It’s safe to say all of us are fans of stuff. Is anyone not? If so, please stop reading this article (we have already gotten a precious page view out of you, YOU FOOL!) For the rest of us, we all know what we like, and we support those things to varying degrees. As a Toronto Raptors fan, I own a Toronto Raptors hat. Also, a decade’s worth of shame and embarrassment, but that wasn’t really a choice I made, it just came with the territory. Nothing seems to inspire as much rapid fandom as certain musical acts. These people go beyond just “liking what they like”, and move more into the territory of just “liking what I like, with the passion of a thousand stars going super nova”. After much research (that’s what I call watching television and getting into arguments with people) I believe I have discovered the 7 Bands Whose Fans Are A Little TOO Fanatical:
Insane Clown Posse
It’s not just that ICP fans have a specific name for themselves (“Juggalos”), and wear clown make-up, and spend a week every year at a gathering of said Juggalos that makes them seem so rabidly fanatical. No, it’s their total and complete humorlessness about everything they are fans of. Dressing up like clowns and drinking Faygo (the world’s worst soda) would be bad enough, but your inability to laugh at the lyrics “F-n magnets, how do they work?” show that you’re in way too deep.
KISS
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Kind of like ICP for the over forty subset, KISS concerts always involve a lot of black and white make-up, and dressing in space armor. But what makes KISS fans so rabid is the fact that KISS may actually be the worst band on Earth. For a musical group that inspired so much outrage and terror from God fearing parents through the 70s and 80s, their actual music is so lacking in edge the average Beach Boys fan woud listen to it and say “What’s this lame garbage?”
Rush
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A few weeks ago I made a casual joke about Geddy Lee sounding terrible for a lead singer, and since then there have been three attempts on my life. I am now in the witness protection program, which is why this is being published under the pseudonym “Ron Mexico”.
TOOL
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You know who really doesn’t like TOOL fans? Maynard James Keenan, TOOL’s lead singer, and someone who interacts with his fans as little as possible. I’ve been to a TOOL concert, and I have to say, I get where he’s coming from. Greasy hair and bad mustaches as far as the eye can see.
Chris Brown
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You can be the most casual fan of Chris Brown and that is still too fanatical. Let’s maybe move past allowing musicians to get away with horrible behavior, and at least hold them to 66% of the accountability we hold regular schmoes to?
Justin Bieber
I made fun of Justin Bieber in a tweet, and had three attempts on my life since last Tuesday. I am now in the witness protection program, and that is why I’m writing this under the pseudonym “Metta World Peace”.
Any Band Teenage Girls Are Into
Justin Bieber segues into this category very well. To start, young lady, do we need all the screaming and the yelling? Go back and watch footage of the Beatles walking off the plane into America. There isn’t that much screaming while Godzilla destroys Tokyo. Second, please stop driving mainstream musical tastes. Have you heard some of the garbage on the radio? HOW IS KATY PERRY SO BAD AT MUSIC YET STILL MAKING SAID MUSIC?!
Can everyone please cool out? Let us know in the comments!
