The 90’s...rocked! (Cue butt rock-esque shredding guitar solo.) Seriously, though, they did. Way harder than this decade rocks, at least. And do you wanna know why they rocked? ‘Cause they weren’t so damn “extreme”. Everything nowadays, from feminine protection products to basic cable TV shows, has to be fast and dirty in order to keep up with people’s dwindling attention spans. Things in the 90’s, however, didn’t have to debase themselves in this fashion. Indeed, the 90’s were a simpler time. A better time. For the following reasons.
I’m (No Longer) Lovin’ It
The stars of fast food ads were still dudes in creepy foam rubber costumes instead of racially ambiguous twenty-somethings that, when they aren’t dancing on rooftops, are giggling amongst themselves whilst dipping things into buffalo sauce. I hate enthusiastic young adults, but I will buy literally anything an anthropomorphic hamburger sells to me.
Denim Dames
It was fashionable for chicks to wear overalls, dude. Overalls! Fashion was hella unisex. Today, Juicy Couture tracksuits are considered a modest alternative to booty shorts.
Crystal Clear
Crystal Pepsi was the choice of a new generation...and it was CLEAR, to boot. I mean, is there anything purer than CLEAR? No way, Jose. And it tasted great! Crisp. Clear. Refreshing. Crystal Pepsi: You’ve Never Seen a Taste Like This.
T.G.I.S. (Thank God It’s Scripted)
Reality TV didn't exist, which meant legitimately awesome crap like ABC’s Friday night T.G.I.F lineup was on instead of The Real Housewives of Duluth. It also meant that the only Kardashian people knew about was Robert, Kim’s lawyer dad who helped OJ Simpson get away with murder. God, I resent the fact that I can spell “Kardashian” without having to look it up.
Hang Up and Live
People read things like books and looked into each others’ eyes when they were talking, instead of giving themselves carpal tunnel syndrome by playing Angry Birds on their damn phone every waking hour of every day. Ah, books...remember those? Whatever happened to those?
The Dude Could Blow
We were all SUPER tickled by the fact that our president played the saxophone. I mean, how adorable was that?
Work Sucks
I didn't have to work for a living on account of being a child, and I didn't have to look cute 'cause I wasn't a "woman" yet. Which means I could just sit around, watch TV, eat Pringles and not get my period. Ah, glory days...
How do you romanticize the past? Let me know in the comments!
