It was just announced that Clive Barker will be writing and directing a new movie called Zombies vs. Gladiators. There have been tons of versus movies in the past and there will be tons more in the future. I wish they would ask us who we want to see fight each other. Here are the Versus Movies That We Want To Make:

Pokemon vs. Digimon

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We've been wanting to see this show down forever. Pocket Monsters fighting Digital Monsters. It's undeniable that Digimon is a rip-off of Pokemon, but who has the more powerful monsters? Pokemon, duh!

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash from Evil Dead

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There is already a six issue comic book series by the same name. It's just waiting to be made. No one has ever been able to finish off Freddy or Jason for good. They always seem to somehow come back for another sequel. With a chainsaw hand a lot of attitude, I think Ash is the man to do it.

Emo Kids vs. Dinosaurs

This wouldn't exactly be a fair fight, but it would still be fun to watch. I just hope that the dinosaurs don't get sick from eating all of the eyeliner and piercings.

Werewolves vs. Beefeaters

Zombies vs. Gladiators? How about Werewolves vs. Beefeaters? Beefeaters are the funny looking guards at the Tower Of London. Werewolves are part of the lexicon of English folklore. There have already been hit movies and songs about werewolves in London.

Aliens vs. Predators vs. Terminators

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Adding in Terminators is the next logical step in this franchise. This is already a comic book series, but I want to take it in a different direction from the comic book. Terminators can time travel so this can be placed anywhere in history. Let's take it to to Revolutionary War. I would love to see Ben Franklin and George Washington taking all three of these enemies down.

Zombies vs. Zombies

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Zombies have fought everything imaginable. I've even seen a zombie fight a shark before. I want to see two warring groups of zombies taking each other down. It would be one of the goriest films ever made. That's all we really want out of zombie entertainment.

Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who vs. Doctor Who

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Do you hear that? It's the sound of nerds popping boners all over the world at the mere mention of a movie like this. Let's bring back every Doctor for the ultimate Who showdown! Yes, I know some of them are dead, but they can be recast.

Avengers vs. X-Men

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With the success of the last Avengers and X-Men movies, it's only a matter of time before these two great franchises are crossed over. There is already a comic series by the same name. I would be surprised if this movie didn't get made within the next ten years.

Kramer vs. Mechagodzilla

The original Kramer vs. Kramer was an emotional drama about a divorce. In the sequel, Dustin Hoffman gets remarried to Mechagodzilla. Unfortunately, it doesn't work out and he has to go through another divorce. Who will get custody of all of their Mechababies? The original won 5 Oscars. I expect this one to sweep and win in every category.

Who do you want to see fight each other in a movie? Let me know @zachlunch or tell us in the comments!

Check Out Mash-Ups I'd Like To See!!

So the movie Magic Mike comes out this week. You know the movie that has been titillating the internet with its soft porn pics for the last month? Meemaws everywhere have taken down their Taylor Lautner wallpaper and replaced it with this image:

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But did you know that this movie is written by star Channing Tatum and is based on his real experiences as a pre-fame male stripper? I know...crazy! But he isn't the only celebrity to have a stripper past! Here's a look at 10 celebrities who used to work the pole.

Lady Gaga

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Lady Gaga once shockingly confessed that before she was showing the world her crotch for free, she used to do it for dollar bills at a skanky strip club. The world rolled their eyes, yawned and then stared blankly as Gaga moved on to her next 'shocking' publicity stunt. At this point I think even revealing that rumored penis would no longer be shocking when it comes to Lady Gaga. Well, maybe for a split-second.

Eve

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Pictures surfaced on the internet awhile back exposing the fact that rapper Eve once did some pretty low-rent stripping. It's hard to believe that someone with paws tattooed on their boobies once did something so classless!

Javier Bardem

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Okay,  this one is the first real shocker! And actually the only one on this list I might wanna actually see strip. You know, if I had to pick one. Especially if he's sporting his Anton Chigurh-look. There's just something about a psychopathic killer sporting a prissy hairdo that I can't resist!

Nene Leakes

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After years of rumors, The Real Housewives of Atlanta star finally admitted to once being a 'dancer', as she puts it.  She says she did it for her son and to rebuild her confidence. Yeah, cause when I think self-esteem, I definitely think stripper. Strangely, she doesn't seem to have any shame about appearing on Glee.

Catherine Zeta-Jones

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She may play a Christian crusader in her latest flick Rock of Ages, but Zeta-Jones got her start in the very un-Christian career of exotic dancing. She says she did it to pay for rhinoplasty. Am I the only one more shocked by the fact that she admitted to having a nose job, than the fact that she admitted to exposing her tatas? Nice deflection, Zeta-Jones!

Brad Pitt

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Apparently during his days as a college student, Brad Pitt was a member of The Dancing Bares all-male amateur strip group.  Angelina's all like "So? I open mouth-kissed my brother on national television!" Yeah, I'm pretty sure you can't out-wild Angelina Jolie.

The Octomom

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Speaking of Angelina Jolie,  Nadya Suleman used to strip under the name 'Angelina' back in the day. I don't know what's crazier, having 14 kids without a job or a baby daddy or this fug thinking she looks like Angelina Jolie.  Okay, the kid thing is definitely crazier.

Diablo Cody

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Indie darling Diablo Cody went from stripper to Oscar-winning screenwriter. Nice. Maybe I'm doing this writing career thing all wrong....

Courtney Love

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It's not really too shocking to find out that professional trash Courtney Love used to strip. Unfortunately for her daughter, it's actually the least humiliating thing she's ever done.

The Situation

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Just...no. I don't even wanna see that thing fully-clothed in a True Religion sweat suit. 

Are you surprised by any celebs on the list? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 7 Signs Your Teacher Might Be A Porn Star!

This past weekend we asked you to come up with a funny caption for this sexy babe and some sheep. After thousands of entries, we've unscientifically picked a winner!

