Listen – I’ve had it up to here with you always trying to touch my stuff. What am I gonna have to do to get you to stop putting your grubby mitts all over my stuff? Write a damn essay? Is that what I’m gonna have to do, Trevor? FINE. I’ll do it.

It’s Covered in My Musk

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Reason number one? Because it's covered in my musk. And by "musk," I mean Jovan White Musk. It smells like a poor, elderly woman. Trust me; you don't want to get a whiff of it.

It’s Mine

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Reason number two? Because it's my stuff, Trevor. Mine. Do you understand the word "mine"?

You’re Too Stupid to Get It

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Reason number three? Because you probably wouldn't even know how to use it, you're so stupid. This is some sophisticated stuff right here.

You’re Gonna Get Chocolate All Over It

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Reason number four? Because the last time you touched my stuff, you got chocolate sauce all over it. Don't shake your head at me. Look at your hands, Trevor – they're covered in chocolate sauce RIGHT NOW. Chocolate sauce and...gravel? Is that gravel? What the hell have you been eating?

It’s Not My Stuff

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Reason number five? It's actually, um, not my stuff. It's my big brother's. And he'd totally kill me if he knew I was acting like it's my stuff, so please please please don't tell him. Please! Listen...fine. I'll let you touch one of his things. But lightly. I said lightly, Trevor!

I Have to Go to Work

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Reason number six? 'Cause if you touch my stuff, I'm gonna have to let Jeff touch my stuff, and if Jeff touches my stuff, Dave's gonna wanna touch my stuff, and it's just gonna become this whole thing. I don't have time to let everyone touch my stuff, Trevor. I've gotta go to work – this Arby's isn't gonna manage itself.

My Grandma Gave It to Me

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Reason number seven? Because this pile of filthy rags, a.k.a. my stuff, is the last thing my grandma gave me before she passed on. My stuff is very special to me...OK, Trevor? For the last time, you can't wipe your chocolate fingers off on my grandma's heirloom pile of rags! Get away from those!

You’re Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

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And finally? Because if you keep pokin' around my stuff, you'll be cruisin’ for a bruisin’, buddy. THAT'S why.

What would you do to defend your precious, precious stuff? Let me know in the comments!

Click here to check out What’s Up!

After all the running, the shooting, the crashing, and the dying, what is really on your favorite video game characters’ minds? Let them tell you in the following books never to be seen on Amazon.com….

Which video game character do think should write his or her life’s story? Let us know in the comments below!

Check out 20 Hilariously Awkward Parent Autocorrects!

Our natural human instincts tell us to avoid insects and lizards. I mean, come on. They're UGLY. But our defenses are easily penetrated by adorable little animals, and that makes adorable little animals the most dangerous animals of all. Here are some of the cutest animals who have ended a human life:

Goat

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A man named Carl Hulsey tormented his pet goat, Snowball, hitting him with a stick to make him more aggressive, presumably to fight off goat bullies. But after years of abuse, Snowball got HIS and rammed Hulsey over his deck, sending him to his death. While animals that kill humans are generally put down, the story of Snowball went around. Soon a campaign to save his life began and resulting in Snowball's eventual stay of execution. That said, everyone on Snowball's side now that he's married to Hulsey's widow.

Monkey

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Sure, it's all fun and games on TV sitcoms when someone gets a pet monkey and names it something hilarious like Mr. Tigglttums or Bradley, but real-life monkeys are dangerous. In fact, in the Indian city of Delhi, wild monkeys attacked the deputy mayor, sending him tumbling off his balcony to his doom — seemingly the adorable animals' preferred modus operandi. This points to a cute animal conspiracy, and, let me tell you, once the cute animals start planning together, we're done for. It'll be like fighting a tiny, cute Legion of Doom, and you can't hit Gorilla Grodd if he's a baby.

Puffer fish

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Don't let his his jolly demeanor fool you — the puffer fish is full of deadly poison. There's even a reported incident of the puffer fish killing a killing a paratrooper, either the strongest or weakest kind of soldier.

Although, the poison doesn't really help the puffer fish. Since it would need to already be dead for it to have any effect, making the puffer fish nature's passive aggressive roommate. Reeeeeeal mature, puffer fish.

Duckie

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One time a duck kamikazed himself into a man on a boat, delivering “blunt force trauma” to his head, and knocking him into the water where he drowned.The duck’s body was also recovered, so it was like a duck murder/suicide.

Sleepy baby kitten

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The ultimate stealth operative for cute animals, the sleepy baby kitten is allowed to go ANYWHERE, even where we store our most vulnerable humans — the crib. This cat suffocated a baby, which is horrifying. Murdering a baby is so frightening that when this story hit the Hell version of the internet, Saddam Hussein, Judas Iscariot, every Nazi ever, Richard Nixon, the real-life guy who Jason from Friday the 13th was based on all got together and were like "Cold move cat. Cold move."

What adorable animal do you hope ends your life? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out Real-Life Animals That Are Basically Monsters!

