We've all dreamed about being a superhero when we were little kids. I know I did. I would wish that a truck full of radioactive waste would crash in to my house or I'd find a magic amulet lodged inside a tree. It never happened. I wanted a superpower so bad that I didn't even care what power it was. Now as an adult, I've come to realize that most superpowers would actually be really inconvenient and lame if you had to deal with having them all the time. Here are superpowers that would suck to have.

Magnetism Manipulation

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Why It Should Rule

Magneto is one of the most badass mutants in the Marvel Universe. He has total control over any metal that has magnetic properties. He can do anything from making force fields to flying to throwing tanks at you. He even pulled all of the adamantium out of Wolverine at one point. With this kind of power you'd definitely be able to rule the world.

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Why It Would Suck

Hard drives are magnetic and they get erased when they are around a strong magnet. That's right. If you have magnetism manipulation powers, then you can never use a computer or play a video game. What is the point of ruling the world if you can't spend your free time leisurely playing Call Of Duty while someone feeds you grapes?

Invulnerability

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Why It Should Rule

Invulnerability is a power that makes it so absolutely nothing can hurt you. You could walk away from the center of a nuclear explosion if you wanted to. There would be absolutely no situation that would be too dangerous for you so you'd go down as one of the greatest superheroes in history.

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Why It Would Suck

Since nothing can hurt you then you're going to have to do a lot of incredibly dangerous stuff all the time. Whenever there is a situation where someone could get killed, they will call on you all day every day to come fix the problem. It would probably eventually get boring the hundredth time you have to save a bus full of kids from a volcano. The other thing that would suck is that everyone would constantly try to kill you. They wouldn't be successful, but it would get old about the thousandth time someone tries to stab you with a flea market katana.

Talking To Fish

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Why It Should Rule

People make fun of Aquaman all the time because they claim he has a useless power. I personally think it would awesome to be able to talk to fish to have them do your bidding. The earth is covered with over 70% water. That means if you had fish talking powers then you'd be the most powerful superhero on the majority of the planet.

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Why It Would Suck

The thing about talking to fish is that fish have extremely short memories. It's kind of hard to get something to do your bidding if it can't even remember that you had a conversation five minutes ago. Fish are also scared of everything so most of your conversations will involve you explaining that you aren't there to kill and eat them.

X-Ray Vision

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Why It Should Rule

Every perverted 12 year old hopes that they could somehow get X-Ray Vision. It's mostly with the intent of getting to see some naked ladies. At that age, all we know are teh bewbz r jawesome and we want to see them somehow. You could also use your powers to spot criminals through walls who have maybe broken in to a bank or whatever. The bewbz are the number one most important thing here.

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Why It Would Suck

First off, X-Ray vision wouldn't let you see any bewbz at all. You'd see through the bewbz and just see a bunch of skeletons running around all the time. It'd be like living a nightmarish hellscape. Secondly, you're going to give everyone you know cancer. X-Rays are legit radiation and not the good give-you-super-powers kind. It's the give-you-cancer kind of radiation. Not seeing bewbz is the number one more important thing here.

Super Intelligence

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Why It Should Rule

You're on Smosh so you're probably one of the smartest people you know. If you were any smarter than you are now, you'd be able to invent any technology or cure any disease. Having super intelligence would let you lead the Earth in to a golden age of enlightenment where we all fly around with jet packs on and no one has irritable bowel syndrome and everyone has video games built in the their brain.

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Why It Would Suck

Being smarter than everyone is depressing. You can feel really isolated when everyone around you is a total moron. There wouldn't be anyone worth talking to so you'll probably end up just staying at home and playing Minesweeper on expert all night. It doesn't matter how smart you are if you never actually accomplish anything.

Time Travel

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Why It Should Rule

I love history and there would be nothing more awesome than getting to go back in time and party with all of history's greatest figures. You could go horseback riding with Genghis Khan. You could stow away on the Apollo moon mission. You could even attend an orgy with Ben Franklin. He was really in to those. You could also go back in time and right some horrible wrong and change the course of humanity for the better if you really felt like it.

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Why It Would Suck

Time is very sensitive and complex. You never know how your actions might accidentally change the course of human history for the worst. It could be something as simple as stepping on the wrong flower and then you come back to the future and the whole planet is over run by cyborgs. Then you have to go back and not step on the flower, but you instead you accidentally squash a fly and the unthinkable happens. Pokemon never existed. It's just way too much work to go back in time safely to even bother with it at all.

What other superpowers do you think would suck to have? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!

Check Out Super Powers I'm Glad I Don't Have!

I've painstakingly documented the filthy innuendo in iCarly and Victorious, now it's Drake and Josh's turn! I'm like the premiere scientific researcher in the field of dirty jokes on TV aimed at teens. My mom must be so proud! Here's 8 naughty jokes you won't believe they got away with on Drake and Josh. Or maybe you will believe it, because you're already jaded and cynical at a very young age.

