Didya hear? Loveable pothead Snoop Dogg ain’t Snoop Dogg no more. All y’all should now address His Snoopness as "Snoop Lion." Why, you ask? According to Mr. Lion, "I have always said I was Bob Marley reincarnated. I feel I have always been a Rastafari. I just didn't have my third eye open, but it's wide open right now." Snoop isn’t the only public figure that could benefit from putting some Visine in his third eye. The sooner the celebs on this list embrace their true selves, the sooner they’ll be, like, liberated from the madness that is society. Or whatever.
Lady Gaga, a.k.a. Madonna Two
Remember Gallagher, the watermelon smashing comedian from the 80’s? In the early 90’s, his brother started smashing watermelons for the sake of “entertainment” as well. The name he went by? Gallagher Two. It’s common knowledge that Lady Gaga is to Madonna as Gallagher Two is to Gallagher. She should just embrace it, maaaan.
Carly Rae Jepsen, a.k.a. Carly Rae Jetson
The beauty of “Call Me Maybe” lies in its absurdly, disgustingly catchy chorus. Carly Rae should continue the line of absurdity by re-branding herself Carly Rae Jetson, a human relative of the 60’s cartoon clan. ‘Cause screw it – nothing makes sense in pop culture anymore.
Lindsay Lohan, a.k.a. LiLonely
Miss Lohan desperately needs to embrace the fact that she will never be liked or relevant again and emerge, self-aware, as LiLonely. Afterwards, she can follow her true calling – wandering the halls of the Chateu Marmont alone, asking international businessmen if they'd like to buy her a drink.
Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Bonus Brit Brit
For the past few years, Miley’s desperately been trying to shed her good girl image and appear sexy by smoking pot, getting tattoos and generally just acting wild. Basically, she’s doing the same thing Britney Spears did when she was “not a girl, not yet a woman.” If Miley realized the coincidences that exist between her and Brit Brit – their comparable mediocrity at singing, acting and being southern – she could label herself Bonus Brit Brit, have some kids and an emotional breakdown, and start judging reality shows.
Kanye West, a.k.a. House Hubby
Remember when Kanye West used to rap? And was, like, really good at it? All he does now is post pictures of his girlfriend's ass on Twitter. Admit it, dude – you’re ready to settle down and raise a whole mess of large assed babies with your large assed girlfriend. There’s no shame in that. (Other than the obvious shame that’s in that.)
Kristen Stewart, a.k.a. Sad Girl
Ever since she got caught steppin’ out on Robert Pattinson, Kristen’s been really good at publicly acting sullen, remorseful, and plagued by demons. She should do that in movies...oh, wait. She already does. But if she changed her name to Sad Girl, everyone would know what they were in for when they saw her name on a marquee.
Nicki Minaj, a.k.a. Nicki Minaj
Just kidding; Miss Minaj doesn’t have to undergo a spiritual awakening. She's already the most self-aware person in pop music, in spite of being totally bat$#^t.
What other celebrities need to throw a monocle on top of their third eyes? Let me know in the comments!
