During a performance in Tacoma, Washington, Justin Bieber's most prized possession was stolen. No, not his hair gel. No, not his collection of Jesus necklaces.

No, not the Real Doll he passes off as Selena Gomez.
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It was his laptop. The answer was laptop. And once he reaslized it was stolen, Bieber did what anyone born after 1993 would do in a time of crisis - write about it on Twitter. "yesterday during the show me and my tour manager josh had some stuff stolen. really sucks. people should respect other's property."

You know, I hadn't thought about it like that, but Justin Bieber is RIGHT. Thank God he went to Twitter to remind us that it isn't right to steal other people's things. Justin Bieber is really making a difference. I'm excited to see what complicated, divisive issue he takes on next.

"i just think its whack when you steal candy from a baby #niceness #compassion #invitro"
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But can we talk for a minute about the number of favorites and retweets this guy gets? Over 18,000 people thought this was amongst their FAVORITE tweets.

Over 45,000 people HAD TO LET THEIR FOLLOWERS KNOW that
Justin Bieber is SAD someone STOLE HIS LAPTOP.
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Bieber also spoke of some "personal footage" on the laptop, and since it was stolen, a picture allegedly of Bieber has begun circulating the internet. Apparently, it features a naked guy with the same bird hip tattoo Bieber sports, but the face has been cropped out of the photo.

it's impossible to tell who's in a photo when the head is cropped out.
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I tried to find the picture to see for myself if it was Bieber or not, but most websites reporting on the stolen laptop incident have taken the "out of respect we won't be posting the picture" position. And while that's a fair stance to take, it makes finding the picture itself REALLY hard. I felt like, for the sake of this story and my journalistic integrity, I had to find the picture and determine its veracity. But then I realized just how many times I was Googling "justin bieber nude pics" and decided that Jesus Christ it's time to evaluate how much of myself I'm REALLY willing to give to this job.

Has your laptop ever been stolen? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Wouldn't it be awesome to never have to sleep? Think of all you could get done if you didn't have to throw away eight hours every single day. You could play more video games, learn a new language, or even do what I do — spend more time working at the office so you don't have to focus on how unbearably lonely you are!

Sending emails quiets the screaming in my head!
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This is the reality for Thai Ngoc, a Vietnamese farmer who hasn't slept since 1973. Ever since he had a fever in 1973, he's been AWAKE. He's seemingly tried everything from sleep medicine to straight boozing, but nothings worked — Thai Ngoc is a man who hasn't slept in almost 40 years.

Does that mean he hasn't DREAMT in almost 40 years? :(
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Some experts aren't buying it, though. Many believe that Ngoc isn't so much always awake forever as he is unable to distinguish between being asleep and awake. That means he's theoretically falling asleep all the time, but not remembering it. And while it sounds nightmarish, not being able to tell if you're awake or not, I asy as someone who's experienced it, it isn's not so bad.

It's actually the way I feel whenever I watch The Wire.
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But if he really is staying awake, Thai Ngoc is amazing. Sleep is such a huge part of my life I can't imagine going without it. Hell, I'm writing this at 6pm and I'm having trouble not taking a nap. But that might just be because I miss all the stuffed animal friends that live on my bed.

Jesus CHRIST I am lonely.
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What would you do with the 8 extra hours a day if you didn't have to sleep? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

I hope my roommates know they're nothing more than half a rent check to me.

Economists see the world through the eyes of an economist

Today, my roommate came out of the bathroom, and asked me how the scales knew her weight in both pounds and kilos, even though "the exchange rate is always changing." I actually live with this idiot. FML

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At least they're not shooting up reese's peanut butter

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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As gross as a thing can be

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

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Sharing the lease with a monster

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

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BONJOUR

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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Not its intended use

Today, my new roommate moved in. It seems that instead of using toilet paper like a normal human being, she instead opts to use the nearest towel in reach. I found this out when I went to dry off with mine after a shower. FML

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In which many problems are presented

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "weighing my testicles, you should try it sometime, if they are too heavy you may have cancer". I'm a girl. FML

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They aren't hard to distinguish

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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No. NO. NONONONONO.

Today, I realized that my roommate has been using my loofah to clean our toilet. I've been cleaning myself with the sh*t of four college boys for the last six months. FML

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For more, check out FMyLife.com!

Check out last week's Best Of FMyLife!

So another disturbing social networking study has been released and it not only makes me not wanna live on this planet anymore, but it makes me wonder if this planet will even continue existing at this rate. It turns out that of all the desires young people are encountered with, the allure of social networking is the hardest to resist. Even more than sex. I guess a virtual poke is better than one IRL?  SMH.

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The study conducted over a week and consisting of 250 University of Chicago students, found that the urge to Tweet, share photos and comment on Facebook were the hardest to resist. “There are so many things to do online — checking e-mails, Facebook and Twitter,” college junior Kristen Maldonado said. Yeah, that is SO TRUE! Sex has only like one thing to do. 

