You're on Facebook. I'm on Facebook. We're all on Facebook. Some of us are better at being on it than others, though. Wanna know why? 'Cause we're modest. We have class. We keep our love lives private. We don't post about it on Facebook like hussies and tramps. Be like us. Don't talk about the crap these dummies are talking about. HAVE SOME DIGNITY, YOU ANIMAL.
Jumping the Gun
I know you just met Trent, and he's SOOOO dreamy, but maybe you shouldn't be making a Facebook event for your wedding date just yet. Talking about how OMG YOU'RE SOOOO IN LOVE with some dude or chick you've only known for two months makes you look crazier than that Kony guy. And besides, don't you know that 50% of marriages end in divorce? And 100% of life ends in death? So just calm down a little bit there, pardner.
Wanting a Way Out
There are literally millions of people on this planet who desire nothing more than the tender embrace of a life partner – hell, some people are so desperate for a companion, they purchase one. If you're one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to buy a Russian broad online, maybe you should drink a tall glass of Hold on a Second Juice (NOTE: Not a real product…yet) before you complain to all your friends about how much you don't want to be with your significant other. I mean, no one's putting a damn gun to your head and making you kiss Denise every day, y'know what I mean?
Don't Go (Down) There, Girlfriend
Posting about what's going on downstairs, good OR bad, is just poor form. No one wants to hear about your period, your STDs, or how you are or aren't "gettin' some." Do I look like your gynecologist? (Hopefully not, unless she's a super-hot babe.) This goes double for any posts about your partner's junk. Do you really think Denise is gonna wanna slob on your knob after you let the whole world know her Aunt Flo's in town?
Breaking Up Isn't Hard to Do
Jerkoffs break up with people via email, but the truly heartless break up with people in a public forum. At least in a crowded restaurant, the dumped crying girl still gets to eat desert. Online, she's met with nothing but scorn, mockery and sympathy from her aunt Lisa. Kids, don't be a coward and dump someone via Facebook…nut up, be a kind-hearted hero, and do it via text message.
Cheaters Never Prosper
The only thing stupider than cheating on your partner is bragging about it on the internet. What are you, autistic? Did you really think Denise wouldn't find out you felt up her friend Tina? They're both on your damn friend list, Jeremy!
Have you ever gone from “single” to “in a relationship”? Let me know in the comments!