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Articles on this Page
- 06/30/12--13:29: _Caption The Photo, ...
- 07/24/12--17:11: _8 Current Celebs Wh...
- 07/25/12--11:09: _Christian Bale Visi...
- 07/25/12--14:12: _Cartoon Kids Who Gr...
- 07/25/12--17:17: _The Confusing, Pain...
- 07/26/12--11:08: _Carly Rae Jepsen Ha...
- 07/26/12--12:58: _The 6 Biggest Frien...
- 07/26/12--13:52: _Very Best Of FML - ...
- 07/26/12--16:23: _Unhappy Looking Cel...
- 07/26/12--16:59: _Japan Trying to Bui...
- 07/27/12--10:58: _YouTube To Start As...
- 07/27/12--13:48: _The 7 Worst Comment...
- 07/27/12--15:08: _What People Did Bef...
- 07/27/12--16:57: _If Disney Princesse...
- 07/28/12--11:01: _The Insane Steps I ...
- 07/28/12--13:36: _Caption The Bear, W...
- 07/30/12--11:17: _Olympic Athlete Too...
- 07/30/12--13:50: _10 Celebrities With...
- 07/30/12--14:44: _Actors Who Should B...
- 07/30/12--16:48: _10 Strangest Pieces...
- 06/30/12--13:29: Caption The Photo, WIN A SHIRT!
- 07/24/12--17:11: 8 Current Celebs Who Were Former Child Stars
- 07/25/12--11:09: Christian Bale Visits Aurora, Colorado Shooting Victims
- 07/25/12--14:12: Cartoon Kids Who Grow Up To Be Troubled Adults
- 07/26/12--11:08: Carly Rae Jepsen Has Nude Pictures Maybe?
- 07/26/12--12:58: The 6 Biggest Friendship Offenses
- 07/26/12--13:52: Very Best Of FML - Boyfriend Edition
- 07/26/12--16:23: Unhappy Looking Celebrity Couples
- 07/26/12--16:59: Japan Trying to Build Real-Life Gundam?!
- 07/27/12--10:58: YouTube To Start Asking Commenters To Use Their Real Names
- 07/27/12--13:48: The 7 Worst Comments People Always Post
- 07/27/12--15:08: What People Did Before They Had Cell Phones
- 07/27/12--16:57: If Disney Princesses Were On Popular Reality Shows
- 07/28/12--11:01: The Insane Steps I Took to Avoid Dark Knight Rises Spoilers
- 07/28/12--13:36: Caption The Bear, WIN A SHIRT!
- 07/30/12--11:17: Olympic Athlete Took Up Judo Because of Pokemon?
- 07/30/12--13:50: 10 Celebrities With Surprisingly Fake Names
- 07/30/12--14:44: Actors Who Should Be The Next Batman
- 07/30/12--16:48: 10 Strangest Pieces Of Spongebob Squarepants Merchandise
What in the derp is going on here? I mean I guess I would be excited to meet a dolphin too...but DAYUM! Give us the funny caption that this funny pic deserves and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 7/2/12 will not be considered. Good luck!
Post-adolescence, most child stars become more popular for their jail time and drug convictions than anything remotely related to the silver screen. Not all former child stars, however, burn out as soon as their balls drop. Some of them become so successful as adult actors that most people don't know they used to have to study their lines AND algebra on set.
Now, he’s the Sexiest Man Alive™. In the early 90’s, though, he was just another fresh-faced scamp on "The Mickey Mouse Club" (along with Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears). He was also the protagonist of "Young Hercules," a Fox Kids show in the vein of “Xena: Warrior Princess” that only lasted one season but nevertheless cost $20 million to make. It’s almost like they knew he was destined for success...or, more likely, had an incredibly warped perception of how successful a children’s show about Greek Gods would be...
Naya made a name for herself by playing Santana on the insufferably popular show "Glee." As a baby, however, she paid for her own Pampers by appearing in K-Mart commercials. Her biggest pre-Glee role was in a short-lived ABC sitcom called "The Royal Family" – the show’s only claim to fame being that it was the one on which Redd Foxx died on-set after shooting only seven episodes.
Before he was Spiderman, man, he got his start with an uncredited bit part in the late 80's Fred Savage vehicle "The Wizard." He also guest-starred in episodes of “Blossom,” “Roseanne,” “Wild n' Crazy Kids” and (I crap you not) “Walker: Texas Ranger.”
Everyone knows him as The Dude (or His Dudeness, or Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing). In 1949, though, he was just a little dude born into a successful family of actors. His first role was as an infant in a 1951 film noir that also starred his mom. After that, he co-starred with his dad Lloyd and brother Beau in the shows “Sea Hunt” and “The Lloyd Bridges Show.”
Previous to being the Sexiest Woman Alive™ to Ryan Gosling’s Sexiest Man Alive™, Megan was in “Bad Boys II,” a terrible Swedish soap opera called “Ocean Ave,” and the Olson Twins' direct-to-DVD vehicle "Holiday in the Sun" (where she played total bitch). She’s currently in the process of removing her Marilyn Monroe tattoo – she probably wishes she could also erase any associations with Michelle Tanner from her IMDB page.