Novelty songs are the bane of my existence. They are always annoying, always catchy in the same way a horrible, deadly flu is catchy, and every terrible chain business will start playing them non-stop as soon as a new one creeps up on us. If you’re wondering what a novelty song is, it’s not simply an incredibly catchy song from a singer/band that clearly has the longevity of unpasteurized milk. It’s a deliberately cheesy, insincere song, often made by someone who isn’t really a musician. Need some examples? BROTHER, WE GOT EM! Here now, are the 8 Worst Novelty Songs:

Bloodhound Gang: The Bad Touch

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When I was twelve, it thought this song was hilarious. You know what else I thought was hilarious? Everything else that was not even remotely funny. This song features the most immature sex jokes, I swear I once heard a thirteen year old boy describe it as “a bit much”.

Elmo & Patsy: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

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This list could exclusively be Christmas Carols, but we’ll keep it to this one. This song would be fine and cheeky if I heard, I don’t know, a couple times around Christmas. Instead you hear it NON-STOP AROUND CHRISTMAS! I understand not everyone wants a very solemn Christmas (I don’t even celebrate it) but this has got to be the dumbest song of all time. “Hooray our savior is born, haha an elderly woman was involved in a hit and run with some mythical creatures.”

Tom Glazer: On Top Of Spaghetti

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Kids, good lord kids, you gotta stop with the song. A rollicking yarn describing the adventures of a meatball that rolls onto the floor after it is sneezed off its plate (what?), it is always sung as loud and as off key as possible by a child who really needs an XBOX controller shoved in his hands or something.

Aqua: Barbie Girl

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Look, I get that this song is also satirical. It’s making a point about the beauty myth, and the standards placed women. BUT IT IS ALSO THE MOST ANNOYING! Satire does not get a pass just for being satire, it’s still obnoxious if it is the sonic equivalent of enduring needle torture.

Tom Green: Lonely Swedish (The Bum Bum Song)

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SHOOT. ME. IN. THE. FACE.

Baja Men: Who Let The Dogs Out

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This song would have been bad enough if it had just existed as most bad novelty songs do, happening to us then not happening to us, but instead we got countless parodies of it, be they just quick one offs on the Simpsons, or horrible national marketing campaigns. This song is reviled not just for the damage it did on release, but for the after effects we had to deal with for years.

Eddie Murphy: Boogie In Your Butt

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Why can’t people just do what they do exceedingly well?! Eddie Murphy is funny! He was the biggest comedy star in the eighties! Why do performers feel the need to do other forms of performing once they become successful? RL Stine didn’t start writing biographies based on the success of Goosebumps.

Los del Rio: The Macarena

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Congratulations, Los del Rio, you’ve managed to make weddings even worse.

All art must be approved by personally, right? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These Examples Of Cartoon Logic!

There's yearbook fails and then there's this prank, which is kind of a win? Maybe? A student at Mother Theresa High School in Canada has created an uproar after it was discovered that he had pulled out some of his junk for a yearbook photo. Not very Mother Theresa-like of him. Unfortunately for those opposed to  balls making surprise appearances, the ball picture made the cut and is in 1300 already-printed yearbooks. Here's a look at the offensive photo...ball free for your SFW viewing pleasure.

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The prank was finally noticed by school officials when the yearbook was handed out last Friday. I mean in defense of the school and the yearbook publishers, the nuts were extremely hard to notice.

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Nonetheless, the school will be handing out stickers to cover up the offending bits to those who want their high school memories porn free. Well, at least in the yearbook.I can only dream of having so awesome in my yearbook. Why cover it up? Although I am curious to see the sticker. I'm really hoping Lisa Frank created something for the occasion. Like a limited-edition unicorn ball cover.

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The school has sent a letter of apology to the parents. The girl below is all like 'BUT WHY DID NO ONE NOTICE MY EXTRA EYE!!" 

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What do you think of this prank? Hilarious? Disgusting? Disgustingly hilarious? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out These WTF Yearbook Photos!

Holiday Specials are a staple of television. They've been around pretty much forever. A lot of shows are a little too uppity and think that they're too good for a Holiday Special. They need to get off their high horse and give the people what they want. I personally don't think any show should be allowed on the air unless it has a Holiday Special planned. Here are Holiday Specials that I want to see.

The Walking Dead

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It would be nice to see everyone on this show have fun for once. There are tons of empty malls just filled with stuff. There has got to be one with a zombie Santa and some undead elves. That Santa's belly is shaking, but not like a bowl full of jelly. It's more like a bowel full of smelly. It would be especially cool because they could make a bunch of references to the mall from Dawn Of The Dead complete with murderous bikers and an escape by helicopter at the end of the episode.

Homeland

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Christmas is one of the busiest travel times of the year and Homeland is a show about Homeland Security. It makes so much sense. They could have some terrorists high jack a plane. Just when you think they're going to crash it, Santa Claus shows up in his sled to save the day. After that, of course they would keep Santa on for the rest of the series as a key member of their team. Some people might think this breaks the reality of the show, but I just think those people don't believe hard enough.

