Alpha 5 was straight up the worst character in Power Rangers. Whenever ANYTHING monster-related happened, he would lose his goddamn MIND. "Ay yi yi yi yi! Rita Repulsa's monster is HUGE!" You'd think after six or seven times he'd learn to just send a sword to a giant robot and relax. Would that we ALL could solve our problems by sending a sword to a giant robot!

Richard Steven Horvitz zim


Horvitz continued voice acting, playing hundreds of characters including Zim on Invader Zim, and Billy on The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy. So great job, Richard Steven Horvitz, you really broke out of the old "Playing a short comic relief robot character" curse that has plauged Hollywood since the guy who played R2-D2 murdered all those hookers.


Johnny Yong Bosch, Black then Green Ranger on various Power Ranger shows

yong bosch ranger


Playing the second Black Ranger, Adam Park, Johnny Yong Bosch took over a role after the much-beloved original black Ranger, Walter Emanuel Jones left Mighty Morphin Power Rangers to host the Nickelodeon game show Nick Arcade.

Oh, wait, no. He didn't do that. I'm just a racist.

yong bosch today


Today, Johnny Yong Bosch is a professional voice actor, working on animes like, Bleach, Code Geass, Naruto, Trigun and Samurai Champloo. Now, you may be surprised to see a second voice actor on the list. I was too, so I went to see how many other former Rangers went into voice acting. Turns out, the answer is BASICALLY EVERYONE ELSE WHO EVER AHD A ROLE ON POWER RANGERS. Seriously, like, 98 percent of that shows actors are voice actors now, which means either Power Rangers was just an ad hoc show made so the interns at a voice-acting company had something to do with themselves or it's a show that walks in two worlds — a live action show for actors who are charismatic but not necessarily attractive enough to have their faces looked at by people.


Jason Narvy, Skull (of Bulk & Skull)

Jason Narvy skull


As half of the villainous-ish duo Bulk and Skull, Jason Narvy played one of the weirdest characters in Power Rangers. He and Paul Schrier's Bulk were bullies, but they were also the only non-Power Ranger characters I believe we ever saw on the show, meaning that BULK AND SKULL WERE THE EMBODIMENT OF THE PEOPLE THE RANGERS WERE FIGHTING FOR. No wonder we were all rooting for Lord Zedd to win. Also we were all rooting for Lord Zedd because he looked cool.

Jason Narvy teacher


I was shocked to find this out, but nowadays Jason Narvy is a legit drama professor, teaching at Concordia University, Chicago. And his class is tough, too — his students have to walk in to class to goofy tuba music or they're told to get the HELL OUT.


The guy who played Zordon



I tried really hard to find out what happened to David Fielding, the actor who played Zordon, but the original actor's wiki page actually links to the character Zordon's wiki page. This is, of course, the biggest bummer of all time.

Thùy Trang, the original Yellow Ranger

Thuy Trang yellow ranger


Finding this out in my research was a major major bummer, but Thùy Trang, the first yellow ranger, died in a tragic car accident in  2001. RIP Yellow Ranger. 


Jason David Frank, The original Green Ranger

tommy green ranger


The Green Ranger started out as a bad guy, but somehow he became a good guy, probably from being out-karated by the Red Ranger or something. Whatever. At one point the Power Rangers got new Zords by going to, like, the ZORD DESERT. So don't concern yourself too much with the plot details — the writers sure as sh*t didn't. So what's the Green Ranger doing today?

green ranger mma


He is a goddamn MMA FIGHTER. Like, a real-life MMA fighter. And while Jason David Frank has an impressive record of 5-0, it's mostly because his opponents are so disconcerted when they punch him and his chest shoots out sparks.


Which Power Ranger do you think came out of Power Rangers least scathed? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Mighty Smoshin Power Rangers!

Gangnam Style: What it Actually Means!


As of right now, the music video for Korean rapper Psy’s “Gangnam Style” has 357,448,882 YouTube views. It’s been parodied countless times, up to and including “Hitler Style”. In spite of the fact that it’s almost entirely performed in Korean, it’s become a bona fide pop culture phenomenon. Ever wondered what the hell the lyrics were actually about, though? Allow me to explain.


The Dude Who Wrote It

gangnam style what it means psy


Psy, short for “Psycho,” has has been a successful artist for 12 years in his native South Korea. He was raised near Gangham, an upper-class neighborhood in Seoul. Even though he's from there, he isn't REALLY Gangnam style – he's chubby, quirky and (by his own testimony) a little "weird." He was once arrested for smoking pot (ooh, scandalous!).


The Neighborhood It's About

gangnam style what it means gangnam neighborhood


“Gangnam Style” is a social commentary on South Korea’s newly rich population and Gangnam, the place many of ‘em call home. Only one percent of the population of Seoul lives there. Gangnam, full of trendy boutiques and meeting places, is their playground – the rest of the country, however, looks at Gangham’s residents derisively.


