If you're anything like me, you spend 80-90% of your waking hours rotating in front of a mirror. Many of you dream of one day turning this unique skill into a career in modeling. I am here to crush your stupid dream because it is a hopeless fantasy and modeling is the worst thing you can do with your life. Trust me: you don't want to be a model. Here's why:
Models Are Objects
As a model, your body is a prop that shallow people use to make other people feel bad and then spend too much money on things. The fact that you happen to be a human rather than a posable meat statue is an annoyance. Do you have thoughts and/or opinions? Would you like anything other than your appearance to determine your worth as a person? Then don't be a meat statue.
Models Are Associated With Horrible Stereotypes
There are plenty of strong, thoughtful, independent people who have worked as models at one time or another. But guess what? The second you say, "I'm a model," people will assume that you're a diva with a 3rd grade education who eats nothing but leaves and kills for fun. I'm sorry if this sounds unfair, but that's what happens you wear clothes for a living.
Models Brainwash People
Advertisements with models all show a pretty person being made impossibly happy by a thing. This is ad-speak for, "All the cool & pretty people love the thing we are selling. If you buy our thing you will be like the cool & pretty people." BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! To be totally sure that people buy their thing, they need to say, "If you don't buy our thing, you are not cool or pretty," because an ad is only REALLY effective if everyone who sees it feels like they need to buy the thing or die of shame. In other words: Models are part of a business whose sole purpose is to make people feel inadequate so they'll spend too much on shoes.
OMG, Modeling Is HAAAAARD!
Haha but really, it's incredibly difficult. There are a lot of attractive people out there and ALMOST all of them know how to meat statue. What can you possibly do to stand out? (WARNING: Murdering everyone prettier than you is illegal.)
Being A Model Means You Belong To A System That Kills Young Women, And Later In Life You Might Look Back On Your Part In It With Horror
I know, I know; having a conscience is for suckers. But maybe someday the fact that you made a career out of something that is directly responsible for the astronomical rise in eating disorders will make it hard to sleep. FYI: Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental health disease in America. Stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it stop it.
You Probably Won't Be A Model
Don't worry too much about the last thing. So many people want to get paid to get their picture taken that, no matter how hard you try, your odds of ever modeling are pretty low. Hey, don't be sad. Look on the bright side: at least now you won't poison the world!
Are you shallow? Let us know in the comments!