I know, I know. You just slap a quarter pound of turkey on white bread and call it a sandwich. But have you ever thought that you might be biased against certain sandwich toppings? It's a real problem, as Miracle Whip has shown:
So now that you finally, finally have an open mind, what else might you try adding to your sandwich?
You know when the internet was becoming popular, but there were still a few newspapers and magazines that fought hard against it? That's what regular cheese is doing against cream cheese—so clearly the superior cheese that once the general populace tries it, there'll be no going back. So get the internet. Cancel your subscription to the Times. And put cream cheese on your sandwich.
Mashed potatoes themselves don't have any flavor or texture really. I mean, unless you add gravy along with them, at which point, what are you? An anarchist? So what do mashed potatoes add to a sandwich? Heat my friend. The answer is heat. Can you even picture cold mashed potatoes? No. Because that's madness. With mashed potatoes you can turn any cold sandwich into a warm sandwich instantly. You're basically a magician. I mean, the world's absolute worst magician, but still a magician.
Do you know what a sandwich tastes like? That's right, delicious. Do you know what a sandwich with cranberries tastes like? Delicious plus Thanksgiving. And Thanksgiving tastes like warmth, like togetherness, like family. What in the world could you possibly think tastes better than the love of family? Candy? Get out of town.
You put tomatoes on a sandwich, right? And onions too, don't you? So you're already 3/4s of the way to putting salsa on your sandwich. Wouldn't it be convenient to just spoon all your toppings onto your sandwich, instead of chopping them up and delicately laying them on the bread? That is convenient, and we all know convenience is delicious.
Is your job terrible? Are you unsure if your wife loves you or not? Do you find yourself walking around in a haze, never knowing whether you actually feel emotions or you just want to feel something so badly that your brain tricks itself into believing it's feeling something? Then what you need to do is melt a Mars bar into some bread, my friend. Are you gonna be depressed after that? It's warm melted chocolate. Of course you're going to love it. And then you'll feel the sunshine on your face for the first time in what seems like years!
Which new sandwich topping are you most excited to try? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!