Before being known as a plastic surgery disaster and Tom Cruise's Scientology unapproved ex-wife, she was a child star in her native Australia, acting in such gems as “Bush Christmas,” a long-running soap opera called “A Country Practice” and the delightfully absurd “BMX Bandits,” a movie about, cough, BMX Bandits.
Stacy Ferguson, a.k.a. Fergie
Annoying the hell out of the world by adding songs like "Let's Get Retarded" to the public vernacular is how she makes her dough in The Black Eyed Peas. But back in the day, she was far less culturally offensive. She voiced Sally (Charlie's sister) in a few 80's-era Charlie Brown movies, and sang her little heart out on the Mickey Mouse Club-esque “Kids Incorporated” for three years.
For the past ten years, Reese has basically held the title as America's Sweetheart, acting in a butt-ton of romantic comedies made for women who eat chocolate in order to suppress their feelings. As a teenager in the early 90’s, though, she also acted in forgettable films like “The Man in the Moon,” “A Far Off Place” and “Jack the Bear” (a film that unfortunately featured Danny DeVito, not a real bear, as its protagonist).
Can you think of any other honest-to-god celebrities that started their careers as wee ones? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
The truth of the Batman character is that there is an inherent tragedy to him. He is defined by the death of his parents. He fails Harvey Dent. He lets the Joker murder at least one of the Robins. But the point is, through all of this, that Batman somehow endures. He presses on, and shows Gotham that despite all the horror of the world, there is still good.
I mean, also Clayfaces. But still, good.
It's easy to call that fiction. Here in the real world, evil takes root and evil wins. And in the wake of the movie theater shootings in Aurora, Colorado, how can we argue with that?
Well, Corey Rottman wrote on his Facebook "Shot in the leg at Batman. Where is he when you need him." Yesterday, he was there. Christian Bale went to Aurora to meet the survivors of the shooting, unannounced, not on behalf of Warner Bros. and without alerting the media. If we are going to acknowledge that there is evil in the world, we have to look at something like this as proof that good exists too. That a man, any man, can provide hope in the face of tragedy.
Why not the Batman himself?
And I'll admit, it feels odd talking about the "good in the world" in an article that has to do with the Aurora shootings. And I can see how something as small as an unannounced visit from an actor doesn't seem all that comforting when something like this shooting takes place. But I want to point out something Doctor Who once told his companion, Amy Pond—
I know, I know. It's weird referencing Doctor Who in an article about Batman. But Batman never gave a speech that so perfectly summed up why it's important not to despair or lose sight of man's capacity for good.
Maybe he should spend more time on inspirational speeches and
less time messin' around with f*ckin' Clayfaces.
In any event, this is the exact function of the Batman—to show people that there is good in the world even when we seem to be confronted only by evil. Yesterday Christian Bale, who spent so many years acting as Batman, really acted like Batman.
What are your reactions to Bale's visit? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
We here at Smosh love cartoons. There are a lot of kid characters that are fun to watch as children, but show signs that they have a lot of darkness in their soul. We used a time machine to see how all of this kids turned out after they grew up. Things didn't turn out so well for them. Here are Cartoon Kids Who Grow Up To Be Troubled Adults.
Timmy Turner from Fairly Odd Parents
Once Timmy gets old enough, his Fairy Godparents have to leave him so they can go help another child. Because they coddled Timmy so much and gave him anything he wanted, Timmy has no life skills. He ends up working at McDonald's, but is so bad at his job that he is fired within a week. Timmy ends up living on the streets and is institutionalized after he poops in the lobby of a skyscraper and blames his "Fairy Godparents."
Riche Rich lived a life of extreme priviledge. After his father dies, he takes over his family's businesses. He doesn't have the same business sense as his father and spends his entire fortune trying to develop a car made entirely of ice cream. After the fails, he holds up in a room in his mansion. He only has enough money to pay one butler so the house falls in to complete ruin. The only contact he has with the outside world is milk jugs filled with urine that the throws out his window.
Dexter from Dexter's Lab
Dexter is a scientific genius. But after his college sweetheart breaks up with him, Dexter loses his mind and becomes bent on destroying the world. He is defeated by a team up of Monkey and The Powerpuff Women. Dexter is exiled to a lonely planet where he won't be able to hurt anyone ever again.
Chuckie Finster from Rugrats
Chuckie has three failed marriages that result in seven children. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't have custody of any of the kids because of multiple DUI convictions. He has to work four jobs to support his three families and never gets to see his kids because he works so much. He spenjds most of his days in a drunken haze while riding the public bus from job to job.
Skeeter Valentine from Doug
Skeeter tries acid when he is in college and it's all down hill from there. He becomes obsessed with the hippie band Phish and follows them around the country going from festival to festival. He eventually starts a one man a capella Phish cover band called Skish where he covers all of their songs by making honking noises.
Dora Marquez from Dora The Explorer
Dora ends up falling in with the wrong crowd. Because of her excellent exploring skills, a Mexican drug cartel uses her as a drug mule. She has to swallow plastic bags filled with drugs and sneak them across the border. She is eventually caught and rats out her former employers. This results in her name being changed to Dora the Informer. She has to spend the rest of her life in hiding, wondering if a hitman is around every corner.