A Normal Seoul Neighborhood

gangnam style what it means normal seoul neighborhood


The average apartment in Gangham costs $716,000, an amount that the average South Korean household would have to work 18 years to save up. Gangham looks like your typical upper-class urban neighborhood – the other 99 percent of Seoul residents, however, live in way less fancypants surroundings.


Stores in Gangnam

gangnam style what it means stores in gangnam


All of the major players in luxury goods are located on Gangham’s Rodeo Street, the district’s equivalent of Beverly Hills’ Rodeo Drive. If you need a Louis Vuitton bag or a Cartier bracelet, this is your zone. There’s also a ton of expensive clubs and restaurants to see and be seen in.


Stores in the Rest of Seoul

gangnam style what it means normal seoul stores


If you need some room temperature meat or bootleg electronics, go ANYWHERE BUT GANGNAM. The rest of the city has got your back.


Gangnam Coffee Shops

gangnam style what it means coffee shops


In Gangham, coffee shops are the go-to spots to sit in and look cool. in In the song, Psy claims to be on the hunt for “A girl who is warm and humanly during the day / A classy girl who knows how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of coffee.” He emphasizes that he’s “A guy who is as warm as you during the day / A guy who one-shots his coffee before it even cools down.” His lyrics mock the coffee culture and the people who use it to display their status.


Gangnam Girls

gangnam style what it means gangnam girls


Psy isn’t your typical, looks-driven Gangnam guy. To him, a sexy lady is one who “who looks quiet but plays when she plays / A girl who puts her hair down when the right time comes / A girl who covers herself but is more sexy than a girl who bares it all / A sensible girl like that.” His progressive, non-tacky and non-consumerist attitude is the complete opposite of most Gangnam residents. After all, he’s “A guy who has bulging ideas rather than muscles.”


Are you shocked that “Gangnam Style” isn’t completely stupid? Let me know in the comments!


Check Out The 30 Funniest Reactions To “Gangnam Style”!

6 Reasons NOT To Buy An iPhone 5


How many of you guys got a new toy last week? That’s cool. Can I play with it? For the rest of us mere mortals, here are some reasons NOT to buy the iPhone 5.


Those Samsung Commercials

If you’ve been watching TV at all this fall, chances are you’ve seen some pretty intense attack ads. No, not Romney vs. Obama (what channel are YOU watching?); I’m talking about Samsung vs. Apple! So mean! Who knew Samsung wanted to throw down? I’m still not going to buy a Samsung, but you have to give them points for trying.


You Prefer Hardcover Books To Softcover Books

no iphone books comparison


The same people who are still shelling out the mega-bucks for hardcover books will be the ones who don’t like the iPhone 5’s lighter design. “I need to feel like I’m holding something,” they’ll sniff. Then we’ll all laugh at them because they’re still buying paper books.


You Don’t Like People Looking At You

The iPhone 5 is not for those with social anxiety. Once you whip out this adult-version-of-the-royal-blue-elephant-Beanie-Baby, everyone’s going to want a piece. If the idea of people watching you have a phone conversation makes you nauseated/light-headed, you should probably go buy a Samsung Galaxy (Droids make that equally conspicuous alien “Droid” noise).


You Won’t Have Money Left Over For A GPS

no iphone apple map


Have you been reading up on the colossal failure that is the new Apple maps? If you buy the iPhone 5, be prepared to say “goodbye” to Google maps and “hello” to being late for things because Apple maps got you lost. Unless you can afford to buy an additional stand-alone GPS (or, er, have the wherewithal to download the Waze app), stay away!


You’re Going To Die Soon

no iphone death bed


Nobody ever lay on their death bed and said, “My only regret is not having bought the newest Apple product.” Except maybe someone who could’ve used an iPhone 5 to text for rescue.


You Already Possess A Working Smart Phone And Some Self-Confidence

no iphone confident guy


I mean, is everyone else due for an upgrade? How are so many people needing new phones right now? Would you still be my friend if I used a Palm Pilot and a Razr? I will trade you a tag-intact royal blue elephant Beanie Baby! Or a Silly Band! Please let me eat with you.


Are you guys getting an iPhone 5? Why or why not? Let us know in the comments!


Check Out People Robert Pattinson Should Go Out With Now!

10 Celebrities You Probably Didn't Know Had A Twin


There a lot of famous celebrity twins, the Olsens, the Sprouses those d-bags from Good Charlotte, but there are even MORE celebrities with secret twins!  Here's a look at 10 celebs who you might be surprised to learn have a twin sibling. 


Scarlett And Hunter Johansson

 celebrities with twins


I'm actually pretty grateful Scarlett's twin is a dude. The last thing I need is to be inundated with filthy fan fiction about a Johansson twin threesome. Trust me fan fiction writers, you couldn't get one Johansson much less two!


Kiefer And Rachel Sutherland

 celebrities with twins


Am I the only one freaked out by a female Jack Bauer? I feel like I'm looking at Keifer in disguise as a woman so he can stop a bomb from detonating in a downtown LA all female spa. 


