After 23 James Bond movies, I think I'm ready to say that I get it. Maybe for the next film we could see the story from another character's perspective? Let's take a look at what that Bond movie would look, focusing on the newest Bond girl — Boner Insideofme.
The plan is laid out, and the plan is seduction
Usually Bond doesn't find out until the end fo the movie that he's only been sleeping with his lady partner because she's working for the enemy But in this Bond movie, Agent Insideofme would be told right up front by the, I don't know, North Koreans(?) that her mission is to seduce Bond. Because women spies are used for seduction missions and men spies are used for missions that aren't seduction missions. That's like secret agent 101-level stuff.
45 on-screen minutes in a bikini
The first half of the film's second act is one single, uninterrupted shot of agent Insideofme on the beach in a bikini. James Bond is going to come around and advance the story eventually, but first, tanning! And Mai Thais! And TANNING.
Listen to Bond's personal connection to the bad guy
Let's be honest, the villain is probably an ex-MI6 agent who's now working for the North Koreans. Here, agent Insideofme proves her worth. Not necessarily by saving Bond, but by listening to him explain his backstory with the villain.
Eventually, Agent Insideofme will be captured by the villain and taken back to his home base. If, up to this point, Agent Insideofme has been portrayed as Bond's equal (in terms of intellect, not importance), she'll survive. If she's been sultry, or if she's foreign, she's dead. The movie could very well end right here. Eventually Bond will show up and have to choose between the mission and the girl. He's almost for sure gonna choose the mission.
Suddenly realize she's in love with Bond
At this point in the movie, Insideofme realizes that, despite her objectives, she truly has feelings for Bond, the man who has straight-up murdered like a thousand dudes right in front of her and made quips about it.
Have the exact opposite realization
This is the ENTIRE reason to have a movie based on the Bond girl — Audiences will finally see the moment when the Stockholm syndrome wears off and Agent Insideofme realizes that JESUS CHRIST JAMES BOND IS A MONSTER.
Would you watch this Bond girl-centric Bond movie? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!