Milhouse Van Houten from The Simpsons
Milhouse can be pretty creepy. That's why it isn't any surprise that as an adult, he's the creepy guy who hangs out in the park in a trenchcoat. One day, he flashes some high school kids and squeals with delight as he runs away. He enjoy it so much, he becomes a serial flasher known as the Springfield Squealer. A sting operation is set up by Police Chief Ralph Wiggum, and Millhouse is arrested. Now that he's been arrested, he at least feels like he has something to talk to people about since he has a court ordered ice breaker. Unfortunately, the only person that will talk to him is Bart Simpson.
Baby Smurf grows up to become the leader of the Smurfs after he smurfs Papa Smurf in his sleep. He rules the Smurfs with a smurfy fist! He leads them to smurf Gargamel, but that isn't smurfy enough for Baby Smurf's smurflust. He blames not only Gargamel, but all of the humans for keeping the Smurfs oppressed and in hiding. His Smurf army descends upon the human capitol, but is swiftly smurfed because Smurfs are like an inch tall. There are no smurfvivors.
What other cartoon kids do you think grow up to be troubled adults? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
It came out today that Kristen Stewart cheated on her long-time boyfriend and Twilight costar Robert Pattinson. And while this is obviously terrible for Pattinson, at least he knows how he should be feeling. Kristen Stewart is gonna go through an incredibly complex and frightening emotional purge. Let's take a look at some of the emotions she's gone through so far—
Kristin knows she made a mistake and no wants so desperately to go back in time and change it. Literally, she would do anything, absolutely ANYTHING, to change what she did. At this point the shame threatens to overwhelm her, and she has no idea how to come to terms with the powerful hurtful thing she's done to this man she cares so much about.
The anger Kristin Stewart feels towards herself, her co-cheater, and even Rob has been exploding out of her, infused with so much pain there was no way it could be contained.
What caused her to do this? Is she a bad person? Are human beings defined by their actions or what they feel underneath? These questions are all incredibly distressing and are clearly wearing her down.
This is absolutely the kind of mistake that can drown a person. Does Kristin Stewart even know who she is anymore? Her very identity is corrupted, and obviously that idea is horrifying to Kristin Stewart.
Kristin Stewart is very hungry.
And even despite all the pain this revelation has caused, at least now it's out there. Dear God you can see the relief Kristin Stewart feels to not have to hold this secret inside!
Which emotion, of all the different emotions swirling around inside Kristin Stewart right now, is the most powerful? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Kristen Stewart Calls Out Her Critics, Completely Misses Point!
There have been rumors recently that Carly Rae Jepsen, singer of this summer's best and somehow simultaneously worst song "Call Me Maybe", had nude pictures of herself stolen from her computer. And now it sounds like, where there's smoke there's fire, because TMZ is reporting that police are confirming the pictures do exist and that Jepsen is working frantically to get them back. It doesn't say specifically how she's working to get them back, but I like to think she's hitting the streets, old grizzled detective-style, talking to anyone and everyone, hoping to find a lead.
"Well, if you do hear anything, here's my number. Do the
thing you can guess I would want you to do in this situation."
According to TMZ, if the hacker who stole the photos is caught, they'll face some serious jail time. You know, I always feel weird using the word "hacker" when we talk about this stuff. What does "hacking" actually mean? It's like the catch-all term for "doing something mean on the internet". Like, did somebody just guess her password? Because honestly, I suspect anyone with a free afternoon could guess her password.
She just seems like someone whose password is "password".
Let's be honest. This is a terrible thing to happen to Carly Rae Jepsen. I feel like we should be thinking of her as a professional singer, someone whose job it is to sing fun songs about calling her maybe. Are we, as a society, saying that the cost of fulfilling that dream is the most public and extreme of embarrassments? What if every job worked like that?
"Well Bob, you're clearly the best architect, but I'm afraid if
we're going to bring you aboard you're going to need to literally
take a sh*t in front of everyone in the office."
But at the same time, when these pictures come out, what am I gonna do? Ignore them? Tweet about the harm they're doing to my fellow human being? Write an angry letter to the editors of popular internet blogs? No! I'm gonna look at them. Because I'm an animal with an animal brain and I want to see attractive women naked. That's how human beings are wired. This underlying primal thinking is the worst part of mankind—it leads us to kill, to covet, to dehumanize. And I think the only thing we can do is be aware of it and try to be better.
But no one is going to be able to say no to nude pictures of Carly Rae Jeppsen. It's too high a mountain to climb our first time out. We've got to ease into it. Maybe we could get used to saying no to this kind of exploitation if, say, nude photos came out of Seth Rogen.
Who am I kidding? I'd look anyway.
What do you think about what happened to Carly are Jepsen? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
You cut your friends a lot of slack because, let’s face it, they could ditch you at any moment. You know it, and Sarah F. knew it back in sixth grade. But maybe now that you’re about to be one school year older, it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate if your friendships are working for you. If your friends are committing one or more of the following Biggest Friend Offenses on a regular basis, you’re better off eating lunch alone.
Not Offering You Gum
You’ve caught your friend hands-under-the-table as he snuck a stick of gum out of the pack. This stealth move was an act of selfishness -- an unwillingness to share -- and (according to a recent tweet by @mindykaling) sharing is the basis of a true friendship. Your friend would rather you go clammy-mouth than allow himself to suffer the indignity of being out of gum for an afternoon. Keep track of these instances in your assignment notebook.
