Who hasn’t wanted to hunt for ghosts, whether in a house, an old castle, or an abandoned amusement park during an episode of “Scooby Doo”? But before you start your search you’re going to have to start by loading up on these actual ghost hunting supplies, available online and in your local stores…
Electromagnetic Field Meter
Looking like a handheld game from the late 1970’s (“Which Is the Yellow Light?” by Mattel), the EMF Reader will make you look most like an actual Ghostbuster and least like a candidate for dating. It measures AC magnetic fields from appliances and then compares them against magnetic spikes that could come from ghosts. Or from all of your appliances plugged into a single outlet. Of course, first you have to measure each and every one of your electronic products, record the results in a diary, re-measure them every day to see if there have been any changes, record those results in a diary, and then gently sob when you realize that yes, this is what happens when you’ve been unemployed for far too long.
Infrared Motion Sensor
Leading paranormal researchers have long said that objects can be moved by mysterious spirits. Or cats. Or you. That’s why they created this motion sensor that detects whenever there’s even the slightest shift in your personal belongings, creating the sense of peace that an only come from a piercing alarm at three in the morning. For added protection, place several sensors around your house, making sure at no point a ghost could say, “You know what? Their couch would look so much better on the opposite side of the room or on fire because this family has the worst taste imaginable.”
Digital Local Remote Thermometer
Ghosthunters claim this digital thermometer is the perfect tool for checking air temperatures (as opposed to all the other thermometers in the world that are apparently just random number generators). Using the phaser-like device, determine the current temperature of a room. Then return a little later and point it at various wall seams and flooring to see if the temperature has changed, indicating both a ghostly presence and the fact your free time is clearly limitless. Of course, if you forget that you turned the heat up, the thermometer could also cause you to believe that your entire house has turned into a Hellmouth for demonic spirits and your real estate value has dropped accordingly.
Electronic Voice Phenomena Listener
When shopping for an Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP) Listener, the first thing you want to do is make sure that the device knows its own name, as indicated by the above handy white label that the manufacturer probably had his grandson affix like a pro. The second thing is to buy it at Sears, because you actually can and they probably could use your business right about now. The third thing is to use it to pick up magnetic phenomena that can’t be heard by human ears, like poltergeists…or the humming of a dimmer switch. In fact, after a few sweeps you’ll realize that every single electronic device in your house makes a sound that was once inaudible to you but that now you can’t stop hearing, making sleep impossible until you run screaming into the woods never to live inside a home again.
Ghost Hunting Manual
Having the best tools in the ghosthunting business won’t mean a thing if you don’t know how to use them. (Or because you’ve stopped using them since every time you do your roommates laugh for six hours straight.) But a good manual can help you not only realize you overpaid for what are essentially battery testers but also show you how to determine if you’re a psychic (you’re not), where to go for special classes (storage room of that shop that sells dreamcatchers and erotically shaped candles) and when to contact a local shaman (should you be conducting most of your paranormal investigations during the Neolithic age).
After you’ve caught your ghost—perhaps by wandering around your home randomly throwing a garbage bag over thin air while yelling “Gotcha!”—you’ll need a place to store your imprisoned phantom. Naturally, you can’t use the nuclear storage containment unit from the movie “Ghostbusters,” because as we all learned not only would that be a severe environmental hazard, but it’s also not real. Instead, save a little money and exposure to radiation burns by purchasing a bunch of mason jars from your local apparition hunting store/fruit stand. Carefully place each ghost inside the jar, making sure not to get any possible slime on your clothes. Label each jar with the name of the ghost and where you caught it. (“Lou: In my parents’ basement that has doubled as my apartment for the last 30 years.”) Then prominently place all your ghost mason jars on a shelf in your living room to serve as both a warning to other specters that you’re on to them and to any visitors to immediately turn on their heels and walk out your front door, swearing never to stop by or wave hello to you again.
When you capture a ghost what do you plan to do with it? Let us know in the comments below!