So congrats to tenac007, for coming up with the punny caption for this motivator!

Sheep: You're looking good in that baaakini

Girl: Thank ewe

Thanks for all you funny submissions! Look for another contest later in the week!

Didn't win? You can still buy a shirt HERE!

Have you been on your Facebook page today? What am I saying, of course you have! You're popular! Well, while you were counting likes on your pictures and watching Aaron Sorkin supercuts, you might not have noticed that on your public profile you, yes you, have a brand new Facebook email address! Whether you asked for it or not! Anything sent to the address will go to your Facebook Messages, which seems pretty innocuous, but still, a lot of people are angry because our lives are so goddamn good we have nothing real to get angry about anymore.

"THAT'S the Mass Effect 3 ending? I'M DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE TO PROTEST."
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What is the argument against Facebook adding a feature? Anthony Mullen, interactive marketing analyst for Forrester Research, spoke to the BBC, saying this is "a direction Facebook needs to move in - your email is a proxy for your identity on the internet and Facebook wants to usurp people's existing identities with their own to help drive up traffic to its site and lock users into its service."

Right. Facebook definitely needs help locking users into its service.
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But Mullen does make a chilling point - we're battling Facebook for our very identities here. I'd say it's the same thing that happened in Roots, but I've been trying hard lately to use less racially-charged metaphors, so instead I'll say it's like that episode of Smallville where Clark was in a mental institution. He lost his identity because he thought his life as a superhero was all in his mind. Then Martian Manhunter came into Clark's brain and told him he really was from Krypton and that he had to fight the head doctor who was actually from the Phantom Zone. Also I think Lana was there and Lex Luthor was, like, in a wheelchair? I have definitely lost track of this metaphor. I don't know anymore who represents Facebook and who represents us.

What I do know is that that was a pretty good episode of Smallville.
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But does this really affect your online identity? Let's break it down - whose perception of you is going to change because of your Facebook email address? Only your Facebook friends can see it, right? So that eliminates, like, 99.99999999 percent of the world's population. Then, your good friends know your actual email address, so they're never going to use it. But what about people you're not super close with but still need to get in contact with you, like, say, a classmate who needs to borrow a textbook? Well, they probably already know how to message on Facebook, so you have to imagine they'd get to you there as they have since Facebook began.

So we're down to Facebook friends you aren't close with who don't understand the social intricacies of Facebook. That's basically great aunts. The final piece of the puzzle is that they have to have have very specific knowledge of Facebook, in that they don't understand messages but are able to navigate to your "About" page. So your super smart great aunts are out and your super dumb great aunts are out.

That leaves one mediocre great aunt who now knows you
as a Facebook page. So... damn you, Facebook?
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What do you think of Facebook's new email feature? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Animals don't have to spend long hours training to be Parkour Kings Of The Jungle. They're just born badass. Here are some badass animal parkour videos. They should all get a cartoon show together called The Parkournimals. And just to prove how badass animals are, we included one video of human parkour fails. Enjoy!

Tret the Ukrainian Parkour Dog

Fearless Parkour Cats

Spanish Monkey Parkour NSFW

Parkour Gibbon Teases Some Tigers

Puma Fence Parkour

Rosie The Freerunning Dog

Front Porch Squirrel Parkour

Roxy the Hawaiian Parkour Dog

Funny Cat Parkour Compilation

Insane Mountain Goats Jump Down A Mountain

What other animals do you want to see doing parkour? Let me know @zachlunch or tell us in the comments!

Incredibly Badass Bike Parkour!!

True, some fads of the 90’s actually still exist and continue to be manufactured, from the virtual pet Tamagotchi (which teaches children how to come to terms with accidentally killing a baby dinosaur) to child-sized Power Wheels cars (which allows preschoolers to operate an actual moving vehicle, sometimes accidentally on the highway, often in reverse, and while screaming for Mommy). But most fads simply couldn’t make into the 21st century without a desperate reinvention or the collective shoulder shrug of kids everywhere.

Hypercolor T-shirts

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Some fads can last a good 15 minutes before everyone looks at each other and collectively shouts, “WHAT THE HELL ARE WE WEARING?!?” (This happened in the 80’s with acid-wash jeans and in the 70’s with every piece of clothing sold.) Such was the case with Hypercolor T-shirts, which were seemingly invented to identify groping victims. Each shirt was made from temperature-sensitive fabric that would change colors whenever you or someone else touched it. Or whenever you sweat, making it look like your armpits suddenly made a bold fashion statement. Add the fact that Hypercolor shirts would get ruined in the laundry and you had countless kids wandering around in dirty, stinky tees that looked like someone had crossbred a mood ring with Old Navy.

Pogs

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Pogs didn’t start out as collectibles but rather as the little cardboard discs inside juice caps. (Just like baseball cards started out as a way to promote cigarettes and Pet Rocks started out as a way to slowly get rid of mountains.) Then companies started selling those discs without the cap or even juice. (Just like Frisbees were originally sold as cake pans without the cake and Boomerangs as coat hangers without having to hurl a three-piece suit into the air). Then companies started putting little illustrations on them. Then kids everywhere started playing a game in which you stacked pogs into piles and threw a plastic “slammer” on top of them, keeping whatever pogs landed face up. Unless your opponent caught the golden snitch. Or you thought twice about how you were spending your afternoons. In other words, before the Web you had to make your own fun, and sometimes that fun involved playing with things you normally would have just thrown straight into the trash.

Furbies

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What if Skynet from the “Terminator” films had brought toys instead of machines to life? Well, that’s essentially the Furby, a plaything that appeared a foot closer to you every time you blinked until it was on you with a kitchen knife. What made the Furby truly terrifying was not only its ability to learn and adapt but that it could communicate with other Furbies, allowing you to watch a violent revolution slowly come together on your own bedroom table. In fact, had the toys been around just long enough to learn both weaponry and parliamentary procedure we would have wound up with a “Planet of the Apes” scenario in which enslaved humans would be muttering, “I can’t believe I’m being whipped by a six-inch Gremlins knock-off.”

