If you think the days of worshipping gods and carrying sacred talismans is over you need only look to eBay to see it is alive and well. Except our gods are a little more earthbound, and probably twice as stinky. Celebrity auctions are for those who want to be near something famous so badly they will literally give all they have for the privilege. Here are some of the more bizarre lots in recent memory.
Jennifer Lawrence’s Sports Bra, $3,175
Several items from the film Silver Linings Playbook were put up for auction recently, including the sweaty sport’s bra Jennifer Lawrence wore in the film. No word yet on how much the Raisin Bran she ate in the film went for but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
Britney Spears’ Chewed Bubblegum, $14,000
Back in the bubblegum pop star’s heyday, Britney Spear’s actual discarded bubblegum won big in several different auctions. Today her gum is only used to make sure she has something to concentrate on so she doesn’t try to escape her custodians.
Justin Bieber’s Hair, $40,668
Bieber and Ellen DeGeneres gave his famous hair purpose when his locks brought animal rights organization Gentle Barn Foundation 40k. Word is the winner of his hair used it to complete their polyjuice potion and are now raking in millions in profit from appearances.
Scarlett Johansson’s Snotty Tissue, $5,300
Another bizarre auction created for good. On the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, a sick and snotty Scarlett blew her nose and announced its sale on eBay to fundraise for the hunger relief charity, USA Harvest. I’m surprised this sort of thing doesn’t happen more often. If gossip columns are to be believed, there are a lot of fluids being expelled in Hollywood (wakka wakka).
Niall Horan’s Half Eaten Vegemite Toast, (Almost Sold) $100,000
One of the One Direction kids that aren’t Harry Styles apparently tossed up some vegemite laden toast on an Australian talk show. An enterprising individual took said toast and put it up for sale. Like you do. The bids hit $100,000 before being taken down. I’m going to guess it tested positive for cooties. Type 1.
Michael Jackson’s Dirty Underwear, $1M
If it’s already gross to think about Michael Jackson’s soiled underwear taking in a whopping one million dollars. It’s doubly, infinitely, more gross to know that these drawers were acquired during one of his molestation investigations AS EVIDENCE. Damn it rich people, stop being gross and use that money on African wells or something. Yeeeesh.
John Lennon’s Tooth, $31,200
If a legend can’t trust the help, who can he trust? Before his death, John Lennon gave his housekeeper his extracted tooth after a dentist visit. Weirdest severance pay ever.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s Breath, $523
How do you even verify this sort of item? Somebody feed beans to Taylor Swift, I’m going to get a mason jar. Somebody in Japan is already on the line for a million dollar opening bid.
Justin Timberlake’s Half-Eaten French Toast, $3,154
What’s with the partially eaten toasts? Kanye isn’t leaving behind any paninis? Anyways, Timberlake’s breakfast went up for bid and someone bought it, probably for cloning hit makers. It’s a good investment. As is hair relaxer.
James Blunt’s Sister, Marriage
I’m unclear if James Blunt is still relevant, but there was this one time he auctioned his sister as an unintended throwback to dowries of old. Apparently Blunt’s sister couldn’t find a ride to a wedding. Blunt, being a self-professed eBay addict, put her dilemma out there for bid and a rich person with a helicopter and too much time on his hands won. A couple months later, they were married. Seems like a lucrative side business if this music thing doesn’t pan out.
Anything on this list you would buy? If so, please deposit money in my PayPal because you clearly have too much of it. In the meantime, let me know what you think about this craziness in the comments!
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