Breaking Bad

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Walter White is getting way too greedy. I think he needs to get a little bit of the Christmas spirit in him. Instead of trying to profit off of his blue meth, he should make candy cane striped meth and go out in the streets wearing a Santa hat to give it away. I'm sure it would end up with some big shoot out or explosion where a bunch of innocent people get killed. At least, it would be nice for a little while.

Eastbound and Down

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Eastbound And Down has put Kenny Powers in just about every bad situation you could possibly think of. Just when you think he can't get any lower, he goes steals his dead friend's truck. I think the only place left for him to go is to work as a mall Santa. He's pretty much always broke so it seems like a good fit that he would play a trash talking Santa Claus with Stevie as his helper elf.

Game Of Thrones

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Game Of Thrones is so serious all the time. I'd like to see everyone lighten up for a little bit. Tyrion could dress up like an elf and give out presents, the Starks could go snowboarding North of the wall, and Joffrey could decorate a tree with severed heads. I mostly just want to see Santa's sleigh pulled by white walkers. Those are presents that you probably don't want to open. (They're just more severed heads.)

Louie

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Louie already did a Halloween episode. Why not do a Christmas episode? It could be about how sad Christmas is without his kids or maybe about how he goes out with a woman and then it turns out she has a Santa Claus fetish. Either way, I'm sure things would get super awkward since that's pretty much how every episode turns out.

Dexter

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It's pretty creepy that Santa Claus comes in to your house while you sleep. Luckily, the real Santa just leaves presents and then leaves. I don't think a Santa on Dexter would be so jolly. He'd probably be a lot more like the ax murdering Santa from Silent Night, Deadly Night or Bill Goldberg from Santa's Slay. It'd be fun to see Dexter stalking different mall Santas to figure out which one is the real killer. Hint: It's the one with the perfectly clean Santa suit. Do you know how expensive it is to get something dry cleaned every day? Most of those Santa suits are super gross with filth.

Lord Of The Rings

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The Star Wars Holiday Special is considered to be one of the most blatant cash grabs in the history of holiday specials. They're turning the one Hobbit book in to three movies so they definitely are looking to cash in on the franchise. I would love it if they made a Lord Of The Rings Holiday Special. We always see a little bit of The Shire in these movies. I want to spend a whole adventure there. They can make up some dumb Hobbit Holiday that is pretty much Christmas. Then, someone bad shows up, does something evil, and finally learns a lesson about being good. Give me what I want! It's my Christmas and I'll cry if I want to.

What TV show do you want to see do a Holiday Special? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out The True Meaning of Christmas (According to TV Sitcoms)!

So is everyone still going through iCarly withdrawal?? I'm gonna miss the iCarly gang! And my dirty mind is gonna miss all the naughty and inappropriate innuendo this show constantly got away with. It's a show aimed at and about teens for chrissakes! But all the best kid entertainment has something for those with a more sophisticated palate. And by sophisticated I mean someone who can appreciate a good fapping reference. Here's 8 of my favorite inappropriate iCarly jokes!

iHatch Chicks

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Joke In Question: Spencer regarding a chick he found in the shower: "I picked him up thinking he was a bar of soap. I stopped before...Nevermind."

Only Spencer can take an adorable tale about finding a baby chick and make it seem so, so wrong. I honestly have nightmares thinking of the horrors that baby chick almost suffered! Kind of gives new meaning to the term 'choking the chicken'. 

iShock America

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Joke In Question: A whole show basically about the world seeing a child's junk!?!

I'm pretty sure this wouldn't have been as acceptable if Carly's pant's had fallen down on National TV and she wasn't wearing any underwear. But it was Gibby. So yes, let the jokes about his danger zone and his flapjacks fly!

Freddie's Apartment Number

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Joke In Question: Um...hello?

The only people in the world who don't know what this means are moms who accidentally text it thinking it's a big smile. 

iBust A Thief

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Joke In Question: Fifty Shades of Grey Reference

Two concepts I've never had together in my mind are 8 year old boys and S & M books popular with bored horny housewives. There's a reason for that Dan Schneider! It's disturbing enough to see Grannys reading it at the public library!

iLost My Mind

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Joke In Question: When Spencer asks where the olive oil is, Carly replies, "In the bathroom, where you left it."

WE GET IT! Spencer is not only an idiot but he proudly wears his fapping on his sleeve. Oh hell no! Ewww. The more I write this blog the more everything is starting to sound dirty. 

iDate Sam And Freddie

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Joke In Question: Gibby yells "I loves Pini's!"

Oh Gibby! It's bad enough when you proclaim your love of ...eh hem...PINI'S. But the Pini's joke gets hammered even harder when Sam proclaims that she wants to be buried in...eh hem... Pini's lasagna. I don't even wanna venture onto the Urban Dictionary and see if that's really a 'thing'.

iStage An Intervention

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Joke In Question: Uh...wangs?

This dirty little reference also shows up to garner some immature laughs on Victorious and Drake and Josh. Mmmm now I'm hungry for some bang bang noodles and some wang wings. I wonder what the BF stands for...I have a few inappropriate thoughts about it. You?

iBeat The Heat

Joke In Question: Seriously...they're not even trying to be subtle her!