Moon Shoes

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There came a point when Nickelodeon realized that if they just run an ad enough times something would snap inside pre-teens and they would hurl themselves off a cliff into a gasoline truck if they didn’t get a certain toy. Such was the case with Moon Shoes, a product whose commercial ran so often it would seemingly interrupt itself with its own ad. But being told you want something and actually enjoying that something are two very different things when it comes to walking on tiny, cheap trampolines that with just enough of a miscalculation could hurl you into a wall, off a balcony, or over a cliff into a waiting gasoline truck.

Skip-It

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Combining the unbridled joy of an at-home gym class with the festive accessorizing of an all-too-chipper chain gang, Skip-It taught kids everywhere that having fun was as easy as counting to a thousand while jumping in place for six straight hours without food or social contact. Praised by parents for encouraging kids to stop watching TV and exercise (after those very kids had seen the commercial for it on Nickelodeon so many times they held their own families hostage until a purchase was made), Skip-It was eventually upgraded with a counter that came far too late for users already crippled with an OCD number-shouting tic. To this day many twentysomethings can still be seen lifting one leg repeatedly for no reason before they realize everyone in the office is staring at them.

Slap Bracelets

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Finally, the modern miracle for kids exhausted from wrapping a bracelet around their own wrist. With Slap Bracelets all you had to do was slap the band on your arm and it would automatically lock into place, a truly wondrous invention that could only mean hover cars and teleporters were a mere month or two away. Of course, anyone who ever read “Lord of the Flies” or hung around an eight-year-old for more than two seconds would have guessed it would only be a matter of time before something that went “THWACK!” on the wrist would soon be used to go “THWACK!” on other kids’ heads (before the assailant bounced off on his Moon Shoes and into a tree). Eventually slap bracelets were banned across the country after causing more eye and skull injuries in elementary school than Pee Wee Helmetless Jousting.

Eight-Ball Jacket

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“You got a question? You ask the eight-ball.” So said Puddy on “Seinfeld” and so I ask here: Why do some toy-inspired clothing like a Magic 8-Ball jacket hit it big while no one will buy my Rubik’s Cube pants in which you have to solve them before you can wear them because people say it will result in a generation of half-naked, frustrated shut-ins? Sometimes I just don’t understand fashion.

Beanie Babies

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“But wait,” you’re saying. “I just saw Beanie Babies in a store recently!” Alas, what you actually saw are the last defiant but dying members of a once-strong, once-plentiful race of small stuffed animals that proudly went by such names as “Legs the Frog,” “Flash the Dolphin,” and “Chocolate the Moose” (all which sound like the nicknames of the most hilariously inept mobsters ever). As demand for the toy grew, various designs would be retired ( or whacked, as was the case with that bigmouth “Squealer the Pig”). Of course, removing certain models only resulted in parents beating the crap out of each other over a rare Beanie Baby, resulting in countless trails in which the defendant’s own layer couldn’t stop laughing before blurting out , “Over a freakin’ lobster named Pinchers!”

Gak

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Yes, it was gloriously, disgustingly oozy, like some scientist had created a polymer entirely out of snot. And yes, it let you play your own version of “Double Dare” at home so long as by “home” you meant “some other kid’s house so my folks don’t kill me.” But perhaps the thing that truly designated Gak as the ultimate toy was the farting noise it made when you tried to shove it back into its container. So incredible was this one-two punch of playable vomit and odorless flatulence to kids that it’s no surprise Nickelodeon has actually brought Gak back, hoping to introduce a whole new generation to the joys of playing with what would essentially be your liver if you left it out in the sun too long.

Which is your favorite 90s fad? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out  9 Reasons The 90s Were Cooler Than The 00s!

A lot of negative things have been said about Kristen Stewart's acting. On this site, in fact, we've said enough things to fill page after page of a Google search for "Kristen Stewart Stinks At Acting". But we're not just about negativity here at SMOSH. We're also about looking at the positive, seeing the glass as half-full (though, sometimes it's half-full of poison). So, in the spirit of looking at the bright side of life, here now are 7 People Who Are Worse Actors Than Kristen Stewart:

Quentin Tarentino

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This guy can't give a good performance even when he is only in a movie for five minutes. And he wrote the movie. And directed it. And surrounds himself with great actors.

Clothing Salespeople

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Oh, what a weird coincidence that I look better in the ninety-dollar shirt than the twenty-dollar shirt. And you work on commission you say? Hmmm...

Most Children

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Either gratingly precocious or dead-eyed and mush mouthed, there's a reason even a lot of kids movies only feature adult actors. Because kids are terrible at it.

Alberto Gonzales

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The former Attorney General was forced to testify before congress when he became embroiled in a controversy over politically motivated firings within the Justice Department. He proceeded to use the phrase "I don't recall" 72 TIMES! However, he managed to use that phrase convincingly a whopping 0 times.

Used Car Dealers

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I have owned a number of crappy cars in my life, and I have never once believed the words "you're really taking us a for a ride, here!" They are such bad actors that if they said the words "I'm going to try to rip you off" I wouldn't know whether to believe them or not.

Anyone Using The Phrase “It’s Going To Be Okay”

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If it were so clear that everything was going to be okay, I WOULD KNOW WITHOUT YOU HAVING TO SAY IT TO ME.

An Old Boot

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The entire series of films would be based on test audiences telling actors and directors what they want to see in a movie as it is happening on screen. So the movie series would follow the adventures of an attractive male who fights terrorists by making love with a beautiful woman after he marries her when he finds out that she is a CIA agent and not a pizza delivery girl after all. It will be 90 minutes long and exactly 64 of those minutes will be car chases where a topless woman drives a ferrari to get away from a ninja leading an army of non-descript middle eastern bad guys. Also, Kevin James will play a farting mailbox.