Alanis And Wade Morissette

 celebrities with twins


Alanis' twin brother is also a musician. And he's super into yoga. Maybe Alanis has been following his lead, because she seems way less angry than she did when she was screaming at her ex in her mega-hit Oughta Know. There are better ways to de-stress than doing perverted things in public theaters. TRUST!


Vin Diesel And Paul Vincent

 celebrities with twins


I don't know what's more shocking, Vin Diesel having a twin or the twin having hair that looks like he's been shocked. Also Vin's stepfather is a drama teacher? For the sake of his professional reputation,  I'm hoping Vin isn't his prized pupil.


Jon And Dan Heder

 celebrities with twins


Now these are some identical twins! So much so that Jon has convinced Dan to sign autographs as him so he doesn't get a rep for being an a-hole to fans. And on a side note when did Napoleon Dynamite get kind of cute?  What the flip?


Nicholas Brendon And Kelly Donovan

 celebrities with twins


Nicholas is most famous for starring as Xander on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Kelly is most famous for being Nicholas' stand-in on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Which makes me kind of sad. I'm sure Kelly is his mom's secret favorite. I have to believe that to make things seem more fair.


Gisele And Patricia Bundchen

 celebrities with twins


Since I'm guessing she gave up on being the pretty one early on, Patricia was able to focus on being the smart and business savvy one. I mean she manages the career of the number one supermodel in the world! Hello!?!  And she's pretty darn cute herself, so I don't feel too bad for her.


Aaron And Angel Carter

 celebrities with twins


Finally a non-celeb twin that is actually WAY hotter than the celeb! Although Aaron Carter is a pretty low hot threshold to surpass. Just saying!


Linda And Leslie Hamilton

 celebrities with twins


There's nothing more badass than two Sarah Connors, amirite? Good thing there wasn't though. Otherwise the T-1000 would have been terminated the minute he appeared. And that would not have been the makings of a great movie.


Ashton And Michael Kutcher

 celebrities with twins


Becoming a big star and marrying Demi Moore might seem like big time accomplishments until you learn that Ashton's twin brother Michael is an advocate for children born with Cerebral Palsy who regularly lobbies congress to provide more funding for research that can prevent the disease. Did I mention the fact that he also suffers from CP himself? Yeah. Pretty cool.

Which one are you surprised by? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Pairs Of Celebrities You Won't Believe Are The Same Age!

Lunch Lady In Trouble For Making Food That's 'Too Good'


Swedish Lunchlady Annika Eriksson was all about baking fresh baked bread, and cooking fifteen varieties of specialty prepared and spiced vegetables, chicken, shrimp, and other meats for the kids at her school to lunch it up with.

lunchlady annika eriksson
Lunchlady Annika Eriksson (artist's rendition)

Unfortunately, the Local is reporting that Annika Eriksson has been forced to put a stop to making the kids actually good food. The municipality that she works for ordered her to "bring it down a notch" because, according to them, it's unfair that the kids at her school get to eat food that good. Admittedly the kids at the school had been getting a little big for their britches, as you can see from this comparative picture of them before Annika started making them high class food, and then six weeks after:

comparative high class
"Something certainly changed."

Annika's supervisor at the school,Katarina Lindberg, offered this quote

"A menu has been developed... It is about making a collective effort on quality, to improve school meals overall and to try and ensure everyone does the same."

Why must capitalist countries always embody the worst selfishnesses of capitalism and collectivism always embody the worst uniformities of collectivism. Doesn't it help everybody if someone innovates? Should that not inspire other to do the same, instead of get others to tell her to cease her innovations? I don't know if you've ever had a school lunch, but if anything could use innovating it sure the hell is that.

school lunch
A typical American School Lunch.

Students and parents have launched a petition in protest of the ridiculous decision, and hopefully that will be enough to sway the hard hearted Stalinites that made this decision to lay off the student's actually tasty choices. But the greed of capitalism isn't help us here either. With giant corporations working hard to keep crap food on your lunch trays here at home, make pizza sauce a vegetable, and overall not giving a damn about how healthy you are if it cuts into their profits... I say it's time. Time to rise up, let us all rise up and Occupy The Lunch Room. Demand healthy, good tasting food. Not let our health be sacrificed to uniformity or the all mighty dollar. Hell no we won't eat! We won't eat your sloppy meat! If you all stand together, protest, and raise your voices loud enough adults will have to listen, and this will be the lunch room of tomorrow:

future lunch room
Now that's what I call class.

What are your school lunches like? Let us know in the comments below!


Check out The 8 Best Lunch Room Foods In History!

9 Scariest Video Games of All Time!


It's that time of the year to break out all of the classic horror games. There are so many now that it's really hard to wade through and remember which ones are the ones that are worth replaying. Luckily for you, I did that hard work for you. It took me a month and my hair is now completely white from shock, but it was worth. I just want to make you happy. Look how good I am to you. Here are the scariest video games.