Not Saving You A Seat
Whether it’s on the bus, in the cafeteria, or at one of those anxiety-inducing “low-key” weddings where they don’t have place cards, if your friend doesn’t save you a seat, she’s sending you a message. First, she doesn’t want to sit by you. She has bigger fish to fry down at the veteran’s hall fish fry/Bingo night. Second, she doesn’t care if everyone knows that she didn’t need to sit by you. Because when you show up late, hover over her table, and ask if there’s room to squeeze in a chair (there clearly isn’t… “low-key” really just means “poorly planned”), everyone at that table will just stare at you like you should start your own table, friendless creature.
Leaving Your Birthday Party Early
What… did this friend have somewhere more important to be? Leaving your birthday is like ditching you at the side of the road. You’ll be vulnerable to predatory hitchhiker-picker-uppers (in this case, the fourth-tier obligatory guests and random creepos at the birthday bar). Let’s face it: your friend doesn’t care for your safety or happiness. And seriously, whose party did he just run off to? Is there an anti-you conspiracy amongst your friends?
Stealing Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend
This one might seem a bit obvious, but I thought it deserved a place in writing. Your friend of all people knows how hard it is for you to maintain an intimate romantic relationship. She knows this is your once a year, one-month stint. Couldn’t she have waited until the inevitable blow-up/fizzle-out in 4.5 weeks? That’s just poor planning. And as we know, “poor planning” really just means “low-key,” which really just means your friend doesn’t give a crap about you.
Bringing Diet Rite To The Party
Unless you and your friends are sewer-dwellers, you should not be living like one. The person who brings Diet Rite to the party went out of his way to go to the cheaper grocery store because he’d rather his friends deal with a chemical aftertaste than spend an extra dollar on two liters of brand-name Coke. There is a good chance the person who brought Diet Rite also brought the STD he obtained from the cheaper whorehouse on the cheaper Mexican spring break trip.
Being Happy When You’re Unhappy
Misery loves company. So, by the mathematical property of you being in a bad f’ing mood, when your company isn’t miserable, you hate your company. Nothing personal, just logic. Gotta look out for number one!
What are some other friend offenses? Let us know in the comments!
TAre we ready to admit yet that most men are basically children? That they try sometimes to do right, but most of the time, they just make your life all kinds of F'ed? Don't believe me? HERE ARE SOME CONCRETE EXAMPLES—
I like velociraptors the best!
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend, who is a fully-grown man, that making dinosaur noises in public is no longer acceptable. FML
I noticed something on your Facebook...
Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML
Like babies do
Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML
And initial here...
Today, I went on a fifth date with a guy, and he asked me if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. Just after I said yes, he pulled out a contract and asked me to sign on the dotted line. FML
They're so full of love!
Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML
I hope he winked, too
Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest "no." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML
Time to update that calendar
Today, my boyfriend treated me to a surprise romantic dinner, and got me a huge balloon bouquet, a dozen roses, a beautiful card for my birthday. Too bad it's his ex's birthday and not mine. FML
Never a bad idea
Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to spice up our sex life. He suggested incorporating bacon. He was serious. FML
YES! YES! YES! YES!
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He responded by fist pumping. FML
For more, check out FMyLife.com!
What, is it annoying to constantly have people trying to take your picture or something?p>
Why don’t you smile for us, pretty baby? You’ve got such a pretty, pretty smile. Let us know in the comments!
Guys, America is in an economic crisis. Job growth has been stagnant for years, no one can agree on a tax rate, and the debt ceiling is fast approaching. We have serious problems. But at least we're no worse off than the rest of the world, right? Every nation's hurting right along with America. Certainly no other nations are just straight-up dicking around with frivolous, pop-culture inspired projects, right?
Goddamn it Japan I should have know.
Yes, the Liberal Democratic Party, Japan's dominant political force, is seriously considering creating a fully-functional Gundam. This discussion of course comes after their plan to craft an actual Blastoise fell apart in committe.
No one would blame you if you just totally stopped paying taxes, Japan.
The Gundam would be man-sized and function as a mech to bolster Japan's peace-keeping force. The Japan Science and Technology Agency estimates it will cost around $725,000,000 US dollars, or roughly, um, infinity yen. The problem, of course, is that by not making it as big as a skyscraper, they're removing the best part about Gundam! It's like taking the "Kitty" out of Hello Kitty.
Then all you have is a polite wave.
So this doesn't make a lick of sense. Japan's economy is not in great shape. I don't want to be a sour sally (that's probably a thing people are called sometimes), but building awesome robots is not the way to get out of a fiscal crisis. The only thing I can think of is that the Liberal Democrats are hoping to capture the nerd vote. But that is not a hard group to win over—you talk to them about Neon Genesis Evangelion for twenty minutes and you have their vote.
And according to Amazon, it's 724,999,942.10 dollars cheaper.
What would you do with an actual Gundam? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out Japan's real life Pokecenters!