What else manages to emote less than K-Stew? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out The Top 10 Best Kristen Stewart Facial Expressions!

Were you ever in Boy Scouts? If so, you'll remember all the hikes, the roller-car derbies, the cake auctions for charity. I made a Batman cake that sold for fifteen dollars! To my dad! In any event, it was a great organization for young boys to be in. Unless they're gay. In that case, the Boy Scouts of America respectfully asks that you get right the f*ck out and go be weird somewhere else. Many are lobbying the Boy Scouts to change these practices, but the old guard sure as shootin' has a defender - Walker, Texas Ranger and internet star Chuck Norris.

I don't know... he does kick pretty high. Let's hear him out.
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Writing for AmmoLand.com, Chuck Norris has penned an article asking if it's a coincidence that a Boy Scouts board member named James Turley has said he's working from within to change the Boy Scouts right around the same time the Obama administration has come out in support of gay marriage. He argues that Boy Scouts are as American as Apple Pie™ and Baseball™, and Obama can't go changin' this decades old policy! So this James Turley must'a been coerced - because "if two people think so much alike, you can bet that one person isn’t thinking." I would argue, of course, that sometimes people think alike because they're both nice.

"Hey John? What do you say we try to be nice from now on?"
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Of course it's not a coincidence that James Turley and President Obama are getting on the same page about gay rights at the same time. That's like saying it's a coincidence everyone at a party started dancing at the same time. The music is on and they can read the temperature of a room. So what's the problem here? Is Chuck Norris against someone trying to convince someone else to believe in a cause?

If so, his persuasive essay isn't winning him any points.
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This article relies on such weird reasoning it reminds me of being on the high school debate team. It's what we called "playing chess with a bird". When you playing chess with a person, you can kind of observe their moves and piece together what their strategy's going to be. When you play chess with a bird, they're moving rooks all over the place, taking two turns at a time, pecking kings and swallowing pawns. You have to figure out first what they're doing wrong before you can even start playing against them.

It's especially embarrassing when they attempt the Blackburne Shilling Mate.
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So what is Chuck Norris actually getting at here? With the allusions to Apple Pie™ and Baseball™, Chuck Norris is invoking our deep-rooted sense of loyalty to country. The Boy Scouts are heavily tied to America, and we love America, so any change to the Boy Scouts is an affront to America. But the truth is, we often have to change the things we love - like racist grandparents and the first Spider-Man movie - because the times change. Now we realize it's not okay to scorn black women for marrying white men or to cut Gwen Stacy from Peter Parker's origin story.

We really are making progress as a society.
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Our world is always evolving. The brave go along with it. The fearful fight against it. Chuck Norris is either afraid of people who are different or he's afraid the world is going to leave him behind. On either front, he shows himself to be a coward. And that is the exact opposite of how the internet saw him. What other meme has been less like their meme personality in real life? At least Hello This Is Dog was actually a dog. Chuck Norris isn't a badass. He can't beat ninjas or make gods cry. He's the sad guy who hears music at a party and is afraid to dance. Who keeps inviting him to these things?

Is it Mark? I'll bet it's Mark.
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What do you think? Do the Boy Scouts need to evolve? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

During our formative years as social human beings, we learned how to carry on a conversation by mimicking our parents or cooler classmates. We had plenty of time to adjust our affect, cadence, and phrasing to reflect exactly how we wanted to be perceived. Texting, however, has presented a new challenge. We’re supposed to inherently know how to communicate with others without being able to see or feel their reactions. And since it’s by definition a private exchange, we don’t even have a solid idea of how others are doing it. There’s a lot of leeway and room for personal expression in texting style, but the biggest problem seems to lie in knowing when to end a text conversation. Here are a few pointers… for all you who wished you could figure out how Sarah P. was doing it. END A TEXT CONVO:

At The Word “Haha”

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If you’ve gotten the other person to say “haha,” congratulations, you got them to laugh. Or you got them to care just enough about you to make them want you to know that they think you’re marginally likeable. Quit while you’re ahead.

Once Emoticons Are In Play

Presence of emoticons or emoji indicates that your text partner is at a loss for words. His/her feelings are best expressed through a mass produced pictorial. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be; just go away.

After An Exclamation Point

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“Sounds good!” “No worries!” “You bet!” and “Yay!” should all be triggers for you to put the phone down. The mere shape of an exclamation point looks like a barrier to further conversation. Unless the mark is placed after the word “Help!” in which case, you should probably inquire further as to whether or not they’re on fire.

After A Time Lapse Of More Than An Hour

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If it’s been an hour since the person responded to your text, they are otherwise occupied. You sending a “?” follow-up only serves to remind him/her that you have nothing better to do than hang on his/her every word. If you need an answer, call him/her and make him/her feel like an a-hole for not responding.

Announcement Of Intended Sleep

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The person is telling you that they’re wanting to wrap it up. Finish whatever vital content you needed to put out there, and wish him/her sweet dreams. Do not ask to come over.

Upon Reception Of A Dick Pic

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Ummm, if you just got a dick pic, that’s a definite convo closer. No judgment here, I’m just saying you need to make a choice: run over there or delete him from your phone. Or throw it on the internet and ruin his political career.

Can you think of other times people should definitely end the text convo? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These Hilarious Wrong Number Texts!

Bowser, Ganon, The Reapers, Dr Robotnik. All iconic video game bad guys. Legends of the gaming industry! But not all villains reach such stature. In fact, the vast majority do not. Most of them have their brief moment of futility, never to reappear in any sort of cartoon, or comic book spin-off. So, in the interests in giving the little guys their moment in the sun, here now are 7 Lesser Known Video Game Villains:

The Yeti, SkiFree

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Games like Silent Hill and Resident Evil: Nemesis were best known for having villains who would suddenly appear and attempt to murder you, snapping you out of your comfort zone and survival-horror malaise. Well, the original "suddenly appear and murder you" villain was none other than the Yeti from SkiFree. You'd be on your way to a great run, when suddenly the flailing stick-limbs and round body of death would zoom across the screen, consuming you in one bite, mocking you for playing a game that came free with your computer.