Resident Evil 4

resident evil 4 ashley screaming demotivational


This game got some heat when it first came out because it differed from other Resident Evil titles in that the ammo flows like water. There's no more hoping that you'll find one bullet somewhere around the corner. They're everywhere. But because there is so much ammo, the zombies are way more badass. They take a bunch of shots to go down, and a lot of them are carrying really dangerous weapons. There is nothing scarier than seeing a giant zombie wearing a burlap bag for a mask charging at you with a chainsaw that will kill you instantly if he even gets close. Oh, wait. There is something scarier: two zombies with chainsaws charging at you. I can only play this game in hour long sessions or I'll get a panic attack. They usually come from when I have to protect Ashley. STOP GETTING KILLED, ASHLEY!


Splatterhouse 3

splatterhouse 3 ad


These games hold a special place in my heart because they were among the first games to feature really awesome gore. They helped to pave the way for other games to be able to go to some pretty terrifying extremes. Splatterhouse 3 is the best game in the series. They made the play mechanics a lot smoother, and made the level non-linear. It's kind of like Metroid if Metroid took place in Hell. Some people might not think it's all that scary anymore, but it was pretty darn scary for a Genesis game! I definitely soiled myself more than once while playing it.


Manhunt 2

manhunt 2 sneak attack


This is the only game on this list that doesn't really have anything supernatural going on. You play as a escapee from an insane asylum. The game pretty much involves wandering around and murdering everyone you come across in really unique ways. The violence in this game was so scary that they had to convert some of the gorier kills to black and white. The Wii version is especially terrifying to play because you actually act out all of the murders. You don't really feel good about yourself after jamming a piece of broken glass in to someone's neck over and over.


Dead Space

dead space nerd meme


Dead Space is a zombie game that takes place entirely in outer space. When you're traveling through space sections of the game, you can't hear anything and you're running out of air. That's scary enough by itself. When you add some dudes who want to rip open your through and use your vocal chords as dental floss, it puts the scare factor way over the top. It's really hard to figure out a way to bite your nails from fear while holding a controller, but I made it work. That's called perseverance.


Fatal Frame 2

camera gun


Most of the games on this list involve running around with huge guns or barbed wire covered baseball bats to protect yourself. This game doesn't have any of that. Your only weapon is a camera. Luckily, that's all you need to defeat the ghosts in this game. The only person that I know who hates getting their picture taken more than the ghosts in this game is my mom. My mom may or may not be a ghost.


Left 4 Dead

left 4 dead tank meme


Left 4 Dead is some pure visceral adrenaline fueled zombie killing fun. The point of the game is to make it from point A to point B on a map. It wouldn't be so hard except for the hordes of undead that really want to be your friend. It's based on the Half-Life engine so it plays like... A NIGHTMARE! Muah ha ha! HAAA HAA HAH AA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha... ha... ha.


I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream

harlan ellison shakes fist


I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream is a point and click adventure in the vein of the Monkey Island series. The difference being that everything you do takes you one step deeper in to the mind of an insane super computer that has destroyed humanity. You play as one of five characters who the supercomputer keeps alive just to torture. If that sounds cool, it's because this game was designed by legendary sci-fi author Harlan Ellison. I don't know how he found time to make a game since he's so busy constantly suing everyone for everything.


Silent Hill 2

silent hill 2 cat meme


Resident Evil may have been the first survival horror series, but Silent Hill is just as good. Silent Hill 2 in my opinion is the best of the series. The big twist in the game truly makes you feel distrubed. All of the monsters in the game are just Anthony and Ian dressed up for Halloween. I don't think I will ever be the same after finding out the horrifying truth.


Call Of Duty: Zombies

space zombie


This is a game that is basically like playing the climax of every zombie movie. The zombies never stop coming and keep getting harder and harder to fight. The maps are also awesome. In addition to a bunch of cool places on Earth and you can even fight zombies on the moon. The best part about it is that there is no way to come out alive just like in the real zombie apocalypse.


What video game scared you the most? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!


Check Out 8 Scariest Pokemon!

6 Banned (For Very Good Reasons) Candies


As Halloween fast approaches, one’s thoughts turn to candy…and the hope that not every house will cheap out by giving mini-boxes of Chiclets. Which makes this the perfect time to look back on the candies you probably won’t get this year, either because they were banned, resemble rotting carcasses, or could destroy your life.


Candy Cigarettes

banned candies candy cigarettes display


For years, candy cigarettes were a little kid’s first step to an adult life of lung biopsies and hacking up black tar. Many of the candy cancer sticks even featured a red tip to make them look lit and were packaged to resemble actual cigarette brands with such names as “Marboro” and slogans like “Now you can look just like dad!” While some states did ban the candy, the real reason they disappeared from shelves was growing public awareness that filling your lungs with smoke was the reason people were usually pulled out of burning buildings. Although no longer as popular as they once were, candy cigarettes can still be found in some stores (stores that probably also sell toys like “Fistful of Nails” or “Only Toxic When Touched”), leading many to ask, “What’s next? A candy crack pipe?”



banned candies lollipipe candy banned


This is that candy crack pipe. No doubt meant to be sold only to adults who apparently weren’t getting the desired results from “Skittles in Absinthe,” “Hash Twinkies,” or “Capri Sun But With Gasoline,” the fruit-flavored Lollipipes were advertised as the “100% edible actual candy pipe,” a marketing slogan that couldn’t get it pulled from store shelves faster if it featured the words “best if used while living under a highway overpass.”


