Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
The party was still raging on to deadmau5
Ripped stockings were hung by the chimney with care
Alongside the fishnets and lace underwear
The hook-ups were nestled all snug in their beds,
While hallucinations appeared in their heads,
Some dude in his naked, and I in my flesh,
Had just settled down for a long boning sesh
When out on the lawn there arose such a freakout
I sprang from my bed leaving half a butt cheek out
Away from the windows I flew as I flashed
Threw back some Advil and gathered my cash
When what to my half-open eyes should appear but a golden Trans Am
And eight glittery reindeer
With a reckless young driver who whipped them just ‘cause
I knew in a moment it must be Ke$ha Claus!
”On Dancer! On Prancer! On Jager! On Townie!”
”On Chugger! On Blazer! On Rich Kid on brownie!”
So up to the housetop the sparkly deer flew
With a backseat of boyz, and an amped Ke$ha, too
And in a hot minute I heard on the ceil’ all the clattering noise of each stiletto heel
Smudged makeup that stretched from her forehead to cheeks
Her clothes were all tarnished with dried vomit streaks
I took a deep breath and as my head spun around
When down the chimney she came with an autotuned sound
The backseat of boyz had all clung to her knee, and she looked like a hooker from 3000 A.D.
Her eyes, how bloodshot were they!
Her teeth in a state of decay!
Her skin like an orange left out in the sun!
And her beard like an… ew, yup, she had a beard.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work
Drank the booze on the mantle and punched out a jerk
And laying her finger aside of her nose
She fell to the floor in a clear overdose!
The boyz jacked her sleigh and reindeer took off
The partiers gathered and jeered as she coughed
I heard Ke$ha exclaim as she frothed from her tongue:
”Merry Christmas to all, and to all, DON’T DIE YOUNG!”