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Hofstra University professor Jamie Cohen explains it this way, “If you had a window in your house, imagine just never trying to look out of it. So they feel it’s there, they have to look at it." Okay, I guess I see his point about the internet in general, but not really about it being more alluring than sex. Here's my own scientific research. Let's say Ryan Gosling was lying in my bed saying "Hey girl..." and looking all come hither-y, pretty sure I wouldn't be screaming 'OMG a new Gangnam Style parody! LIKE!' Study INVALID. But then again maybe I'm just an olde-fashioned girl...not a cool, young, sex-hating idiot.

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Although there is some hope! Not every student preferred social networking to sexual networking. 'You gotta be kidding me,” college senior Rick Rissetto said, “No, not even. I would choose sex over social media any day of the week.” Unfortunately sex is not choosing him. BAM! I kid, I kid. 

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What do you think? What would you choose? If you had a choice? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 20 Hysterical Facebook Photo Comments!

So I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's been living in fear of seeing Justin Bieber nude photos/videos/anything that features Bieber and nude in the same sentence, since the news broke that his laptop had been stolen this week. Well it turns out that the whole drama of a Bieber nude photo leak was all just a giant publicity stunt perpetrated by the Biebs himself. I know! And I thought this twerp couldn't bug me more than he already did. 

The fake nude with a conveniently covered 'mystery' sex organ...

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Yesterday, the supposed thief, started amping up his threats via Twitter. He ominously tweeted the word NOON. Bieber responded with an appeal to his fans to #STAY STRONG. It was like a plot straight out of the world's lamest Western movie. NOON!  Bieber played the victim like a champ!

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Then noon came!!! The faux thief posted a link to the 'scandalous' video...only it was actually a link to the Bieb's new video Beauty and the Beat. HAHA! PSYCH! We got punk'd! Millions of tweener girls everywhere cried tears of disappointment at the lack of Bieber peen pics they were hoping to add to their scrapbooks. Bieber tweeted all cocky-like about his trick.

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The good news is that we can all breath a sigh of relief that we still live in a world where we have more proof that Lady Gaga has a penis than Justin Bieber. PHEW!

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Here's the video if you care!

What do you think of Bieber's hoax? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 9 Most Disturbing Types Of Justin Bieber Fans!

We know them, we love them...actually we don't know them. We just think we know them. But do we ever really know anyone? I mean how do we know if we're ever really seeing the genuine person? Are we being our true selves? Sorry I temporarily wandered off into an existential crisis. ANYWAY. MEMES. Who are these people captured in a single image that soon come to capture the imagination of the internet? Exactly how accurate is the meme at representing the person in the pic IRL? Here's a look at some of the real people behind some of your favorite memes. 

Success Kid

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Seriously? Who doesn't love Success Kid? I wanna BE Success Kid! He's like the opposite of Bad Luck Brian. Everything good happens to him and even the most minor of victories are treated as a major SUCCESS. I'm physically incapable of congratulating myself even if I have a smidge of success. Maybe I need to go to therapy. I need to unleash my inner badass. I mean if an eleven month old can do it...so can I. Can I? Who is this little booger making me feel all bad about myself?

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He's Sam Griner and he's now five years old. Memes grow up so fast, don't they? His photographer mom, Laney, took the infamous pic and posted it to Flickr, where it was quickly picked up and captioned with 'I Hate Sandcastles' before morphing into Success Kid. Sammy is currently kicking ass and taking names in Kindergarten. His most recent successes include eating paste without getting a tummy ache and leaving circle time before the weird kid sitting next to him peed.

Ridiculously Photogenic Guy

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Back in March, Will King took some pics of runners in South Carolina. After his friend pointed out the ridiculously photogenic guy in one of the photos, King submitted it to Reddit. Within hours it had 40,000 up votes. By the next day it was pretty much a verified meme. So who is this ridiculously fast meme inspiration?

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He's 25 year-old New Yorker Zeddie Little.  And not only is he ridiculously photogenic but he's also taken. Sorry, Ladies!  He is currently using his internet fame to promote his charitable runs. I guess he's also 'ridiculously good person who makes me feel like a lazy selfish loser' guy. Maybe I'd be a more generous person if I didn't look like a sweaty piglet after running  20 feet. We'll never know...

Hipster Barista

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The Hipster Barista first appeared on Quickmeme back in 2011. Surprisingly there had been no Hipster Barista meme yet, despite the internet's love of hipster bashing and hipster barista's love of bashing all of us and our ignorance in the art of coffee. Yes, I want whipped cream on my cappuccino, I don't care if it's no longer a cappuccino. But who is this hipster dude judging us all? Is he really as humorless as he seems?

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Yes. Yes he is. His name is Dustin Mattson and he is a, I kid you not, Coffee Boss at an Atlanta coffee joint. He  finds it, and I'm paraphrasing here, not only discouraging but  also disappointing that we live in a world where those who are committed to the fine art of coffee making garner no respect.  So basically he's one of the few people who is completely well-represented by the meme he inspired. Congratulations humorless d*ck. Now make a cute heart in my latte foam.