OH DAYUM! Looks like the halcyon days of anonymous hating on YouTube is coming to an end! Your YouTube handle is about to become your actual name. Scary, right? Will this lack of anonymity lead to the end of YouTube hate as we know it? The internet hasn't been in this much of a social networking tizzy since the forced implementation of Timeline on Facebook! Here's a preview of what you'll soon be seeing when you open your account (Although Bogdan Bele seems to have nothing to worry about):
It's a little unclear exactly how voluntary this change will be at this point. YouTube will start asking you if you want to use your real name when making a comment from now on. If you decline to use your real name you will be asked why. Options will include “my channel is for a product, business or organization” or “my channel name is well-known.” Pretty sure "Because I wanna say something incredibly nasty and hateful and not suffer the consequences IRL" will not be one of the options.
The really scary thing is that even if you choose to change your hater ways, all of your past hate will proudly bear your real name. YouTube will help guide you through all of your old comments and it seems you will be given the opportunity to amend your hating ways. Or other embarrassing things you've said under pre-pubescent hormonal stress. “Maybe you posted a few things way back (all those “I love you Biebs!!” comments?) that you’d rather not associate with publicly,” YouTube said. “By clicking ‘Review my content,’ you can see every video, comment or playlist you’ve ever posted, and decide whether you want it associated with your full name before making the change.” "I love you, Biebs!" haha. Good one YouTube!
I think the lack of anonymity will be a good thing. Not only will it stop most of the hating, but I feel some comments to be SO funny that the writer should get all the credit they deserve. Even if it is slightly hateresque. For instance...the comment below is one of THE BEST COMMENTS OF ALL TIME!! I do feel guilty laughing, cause it's kind of mean. But then it's a Twihard so that makes it slightly okay...right?
What do you think? Will this stop the trolls? Let me know your thoughts @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
Snowflakes are unique. They're often held up as an example of uniqueness, of a one of a kind quality that's almost impossible to describe. Our dumb opinions? They are not snow flakes. They are common, often repeated, and sometime stolen. And nowhere is that more evident than with comments on things like youtube videos and online news stories. And some of those comments are fucking stupid. So, here now are the 7 Worst Comments People Always Post:
Thumbs Up If You Were Brought Here By _______
Nobody cares who brought you here. We don't even care what your opinion on the subject is, so we certainly don't care what brought you here to express your worthless opinion.
Who Cares About This Anyway?
Oh yeah, you don't care about a news story? Well that's great, and I'm super impressed by how much time you spend complaining about things you don't care about. But how about this: Maybe you just stick to contributing to conversations you DO care about?
If You Like This, Click On My Profile To Hear ________
This is really irritating, because it shows that people have no perspective. If something is beloved by tons of people, and you don't like it, it doesn't suck. It's just NOT FOR YOU. Posting "This sucks" just displays your ridgedness in the face of evidence that flies contrary to your own beliefs and experiences.
Whoa. Sometimes porn spam is... upsetting. I mean, for God's sake, you're not even encouraging anyone to click the link to your site. You're just encouraging us to go buy a really good soap and scrub, and scrub, and scrub.
I Just Came Here To Watch The Video
Ah, the sad rebuke of the loser. Frustrated by people just talking about who brought them to a video's page, these people feel the need to say "Hey, I'm no conformist!" Of course, they do this in the most typical way possible, thus demonstrating their conformistness for all to see.
Help Me, I’ve Been Kidnapped
Who cares, you're jamming up the comment feed!
What unoriginal thought do you have to contribute? Let us know in the comments!
Ah, cell phones. They're our constant companions, lifelines and windows to the outside world. And they're everywhere. Hell, even poor people have them! (Gross, I know.) But that wasn't always the case. It may be hard to believe, but a time existed when people didn't stare at their iPhones every second of every day. Back then, folks couldn't just flip through Amy's vacation photos while they were visiting their grandfather at the hospital…they actually had to sit and visit with their bedridden grandfathers. I'm serious, dude. It was awful. Here's some other messed up things folks had to do pre-RAZR.
People used to talk to one another. Out loud. Uh, can you say "BOOOO-RIIIINNNGGG?" Actually, can you just text the word "BOOOO-RIIIINNNGGG" to me? Thanks.
Yell in Public
They'd stand on street corners and yell about the "bomb-a$$" food they ate earlier that afternoon, praying that people would listen and "like" their cries for attention.
Stare Into the Void
For hours on end, people would forlornly stare at walls and wait for the sweet release of death.
Sobbing in Shakes
In the rockin' 50's, guys and gals would hop on down to the malt shop...and just sob uncontrollably.
Literal Angry Birds
Before "Angry Birds," fun-loving gamers got their jollies by literally throwing irate birds at unstable structures (shacks, abandoned warehouses, etc.). PETA was the most vocal opponent of this form of entertainment.
Swipe On, Swipe Off
Young people would compulsively swipe their fingers over and over on glass tabletops, pretending that they could see their friends beneath the glass.
Everyone drank, smoked and ate copious amounts of spiced meats because it sped up the process of dying. Even movie stars felt as though cancer was the only way out of the hell that was a phone-less existence.
Before people had phones in their pockets, they had phones on corners. Which they used to make calls. Disgusting, right? God only knew where those phones had been...
What else did the poor souls who lacked text messaging capabilities do with their meaningless existences? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
I think we can all agree that the Disney Princesses, if they existed IRL, would be the equivalent to modern day reality stars. Famous for kind of being famous, only not as skanky as Kim Kardashian. Well, except for Jasmine...but I digress! The real question is...what reality show would make them even bigger stars? Here's a look at 5 Disney Princesses and the reality shows they most likely would be on.
