It's great getting time off from school for winter break, but it just isn't enough time off. We need to start observing more holidays so we have more time to rest between the horrors that are homework and tests. There are plenty of awesome holidays that totally deserve to be observed by the school system. Here are real January holidays that they should close school for.
Rubber Duckie Day (Jan 13)
You celebrate this holiday by hanging out all day in a bubble bath with all your best friends. My best friends are all rubber duckies. If they can somehow figure out how to make a mobile bath or install bathtubs in every classroom, then I might consider going to school. Until they are willing to be respectful of my beliefs and let me lounge in a bubble bath full of rubber duckies all day then I'll be at home soaking in a nice warm tub surrounded by scented candles.
Appreciate A Dragon Day (Jan 16)
This holiday is less than ten years old, but demands no less respect than any other holiday. To celebrate this day, you have to spend all day drawing pictures of dragons. It's going to be a little hard to get any schoolwork done since I'll be drawing sweet dragon pictures all day. That's fine you want to give me a pop quiz, but you're getting back a picture of a dragon. If I get any less than an A on my dragon picture then I will be contacting my lawyers for being discriminated against. I think it's better if we just call off school so we don't have to go through months of court battles.
Squirrel Appreciation Day (Jan 21)
I keep about a hundred or so squirrels living my house. I consider them to be my little roommates. Every year on this day, I create a tiny little spa for them including manipedis, a tiny steam room, and adorable little massages. I don't mind bringing them to school I guess. A lot of them have all sorts of diseases though so I don't know if you want a hundred diseased squirrels running around the school. They'll have to shut the down the school for a month for cleaning. So it's your choice, principal. Close for a day or for a month.
Talk Like A Grizzled Prospector Day (Jan 24)
This holiday is to celebrate the finding of gold in California. You don't have to be in California or own a ton of gold to celebrate. All you have to do is talk like an old timey prospector. School really should be closed for this. How are you supposed to get anything done all day if no one can understand what anyone is saying?
Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day (Jan 28)
I can't believe it's this close to Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day and I haven't gotten my Bubble Wrap Tuxedo finished. There's no way I'll be in school on this day. I'll be at the Bubblympiad in Indiana getting my pop on with fellow Bubble Wrap enthusiasts. If we all go, they have to close school. If they don't close school, you should at least take a ton of bubble wrap with you for some major popping sessions.
Thomas Crapper Day (Jan 29)
This guy didn't invent the toilet, but he popularized it so much with his company that crapper became another word for toilet. Without him, we might still be pooping in holes like animals. The best way to celebrate this day is to eat a ton of junk food on Crapper's Eve. They'll have to cancel school because the lines to the bathroom will be way too long for everyone to make it there on time.
National Polka Music Month
Polka music is pretty unlistenable, but it would be worth listening to it all day every day if you got to get a whole month of school off. I think this should be the deal. Anyone who stops listening to polka music during the month has to go back to school. If you can go the whole month while listening to polka music, then you get the whole rest of the year off. That's a pretty spectacular feat.
Which holiday do you plan on celebrating? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!