Merry Christmas, Drake and Josh

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Joke in Question: Josh says to Drake, "Never put your finger in me again!" 

Drake needs to leave Josh alone! From the very first episode he's been grabbing at Josh. Maybe that was his main incentive for loosing so much weight. Were his moobs too tempting? Eww. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse than imagining where exactly Drake stuck his finger. Awww man, now I have a gross combo image stuck in my head.

The Helicopter

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Joke in Question: Drake is uncomfortable when Josh is attached to him from behind before they jump out of the helicopter.

Oh now Drake's the uncomfortable one! There's really only one way to one-up someone sticking their finger in you. That's all I'm gonna say. But live in fear, Drake. Because when you least expect it...wait I forgot I wasn't gonna say anymore. Moving on...

The Storm

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Joke in Question: When Josh sees Gary, the drummer in Drake's band, with sunblock all over his face he looks disturbed before saying, "Okay, what's all over his face?"

Okay, I'm trying to figure out a way to put this delicately, but I don't think one exists. Whatever you do...don't ask your mom. You don't wanna know that she knows what this joke means. Trust me.

Dr. Phyllis / Josh Runs Into Oprah

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Joke in Question:  Drake puts his rear end on Josh's picture of Oprah. While he does this, he says, "Oh yeah! Me and Oprah cheek to cheek!"  and the door to Oprah's hospital room looks a little private part-y.

Since these are both Oprah-themed I'm lumping them together. I think Drake's rear on Oprah's face is pretty self-explanatory, but did you ever notice the weird looking wood grain on the door? It looks like Georgia O'Keefe put down her paint brush and got into wood-working. 

The Affair

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Joke in Question: Peggy tells Drake and Josh she also considered a woman, they think she's talking about a date, and they look strangely at each other.

So Peggy swings both ways...when  it comes to hiring a new meteorologist. Get your minds out of the gutter Drake and Josh! But I think what we all want to know is WHERE DID THE LOBSTER PINCH JOSH?!  Go ahead, tell us. We won't tell Megan.

Peruvian Puff Pepper

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Joke in Question: Josh is listening to radio instructions on making salsa . As he is holding two peppers, the announcer instructs him to 'handle the ingredients as if they were a fine woman.' Josh immediately drops the peppers, embarrassed, and says, "Sorry ma'am!"

Hot peppers=boobies. It's nice to see that Drake is finally the one grabbing boobies instead of being the victim of the groping. Hey Girls, did you know about your peppers?

Grammy

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Joke in Question: This convo:

Grammy: Back in my day, I used to go out with band players.

Josh: I don't even want to think about my grandma going out with dozens of musicians!

Grammy: Then I shouldn't tell you what I did last weekend, but I will say, it's a good thing I have this new hip.

Josh: Uh-oh, am I gonna' see you on Grammies Gone Wild?

Okay, so some men find Grammy to be a GILF. An acronym that should not exist. I really don't wanna know how she broke that hip. Especially if it involves getting beads at Mardi Gras.

Steered Straight

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Joke in Question: 'Steered Straight' is supposed to be about scaring kids from pursuing a life in crime. Yeah.

Drake and Josh is so full of naughty innuendo between it's two leads, that it's hard to believe that the name of this program has absolutely no other meaning than the one presented. But these boys definitely love boobs. Even if they are attached to a man. 

What are some other jokes I missed? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below! in the comments!

Check Out 8 Jokes You Won't Believe They Got Away With On Victorious!

If you’re anything like me, you’ve blocked out the vast majority of your childhood memories. The memories you’ve kept, however, probably all have something to do with either receiving or playing with a sick-ass toy. Not only did the sick-ass toys of our youths keep us from interrupting mom during Margarita Mondays with the gals, they taught us a few things about life– valuable lessons that the selfish little twerps of today could surely use. Straight up, these 90’s toys need to be brought back from the dead ASAP. (And not just so I can unload all these slammers that have been stashed in my closet for the past 15 years.)

POGs

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POGs were the playground’s great equalizer; after all, you didn't need to be rich in order to afford cardboard circles plastered with images of sharks on surfboards. Also, since POG battle winners got to keep the POGs involved in said battles, you could use your superior slamming skills to basically steal from your classmates. If you had the talent and the chutzpah, all you needed to invest in was a bomb-ass slammer and you were good to go.

Tamagotchis

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Listen – kids today have it too damn easy. Doing homework on their iPads? Letting Roombas vacuum their floors? They’re gettin’ soft! They need to be taught a little somethin' about responsibility – they need Tamagotchis! (After all, if you didn’t clean up a Tamagotchi’s poop, it’d die...just like a non-digital baby!) Kids these days also need to be taught how horrific LCD screens were; maybe then they’d appreciate that iPod their parents gave them that they DIDN’T EVEN SAY THANK YOU FOR.