I don't think there's any question of what reality show Ariel would be on! I can totally picture the crew descending upon Ariel's pack rat cave and the looks on their faces as they face that overwhelming junk collection under the sea. A TOTAL cesspool of useless crap! You just know there would be a bunch of fish skeletons, expired cans of tuna and shudder--all of King Triton's soiled adult diapers. WHAT ARE YOU SAVING THEM FOR ARIEL!?!
Cinderella/Dancing With The Stars
People seem to love it when some virtually 'unknown' celeb, with no dance experience at all, surprises everyone with a game-changing waltz to that Sarah MacLachlen song that she sings to the abused animals. Especially when it involves a wardrobe malfunction and Cinderella has to hold her dress up to keep her pumpkins from being exposed on National TV. Guess that's what happens when you let rodents sew your gowns!
Anyone who watches Top Chef knows that there's always a self-taught chef who SLAYS the fancy-pants Le Cordon Bleu trained food snobs. PLUS Tiana has a hell of a personal story...fulfilling her dead father's dream of owning his own restaurant. Awww! Total fan fave! I know I would be licking my chops over any of the Southern comfort food classics that Tiana would for sure be whipping up! The other chefs can shove their poached fish liver with goose fat foam! Eww...bad mental image happening right now.
Snow White--The Bachelorette
Hello? She's the fairest of them all! Just like every other Bachelorette who has tried to find love on national TV...am I right? Plus just like all other Bachelorettes before her, you know she'll have a ton of quirky, unconventional and minority Bachelors at the beginning, only to pick the hottest, richest and stereotypical Prince Charming candidate in the end. Disney Princesses be so predictable sometimes!
Of all the Disney Princesses, I think we can all agree that Princess Jasmine is the trashiest. JUST SAYING...there's a reason she rules the Disney Rule 34 competion! I would love to see the look on Sammi Sweatheart's face when Jasmine walked in as the new housemate. Just imagine all the rad 'Could Come at me, Ho!' internet memes we'd be enjoying!
What reality shows could you see the Disney Princesses on? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
For someone like me who forgot to get midnight tickets and isn't seeing The Dark Knight Rises until Tuesday, the world has become a harrowing place. Everyone has already seen it, and Twitter is a veritable minefield. Since Friday it's felt like I've been playing a big game of five finger filet - the danger is imminent and palpable. But because I'm determined to see the movie with completely fresh eyes, here are the insane steps I took to avoid Dark knight Rises spoilers.
Shut off the internet
Sure, I missed emails letting me know that my grandma was in the hospital, but I also misused emails from Fandango that might've contained spoilers. I can always visit Grandma next weekend when none of my favorite movie trilogies of all time are ending. I mean, if she hangs on that long. It is not looking good.
Bought and burned Barnes and Noble's entire collection of graphic novels
It's been said that Christopher Nolan won't be translating any particular comic for The Dark Knight Rises, but a number of them. It's not even certain that they're Batman comics he's pulling from. So they've all got to go.
Put on giant headphones and listen to Tool's 1996 album Ænima
I picked the album that would sound least like music to me so I would spend all my time focusing on the hatred of the music rather than accidentally overhearing anyone talking about Dark Knight Rises.
Stopping anyone from talking the moment they make a "B" sound
"Hey, I was going to make some smoothies, you want one?"
"Sure, what Kind?"
"I wasn't going to say 'Batman', I was going to say ba—"
Yelled at my cat
GODDAMN IT WAFFLES I KNOW YOU KNOW YOU WENT ON REDDIT TODAY.
Eat nothing but moruga scorpion peppers
The moruga scorpion, the world's hottest pepper clocking in at over 2 million scoville units, it was hard to focus on absolutely anything besides where to find more milk. And I know milk hasn't seen The Dark Knight Rises. Have you milk? Have you?
Stayed home and closed all my windows
I couldn't risk going out and overhearing anyone, even my excessively loud upstairs neighbors, talking about Dar Knight Rises, so I spent the week at home with windows sealed. I wish I had had the foresight to cancel the exterminators that were coming that week, but at least the flames of fans are increased to twenty decibels along the Gruntilda pass of nachos grease pit angle angle side free mason free bird turntable cul de sac.
Were you able to see The Dark Knight Rises un-spoiled? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
This bear definitely seems to have Olympic fever...but what exactly is going on in this pic? Give us the funny caption to this funny picture and if we unscientifically pick yours as the best, you could win a FREE Smosh t-shirt. They're comfy!
If two people come up with the same caption, the first one to comment will be the winner. We will announce the winner Monday and suggestions received after 12:01 AM PST on 7/30/12 will not be considered. Good luck!
There are a lot of awful things human beings do to each other—point out someone's fly is down in front of everyone, eat only a little of their roommates' salsa so they don't notice, and blackmail—but nothing is worse than taking someone else's Pokemon cards.
Stealing these is basically a Cobra Commander-level of evil.
But like Bruce Wayne, who witnessed his parents gunned down before him, sometimes our greatest tragedies go on to define us. Take Ashley McKenzie, who lost a Charizard card as a child only to find himself on a path to the Olympics, where yesterday he competed in Judo.