Dark Link, Zelda II

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Sure Dark Link has made appearances in later games, but in Zelda II he's the end boss. Yeah, that's right. No Ganon. Or Ganondorf, or pig face Ganon, or whatever version of him you know. And since this is the lesser known of all the Zelda titles, that makes him a pretty unknown villain.

The Antarans, Master of Orion II

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I know turn-based sci-fi computer games aren't the most popular genre of game anymore, but when this game came out in the nineties, it was the best. And the games great x-factors were the Antarans, the ancient alien race who would occasionally pop into your dimension, bomb someone's planet into the stone age, and then disappear. The most satisfying way to end the game was to build the technology required to go to their home planet, and get a little revenge.

Mario, Donkey Kong Jr

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Thought we'd forget about your criminal past, eh Mario?!

Smithy, Super Mario RPG

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The game that launched a long line of spiritual successors, the original Mario RPG featured the largest cast of new characters. This included making the choice to have Bowser become a playable character, joining his mortal enemy to battle Smithy, the very difficult, but rarely remembered last boss.

Some Guy, Some Arcade Beat ‘Em Up

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Somebody gets kidnapped, only two hard-assed potentially-former criminals can rescue him/her. All these games had the same story, same nondescript bad guy who was way easier to beat with a second player.

Electronic Arts, Developer

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Just kidding, we all know they're villains

Who else doesn’t get the credit they deserve? Let us know in the comments!

Check Out These 8 Mind-Numbing Video Games!

Everyone’s a critic...especially on the internet. Sometimes it seems like the World Wide Web exists solely as a platform for stupid people to express their stupid opinions about stupid things. Case in point? The comment thread below this post. (Burn!) For my money, the worst (and therefore most entertaining) “critics” exist on YouTube. There’s just something about webcams that make people reveal their deepest thoughts about fast food, makeup and pregnancy tests...

McDonald’s Happy Meal Review

Straight up, this clip – which also functions as a shout out to the maker’s "homegirl Lily" – is 4:22 of madness. He doesn't actually eat anything until the 2:10 mark. At one point, he yells, "Oh, these fries got it goin' on!" in earnest. The scene at 2:45 will disturb you to the core of your being. Takeaway Quote: "I don't do fruit."

My New Dell Mini 9 Laptop

Has your mind been thoroughly numbed yet today? If not, watch this woman literally take a computer out of a box and turn it on. Watching a woman turn a computer on may not seem helpful – YouTube commenter su783, however, disagrees, saying, "i like how you turned it on. alot of videos just look at the outsid!!!" After turning it on, many tedious moments are then spent waiting for it to boot up. The confusion she expresses while looking at her Dell can only be described as infant-esque. Takeaway Quote: "It's great, 'cause I can carry it in my handbag, 'cause I have some large handbags."

Youth Diaper Review - Underjams (by Pampers)

Clocking in with 14 minutes and 53 seconds worth of craptastic commentary, this clip is fuller than a, uh, diaper. The phantom reviewer never shows his face – the video starts with him buying "Underjams" in what appears to be a foreign Wal-Mart and ends with him standing next to said Underjams in a dark room. At the end, he gives a shout out to "a girl who made videos for young ladies...about their period and stuff." This video has been viewed 103,291 times. And counting. Takeaway Quote: "They're not very bulky, unfortunately. I wish they were bulkier."

Drugstore Makeup Review - Maybelline Baby Lips

These extraordinarily vacant Stepford Wives in training are the most inane, idiotic coozes I've ever encountered – online or off. Almost every quote in this video is a gem (examples: "They have pretty good color payoff for a lil' bitty chapstick." "We were drawn to this color because the packaging was pink, duh."), but the piece de resistance is the scene in which they insert a picture-in-picture of them talking about makeup over scenes of them slowly, methodically, putting makeup on. Takeaway Quote: "I was like, omigosh, those frickin' Maybelline Babylips things are so cute, I've gotta have 'em all. So we got 'em."

Clearblue Pregancy Test Review

The first thing you’ll notice about this video is that the protagonist of it is completely blase about the whole affair – about 30 seconds in, she lets us know why. She’s testing to see if she’s pregnant with her fourth child, which explains why she sighs once every ten seconds. If you’ve never seen a woman put a stick into a cup of her own urine and stand around uncomfortably waiting for results, get to it! WARNING: This woman’s lack of excitement over the existence of her fourth bundle of joy may permanently destroy your perception of the “beauty” of motherhood. Takeaway Quote: "I have three kids. I've always used Clearblue Easy. They've been the best."

Wendy's: 1/4 Single Combo Review

A) This baby genius’ YouTube username is sackboy466. B) He’s shot wearing a Lego shirt, sitting in front of a Lego poster. C) He gives his meal a 3.75 out of 5, because the fries sucked. D) He spends an inordinate amount of time talking about his ridiculous hat ("Before we get into that, I did get a new hat. Now, I actually own this hat. The other one wasn't mine."). E) He asks viewers to comment on whether or not they like the aforementioned hat - no one (so far) has commented on the hat. A+B+C+D+E = LULZ. Takeaway Quote: "Their fries are pretty good. They're not as good as other places like, um, Burger King. The fries are really good there."

CGRHD reviews SEGA CD CASE and MEGA FOAM INSERT

99% of amateur reviews don’t need to exist. 100% of amateur reviews of extinct video game packages don’t need to exist. I'm sure the super dweeb who made this video is trying to be amusing, humorous, and entertaining – unfortunately, he is not. Oh, and the stock music playing in the background is suicide inducing. Takeaway Quote: "Sega CD played newfangled optical media in the form of...CDs."