Sheltered Suburban Mom

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The Sheltering Suburban Mom Meme is the mom we're all grateful we don't have. She's overprotective, hypocritical and sometimes a little bit racist/homophobic.  Plus she kind of has unfortunate mom hair and wears a velour sweatsuit. I mean the only thing more embarrassing than having a MILF for a mom must be having a MNoOneWantsToF. A MNOWTF....yeah totally not catchy. But who is this MNOWTF IRL? WTF acronym overload.

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She's best-selling romance novelist Carly Phillips! It turns out the original photo is an author photo. No one knows how it came to represent the Sheltering Suburban Mom, but I'm guessing the mom hair and the velour sweat suit that I previously mocked had something to do with it. (SORRY CARLY!) But I mean she is friggin' mom looking as hell.  Carly is actually cool with being a meme, although she admits to being bothered by the more prejudicial stuff the meme sometimes is captioned with. IRL she claims to be the cool mom, which I'm hoping doesn't mean she's a MNOWTF trying to be a MILF. 

The College Freshman

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Oh Uber-Frosh! When you're not doing or saying something stupid, you're doing something stupid that leads to your untimely death. I've no doubt that you will soon die from alcohol poisoning after participating in the frat boy trend du jour---butt chugging. I kid you not. Can't wait to see the warnings that will soon be appearing on the boxed wine I buy. But who is the man behind the meme? 

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His name is Griffin Kiritsy and he was a freshman at the University of New Hampshire when the pic was taken for a Reader's Digest feature. Then as most things do, it was picked up by Reddit and quickly entered the Meme Hall of Fame. Griffin is totally into his internet meme fame and in a recent Reddit chat he said "I plan on being the College Freshman...until I die." A death that  will no doubt have to do with a boxed wine spout attached to his anus. JK!  But I think I have to throw out my Target wine cube now. Boxed wine just got even less appealing for me.

What meme star are you curious about? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out MORE Of The Real People Behind Your Favorite Internet Memes!

Listen, I don't ask a lot from life—I just want to live with someone cool. Someone, you know, like a cartoon...

Brock Sampson, Venture Bros.

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As Dr. Venture discovered, the best part about having Brock Samson as a roommate is that he would kill everyone who comes to the door, so SO LONG FOREVER Jehovah's Witnesses!

The worst part about having Brock Samson as a roommate is that he would kill everyone who comes to the door, so SO LONG FOREVER Mom!

Bender, Futurama

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The rad thing about Bender as a roommate is that, because he's a robot, he WANTED to give Fry the bigger room. He's not going to agree to taking the smaller room and hold a secret grudge against you for the entirety of your lease, like every real-life roommate who has ever gotten the smaller room throughout history has done.

That's right, I'm looking at you Phil. You're a real passive agressive d-bag, you know that Phil?

Frylock, Aqua Teen Hunger Force

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Frylock is smart and fair-minded, which are basically te only qualities any of us are ever looking for in a roommate. He is also salty and delicious, which is all any of us are looking for in french fries. So, I guess if you want to EAT your roommate, Frylock's the only real choice.

Ren, Ren and Stimpy

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I know, I know. Ren seems really high-strung and quick to anger, which would be hard qualities to live with. But at least with Ren you know what you're getting — I'll take an agressive roommate over a passive-agressive roommate anyday. Again I must reiterate that you are a monster Phil and I regret signing this lease with you and I hope you are dead soon.

Butt-head, Beavis and Butt-head

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Don't pretend you want some stupid roommate who wants to DO things with you and have CONVERSATIONS about politics or whatever. You want someone who's going to plunk himself in front of the TV and watch music videos, leaving you alone to drink wine and try REAL hard to write a novel or some other such flight of fancy that's never going to lead anywhere you goddamn FAILURE... (editor note: Did they live together, or did they just basically live together? Whatever, I'm leaving it.)

I'm sorry Phil. Let's try again to write a screenplay together.

Who would you most want to be your roommate? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 5 Cartoon Moments That Became Memes!

It's a good thing for companies to experiment. Some times these experiments pay off and we get to play with awesome new things. Most of the time, they just wind up in a box in a closet somewhere to be sold at a Yard Sale some day. Here are the dumbest video game accessories.

SEGA Genesis Activator

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The fantasy of this sounded awesome. You get to actually play all of your favorite game using just your own body as a controller. It was going to be the ultimate immersive gaming experience. Reality set in when you started playing it and got beaten up by your little sister who just flailed wildy. At least it didn't last long because you got way too tired to keep playing after 5 minutes.

Gaming Chairs

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It seems like a lot of money to spend on a chair with speakers in it, but look at it this way. You can sell all of your old furniture that's been gathering dust because no one ever comes over to your apartment. What's the point of even having that love seat. Just sit in this bad boy the rest of your life.

SEGA Channel Adapter

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This was the first downloadable game channel available. It plugged in to your SEGA Genesis and allowed you to play from a rotating list of games. Due to restrictions of bandwidth, they weren't able to give you full copies of the games. Most commonly, games were missing characters, but they also sometimes were missing whole chunks of games. It's quite a rude awakening to show up to a friend's house and get your butt kicked in Street Fighter by a character that you didn't even know existed.