I have to give mad props to Miranda Cosgrove and Nathan Kress. I would not have been able to make it through the filming of this scene without some serious peeing in my pants risk.Total pros!

Which one are you most shocked by? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 6 Signs iCarly Hates Hobos Too Much!

Sure, America's free market-based Capitalism has caused tons of asian children to work themselves to death, but the TRUE evil it's wrought is the fact that Capitalism forces video game companies to haphazardly add multiplayer modes to their games hoping players will be less likely to trade them in to GameStop. Here are the worst examples of bad, dumb, useless multiplayer.

Metroid Prime 2: Echoes

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There wasn't enough to Metroid Prime 2's split-screen deathmatch multiplayer mode to separate it from the other brilliant multiplayer experiences we were getting at the time. In other words, Metroid Prime 2's multiplayer is a pre-GoldenEye game in a post-Halo world. And thus, I did with my copy of Metroid Prime 2 what must be done with all dinosaurs and threw it into the La Brea tar pits along with my grandmother and 1996 Geo Metro.

Bioshock 2

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Bioshock the First was one of the best games of this generation, mainly because its underwater world of Rapture was unlike anything we'd ever seen before. So when a sequel was announced, it faced the difficult task of recreating that wonder and novelty.

"Maybe we should add multiplayer to our first person shooter," suggested a Bioshock designer who probably brings sand to the beach, extra tables to potlucks.

Assassin's Creed

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To win in Assassin's Creed multiplayer, you have to look into a sea of visually similar characters and figure out which are your real-life opponents and which are game-generated artificial intelligence. It's an interesting concept, to be sure, but YOU have to pretend to be a game character as well, so the gameplay itself is you walking around slowly and trying not to do anything interesting. Essentially, you're pretending to be an AI, which is THE MOST BORING THING. If I wanted to pretend to be a computer I'd go try to talk to my cousin with Asperger's.

PlayStation All Stars Battle Royale

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Granted, the whole game is a multiplayer mode, but this is such a clear Smash Bros. clone that I feel the whole thing is useless. Now, I know, I know. This is a much DEEPER fighting game than Smash Bros., but if you wore the same dress as another woman to, say, a gala, you wouldn't say it was different because it has a slightly stronger stitching.

New Super Mario Bros. Wii

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The multiplayer is New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a catch 22 — the only way to be good enough at Mario to survive its chaotic four-player mode is to have played enough Mario games that you've ostracized everyone in your life. Therefore you don't HAVE anyone to play multiplayer with you. The number of times the multiplayer mode in New Super Mario Bros. Wii has been played is the exact number of combs sold to bald people.

Uncharted

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When playing Uncharted, you put up with the terrible gameplay because the story is cool and feels cinematic. So why have a ,multiplayer mode that inherently must strip away the cool, cinematic feeling of the campaign and focus on the wretched, flimsy gameplay? It's like peeling an orange and eating the rind. It's like only watching season 2 of Friday Night Lights. It's like making a rap mixtape with only skits. It's like being murdered as a child and not getting any free candy. It's like buying a bag of Hershey's Kisses and only getting the wrappers.

What's the worst multiplayer game you've ever played? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out the 9 Scariest Games of All Time!

There’s a lot you could do if you were immortal and/or could time travel, just ask the Doctor. You could use your cumulative knowledge to cure cancer, to create utopias, to craft the perfect burrito, to learn the great mysteries of life itself. Then again, you know they’d just use it to pick up chicks “Hey, is this guy boring you? I’m a time traveling immortal”. Here are 20 celebrity images (sadly all male) that prove immortality/time travel exists.

Nicolas Cage

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Michael Cera

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Conan O’Brien

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Danny Pudi

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Peter Dinklage

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Eddie Murphy

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Will Ferrell

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Jack Black

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Michael Jackson

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John Krasinski

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Leonardo DiCaprio

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Orlando Bloom

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Brad Pitt

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Ben Schwartz (aka Jean Ralphio)

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Sylvester Stallone

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Justin Timberlake

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John Travolta

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Trent Reznor

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Mark Zuckerberg

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Keanu Reeves

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Where would you go if you could time traverl? Let me know in the comments below! And don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or I will cease to be.

Check out the best of the Drunken Baby meme!

Ummm...okay nerds, you're kind of creeping me out. WTF is going on here??  Give us a funny caption that helps explain this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!

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If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 12/10/12 will not be considered. Good luck! 

CAN'T WAIT? You can buy a shirt HERE!

Most memes are dumb as hell. Some, however, are worse than dumb – they’re wholly illogical. Sure, perhaps I’m not “hip” and “with it” enough to “get” ‘em, but I’m pretty sure these memes literally make no sense. If they do, in fact, make sense, feel free to flame me in the comment section.

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What’s the most nonsensical meme you’ve ever seen? Let us know in the comments!

Click here to see The Top 10 Memes of 2011!

We've known there's been some problems with the data-side of Apple Maps for a while, but it's nothing to get riled up about, is it? I mean, Apple Maps occasionally guesses your initial location wrong. And it might send you to a Taco Bell when you wanted to go to El Pollo Loco. Worst case, it'll get you on the 101 and then the 10 and then the 405. Maybe you'll even be a few moments late to your precious work.

"NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WORK."
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But now we're hearing about the first truly dangerous problem with Apple Map — a warning from the police department of Mildura, Australia.

And no, the problem with Apple Maps in Australia isn't what you'd suspect.
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When an Australian searches for "Mildura" in Apple Maps, the app directs them right to the middle of Murray-Sunset National Park, a semi-arid nature reserve that is popular with the outback-exploring bushwalker crowd and also masochists. Drivers using Apple Maps are finding themselves stranded in Murray-Sunset without food or water — some for up to 24 hours at a time.

But let's not forget how well Apple Maps is DESIGNED.
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The Mildura police department has even reported drivers losing their phone reception in the middle of Sunset-Murray, saying they "had to walk long distances through dangerous terrain just to get phone reception". Now, keep in mind, Australia has poisonous snakes hanging out all over the place, an ocean full of deadly jellyfish and octopus, and crocodiles that eat little kids ON THE REGULAR. Do you have any idea how dangerous the terrain would have to be for an Australian police department to call it dangerous?

NO ONE IS SAFE IN AUSTRALIA.
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What mapping app would YOU use in Australia? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Really Santa? Reindeer again? You can sprinkle your magic flying dust on anything to make it fly. Why do you pick reindeer every year? I think you should mix it up. There are these creatures you may have heard about that all have awesome special abilities. They're called Pokemon and you need to get your bag of magic dust cause they need a good sprinkle. Here are Pokemon that would make great reindeer.

Volbeat

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Everyone knows the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. But what if something were to happen to Rudolph? Volbeat could take his place without missing a step. Not only does Volbeat's tail glow, they can also use their tail to draw patterns. That way Santa won't have to be unemployed for most of the year. He could spend the rest of his time as a night writer for birthdays and wedding proposals.

Wailord

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Wailord are huge. They are so huge that one Wailord could probably take the place of an entire team of reindeer. Why go through the trouble of taking care of so many animals when you can just have one giant Pokemon. Sure, they technically can't live out of water, but Santa's got a whole bunch of magic, you guys. If he wants a Wailord, Santa gets a Wailord.

Miltank

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Everyone knows that you are supposed to leave milk and cookies out for Santa. He pretty much lives off of them. He has a lot of houses to go to and some of the milk might be spoiled or even worse, it could be Soy Milk. If he has a Miltank on his sled team, he'll never have to worry about eating another cookie without a tasty fresh glass of milk.

Hypno

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Hypno has pretty much one special ability. It can hypnotize people and put them too sleep. Never again will Santa has to worry about coming down a chimney and being discovered by some kid who stayed up all night. Now Santa can just send Hypno down the chimney first and hypnotize anyone that might still be awake. Sure, Hypno will probably then feat on their dreams, but they shouldn't have stayed awake to try to meet Santa.

Koffing

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One problem that Santa has been having recently is that he can't keep up with all of the modern radars and weaponry. NORAD has been tracking Santa for years and now a lot of less friendly countries are getting in on it as well. Koffing can create a large amount of gas to shield Santa from all of those missles being fired at him. He does spew out clean gas when he's happy. If things get too rough, Koffing can break off from the team and spew some of his poisonous gas on the people trying to take down Santa.

Vanilluxe

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Over half of the planet isn't going to have any snow on Christmas. Vanilluxe mixed with a little Christmas magic could bring snow to the entire globe. Sure, it may permanently destroy the delicate ecosystems in most of these non-snowy regions. But SNOW YOU GUYS! SNOW! I just hope Santa doesn't get in the mood for ice cream while o his travels cause Vanilluxe looks delicious.

Stantler

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Stantler is the Pokemon equivalent of a reindeer. What better Pokemon to replace the reindeer? The only difference between reindeer and Stantlers is that Stantlers can use their antlers to make illusions. A whole team of Stantlers could make a pretty sweet illusion to keep Santa totally hidden from anyone seeing them. They could also just make it look like giant versions of Ian and Anthony were flying around holding hands and giving presents out. That's what I would prefer.

What Pokemon do you think would make a great reindeer? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out Famous Creatures That Would Make Great Pokemon!

There are many celebrity scandals that will live on in our hearts forever. The TomKat divorce, Prince Harry's Junkgate, and my personal favorite, Kristen Stewart cheating on RPatt. It's actually the first time I've ever been interested in anything she's done. But other celebs need to try harder if they want to live on in infamy. Here's a look at 2012's most forgettable scandals.

Drake and Chris Brown Club Fight

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When you're constantly beating up on women, literally and figuratively like Chris Brown is, it's hard to make an impression with some regular old same sex violence. This would be more memorable if Drake beat the living crap out of Brown and I had the pictures to prove it.  Why he didn't go for it, I'll never know, YOLO and all that.

Whitney Houston's daughter gets it on with her adoptive brother

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This is 2012! If you want to stand out for having an incestuous relationship we need some blood relative action! If there's no genetic risk to your offspring, then your relationship is as hohum as it gets.