My Justin Bieber - Boyfriend Review

There’s nothing more cringe-worthy than watching a teen boy try to look cool while talking about how "classic" the Bieb's latest video is. "Boyfriend" isn’t playing in the background of the clip, it’s playing in the foreground – the damn song’s so loud, it drowns out everything the kid has to say (and he has a lot to say). Mostly about his Beyonce posters. Takeaway Quote: "It was nice. It was really cute."

Do YOU have an inane review you’d like to share with the class? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!

Check Out 10 Hilarious Online Restaurant Reviews!

At the premiere of her new movie, Katy Perry went back to her party bus with famous friends Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. They swept past Perry's bodyguards and right onto the bus so they could, presumably, talk about today's Supreme Court ruling on the individual mandate in Affordable Care Act and other matters of great import. One person who did not get to engage in the conversation, at least for a minute, was Robert Pattinson.

Sure, he was only barred from the bus for a minute, but this incident does tell us some thing. First, the bus' security does not know who Robert Pattinson is. And since they're not twelve year old girls, why would they? Are you suggesting that Katy Perry should hire 12 year old girls to guard her party bus? They'd just want to party on the bus with her!

This idea you had is bad all around.
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But the other thing this video shows us is that now we know that Robert Pattinson wants to hang out with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez and Katy Perry. He tries to act like he's so cool, so above Twilight. But if that were true, then this is the point where he walks away. You don't get to have it both ways, Pattinson. You're either in this superficial teeny-bopper world or you're not. You're not Michael from NBC's Awake - you don't get to hop between two realities and have it all.

Any of you watch NBC's Awake? Of course not. Shame on you.
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But what this scene really, really shows us is that, at the end of the day, Robert Pattinson is just like us. Look at him when he's first told he cant get on the bus - he's dejected, embarrassed. I don't say this to make fun of him, I say this as a reminder that, even though Twilight is disgusting and we all hate it and even hate Robert Patinson with his stupid sullen eyes and four-not-quite-five o'clock shadow, he's still a person and can still have his feelings hurt. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm actually empathizing with Robert Pattinson. I don't want him to be sad. I don't want anyone to be sad.

What do you say we go get some ice cream, huh buddy?
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Do you have any sympathy for Robert Pattinson? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

You knew it! You KNEW it! All those late-night "explorations" to other galaxies to "study the indigenous life". He was studying it, all right! Girl, your momma warned you about gettin' in with an astronaut, and now he's hookin' up with a giant-ass alien queen and comin' home PREGNANT! Yeah, you try and deny it now. TRY AND DENY IT NOW. Girl, you can't be raisin' no alien baby! You gotta get OUTTA there. And here's how your gonna break up with him now that he got himself pregnant by some repulsive-ass alien queen—

Get your stuff out of there

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He don't get to keep your Blu-Ray player just cause HE cheated! Go over there and get yo sh*t back, girl! And make sure that new alien baby of his didn't shed any of his skin in there—what if you get yourself an infestation of alien creatures that reproduce through cellular mitosis and eat yo eyeballs? You wanna keep them eyeballs, girl!

Don't message her on Facebook

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You can't be starting nothing on the internet. She just gonna call up her girls and lead an invasion and then y'all gonna have to call up your Space Marines and it's just gonna cause D-R-A-M-A drama.

Get yourself checked OUT

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You don't want no space diseases girl!

Delete his number from your phone

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If you don't make it absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to get in touch with your man after you break up, you know you gonna get sad one night and give him a call, then before you know it, he puttin' his intergalactic genitals in you! You need to move on and get with a man who's DNA ain't never been mutated to allow pregnancy. Like my cousin Marcus. Girl, you met my cousin Marcus?

Throw away anything that reminds you of him

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That's right, get rid of it ALL. The framed photos, love notes, the hideous puss cocoon he excreted on your anniversary, EVERYTHING.

Go out which yo girls

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You know you come out with us, we gonna look out for you girl! We gonna find you a new man, one who stay true to you and NOT go around bangin' them alien hussies. How about that guy?

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Oh, you ain't in to him? Okay, who are you into?

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Damn girl, you got a type.

How you goin' go about findin' a new man? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

Check out 10 Fake Prometheus Spoilers!

YouTube - you are a gift and you are a curse. We've learned more about cats and Blink 182 videos from you than anyone else, but you are also fraught with peril. Here are some examples of YouTube seriously messing up some lives -

Healthy?

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

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No. NO.

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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Please explain

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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Hey, you're probably good at other things!

Today, I spent 3 hours looking at a youtube video for how to do rubik's cube. Even after being told how to do it, I couldn't finish it. I scroll down at the comments and read "Awesome! I'm 10 and can do it in 3 minutes now!". I'm 28 and still couldn't get it, even with a guide. FML

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Knock knock

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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Don't help or anything

Today, I slipped on a banana peel in a store parking lot as I was getting out of my car. I landed on my ass. The cops that were parking behind me later informed me that I would be able to see the video on youtube. FML

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Not problem areas, just a problem

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

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This does not advance the conversation

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

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I thought you were on my side

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

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For more, check out FMyLife.com!

Check out last week's Best Of FMyLife!

When I think of the funnest things a family can do together, one of the very first things that jumps to mind is a great family restaurant - somewhere you can all go together to sit down and share some mozzarella sticks, chat with the smiling wait staff, and maybe even get a free piece of cake on your birthday. Of course, the very last thing that jumps to my mind is sitting down to play Resident Evil together. First of all, it's a one player game. Second of all, it contains scenes of violence and gore. And third of all, Grandma f*ckin sucks at it.

That stupid b*tch forgot the lighter back in the box. Some speed run this is.
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And even though they have no business together, next month Capcom plans to infect fun family dinging with the T-Virus. Yes, the Biohazard Cafe and Grill S.T.A.R.S will open next month in Japan, and while it's an incredibly clumsy title, remember that this is Capcom we're talking about. It could have been a lot worse.