Nintendo Donkey Konga

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Nintendo wanted to cash in on the instruments game craze. nintendo decided to go with bongos. You know, cause the kids are way in to bongos these days. Of course, these didn't catch on so going the way of R.O.B., the Power Glove, and the Power Pad.

Gaming Eyewear

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You want to be a cool dude? You got to wear some cool dude glasses. Only cool dudes wear glasses that are headset compatible. They claim to reduce eye strain during long gaming sessions. Unfortunately, they don't make glasses to reduce eye strain for people that have to look at you while you wear these things.

N64 Rumble Pack

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This wasn't even kind of a cool idea to start with. It vibrated just enough to make your hands a little numb if you played too long, and weighed about 5 pounds. The worst thing about it was that you had to keep feeding it batteries which you had to do or your friends would complain about it. Then you'd get a big fight with them! Why do you got to cause so much drama, Rumble Pack?

DJ Hero Controller

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With the success of Guitar Hero and Rock Band, they wanted to figure out new instruments that could be plugged in to a gaming console. It's so fun to rock out on a fake guitar or set of drums. It's not so much fun to rock out on a turntable. Most big name DJs do most of their mixing in studio and not live. Deadmau5 famously said that DJs just show and press play. That's what this controller should have been, just a giant spacebar.

Game Boy Camera and Printer

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I really wish some famous photographer would use the Game Boy Camera and Printer to revolutionize the photography world. If they were to get popular enough, maybe the Game Boy Camera would make a comeback and we'd start to see feature films shot only with the Game Boy Camera. It could be a story about a firetruck and a Game Boy Printer who fall in love, but the Game Boy Printer's stickers fade in the sunlight because they're not meant to be put on fire truck bumpers. It could be called Burning Stickyness and star Julia Roberts and Kimbo Slice.

Konami LaserScope

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The Konami Laserscope for the NES was a head mounted Zapper with a microphone trigger. All you had to do was yell the word "Fire!" This thing was nearly impossible to aim. Also, when using this, make sure that you're in a sound proof room with the TV on mute because it fired at almost any noise including game audio.

XBAND Modem

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This was a modem that you could play a limited amount of SEGA Genesis and SNES games with your friends on-line. It seemed like a great idea, but the service just never worked that well. Often games would be so laggy that you couldn't even play them.

What dumb accessories did you get your parents to buy you? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out 5 Nintendo Games That Ruined Friendships!

Dude...it's like the chicken whisperer or something.  What is up with this guy and chickens? It's like freaking me out!  Give us a funny caption that explains this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!

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If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 10/15/12 will not be considered. Good luck! 

CAN'T WAIT? You can buy a shirt HERE!

You cannot escape Abraham Lincoln, which is ironic, because he freed so many people. The guy totally earned the right to two movies being made about him this year, because he somehow found the time to not only win the civil war but live like a total badass. Here are the most badass pictures of our baddest-ass president.

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Who would win in a fight, Abe Lincoln or a six-story Mitt Romney robot? Let us know in the comments!

Can't get enough lincoln? Check out Defaced American Currency!

I almost never jump from outer space, reaching speeds of up to and beyond 700 miles per hour on my descent to Earth. I try to avoid it if I can. Sometimes it's unavoidable, like if I'm late for a meeting, and I happen to stuck on the border between Earth's atmosphere and space, but mostly I can get by without doing it. Felix Baumgartner however just did it. And he did it for the most badass reason of all: for the sheer f*ck of it.

Pictured above: Felix Baumgartner taking some time off to just relax.
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Yes, Mashable reports that Felix's jump from outer-f*cking-space broke a number of jumping and/or falling related records including: highest jump from a platform (128,100 feet), the longest distance freefall (119,846 feet) and maximum vertical velocity (833.9 mph or Mach 1.24). He the first human being that wasn't inside a jet or a mech warrior to break the sound barrier with the sheer weight of his own body.

Here's someone in a jet breaking the sound barrier. Or, as Felix likes to call him: a giant p*ssy.
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But Felix didn't just break the sound barrier. Or tons of shocking freefall records. He also broke the most important record of all: concurrent Youtube livestream views. 8 million people simultaneously watched him. To be fair though, many of those people quickly got distracted by their simultaneous reddit browser window when they saw someone had made a subreddit about penguins wearing fezzes.

D'aaawwww. Reddit! D'aaawwww!
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You know how it's scary to fall for like 8 seconds straight down? Imagine falling for over 4. straight. minutes. Remember how it's scary to jump from the really diving board? Imagine falling from outer.space. Here's what I'm saying. I don't care whether you're a man, a woman, old, or infirmed. We all owe Felix Baumgartner a date.

BONUS! Some helmet cam footage from Austrian TV:

What do you plan to do with your fame after you fall 180,000 feet straight down? Let us know in the comments below!

It’s been said that there are only a finite number of stories in the world. It’s also been said that I watch too much TV. And while the past few years have seen a Strong Female Heroine boom, we’re really already familiar with these types. Let’s try and match up which fall TV ladies would be which Disney princesses! That sounds like fun!