Hacky Sacks

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Hacky Sacks exist because The Dave Matthews Band exists. I don’t know why they fell out of favor – The Dave Matthews Band is still the most popular band in the world, right? Or have I just been too high for the past twelve years to notice otherwise? Marijuana's legal in multiple states, people! Bring back the hack!

Koosh Balls

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Ah, Koosh. 'Cause if Rosie O'Donnell likes it, it's gotta be good! (The exceptions being Tom Cruise and calling grown-ass adults “cutie patootie.”) In the 90’s, there was nothing more fun than hitting your siblings in the face with a garishly colored hard rubber projectile. The constant threat of Koosh Balls being thrown at my head taught be there is no safe place. And what kid doesn’t need to learn that lesson?!?

Moon Shoes

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Going to outer space is still a luxury afforded only to astronauts and rich weirdos like Richard Bronson – average Joes like you or I are never gonna make it to Deep Space Nine. Moon Shoes, however, replicated the Moonwalk experience by making a kid’s steps, like, super bouncy. And when they were cross-branded with Nickelodeon? GET OUTTA TOWN! They were unstoppable! (At least, until the rubber bands on ‘em broke.)

Skip-It

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Hey, America! Wanna nip that whole "childhood obesity epidemic" in the bud? Get Michelle Obama to hop around on TV wearing one of these and BOOM, the Skip-It will once again be the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Which, incidentally, you should only eat in moderation.)

Creepy Crawlers

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Ah, kids and ovens…a match made in heaven! I’d constantly try in vain to "creep out" my long-suffering mother with the neon-colored bugs that popped out of this glorified Easy-Bake Oven. The lesson I learned via Creepy Crawlers? My mom wasn’t a moron. ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, KIDS? YOUR PARENTS AREN’T MORONS, OK?!?

Remember how insufferably long it took to fill up a Super Soaker? Let me know in the comments!

Check out 6 Classic Toys You Can Still Use Every Day!

Hey everybody!

If you are going to Playlist Live this year, and are interested in meeting Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox, here's the schedule below for their signings/meetups. Stop by, say hello, and try not to get lost in Ian's crystal blue eyes or Anthony's crystal dark hair.

Check out the Smosh twitter for more updates, and don't forget to tweet your Smoshy Playlist adventures with the hashtag @smoshplaylist. We'll be retweeting all weekend!

Thanks and HAVE FUN!

Smosh Signings

SATURDAY

3:00 pm – 5:00 pm

Meetup Table 6

SUNDAY

1:00 pm – 3:00 pm

Meetup Table 5

Merch Booth – Stop by, grab a shirt or a poster, and say hi!

TWEET US!  If you’re going to Playlist Live, tweet us your pics using #SmoshPlaylist… we’ll be retweeting all weekend! 

Growing up to be a productive person is really hard. Like, really really hard. Teachers can tell you what to memorize, and parents can tell you what NOT to do, but if you have a specific dream, you probably could use a MENTOR. ACUVUE® has created the 1-DAY Contest featuring celebrity mentors like Demi Lovato, Joe Jonas, Dwight Howard & Shay Mitchell who will spend a day mentoring a teen and giving them the tools to get them one step closer to their 1-DAY dream!

It makes me feel jealous, since all the mentors I had in high school were English or Chemistry teachers - they weren't CELEBRITIES. Here are the celebrity mentors I'd want if I were a teen today.

Dwight Howard as my basketball mentor

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It seems like a no-brainer to have Dwight Howard as your basketball mentor, and if being on your school's basketball team is important to you, then yeah, do what you can to secure Howard's guidance.

Will Smith as my dating mentor

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If you've ever seen the found-footage documentrary Hitch, you know that Will Smith is the world's greatest dating coach. He got Kevin James a date. Have you seen Kevin James?

Morgan Freeman as my public speaking mentor

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I have a hard time speaking in front of crowds, but I'd feel a lot better about it if I had Morgan Freeman's smooth, sultry voice. Although, I don't know if Morgan Freeman is able to teach me how to sound like him, but I have to TRY, don't I?

Bill Nye as my science mentor

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If you ever watched his old show, you know how much Bill Nye loves dinosaurs. And while any science mentor you get will of course have the option to teach you about dinosaurs, no one is going to want to do it as much and as often as Bill Nye. 

Clooney as your confidence mentor

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Goddamn it Clooney is cool. If you need confidence, no one is better than Clooney, because he is so sure of himself that he somehow makes you feel more sure about yourself. It's a remarkable feeling, seeing Clooney and suddenly believing that, yeah, I could be that cool someday too.

Ewan McGregor as my regular-life, day-to-day mentor

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Ewan McGregor played Obi Wan Kenobi, who is the greatest mentor of all time. Although, McGregor only played Obi-Wan when he was mentoring Anakin Skywalker, and that whole thing kind of turned into a bust. But listen, if you want to be mentored by Obi Wan Kenobi, you take what you can get.