Paparrazo Claims That Justin Bieber Hit Him

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No one believed this guys claim for one millisecond. And if it is true, he should be too ashamed to admit it. Seriously dude, get some dignity.

Miley's Haircut

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It's hard to believe this was ever a huge deal. Aren't we used to Miley doing things for shock value at this point? It says a lot about a girl when her haircut is bigger news than her staged sexy pic leak.

Hulk Hogan Sex Tape

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We've all been in collective denial about this tape's existence since the news broke. Let's keep it that way.

Angus T. Jones Meltdown

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Nice try half man. Charlie Sheen's all like 'Been there. Done that.'  I've never seen this show, but I'm pretty sure it should just go away. Jon Cryer can stay.

Lindsay Lohan Tax Trouble

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Remember when Lohan punched the psychic? Yes! Remember her embarrassing turn as Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie? Uh huh, I made 15 animated GIFs from one scene alone. Remember when her assets were seized by the IRS? She has assets? Exactly.

Hilton's Homophobic Rant

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I already forgot about this. I'm glad to see Hilton ahgvdbsjsnore snore. HUH? Where was I?

Charlie Sheen Threatens To Sue Strip Club

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Sorry, Charlie! But after the Tiger's Blood incident of 2011,  this is just a big meh. Although I gotta admit you have chutzpah for threatening to sue a strip club for character defamation. You should sue yourself! SNAP!

Wiz Khalifa Arrested For Marijuana

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THIS WAS NEWS?!?! 

Which Scandal do you find the most forgettable? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 10 Child Stars That Became Messed Up Adults!

You may think you know all about Santa from the TV specials, movies, songs, books, and his self-published autobiography “I’m Cold, I’m Old, and All These Midgets Keep Asking for Health Benefits.” But those only scratched the surface about what the real Kris Kringle is like…

Santa Is Not a Good Businessman

When you’re raised by a bunch of elves in the tundra centuries before online classes and long before people were expected to live past middle school, you don’t quite learn the basics of running a major conglomerate. Like not building factories on top of shifting ice floes. Or not promising a single shipping date for the entire planet. Or not counting on people leaving out cookies so you at least have something with which to pay your employees.

Santa Is Not Up on the Latest Gadgets

Each year it gets harder and harder for Santa and the elves to keep up with the latest technology, especially since they all received their training in woodcutting, wood staining, and simply nailing two random pieces of wood together and calling it “Retro Legos.” So when they’re asked to make something like a Wii U or an iPad they do the only thing possible—wrap a black wooden frame around an Etch-a-Sketch and attach a note saying, “Disappointment is a part of life.”

Santa Has Questionable Hiring Practices

People have long wondered why Santa only hires elves. The reason is elves have a tendency to really blow their SATs and so have few opportunities after high school. Couple that with the fact that it takes a certain kind of individual to willingly move up to a place that’s always frozen, has absolutely no hospitals or supermarkets, and is the world’s leader in “death by polar bear disembowelment” and you begin to realize Santa may not be attracting the best and brightest to his workshop.

Santa Has Other Dreams

Santa didn’t always want to spend his life in a frozen wasteland running a toy operation that makes illegal copies of other companies’ products and is barely kept afloat by Russian mob money. He wanted to act. And sing. And dance. Which is why every year Santa forces all his elves to sit and watch his one-man musical extravaganza “Les Miserables Featuring the Phantom and Cats with Music from Mama Mia.” After which the elves usually revolt and burn down a factory or two.

Santa May Be Getting Too Old for This

No one knows how old Santa Claus really is, mostly because he’s assumed so many identities over the years—Santa, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Papa Noel, among many others—each with their own ID, credit history, and wife. But given how often Santa will lose energy on his flight and simply toss the gifts from his sled down to the houses below—often resulting in a Lexus with a big red bow going straight through a roof—or forget what he’s doing and go into people’s houses to try on their clothes, it may be time for one of the younger elves to take over the business.

Santa Could Soon Be Looking for a New Line of Work

As much as routinely breaking into homes, leaving free stuff, and getting payback by raiding liquor cabinets sounds like a great business plan, Santa’s Workshop may be in trouble. So this year before you try to send Santa a Christmas list so large that Gmail says it’s too big for an attachment, think about all he has to deal with, all the troubles he has, and at least thank him for having the courtesy of dropping your parents’ new Lexus through the roof of your neighbor’s house instead.

How did you find out that Santa wasn't real? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out 20 Kids Terrified of Santa!

Guys, sometimes a very popular webseries steps up its game by going outside its internet boundaries and roping in one of the biggest stars ever. Epic rap battles did that this week, by getting Snoop Dogg (or Lion, or whatever, because I’m old enough to know just how many times this generation of rap stars changes their alias’) to play Moses in it’s battle between Santa Claus and Moses. While it’s a big plus to get a star of Snoop’s caliber, let’s take a look at some of the down sides to the move:

So many people they look like a recycled ‘Flintstones’ background
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When you go up against Snoop In a rap battle you have to know that Snoop will draw the giant crowds. This guy has been destroying since the very early nineties. It’s like saying “I think I’ll challenge this guy to a battle at something he’s been one of the best at since I was just a twinkle in my father’s eye.” Well, your father’s eye can’t save you now!