Jess In FOX’s New Girl = Snow White

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Kind-hearted caretaker Jess Day (the Zooey Deschanel one) would absolutely have let in and trusted the evil-queen-disguised-as-beggar (see: The Landlord episode). And I think she DOES sing to birds. Plus, she lives with Grumpy, Tooly, and Shouty.

Mindy In FOX’s The Mindy Project = Cinderella

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Costume changes! From what we’ve seen in the pilot of The Mindy Project, Mindy Kaling’s character wants to go on a date with Ed Helms (aka The Ball), and (with the help of her coworker) she gets all dolled up to do so. Her outfit decision is, like, a major plot point. SPOILER ALERT: But once she’s on the date, she’s called away early to go deliver a baby, and reality comes crashing down. That’s obvi the shoe/pumpkin thing. Plus, Mindy rhymes with Cindy, so…

June In ABC’s Apt 23 = Ariel From The Little Mermaid

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June trades in her manageable Midwestern life for adventure in the big city. Along the way, she gets involved with an evil woman (the B—in that apartment), is hamstrung by debt, and her life becomes a total mess. Also, her eyes remind me of a fish.

Leslie From NBC’s Parks and Recreation = Pocahontas

This past season’s forbidden love and fallout thing between Leslie Knope (the Amy Poehler one) and Ben Wyatt (the Adam Scott one) is just like Pocahontas and John Smith. Just like it. Also, the connection in this video makes me sad-giggle.

Annie From NBC’s Community = Every Disney Princess Ever

I mean, look at her. I bet the words “Disney Princess” were in the casting description. Alison Brie should totally voice the next Disney animated feature. Someone start that social media campaign.

Cat From The CW’s Beauty And The Beast = Belle From… Wait, What?

This one doesn’t premiere for a couple weeks, but from what’s been released… it’s so bizarre. The heroine, Cat, is like a homicide detective or something. Watch the clip… it looks more like CSI then that thing with the dancing candlesticks!

What other TV heroines - Disney Princesses matches can you come up with? Show us in the comments!

We hope it made your day a little more magical! Be sure check out the Ahh-Giver app on Facebook to send your friends a funny message and a Coke.

This merchandise is so bizarre that it proves one thing. Directioners will buy any and all kinds of crap that helps them express their love for One Direction. Including One Direction music! I kid, I kid, Directioners. You know I love you! Here's a look at 11 of the strangest pieces of 1D merch around!

Uggs

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These are like Crocs-colored Uggs, which I'm pretty sure is kind of like being the poopiest crap. What does Uggs have to do with 1D?  The only connection I can think of is that I said Ugh when I found out how much my Directioner cuz spent on VIP tickets to a 1D concert in Summer 2013. Hope she doesn't mature into a rational teenager by then!

Bieber Bashing Necklace

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The worst thing about this necklace is it makes me wanna defend Bieber. The second worst thing is the idea of One Direction infecting me. I don't want Koala Chlamydia no matter how cute it sounds.

Dolls

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What Directioner would buy these creepy little things? They're WAY too small to practice French kissing on! Although they would be the perfect little voodoo dolls...Beliebers everywhere are scrambling at this very moment to buy them.

Custom Platform Shoes

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I have a feeling whatever non-jailbait lady is wearing these will for sure be getting backstage. Don't forget your cab fare home and low self esteem!

Underwear

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These are such a fail. Everyone knows that 8 out of 10 Directioners prefer Harry on their crotch.

Nails

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I can only assume that if you like 1D these nails make sense.  Btw the glue is included. So get your nails on! And then scratch some tweener's eyes out when they block your view of the 1D tour bus pulling out.

Toothpaste

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I don't wanna squeeze a tube of anything 1D related and then put it in my mouth. JUST SAYING!

Art

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The saddest thing about this 'art' is something the seller says in the description. "Face it, old dictionaries are useless. Nobody really uses them anymore either, since looking up a word is as simple as typing it into Google."  It's true but it just makes me sad. Like sadder than seeing this 'art' hanging in someone's house.

Tweet Pillow

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I guess I could see a Tweet pillow being cool if you were memorializing a RT you got from Niall...nah that wouldn't make it cooler. Nevermind.

Clothespins

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The crafter who is selling these seems super sweet so I'm not going to diss these 1D clothespins. In fact I'll probably buy them as stocking stuffers for my cousin, because I feel so guilty for just thinking mean things about them.

Ice Pops

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Sure I could write a joke about tweeners sucking on these phallic, rock hard 1D ice pops, but that would just be a cheap shot. And I would never make a tasteless joke like that! These pops are completely innocent. 

And if you prefer your completely innocent 1D treats soft and cream-filled, the Tiny Idols brand has got you covered! I'm a bad, bad person I think.

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Which merch do you think is the strangest? Do you wanna call me a hater? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Weirdest Things I Saw In The New One Direction Video!

Little children have been a nutritional staple/pastime of monsters and boogeymen before there were closets or beds to lurk under. Parents have cleverly used this fact to their advantage, often bargaining with their brats for good behavior lest they get forked over. Cross culturally many specific types of fiends appear over and over again. Here is a list of the 8 most common types (with plenty of crossover) that the mostly under 18 set need to watch out for. OR ELSE.

