You never know when a megalomaniac billionaire or alien race is going to attack a major American city. And since our world is not the world of DC Comics and we don't have superheroes, I'm ready to assemble a team comprised of our second most powerful beings. These are the animals I would recruit if I was making an all-animal Justice League.
You put a bear on your Justice League so he can f*ckin eat Lex Luthor. I'm surprised Superman never thought to eat Lex Luthor. That's the first thing a bear would think of.
Like Martian Manhunter before him, the giraffe would be the brains of the all-animal Justice League. Wait, are giraffes smart? Giraffes eat a lot of leaves, and their necks are tall. That is literally all I know about giraffes. What about that makes me think they're smart?
UM. YOU PUT A RHINOCEROS ON YOUR TEAM TO GORE BAD GUYS. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU.
Yellow lab puppy
Since yellow lab puppies are the cutest animals in the world, the yellow lab would be perfect against any all-powerful Solomon Grundy-types who need to be distracted while the rhinoceros prepares to gore. Of course, the puppy would be instantly torn apart when the villain gets their hands on him, but hey, there are plenty of yellow labs to be adopted and used to distract all-powerful Solomon Grundy-types at your local humane society.
You'll want to get a bald eagle on any team you put together to fight injustice to prove how much you love America, or else you could end up a target of the government. It's not that the animal Justice League couldn't handle some predator drones, but who needs the distraction, you know?
The cheetah would handle the SPEED for the animal Justice League. Although, I'm not sure what specifically the cheetah would be running from. Or to. What did the Flash do for the Justice League? Which villains were able to be defeated by running fast? Is it easier to defeat Black Adam if he's sad from being reminded that he's slipped on his New Year's Resolution to go jogging every day?
This stupid big-mouth bird
This bird is a living utility belt. Not even Batman's utility belt was alive. So take THAT, real Justice League! Looks like the score is Animal Justice League: 1, Real Justice League: significantly more than 1.
What animals would you recruit for your animal Justice League? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!