The name Resident Evil Cafe Gold Turbo Edition Operation: Collector's Edition Alpha 3 Nemesis HD Remix was definitely considered.
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One would imagine this is happening to tie in with the release of Resident Evil 6 in October. Hopefully there isn't a ton of cross-promotion between the restaurant and the game.

"WOULDN'T A BLOOMIN' ONION BE GREAT?"
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While no details or menu items were announced, I like to think I know Resident Evil well enough to guess what's going to happen. Before you even get inside you're going to have to run around the parking lot until you find four jewels that fit in the statue outside the restaurant to unlock the front door. Then when you get in, the host will call you "stranger" before leading you to your table. You'll have to pick up a crank to activate water at your table and, if you want soda, you'll have to find the hexagonal plug. The meal can start with a green herb salad and you'll order from a waitress is named Hunnigan. They're all named Hunnigan.

"Hey Hunnigan, my fries are burnt!"
"Looks like you'll need to find a circular crest to get new ones, Leon."
"My name isn't Leon."
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Are you going to book a flight to Japan to eat at Resident Evil Cafe? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

VIDCON IS HERE, GUYS! YAY!

I’m lucky enough to be down here in Anaheim covering the convention for Smosh, and although Vidcon 2011 was awesome, this year is WAY bigger and better, with more speakers, YouTubers, fans, and more SMOSH. Also, Ian and Anthony are supposed to be naked at some point? Not that I’m interested, but that seems like something ladies would be interested in. Right Ladies? Anyway, here’s the skinny on what SMOSH is doing at Vidcon 2012!

• Friday 11:30 am – Mari shoots Smosh Pit Weekly at Alloy Digital booth 409
•  Friday 12:15am – Ian & Anthony and special guest film Lunchtime With Smosh at Alloy Digital booth 409
• Friday 4:15pm – Smosh Main stage performance!
• Saturday at 11am – Smosh signing at the VidCon Signing Area
• Saturday at 11:30am – Shut Up! Cartoons Creators Signing at Alloy Digital booth 409
• Saturday at 1pm – Ask A Naked Guy (Mari’s new show!) with a NAKED Ian & Anthony at Alloy Digital booth 409
• Saturday at 2:30pm – Spirituality and Speed Drawing with SMOSH & Deepak Chopra at Alloy Digital booth 409

Come down to the Alloy Digital Booth 409, and if you're lucky, you just may catch SMOSH hanging out. If you are unlucky, you might catch me. Hope to see you there!

Check out MORE about Vidcon HERE!

In what has to be the most SHOCKING news story of the millennium, The Doggfather, Snoop Dogg, was detained by authorities in Norway for possession of...wait for it...MARIJUANA!!! I know break out the smelling salts and try to recover from your fainting spell.  

It's more shocking that someone so slender can pound down an 8 pound rib-eye. I wonder where his insatiable hunger comes from? Oh nevermind...

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The really sad part is that it was  a member of the dog pound who sniffed his crime out. Well, if you count a drug-sniffing dog as one of his posse.  Which I do cause I have it on good authority that dogs are total stoners. How else do you explain the fact that I once knew a dog who ate a whole honey-baked ham and a basket of crescent rolls one Christmas dinner? Trust me you do not know the meaning of 'toxic fart' until you live through that particular Christmas hell.

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The funny part is that the weed wasn't even what eventually got him in trouble! Once he was stopped for the weed, customs found that Snoop was within the legal limit (gotta love Europe!) but was over the legal limit as far as how much cash he was allowed to carry. He was fined nearly $9,000.00 dollars. I'm assuming he paid cash.  Snoop is a total HIGH roller!!

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Snoop, who was in Norway to headline the Hove Music Festival, ended up being 5 hours late to the event due to the customs kerfuffle. He was asked about why he was late in an interview with a local news outlet and was completely NOT chill about it. 

"Man, shut the f--k up," barked the Dogg, "I'm here…be happy I'm here and ask some real questions." 

Cause Snoop is for sure someone to be taken seriously...am I right?

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When the reporter pressed for more info, Snoop replied, "I was late 'cause I went to go get some chicken wings…'cause I wanted to see Norway up close and personal, and visit an old folks' home. I went to visit a convalescent home. That's why I was late."  Sounds legit.

Before storming out he stated, "I don't party…get this mothaf--ka outta here."  You heard it here first folks!  Snoop don't party! Mmmmhmmm.

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Are you SHOCKED? Let me know what you think @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out 20 Celebs Busted For Weed!

Election season is heating up. The primaries for the big two parties are over and they have their candidates. There is one smaller party that still hasn't decided on a candidate. That would be the Pokemon Party. Here are Pokemon That Should Run For President:

Machoke

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Machoke is one of the most human looking Pokemon. Of all of the Pokemon on this list, he would be the most likely to actually be able to run in the election. You'd just have to slap a suit and wig on him and print off a fake birth certificate.

Steelix

Steelix would make a good President because he would have a really strong foreign policy. By that I mean, Steelix would crush all of our opponents himself. Ruling one country wouldn't be enough for him. He'd go from country to country taking over as their supreme leader. One day he would become ruler of us all! ALL HAIL KING STEELIX!!!!!!!1

Celebi

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could just erase all of our mistakes and do them over? Celebi would be the first time traveling President. Hopefully he doesn't accidentally destroy the space-time continuum because its going to be going back in time very frequently.

Alakazam

It would be so nice to finally have someone intelligent in office. According to the Pokedex, Alakazam has an IQ of over 5,000. That's like having 30 Albert Einstein's running the country all inside one creature. Within one year, Alakazam would have every national crisis solved and have a base on a Mars.

Jigglypuff

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Jigglypuff would have the most adorable campaign ads in the history of politics. It would just be Jigglypuff riding a My Little Pony through the set of Teletubbies. How are you going to NOT vote for Jigglypuff?!? Look at those cheeks! I just want to squeeze those cheeks!

Sharpedo

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Sharpedo is basically a shark mixed with a torpedo. He can swim up to 75 mph and take down a battleship. He would be excellent to have on our side in negotiations with foreign leaders as long as we have all of our meetings in the pool.