"When you’re this successful, all jewelry must also be language."
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And his popularity feeds into another important point: Snoop is one of the best.

Sure, you putting him your videos that are all about rap may seem like a good move initially, but know this: A mediocre rapper is absolutely horrible when faced to go up against one of the best of all time. Having a popular youtube channel doesn’t exactly qualify you to go up against the writer of “Nuthin’ But A G Thang”.

"Just like my job, except for the drugs, recognition, fame, money, sense of satisfaction, or even a lunch break"
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Snoop does too many drugs to be beneficial. Sure, when he’s dropping lines about how he was ”high up on the mountain” we all laugh and appreciate the world play, but you know who doesn’t? Mothers. Moms with a purpose take great joy in getting things removed from Walmat, and the like. And who’s more of a symbol of youthful rebellion and violence than the formerly incarcerated Snoop Dogg? Not Rod Stewart, Mom and Dad will insist (though, when your parents are drunk I bet you can get them to admit Rod Stewart is awful).

I’m too old to remember my name.
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The final issue with this: Snoop is done, man. Sure, he’s a legend t guys my age and older, but we’re not helping anyone break into youth culture. For God’s sake, I listen to Neil Young. When was the last time a record-buying nineteen year old said “I need to get me the new Crazy Horse album.” Snoop had his time, and by using him in a cameo to promote your video, you only denigrate both the quality of your video and his career. Please know, however, I am always available for a cameo (for a fee I need the money). Anyway, here's the video. 

There is almost nothing as powerful as the love of a parent for a child, except for my father's love of nothing. When those parents have a lot of money, they tend to let their feelings get out of hand. Here are some of the craziest gifts rich parents have bought their kids:

Gold Game Boy ($30,000)

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Some crazy rich parent out there must have a good sense of humor, otherwise this thing wouldn't exist. There's something beautiful about a machine that, despite being coated in 18K gold and diamonds, is still incapable of playing Pokemon in color.

Diamond Pacifier ($17,000)

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Diamonds are the hardest substance known to man, which makes them an excellent choice for soothing babies. There are 278 diamonds in this pacifier, and not one of them is a substitute for love.

Ferrari 612 Scagletti ($500,000)

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David Beckham bought one of these for his newborn daughter, who, like most newborns, can't drive. This reminds me of the time I gave my paper shredder $500,000, only to learn that my paper shredder neither had any use for it nor even understood what ownership meant. At least I have a bunch of green confetti. David Beckham just has another thing to make his maids clean baby poop off of.

"Tumble Outpost" ($122,730)

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This is a whole playground made for one incredibly lonely child. Do you ever wish you could spend the amount of money a struggling middle class family might save up for their entire lives on a plaything that mocks the concept of "home" and therefore their dreams? Well now you can! And it's all thanks to the d-bags at the incredibly d-baggishly named website PoshTots.com. Wealth is cruelty.

Diamond Spoon ($1,230)

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If you try to use this to feed your child, he or she will literally choke on irony.

Are you a capitalist pawn? Let us know in the comments!

Check out What Rich People Do For Fun On Their Summer Vacations!

You guys know about Maroon 5? They’re a pop band famous for songs like Moves Like Jagger (featuring Christina Aguilera), and Payphone (featuring Wiz Khalifa rapping about how his cars start with a push button).

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Also, none of them are Maroon. Pop music is a LIE.

A few months ago, Maroon 5 announced that their next video would be made up of fan-submitted video clips. The next single was going to be called Daylight, and so the project was called the Daylight Project. On the Daylight Project’s website, they asked their fans to submit videos of things like “Film yourself partying. Hard…” or “Film yourself talk about what your biggest regrets are.” Because when you want to honestly confess your deepest feelings, you want to do it to a judge on "The Voice."

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Well Maroon 5 got plenty of videos, and yesterday released the “Daylight” on Vevo and YouTube. Among the tearful confessions and shots of people dancing, there was a very special guest. BOXMAN.

Yes, Boxman, one of the earliest Smosh creations, had made his way into the Maroon 5 video for Daylight. And it wasn’t someone dressed up as Boxman, it was straight up just a clip of Boxman 2.0.

So did some sneaky Smosh fan submit the clip and pretend it was their own? Is there a video editor over at Maroon 5 who loves Smosh? Does MAROON 5 WATCH SMOSH? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Here’s the Video for Daylight. Boxman makes his appearance around 5:55.

What do you think happened? Is there an EPIC Smosh fan that tricked Maroon 5? Let us know in the comments!

(Thanks to @EnglishSmosher, who sent in the first tip about this on Twitter!)

Check out Boxman for President!

Anyone who has spent more than five seconds on online gaming is well aware that it's a cesspool of racism and terror. But stick around a little while longer and you'll find there's plenty of non-game entertainment to be had there. Case in point: my favorite things I've heard shouted on Xbox Live.

"Go to hell IN HELL!"