The only path Pokemon ever put me on was one to loneliness.
Young Ashley McKenzie lost his Charizard card to a bully when he was just 11 years old. When said bully stepped to him—that's what it's called when someone goes to assert themselves on you, right? You say he "Stepped" to you?— McKenzie tried to fight him off. But before he knew what was even happening, McKenize was thrown over the guy's shoulder and found himself on the ground, minus one super rare Charizard card.
And since Pokemon cards aren't sentient, there was no chance it could return to her by pulling a Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey!
Learning later that it was a judo throw that had caught him, McKenzie went and found the dojo this guy trained at and began training himself. This lead him to develop a passion for the sport, and he even made friends with the guy who took his Charizard in the first place. So not only did McKenzie end up getting the Charizard back, but he also gained a life-long appreciation for a sport that would come to define him. Ashley Williams is now one the most elite judo athletes in the world, so this is truly a story of triumph over adversity, of the human spirit's inherent resilience, and the power of refusing to admit defeat.
Total time in Olympics before being KO'ed: 4 minutes ten seconds.
Well, there's always next year's Pokemon World Championships there, Ash.
What horrific event in your past has lead you to be the person you are today? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out these celebrity Pokemon cards!
So I’ve been thinking about adopting a pen name, something other than @danborrelli. Mostly because of all the fan mail I get from these Smosh blogs but also something about a restraining order…and I can’t go within 10 feet of a middle school…it’s a boring story. Anyway, I got to googling and found that a surprising number of celebrities have fake names, who knew!? You did, you probably knew that already but it’s called an introduction guys. Sometimes you have to stretch the truth for entertainment value. Which is exactly why these people changed their names…
10.) JON STEWART IS REALLY JONATHAN STUART LEIBOWITZ
You know you’re incredibly Jewish when you have to make your name sound less Jewish in order to have a successful career as a stand up comedian. That’d be like if Hulk Hogan thought his name was just TOO wrestlery. Lucky for Stewart simply dropping his surname gave him a very catchy full name. It’s a good thing too; if he never changed it that Daily Show intro would take FOREVER!
9.) KATY PERRY IS REALLY KATY HUDSON
The reformed Christian pop singer was forced to change her name so as not to be confused with actress Kate Hudson. But the impact it had distancing herself from her Christian dance-pop days was large as well. Until the internet found out and ran away with it. The idea, that someone seen as such a sex symbol used to hawk the power of prayer, is entertaining to say the least. But it just goes to show that the one belief system that prevails over all is the aspiration for fame.
8.) DAVID BOWIE IS REALLY DAVIE JONES
Also to avoid confusion, the Goblin King had to change his name to not be mixed up with Monkees frontman Davy Jones. I like to think the two are the same person. I mean think about it, one is a weird, androgynous walking fashion statement. And the other is David Bowie. HEYOH!!!!
7.) ADAM WEST IS REALLY WILLIAM WEST ANDERSON
I can’t decide which is a better actor name! Will West Anderson sounds like a rookie cop who plays by his own rules. Adam West just sounds like Batman. So yeah, I guess that wins. He actually changed his name because he felt it helped fit his roles in Westerns. Speaking of serendipitous…
6.) ALBERT BROOKS IS REALLY ALBERT EINSTEIN
My first reaction to this was that his parents were the ultimate trolls. With a name like Albert Einstein how do you NOT find solace in comedy. You certainly can’t go into math. The whole thing is extra fitting since he really is the Einstein of modern comedy.
5.) MEG RYAN IS REALLY MARGARET MARY EMILY ANNE HYRA
I started googling “why did Meg Ryan change her name…” When I realized I’m an idiot. OBVIOUSLY it’s because it sounded to Jewish. But seriously, Margaret Mary Emily Anne Hyra? That sounds like a young adult novel about a sassy teenage girl who helps her doctor dad heal patients with a secret magic power. Welp…know what I’m writing after this article!
4.) FREDDIE MERCURY WAS REALLY FAROUK BULSARA
He’s Indian, who knew? I didn't Wikipedia did. But I didn’t. He’s also the greatest rock singer of all time – Science But there is something a little less rock star about an arena of people all chanting FAROUUUUUUK! It’s more of a star soccer player name in my opinion. Bulsara to Rooney…back to Bulsara…to Fletcher…back to Bulsara…if only there was a sports anthem to make this game more exciting…
3.) CARY GRANT WAS REALLY ARCHIBALD ALEXANDER LEACH
Can’t say I blame him for this one. His name is now synonymous with playing some of the greatest men the world has ever seen. If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that when choosing a fake name, keep it short. 1-2 syllables seems to be the move here.
2.) CIARA IS REALLY CIARA PRINCESS HARRIS
Well, I guess 3 syllables works if it’s one word (Madonna, Rihanna, Ma$e). But come on, she dropped PRINCESS from her name!? PRINCESS!!! Her name is actually princess and she doesn’t think that sounds famousy enough. No wonder her career is in the toilet. Now Princess Ciara…SHE goes triple platinum.