Collectors (Slender Man, Tooth Fairy)

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Whether it’s whole kids or body parts, the Collectors are the hoarders of the underworld. They just can’t help themselves! To your organs! Eh? Eh? This commenter knows what I’m talking about.

Sins Of The Father (Freddy Kruger, Jason Vorhees)

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These types are usually created through reckless behavior or well meaning mobs. Revenge is the order of the day, and it’s best served with sequels.

Old Ladies (Baba Yaga, Black Anis, Hansel and Gretel’s Witch)

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The next time you hear an old lady say they want to eat those cute wittle baby waby feet, you should probably take them a little more seriously. No child deserves to be gummed to death.

Just For The Hell Of It (Michael Myers, Pennywise)

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Sometimes I watch Halloween and I realize I have never committed to anything as much as Michael Myers has committed to killing horny teenagers. Respect.

Yum In The Tum (Krampus, Cuco, Pale Man)

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In the monster’s defense, because of all the fattening foods and inactivity, you children do look delicious. Just keep your eyes glued to Ian or Anthony’s dreamy haircuts and don’t worry about the BBQ sau- I mean savory lotion being applied to your hindquarters.

But I Am Your Daughter (Changelings, Cuckoos, Damien)

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This type isn’t exactly in it for the child murder per se. It’s just a means to an end to steal their life and get all the toys and love they aren’t appreciating anyways. I’ve had similar thoughts whenever I hear about Suri Cruises’ birthdays.

Ladies Who Want Babies (The Woman in Black, La Llorona, Lilith)

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These terrifying ladies just want a baby, their baby, your baby to call their own. Which leads me to believe that even hell has US Weekly’s with Jennifer Aniston’s sad womb on the cover.

Jerry Sandusky

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This one is by far the scariest!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Get googling if you’ve never heard of some on the list and you’ll be in for a treat! Which type of monster scares you the most? Any you want to feed, I don’t know, a younger sibling to? Let me know on Twitter or leave a comment below! OR ELSE!

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

Wev've all had our voices insured for millions of dollars at one point or another. Some of us have gone the extra mile. I've had most of individual fingers insured on the off chance that I accidentally set my hand on a railroad track when a train is coming at some point. Adam Lambert, however, may have gone the way way extra mile and insured his voice for a whopping $48 Million Dollars.

Adam Lambert as his alter ego "Fred Krueger," which he uses when he feels like going into the dreams of teenagers and killing them.
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The slightly left of center publication Huffington Post reports that The Sunday Mirror reports that Adam Lambert's reported $48 million dollar neck is not the first celebrity body part to be insured. Bruce Springsteen reportedly spent $5.7 million on his voice, and Justin Bieber not long ago spent a reported $146 million to insure his bangs.

Each individual hair is worth $948,000
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For all the money that Adam Lambert has spent on his voice, he's not particularly careful with his throat. For instance I heard he's very into auto-erotic asphyxiation, and just last week he was spotted having bet his friend $5 he could swallow a fork.

Adam Lambert, holding the dog he bet his friend $20 he could swallow.
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Adam plans on touring for his sophomore album "Trespassing" soon. I can only assume that he plans to fall throat first on a metal guard rail while singing "No Boundaries" and collect on his insurance policy.

It is a little suspicious that Adam Lambert just spent $48 Million on accessories for his Wii
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How much are your body parts worth? Let us know in the comments below!

Oh man, Pokemon really chap my hide. Look at them, with their big grins, and their sense of superiority. BE YOU MONSTERS, OR BE YOU WHATEVER “POKE” MEANS?! But not all Pokemon are created equal. Some are way more smug than others, so here are the 10 Pokemon Who Act Like They’re Better Than You:

Mewtwo

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Ever since this guy was the star of the first movie, when the show was at the height of it’s North American popularity, he’s walked around like he’s better than you. You think you’re so great because you’re an incredibly powerful “psychic” Pokemon? Well, read my THESE thoughts! (Hint: They’re incredibly insulting.)

Drifloon

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According to the Pokedex, Drifloon “tugs on the hands of children to steal them away.” Oh, trying to steal our children, huh? Let me guess why: you think we’re all terrible parents! Also, apparently you sold your life story to be the basis of the film “The Tall Man”.

Entei

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If there are two things you’ve thought in your life time, they were probably “Man, Mastiff’s are smug” and “Whoa, Lions are ALSO smug” (99% of people encounter Mastiffs before Lions). Well, here’s the deal with Entie: IT IS A COMBINATON OF THOSE TWO ANIMALS. Also, it’s classified as a “Legendary” Pokemon, and that title is just so condescending.

Snivy

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Look at that smug expression, like he can't wait to evolve away his arms. What a jerk.

Snorlax

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Thinks you’re so boring he just sleeps through all your conversations. Even if you throw a pokeball at him, he most likely just pops back out, still asleep. I asked how your day was, Snorlax. ANSWER ME!

Floatzel

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What is that, a dainty little scarf he’s wearing? YOU’RE NOT SO FASHIONABLE AND HIP, FLOATZEL!