Road Kill Gummis

banned candies road kill gummis


There have been countless variations on the gummi over the years, from “gummi bears” to “gummi frogs” to even the short-lived but very long “gummi tapeworms.” But feeling all the happy, living creatures had already be turned into tasty treats, one company decided to claim new territory with their “Gummi Road Kill,” complete with shapes of run-over raccoons, cats, and possum for a candy that couldn’t be more wrong unless it was a called “Biscuit in the Shape of Your Sideswiped Mom.” Naturally, animal rights groups declared “Road Kill” was in remarkable poor taste and could encourage cruelty to animals, and so the candy was pulled before the company had a chance to roll out its next product, “gummi illegally harvested internal organs.”


Kinder Surprise

banned candies kinder eggs toys


When is a potential choking hazard delicious? When it’s a chocolate egg with a tiny toy inside, apparently designed in the belief that three-year-olds always carefully inspect their candy instead of blindly shoving them down their throats seven or eight at a time. To this day the candy has never been allowed in the United States, which prohibits the sale of any confection featuring non-digestible ingredients, like metal figures or jigsaw puzzles that maybe reassemble themselves in your esophagus. In fact, in January 2011 a women was threatened with a huge fine for bringing a single Kinder egg into the U.S. from Canada, which only heightened tensions between the two warring nations and explains why both countries are stockpiling nuclear weapons on the border as we speak.


Valentine’s Candy

banned candies valentine candy hearts


What harm could come from little candy hearts with such cutesy sayings as “Love You,” “Be Mine,” and the less popular “I Think We Should Just Be Friends Who Don’t Really Hang Out or Call Each Other Ever”? Well, some elementary schools have banned kids from handing out the hearts in classrooms on Valentine’s Day, believing all that sugar could make them hyper, harder to control, and almost certainly likely to get involved in whatever the third-grade equivalent is for bar fights.


Maoam Candy

banned candies maoam candy wrappers


And finally we come to a candy that caused a huge uproar in England not because of what it contained or resembled but because of packaging that could best be described as “hot and sweaty cherry sex.” Of course, how the picture of a lemon clearly pleasuring what appears to be a bean (who also seems to be engaged in a foot fetish with an orange) can be taken seriously (or not result in mass purchases) is anybody’s guess. But the company has refused to change their marketing tactics and so it’s probably only a matter of time before a giant banana makes its curiously delayed appearance.


What do you plan on banning the public from consuming when you're older? Let us know in the comments below!


Check out These Horrible Candy Fails!

PETA Says Pokemon Games Are EVIL


PETA is the pro-animal organization best known for having hot chicks be naked on billboards because they'd "rather go naked and wear fur." Which, to me, is a pro-fur message. Because it implies if you made every single item of clothing out of fur women would always be naked.

a better world
This is by far the weirdest erection of my life.

According to Buzzfeed PETA has released a Pokemon parody game called "Pokemon: Black and Blue." Where the Pokemon rise up against their cruel masters, the trainers, and do battle for their freedom.

ash versus pikachu
How Ash really feels about Pikachu.

PETA Director of Marketing Innovations Joel Bartlett had this to say:

"Games like Pokémon send kids the wrong message that exploiting and abusing those who are defenseless is acceptable when it is not."

Admittedly Joel has a point. If you think about it, Pokemon isn't much different than a dog fighting ring. Capturing animals, training them, and then forcing them to fight in brutal displays of their power.

dog fighting ring
Why must you make me fight Mewtwo? You know he is just going to break my mind.

The game is actually pretty funny too. You can play it at the link below. Whether you agree with the notion that animals should be caught, trained to hate, and then forced to fight to the death or not, we can all agree that there's nothing better than watching Pikachu electrocute a clearly drunk Ash Ketchum.

Do you think Pokemon teaches bad lessons? Is Pokemon about making animals fight, or is it about frienship and working together? Let us know in the comments below!


Check out 8 Pikachu who should be president!

The 6 Stupidest Moments Of The Resident Evil Series


I formed an emotional bond with the Resident Evil series the first time a bloody monster hand plunged through the roof of a train. A train, mind you, that was somehow powered by wolf and eagle medals. But as much as I love the series, even I have to admit that it has had some stupid, stupid moments through the years. In the interest of making sure they never happen again, let's point out all of these blunders in front of the entire internet. Resident Evil, I hope you know I'm only doing this because I love you.