1.) ELTON JOHN IS REALLY REGINALD KENNETH DWIGHT
NOOO! WHY!? WHY did you change your name!? You could be SIR Reginald Kenneth Dwight and that’s the most British name of ALL TIME! I would totally rather have watched a Lion King composed by R.K. Dwight, it just sounds more distinguished. I hope he regrets the name change, the way a drunk 16-year-old would regret a yolo tattoo…
What’s your favorite celebrity alias? Let me know by screaming at me @DanBorrelli or in the comments below
Yes. It was amazing, but it's over. Christopher Nolan's Batman is done. So what should we do now? I guess we could make another Batman movie. It's never too early to get started. It's not like there will never be another Batman movie. Who cares if Warner Brothers owns the rights to Batman! We can start a Kickstarter and THE MAN WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO TELL US WHAT TO DO AGAIN!
I think Jon Hamm could slightly change his character in Madmen to make a really bad ass Bruce Wayne in the 60's. There are two problems with this though. The majority of the movie will just follow Bruce Wayne sexually harassing women. There will only be one scene with Batman. In it, he beats up a minority for looking "suspicious".
Bruce Willis would play a great Batman for a movie based on The Dark Knight Returns. Being a fat, depressed action hero is right in his wheelhouse. He also already has a relationship with author Frank Miller from when he acted in Sin City.
Recently, the Batman comics have had a huge surge because they took out one of the biggest problems with the series: Bruce Wayne. Dick Grayson, formerly Robin and Nightwing, takes over as Batman and Bruce Wayne's son becomes the Robin. Ryan Gosling has show in the past few years that he had both great acting chops and the ability to carry an action movie. My one request is that we don't ruin the movie by casting some famous actor's kid as Robin. I'm looking at you Jaden Smith.
Who says that the next movie has to be Batman? I think it's time that Batgirl got her own movie. There aren't enough big budget movies with a really great female action star. Chloe Moretz has already shown that she can really kick ass.
The script for this movie would include every villain in Batman's rogue's gallery. They would all fight in a giant wrestling ring just like a Royal Rumble. The Rock would come out on top, of course. He's The Rock.
There is a comic series called Batman, Inc. where Bruce Wayne recruits Batmen all over the world the fight crime in their own cities. Daniel Craig could play the Batman from London. Maybe there is some sort of global crisis where one super villain collects all of the Pokemon and unleashes their terror upon the world. We'd finally get to see the Batman versus Pokemon fight that we've all been waiting for.
Tim Burton has done so many remakes that he has started to remake his own movies. Of course, they all star Johnny Depp. They should base it on the old Adam West series. Burton and Depp are the only two people in Hollywood that could pull of the campiness of the old series while actually being able to make a decent movie.
John C. Reilly
John C. Reilly is kind of a big doofus so he isn't an obvious choice to play millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne or Batman. He could totally play a homeless version of Batman that dresses up in a costume made out of trash bags and an old milk jug. He win would all of his fights because he smelled so bad that the criminals give up just so he won't touch them and get his nasty juices all over them.
Who do you think should play Batman next? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
It should come as no surprise that Spongebob Squarepants, one of the most popular cartoon characters of all time, is also one of the most popular characters to ever be branded on cheap crap made in China. What is kind of surprising is some of the strange merchandise that dons his face. From the inappropriate to the downright bizarre, here's a look at ten of the strangest pieces of Spongebob merchandise I could find.
Is this really the best way to appeal to young girls just starting to menstruate? Hey you know what makes tampons fun? Thinking of how absorbent your favorite cartoon character is! Get it? SPONGEbob? Yeah. We get it. And it's friggin' nasty.
Toy Grooming Kit
Am I the only one super disturbed by the term 'play razor'? Or the fact that a kids razor grooming kit contains the words "bikini' and 'bottom' on the box? I know Bikini Bottom is where Spongebob lives, but maybe, just maybe there are too many damn hormones in dairy products after all. Just sayin'!
Were Spongebob socks not enough? Can we please move past the individual toe mandate infecting the footwear market right now? Plus these socks just makes Spongebob look all mutant-y and that ain't right!
Inappropriate Blow-Up Toy
Yeah, I know there's nothing inherently strange about a Spongebob blow-up toy...but dafuq is going on with the place you blow? For the love of all that is holy, I do not need to see Spongebob sporting anything wang-y!
Spongebob iPod dock sounds cool. Removable Spongebob eyeball speakers sounds creepy. Although I guess eyeballs weren't the worst Spongebob balls they could've used. Ugh. Why did I go there? Oh yeah, because I have problems.
Speaking of inappropriate Spongebob balls...yeah. No one wants this on their face trust me. It's ball-y, it's wangy and it springs? That's what I call a serious merchandise boner! Thank you. You've been great. I'll be here all week.
Exactly what market are we going for here? Chicks who grew up on Bratz dolls and Nick cartoons? They probably look great with those micro mini skirts that show off your bikini bottom!
Again, nothing wrong with Spongebob Pez dispensers...but NO ONE noticed the slight design flaw here? My OCD side is itching over the fact that Patrick and Spongebob's penis colors need to be reversed.
These would go perfect with the Spongebob high-heeled Nikes! Why do I get the feeling that Pedobear has bought his fair share of these panties?
I know Spongebob lives in Bikini Bottom, but does it have to be yours? Okay I've officially exhausted my Bikini Bottom joke reservoir. List over.
Which is your fave? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!