Watchog

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Watchdog, stop watching me. I know you think I’m wasting my life, and if you were me you’d do things all different, but you’re not me. YOU’RE NOT ME WATCHDOG!

Zapdos

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Look at those furrowed brows, always disappointed, always judging. He’s just like your Father, always disapproving of your life style choices. Do you think I wanted to end up writing Pokemon articles for children, Zapdos?! DO YOU?!

Life Do you ind yourself yelling at fictional cartoon characters? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These Reasons High School Is Better Than College!

In Kindergarden, we're all told the biggest lie we'll ever hear: "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up." That's incorrect on a number of levels. First, if I don't have awesome genetics I can't be a basketball player or supermodel or basketball-playing supermodel. Second, what I WANT to be isn't what I SHOULD be. Oftentimes, the careers we would pick for ourselves are so mind-blowingly stupid that we ultimately don't WANT them. Here are some of the clearest examples of dumb careers we wanted when we were kids.

Video Game Tester

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Being a video game tester is a nightmare of a job. You work long, long, LONG hours testing the WORST games, replaying the same sections over and over again until every bug has been recorded. It's like Dante's fifth circle of Hell, except that he couldn't have enven DREAMED of something as wretched as Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2013.

Fireman

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I get it, firemen are big and tough. They're real American heroes, saving kitties and babies and other cute things from horrific fires. But here's the thing — fire departments really only need one guy to drive the truck and one guy to man the hose. Every other firefighter is just given mindless busywork, like messing around with ladders or chopping down walls in an ALREADY BURNING BUILDING. Yeah, REAL useful. The fire was already handling that, dumb dumb.

Also you need at least 20/30 vision to be a firefighter and if you don't have that they tell you you're disqualified even if it's your DREAM to be a fire fighter. Then you get really bitter and don't have any career options besides writing angry and inaccurate blog posts about firefighters for Smosh.

Doctor

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With the number of malpractice suits occuring in the health care community, the only way to be a successful doctor these days is to get a medical degree AND a law degree. If you really want to be a healer, just play as a medic in Team Fortress 2. You don't even need ONE degree for that.

Pro Wrestler

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Even though pro wrestling is fake, you still get slammed on a hard mat 80 times a night. Then you travel around the country, driving for hours and hours, in the hopes of getting a match in front of a crowd who MIGHT react to you. And the only end goal is winning a world championship that David Arquette once won. So that title is REALLY prestigeous. It's like winning 6 million dollars in the lottery after some nobody has spent 5,999,996 dollars of it.

Ninja Turtle

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Sure, it would be great to eat pizza and learn karate all day, but you don't realize the hardships invoved with learning to work as a team with your fellow turtles and fighting the Foot Clan day-in and day-out. Also this job is fictional and if you take it you will have no income and die on the street.

Rock Star

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Did you know that, in order to write lyrics with enough pathos to make it to the top of the charts, you have to get addicted to drugs, booze, and p*ssy? Yucky! For me it's Jesus, ice water, and Real Dolls™, yessir!

Which career that you used to want do you now want least? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 10 Ways To Make Sure You DON'T Get That Summer Job!

Chaos. War. Destruction. These are heavy subjects, and also all grouped together in the Thesaurus I just used for reference. But not all destruction is chaotic. Or war… ish. Some of it comes, not from a place of pain, but a place of pleasure. Painful, painful pleasure. Those times when your emotions are so threatening to boil over, you think “I either smash something, or I may literally just burst into flames.” Well, Lords knows I’ve been there, and from personal experience I can say that these are the 7 Most Satisfying Acts of Senseless Destruction:

Snapping a Controller

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This is a classic, that moment of pure frustration where you start twisting down on both sides of, what feels like at the time, the hand of the evil box that is causing you so much frustration. Sure, this results in the need to almost always shell out 50 bucks over the next few days, but for abrief moment you get to feel like you hurt you PS3 right back.

Whatever’s-On-Hand Toss

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Related in spirit to the controller snap, this move entails just grabbing the first thing you can get your hands on, and then flinging it across the room. The item could be anything, chair, blu-ray case, toddler, whatever.

Intentional Rear Ending

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Here’s an important lesson about driving: Other motorists are garbage. And every know and then, when one of these sub-humans cuts you off, you just get the craziest urge to, not slow down, but just plow into their rear bumper, thus demonstrating to them the logical outcome of their dangerous behavior.

Dinner Plate Smash

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You know how in movies, when a family is at the dinner table and everyone is arguing and then one person (often the patriarch) gets their attention by throwing a plate of food at the wall? Well, the reason that is a go to move in film, is because that move really works effectively. And it feels good to watch the spaghetti slowly unstick, and drop from the wall. METAPHORS!

Scream, Scream, And Scream Some More

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There just moments in your life where you go “you know what the only thing that will make me feel better right now? Shredding my vocal cords.” Fun fact: My friend once screamed so hard her throat bled!

Wall Punch

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Why are you punching the wall? The wall has done NOTHING to you. BUT THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SENSELESS (and also that wall has been acting like a jerk).

