"Why do kids these days want to be famous so badly?" I murmured to myself yesterday while lying on my bathroom floor choking on tears. "It's like they don't even realize how tough it is to make a living off your image," I said as I slammed the doors of my medicine cabinet onto my head over and over, hoping to replace the inside pain with outside pain. "The youth of this country deserve to know! They need to know!" I spluttered through my swollen, bloody lips. That is why today's article is all about what celebrities do to themselves to stay lookin' so fine. Let's ch-ch-check it out!
Kim Kardashian
Rumors have floated around Kim K for years that she has silicone butt implants, but let me make this clear: the rumors are FALSE. In reality, her ample rear is packed with thousands of maggots. Only maggots have a texture and mobility that resembles human flesh enough to be a suitable implant for someone of Kim's discerning taste. To stay lookin' so good, Kim must replace the maggots every three days, lest they grow into flies and swarm out of her body at the VMAs.
Ryan Gosling
No matter what People Magazine says, Ryan Gosling, NOT Channing Tatum, is the sexiest man alive. This is because Ryan Gosling wrote a computer program that read the minds of all American women, then created a robot suit in the image that they would find most sexually attractive. Ryan put on the suit and became famous immediately. Now, Ryan must stop and recharge his robo-suit every half hour lest it run out of power and trap him inside forever. Fun fact: Ryan Gosling is actually a frail 16 year old from New Jersey.
Emma Watson
Emma Watson is in fact a centuries-old demigod who has cast a love spell on all living things. If you were to witness her true form, madness would overtake you in seconds. The only man to see it and live described it as "like a crocodile with a human baby's head trying to turn itself inside out." To stay lookin' as remarkably fine as she does, Emma eats money.
Tom Cruise
ENTRY REMOVED AT THE REQUEST OF THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY.
Megan Fox
Megan Fox was cryogenically frozen in 2004 and has made her servants swear that they will only unfreeze her in times of dire need (usually Maxim photoshoots). She has been awake for so little time that she hasn't eaten since the cup of Dippin' Dots she had before being frozen. Her handlers rarely unfreeze her anymore because they are worried that she might learn Dippin' Dots no longer exist, and, in a fit of rage, destroy the planet. Also, she gets a ton of plastic surgery.
Michael Jackson
In order to prevent further aging, Michael Jackson died in 2009.
Are you pretty on the inside? Talk about it in the comments, why don'tcha!
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