Golurk

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Golurk is an automaton type of Pokemon. That pretty much just means that he is an ancient robot. Luckily for Golurk, ancient robots are the exact type of candidates that most of the political parties look for. He would do absolutely anything they told him to do. Also, he flies.

Blastoise

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It's been a long time since we had a Commander-In-Chief who could actually lead an army in to battle. Its basically a living tank. Blastoise's water cannons can go through steel and his shell can protect him from most attacks. Fear his greatness!

What other Pokemon should run for President? Let me know @zachlunch or tell us in the comments!

Check Out 20 Movies Made Better With Pokemon!!

Memes! We all love them...am I right? We feel like we know them. Of course all of our opinions about them are based-on one ill-timed photo and an attached prejudicial moniker...but still!! They are as much a part of our lives  as the 400+ Facebook friends we don't really know. But who are these people behind the memes? Are they more than just the snarky pigeon-holing the internet has bestowed upon them?  Let's take a look a 5 of our faves!

Scumbag Steve

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Oh Scumbag Steve! The epitome of douchbag living. One look at  this dude in his askew cap and fur-lined jacket pretty much says it all, right? He will puke in your car and not tell you. He will crash at your pad and eat all your Honey Nut Cheerios. And even though he's at the quarter-century mark, he'll still hit up high school parties trolling for girls. Yeah. Good Guy Greg does not approve. But who is the dude behind the douchebag?

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Why it's Blake Boston or Weezy B of the Beantown Mafia!! Turns out the Scumbag Steve image was taken for the Beantown Mafia's album cover Ma Gangsta. By his mom. How gangsta! But Blake is now trying to turn those scummy lemons in to Mike's Hard Lemonade! He regularly makes appearances as his alter ego and has even released the rap ditty 'Scumbag Steve Overture" which is all about you guessed it...being scummy.  He still maintains that it's all an act. 

Hello, This Is Dog

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Best. Dog. Meme. EVER!!  This is just so dumbly funny, it seriously sends me into fits of giggles. And it combines perfectly with nearly every meme or pop culture moment out there. Don't you just love meme mash-ups?  I'm thinking they bring me way too much joy. But who is this dog that loves chatting it up?

The Black lab taking a phone call that we all adore, is actually a screen cap from the 1984 Serbian Film, Pejzaži u Magli. A bleak look at teen drug use.  I'm sure the film is much less giggle-inducing.

Friendzone Johnny

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First there was the Facebook post. A guy surprises a girl on her birthday with candy and flowers. She's the only one who mistakes the romantic gesture for anything but a well...romantic gesture. A member of Reddit gets their hands on it and the rest as they say is history. Welcome to Friendzone Level 99, Johnny!

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Poor Johnny Solis!! Is there a more embarrassing thing to epitomize? But wait! For a brief moment the internet was shocked when Solis revealed to the world that he had gone from friendzone to wedded bliss, with crush Lizz. In your face, Friendzone!

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Too bad it was all a lie. I guess changing your Facebook relationship status is easier than getting a girl to let you touch her boobies. 

Overly Attached Girlfriend

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She entered a Bieber fan contest.  She wrote new hella stalker-y lyrics to Bieber's tune Boyfriend. Instant internet fame. Cause people like it when folks get craycray on the Youtube. I don't think she won the contest but she for sure won the internet, because the Overly Attached Girlfriend meme that sprouted from the video is one of the best memes of the past six months. But who is the real girl behind the psycho bulging bug-eyes?

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Why it's the perfectly lovely Laina Walker! And she is completely in on the joke. Not only is she not a stalker, she's cute, smart and friggin' funny. And she's proven herself to be more than a one-hit wonder too! Her 'Call Me Maybe' parody is even better than 'Girlfriend'. Now if only she can find a guy who is secure enough to share all of his passwords with her! She wants to share her milkshake with you fellas! She wants to share EVERYTHING.

Bad Luck Brian

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I mean you can't help puberty and braces, but there's really no excuse for the plaid sweater vest. This dorky school pic lended itself well to all things humiliating. Including lots of accidental sh*tting. This guy doesn't fart. He sharts. But what we all wanna know is...has Bad Luck Brian's luck turned around? Was it ever that bad to begin with?

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Well first of all his real name is Kyle and he claims his luck was never really bad, bragging that he once won an Xbox 360 and a PSP in the span of two weeks! WOW!  AND he has a girlfriend. Which is more than Friendzone Johnny can say. He recently did an AMA on Reddit, which was subsequently deleted.  So maybe he's a little Bad Luck Brian.

What meme star are you curious about? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!

Check Out The Top Ten Memes Of 2011!!

So the movie Ted is coming out this weekend and I have to say when I heard the premise I was like 'WTF? Uhhhh NO THANKS!" Then I heard that it was written and directed by Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane and I was a little less WTF about it all. So to honor MacFarlane's foray into the movie world, we offer you this poll. Who's your fave Family Guy character? Hmmm. Obviously Meg is NOT in the running.

Stewie

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He's a diabolical toddler, one of the only ways I find toddlers to be tolerable.  I also have complete sympathy with any child that has to grow up knowing that his intellect is superior to any of the adults who are supposed to be raising him. And you gotta love any kid who is planning his mother's murder one minute and completely entranced by the Teletubbies the next. Don't you? It's sort of...sweet. In a psychopathic kind of way.

Brian

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I guess I can't help but relate to an aspiring writer who enjoys martinis. I think this is one of the only dogs I would enjoy more than a cat. Just imagine how much fun it would be to get him a little drunk and then watch him stumble around while playing fetch. Although I don't know if I would enjoy dealing with the dumb hos he would bring home. That would be way worse than finding dead bird or a fossilized piece of dog doo.

So who's it gonna be?  Choose wisely and VOTE in the poll below!

Check Out Last Week's Showdown!