Barry tells Jill she was almost a "Jill Sandwich"

What does that even MEAN? A sandwich between the floor and cement ceiling? Because then Jill wouldn't BE the sandwich, she'd be an ingredient IN the sandwich. Do you even know how sandwiches WORK, Barry? Have you ever BEEN to Subway? Do you EVER Eat Fresh™?


Sherry immediately recovers from the G Virus

Near the end of Resident Evil 2, Sherry Birkin is infected with the G Virus by her father because, uh, whatever. So then Claire picks up, like, two chemicals, puts them in a machine, and then MAKES THE VACCINE IN LIKE A SECOND. What did she do, put the vials in the machine and press the "science" button?

And then they give Sherry the vaccine, and she just immedaitely wakes up and is fine! I was bedridden for a week after I got my tonsils out and they weren't even eating away at the structure of my very DNA.


Every time The Nemesis showed up after, like, the fourth time

The first time we see The Nemesis, yeah, it was terrifying. Even the second time, it was pretty scary. Third time it induced a feeling of panic. I began to wonder if I would ever be safe. But eventually, seeing The Nemesis was just an annoyance, like an about-to-be-divorced neighbor who hangs out at your place every day because he's afraid to go home. It's like, come on The Nemesis, deal with your sh*t, you know?


Claire falls in love with Steve after he turns into a turtle monster

Oh sure, when Steve was a HUMAN Claire couldn't give him the time of day. Then when he turns into a muscled, tentacle-equipped turtle monster, she can't get ENOUGH of him! But then again, what else would you EXPECT from a girl?

(I actually don't know what I would expect from a girl. This scenario has never occured before in history. Nor should it.)


Leon gets saved by a dog

It's not so much that the dog jumped in at the last minute to save Leon from an El Gigante. That was set up in the begining of the game when Leon saved said dog and it's actually a nice little bit of storytelling. No, this moment is stupid because of the brain-dead way Leon says "Hey, it's that dog". He says it as intensity as he would say "I think I bought the wrong pushpins from Home Depot but these will work fine too."


Resident Evil 6

chris resident evil 6


It pains me to write this, it really does, but BOY is Resident Evil 6 dumb. But maybe "dumb" isn't even the right word for it. Resident Evil 6 is scared. It doesn't know what it wants to be. Is it a moody, atmospheric thriller? Is it a balls-to-the-wall, gun-toting, knuckle-breaking action ride? Or is it a tense, Resident Evil 3-like sprint from a terrifying, overwhelming single enemy? It is ALL OF THOSE OUT OF THE BOX

Resident Evil 6, you can't be everything to everyone. You have to be YOURSELF. That's what's going to make gamers like you! Do you think they like Mario because he uses powerful, upgradable weapons? No! Gamers like Mario because he's a fat, happy plumber who likes to jump. THAT'S WHO MARIO IS. So now, Resident Evil, I want you to take a few years and figure out who YOU are. And don't come back with Resident Evil 7 until you do. Because Resident Evil, I love you and what I want most is for YOU to love you.


Which was the stupidest Resident Evil moment? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out How Resident Evil Monsters Maintain A Positive Outlook Despite Being Horrible Monsters!

The 5 Worst Dance Crazes Ever!


I think we can call it at this point: Gangnam Style, you are the new Macarena. What was initially a satire of the ridiculousness of affluent Koreans has now become a dance craze sweeping bar mitzvahs and hipster weddings alike. Congratulation Psy, you’re on the way to being everything you once mocked (CHA-CHING)! But, it’s still fresh and fun and there are a lot of dance crazes that are far, far worse.


The Macarena


Now that the 90s are back we must be careful. The ancient seal forged by the ancient monastic order of ancient ancientness that holds the Macarena at bay could be broken at any moment. And when that happens, may god have mercy on Urban Outfitter’s soul.


The Electric Slide

The Electric Slide is actually the honky, less hip-shakey, version of the, “Harlem Shuffle”. I can safely say that Harlem probably has worse problems than this particular theft. Gentrified rent increases for instance.



I’m sorry to do this to you guys. On the bright side, my co-worker says to get a song out of your head try singing, “Bohemian Rhapsody” and then by the time you get through its many tonal shifts you should be song free. I’m dubious, but at least you’re trading up for a better song to have stuck.


Lean Back

Besides being the laziest dance craze in this history of ever, it also remains the only dance that can be done be recent lobotomy recipients.


Chicken Noodle soup

Personally, I’ve never heard this song or seen this dance but I can see where critics would lambast it as a modern form of “shucking” and “jiving” found in minstrel shows. More alarming, the sodium and sugar content in chicken noodle soup and soda from the lyrics. Either way, Michelle Obama would probably not perform it on the White House lawn like the, “Dougie”.

Let a giant can of Chicken Noodle Soup soothe your soul.


What do you think is the Worst Dance Craze Ever? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below!

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

Students Refusing Tracking ID Cards Unable to Vote for Homecoming?