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This may pose a theological problem to our religious readers, but according to one young man who was quite upset about getting shot in the face, hell has its own sub-hell. This makes me think that the kid I killed had been to hell and back, and knew that wishing damnation upon me was pretty tame compared to hell's hell. Pretty heavy stuff for a twelve year old!

"I DON'T LIKE YOU!!!!!!"

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Hate is really just twisted love. This kid knew that the only way to really get to me was to communicate his dislike for me as a person, way deep down. It stung. I will never forgive him or myself.

"(80,000-way tie between every time I've been called gay)"

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Believe it or not, I actually enjoy being called all varieties of homophobic slurs on Xbox Live. Why? Well, there are lots of things on Xbox Live that are just plain insults, almost none of which can be printed here. Getting called gay is just an incorrect fact. Unfortunately, no one has every screamed "YOU HAVE BLUE HAIR" at me, which is equally incorrect and equally not an insult, but much funnier.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

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Humankind has given the world such articulate masterpieces as the plays of Shakespeare, the Sistine Chapel, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Humankind also shouts a lot. Once on Xbox Live I heard a guy scream wordlessly for about 40 straight seconds. It connected me with my animal side so much that I tore off my clothes and ate a bunch of raw steaks. Other than the food poisoning, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. What I'm saying is art is overrated.

"You are nothing like the man I hoped you would be."

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Don't play Xbox Live with your dad. He doesn't like Xbox Live.

Do you have unresolved rage issues? Let us know in the comments!

Check out PETA Calling Pokemon Evil!

December 212, 2012. According to the Mayan Calendar and anyone who also describes fortune cookies as “eerily accurate,” that’s the day the world will be destroyed by…well, no one knows that part yet. But if you play it right, the end of the world can be the beginning of the best part of your life…until you blow up, get sucked into a black hole, or realize gravity has somehow been shut off.

Finally Get to Be a Superhero. Or Jedi.

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The end of the world means you no longer have to get a job for the money. You can now get any job you want, real or not, for the fun of it! So tie a bed sheet around your neck as a cape and fight crime until you realize a cape is the perfect way for criminals strangle you. Run out into the street wearing only a bathrobe and wielding a yardstick shouting “Where’s Darth Maul?!” to a society too busy screaming and looting to make fun of you for not having the decency to at least cite a good “Star Wars” movie. Or just keep screaming “I’m a nude astronaut!” as you run around your neighborhood wearing only a helmet and a big smile.

Purchase Anything on Layaway

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Find out if money really can buy class by diamond-encrusting every limb. Buy a house with a retractable roof so you can let in the sun and your own Harrier Jet. Build three extra floors on your parents’ garage and then get hovercrafts. With no upcoming bills to worry about and no one taking the time to find out your credit history involves being declined for Coca Cola Reward Points, you can now see just how many life-size, working Transformers it takes to submerge a private floating city.

Call It Like It Is

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Let’s be honest—you’ve held your tongue long enough for the sake of being nice. But with the world ending on December 21, it’s either now or never to let people know that maybe their baby isn’t the type that should be photographed. Or tell bad drivers that you’re now going to play by Mad Max/Road Warrior rules, hence the train grill in the front of your Honda Civic. Or say to the biggest, meanest bully you know that you’re going to beat the crap out of him behind the school on December 22. But make sure to do all these things with air quotes, that way if the world doesn’t end you can say you were just joking.

Accomplish Every Lifetime Goal That Can Be Done in a Few Hours

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Write the Great American Book Review on Amazon.com. Earn a PhD. in air conditioning and refrigeration. Travel to a wildlife preserve operated by Six Flags. Learn to play an instrument, like the tambourine or triangle. See the pyramids for what they really are on the Discovery Channel. Perform stand-up comedy once, while drunk, at a friend’s party. Reorganize your priorities by deliciousness. Just do anything that takes almost no time so that you can say in your last few minutes, “I really did something with my life.”

Overcome Your Fear of Rejection

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Too shy or embarrassed to talk to someone? Well, it’s now or never to get over your fear of rejection and ask out every single person you’ve ever had a crush on. Then ask out every single stranger you see. Then wait for your cell phone to butt-dial anyone and ask that person to marry you. Just keep putting yourself out there again and again, because 1) If they do say “no” you won’t be around long enough to feel bad about it and 2) Someone, right now, is also asking out everyone they see, so the two of you are bound to meet up eventually.

Enjoy the Hell Out of Life

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We never really apprecaite life until we think we’re about to lose it. So with the world about to end what better time to really make the most of living...or to put it another way, “Go batsh*t crazy.” Start a conga line with every person who passes by on the street. Ride an elephant to, from, and through school. Invent a new language using only crossbows and screams. So put on that astronaut helmet, take off those clothes, and show everyone in your town just how much fun “Nude Mars” would have been. But make sure to have a fake backstory ready in case the world is still around on December 22, that way you can claim all your insane behavior was the result of a bad reaction to flu medicine.

Are you stoked that your government is letting global warming run rampant so that by the time you're 40 the world will be a desert hellscape? Let us know in the comments below!

Check Out 9 Surprising Ways The World Could End!