We here at SMOSH like to think of ourselves as taste makers. And part of the reason we have this inflated, overblown perception of what we do is because sometimes we receive e-mails asking for our help in promoting various artists, be they musicians, actors, or sidewalk chalk painters. Recently, I received just such an e-mail (okay, it was more like a letter scrawled on a truck stop napkin) from an agent claiming to represent lots of unknown Canadian singers, as well as a CD containing their debut singles. Because we almost never help these people out, I thought it might be nice (also, he promised me a huge chunk of the residuals) to give a review of 7 Undiscovered Canadian Singer/Songwriters:
John Doe Smith
"Hello" really lacks a point of view. Dealing is mostly vagueries, this song in which a young man greets a young (?) woman, then spends three minutes asking polite questions about things like the weather and traffic, never really finds a hook. Two stars.
"The Eagle Has Landed" is an odd song, hard to figure out as it sounds like the whole thing is written in some kind of code? I'm not sure, because after I listened to it once, the FBI broke down my door, grabbed the CD, and then got into a generic flowery delivery truck and drove off. Three stars.
Amelia B’Delia Hart
"If you've got a phone, use it, and specifically use it to call my number, which I'd like to give you, probably right at this moment, OH MAN I'M AWKWARD" is a song that, coming in at seventy-two minutes and fifty-nine seconds, maybe could have used some editing. In particular, the long stretches of crying followed by Amelia desperately wiling "Help me, Mother!" maybe could have been cut. Three stars.
The Tragically Hip
"New Orleans Is Sinking" These guys have a catchy style, and a bald frontman ala REM, so I hope they can pull it together and at least develop a cult following. Four stars.
"Just B'Cuz I'm 12 (Doesn't mean My Graphic Sexual Language Should Make You Uncum4table)" is an incredibly graphic tale of sexual misadventures. The demo labeled it 18+, but I wouldn't recommend it for anyone under twenty-seven. Five stars.
"Remember Me?!" is a song about someone I don't remember. He was in a movie called the Love something or other? Must have been and indie film. One star.
"Let's meet up, I'm the guy with a van" is a bit of an odd number. It features no background music, and is just a grave voice, desperately rattling off various items located in his white panel van while trying to seemingly cox the listener inside, metaphorically. In an ode to early-nineties gangster rap, it ends with police sirens. Three stars.
What undiscovered talent are you getting paid to plug? Let us know in the comments!