John Jay High School in San Antoni, Texas, has launched a new program to increase attendance. The "Student Locator Project" requires students to wear their microchip-embedded school IDs around their necks at all times and have their location tracked and monitored.

monitoring room
"KSSHHT - We've got a teen purchasing some Reese's Pieces from a vending machines after designated vending time hours. Can I get a couple security teams down there? - KSSHHHT"

And now, apparently, the students refusing to use the new IDs are not going to be allowed to vote for Homecoming court. One objector, Andrea Hernandez, has been told that if she continues to refuse the new IDs, she won't be allowed to vote for homecoming royalty. This is, of course, deplorable, as the most vital, inalienable right of any high school student is the right to choose which popular kid is the MOST popular and will therefore rule over them.

homecoming queen wins
"I promise I will use this honor bestowed upon me to continue making you
feel bad about yourselves."


At the same time, there are a number of parents in favor of the system, saying they want to know that their child is safe and in school. But no one is acknowledging the hidden cost of that knowledge. These kids are going to grow up with the knowledge that there is someone looking over thier shoulder. They're going to grow up thinking that they're numbers being tracked in a system, not people. And maybe not conciously, they're going to grow up thinking that they are doing something WRONG.

happy girl scouts
These children's happiness is a front because they know they're being watched.

I'm not saying that this might be a worthy trade-off. But those hidden costs are important and need to be acknowledged. It's like ordering a concert ticket from Ticketmaster — a 25 dollar ticket STARTS OUT at 25 dollars, but once you add in the hidden charges like tax, convenience fees, order processing fees, service fees, dervice fees, proprietary costs, and all appropriate tariffs, your concert ticket may end up costing over 32,500 dollars.

ticketmaster ticket
Hold on, DERVICE fees?

Is this move okay for the school district to make? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Girls at High School's Homecoming Dance TURNED AWAY for Wearing Dresses Showing Their KNEES!

8 Of The Worst Words In The English Language


Babies crying, nails on a chalkboard, car alarms – some sounds make you feel like daggers are being shoved into your ears. Annoying noises aren’t the only aural offenders out there, though. Sometimes the mere use of a word is enough to drive you insane. Every time I hear someone say one of the words on this list, I want to set a hospital on fire.



worst words english language whatever


“Clueless,” a.k.a. the most popular (and dated) film of 1995, can be blamed for shoving this infuriatingly dismissive catchphrase into the lexicon. For almost two decades since, an entire generation of vapid Cher Horowitz-wannabees have put their well manicured hands together to form a “W” and their well glossed lips together to express disgust whenever anyone says anything they disagree with.



worst words english language irregardless


Straight up, ladies and gentlemen, irregardless IS NOT A DAMN WORD. Even though it has an impressive four syllables, you are not smart for using it because it IS NOT A DAMN WORD. The fact that my computer recognizes it as such makes me think my computer’s a moron.



worst words english language yummy


Watching a grown-ass woman describe something as “yummy” is just as disconcerting as watching a 8-month-old perform open heart surgery. Given their ages, neither should be doing what they’re doing. Which is why it’s deeply, deeply disturbing.


My bad

worst words english language my bad


OK, so this is technically two words, but still. “My bad” is the most non-committal phrase of all time, which is why it’s also the most infuriating. Saying “my bad” is the equivalent of saying “I acknowledge guilt, yet am too much of a jerkoff to apologize.” I will slap you upside the face for saying “my bad” – but I’ll apologize afterward, because I’m A GOOD PERSON.



worst words english language eew


When it comes to terrible words, “eew” pretty much has it all. Not only does it sound gross, but it makes the face of the person saying it look gross. Just imagine Jess, the mean cheerleader from chemistry class, saying it to a nerd who just asked her out. Disgusting, right? God, Jess sucks. I can’t wait for her to get pregnant...then we’ll see who’s so smug...



worst words english language literally


Everyone literally uses the word “literally” wrong. Listen, dude – I know you didn’t literally crap your pants when Sara told you she was dating Justin. If you had literally crapped your pants, you’d probably (literally) still be getting crap out of your pants.



worst words english language like


Like? It’s, like, the least articulate thing you could say. You, like, agree, right? ‘Cause if you don’t, like, agree, like, I don’t know what to tell you. And even if you do, like, agree, I still don’t know what to tell you. ‘Cause, like, as I stated earlier, I’m, like, super inarticulate.



worst words english language rockstar


If you are not a rockstar, you are not a rockstar. It doesn’t matter how many energy drinks you pound, or how many stupid tattoos you get, or how much gel you put in your hair. The only people who can “party like rockstars” are rockstars. If you are not a rockstar, you cannot party like one. Capisce, dumbass?


What other words make you want to punch a hole in the wall every time you hear ‘em? Let me know in the comments!


Check Out The 20 Worst Product Names in History!

Signs You're On Your Way To Your Freshman 15


It’s no secret that college freshmen are prone to gaining weight, but in spite of this knowledge, 18-year-olds across the country are starting to develop potbellies and fleshy underarms. Maybe they thought they were immune. Maybe they thought they could work it off. Maybe they thought it was all just another Diet Industry Conspiracy (along with Mars Rover, sponsored by Mars Bars). Freshmen, whatever lies you’ve been telling yourselves, it’s time to face the Fried Everything. Here are some indicators you’re on your way to the Freshman 15.