Annihilate A Planet

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Hey, look, we’re not condoning any of the things on this list, but I gotta say, whether it was the Phoenix Force, or Star Wars, or some jerk playing Master of Orion 2, blowing up a planet always looks IMMENSELY satisfying.

I think I might have some rage issues. WHO DARES CHALLENEGE ME? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These Broken Neon Signs!

Tenagers are always cranky and sullen. We know this about them. But why might that be? Well, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says only 7.6 percent of teens are getting the recomended amount of sleep: 9 to 10 hours. So parents, one possible explination your kid is disengaged and surly could be that they're not getting enough sleep.

Or, they could just hate you.
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It turns out that teens need more sleep than the average adult. Upon entering puberty, a teen's brain begins to delay the release of melatonin, a hormone that induces sleep, by about an hour and a half, says Mary Carskadon, a professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University. This means that, to get to an optimal resting place, teens need an hour and half more sleep than adults do.

And let's be honest, getting that much sleep is difficult. Between school, homework, and sports, where is all this time for sleep supposed to come from? I mean, the time commitment required for Mass Effect alone is basically 90 percent of today's teens' schedule.

Seriously, the length of these games is f*cking untenable.
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Besides that, "sleep pressure", which is basically the scientific term for sleepiness, slows down during adolesence, so teens don't get tired as early. And if all of those factors weren't enough, teens also lose a little of their morning light sensetivity during puberty, making it harder to be awake and alert.

With all these factors in play, you'd almost think God has it out for teenagers. If teenagers were awake and alert, they'd be the perfect humans — able to take in and process large amounts of information while ALSO being physically capable of protecting themselves? Why, teens would basically rule the world if they had a clear, well-rested mind.

And what could go wrong with a teen in charge?
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One possible way to help teens get enough sleep is to change the time school starts. Wake County, North Carolina has shown an increase of three percentile points in math and reading scores after their start time was delayed an hour.

And besides that, starting school later just makes sense. Waking up while it's still dark out is a relic of when we were a farm based society. Hey, school boards? We've moved ON from farms, okay? We have iPHONES now. I looked to see if there were any FARMING apps on my iPhone and there AREN'T. There are only ADORABLE VIDEO GAMES about farming.

This is because a real farming app would be STUPID and ARCHAIC.

source: WSJ.com

Do you think that you get enough sleep? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out this Vietnamese Man who hasn't Slept in over 30 Years!

As much as you’d like to think we’ve weaned ourselves off processing information aurally, there are still times when you can’t accomplish your mission without resorting to improvised dialogue. Breathe, you can do this. If it’s not about one of the following topics, you’re probably going to be okay. Here are the most annoying phone conversations you could possibly have.

Discussions Of Where To Eat

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Seriously, just send me the freaking Yelp link to the place you want to go. I know you have something in mind already. Pretending we “really don’t care” where we go for dinner is incredibly inefficient, and it’s just going to result in us picking one of those lowest-common-denominator restaurants again (I see you, Make-Your-Own-Stir-Fry place).

Anything To Do With The Phone Company

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The only reason to call the phone company is if your phone isn’t working or your phone bill is too high. Either way, you’re going to be agitated the entire time you’re on the line. You’re also probably borrowing someone else’s phone who is now equally agitated.

Anything To Do With The Insurance Company

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Similar to those phone company convos, but with higher stakes. If you’re calling the insurance company, chances are you were in an accident, had something stolen, or just endured the trauma of learning what a deductible is. And that “Like A Good Neighbor” jingle doesn’t sound so cute when you’re hearing it on hold for a solid 45.

Pre-Blind Date Interview

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Somewhere along the line, we were taught that it’s proper etiquette to hear a person’s voice before we date them. In practice, however, neither party wants to be on the phone for more than a verbal confirmation of intent to attend the outing. They probably don’t have much in common yet, and the stuff they do have in common will feel icky when shoehorned in before a restaurant decision.

I Can’t Make It To Your [Event That Is Important To You]

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Ughhhhh. Facebook events made it so easy to decline an invitation, but that method seems callous if the event is really important to the host. You’re going to have to call (even those written RSVP cards aren’t okay) and explain why you can’t go to her wedding/bat mitzvah/super-sweet-17th because you might not feel like driving across town on that weekend a year from now. And you’ll hear the disappointment in her voice. And you’ll hang up and feel like a jerk. And then you’ll call back and be all just kidding, I’d LOVE to come if there’s still room.

When Someone Is On A Delay

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There was a lot of competition for this slot in the Annoying Phone Convos list: interrupted service, dropped calls, “Can you hear me? I can hear you!”s, but the ultimate telephonic irritation is when someone responds to your questions an unsettling three seconds later. Was he judging you? Taking time to filter his true feelings to just tell you what you want to hear? Are we breaking up? Why is this SO AWKWARD?! Oh, you were using a Bluetooth? Yeah, yeah, that’s better. Okay, I’m outside.

What other phone conversations do you guys hate to have? Let us know in the comments!

We hope it made your day a little more magical! Be sure check out the Ahh-Giver app on Facebook to send your friends a funny message and a Coke.