You Have More Ramen Packets Than Books

fat frosh ramen noodles


If you need a packet of ramen in order to get you through your assigned reading, you have a sodium addiction. Monitor the number of ramen packets you’re buying at once… if you’re that concerned about not having ramen accessible at all times, people are probably already starting to talk about how bloated you are.


You Have Been Banned From The Local Gourmet Deli

fat frosh gourmet deli


If you got kicked out for eating buffet food with your fingers, that means you now consider “meal-planning” to be “whatever fits in my fist, until my fist gets tired.” Actually, if you’ve inspired any kind of food-related animosity from anyone, you should probably get on that scale and check yo’self.


Peanut Butter And Cereal is A Thing

fat frosh cereal


I get it. Dining halls = fun time. You sit for hours talking to your new friends, not doing work, and eating food. There will come a time, however, when you’re going to get bored with the same foods being available every day. You’re going to want to get creative, pair different foods together, figure out which foods trigger endorphins... Don’t. Creativity = not fitting into your pants come Thanksgiving.


The Burrito Cart Guy Is Your Boi

fat frosh burrito boi


It’s good to be friendly to everyone, sure. But sometimes your friends really just want to make money off you. And your friends will usually not tell you when you’re starting to resemble breakdown Britney Spears. If you genuinely want to befriend the Burrito Cart Guy, try buying him a burrito for every 1.5 times you think about buying yourself one.


You Fight The Homeless Over EOD Bakery Bread

fat frosh street bread


You know how sometimes bakeries will give away whatever pastries/bread they didn’t sell by the end of the day? Yeah, I know you know. You probably don’t need that bread as much as the homeless guy you just fought. If your evenings are starting to resemble The Hunger Games, you might want to cut out stale carbs from your diet.


You Wake Up Wondering If You’re Pregnant, Knowing You Haven’t Had Sex

fat frosh pregnant belly


I distinctly remember a point in my college career when I woke up cradling my new junk-food stomach. At first, it was interesting. So THIS is what my body would look like preggers. Not bad. But then no one was interested in doing anything remotely related to impregnating me, and it became less fun. Just maintain a healthy lifestyle, and you’ll be fine!


What are some other indicators that you’re on your way to the Freshman 15? Let us know in the comments!


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How to Not F#$@ Up Your Trick or Treating


If you love candy as much as the statistics on diabetes in this country would suggest, Trick or Treating is still a pretty big deal. Do you know what kind of candy tastes the best? Free candy. Let me and my fun size heart try to help you and your friends bring in the biggest haul of your young lives.


Bring Someone Younger

trick or treat



You want a shot at a full size bar from the neighbor with the inflatable spider in front? You bring this cute little sh%&t. Look at him. You put him on point in your trick or treat gang and you will get ALL of the candy. And since small children have the memory recall of sea kelp, I’m sure you can “redistribute the wealth” with little to no crying. Plus there are playgrounds all around your town full of them.


Don’t Look Your Age

trick or treat


Honestly, I think it’s totally unfair that after High School it’s no longer socially acceptable to go trick or treating. Sure, you can just go to any store and STEAL the candy. But heaven forbid you put on a Scream mask and wave a machete around yelling, “death to all the piggly wigglies running up and down the lane” with assortment bags in each pit and they call the cops! Thank you Obama’s America!!! Where was I? Oh. Wear a mask dummy. Then you wont get hassled as much about your face pubes barring you from fun.



trick or treat


Whatever costume you have in mind, take a moment and consider this: pockets. You’re out all night, solemnly swearing to be up to no good. You’ve obviously got a pillowcase for the candy, but what about your cell or the neighbor’s garden gnome? You simply can’t put them all in once place! That’s where the pocket comes in. You’re welcome.


Shoes You Can Run In

trick or treat


I know heels go with slutty (I have some expertise in this arena…sigh, check the bio) but nobody wants to hear you complain after the first block that your feet hurt. The sex offender a couple houses down will be just as psyched to see you bounce up to the door in Nikes. And remember, love works in mysterious ways.


Body Paint, Just Say No (Unless You Know A Pro)

The next two tidbits are actually just general Halloween advice that should be common knowledge for everyone. I know you think that that tube of Walgreens black paint that came in the jumbo set is going to turn out like this:

 trick or treat


But it’s far more likely you’ll end up like this:

trick or treat


And don’t get me started on glitter. That stuff never comes off. I’ve had in my stool since 2001. You have to ingest glitter right? For an even coat?

Store Bought Costumes Are Fine

trick or treat


Store bought accessories are fine but If you’re going to use the entire outfit out of the bag just stay home and leave this, the best holiday that isn’t Christmas, to the professionals.



Any pro-tips that made your trick or treating memorable? How about the best trick you ever pulled? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below! Good luck out there sport’s fans!

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