Technically, if you’re in a mall long enough, even the best Christmas songs become the worst Christmas songs just by hellish repetition. But there are some horrible songs that are so bad to begin with that you’ll want to put something sharper than your elbow in your ears to extinguish the sound. Side note: I fully endorse trying to stick your elbow in your ear, time well spent and a merry time had by all to watch.
10. “Everybody Knows The Clause” - Hanson
Full disclosure, I totally have a soft spot for anything Hanson. So even though this song is basically just an awful “Mmmbop” retread I would totally, legitimately put it on an X-mas CD. Irony is always cool right?
9. “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk For Christmas” – John Denver
While the best country music is all about the misery and quiet desperation of simple folk with problems bigger than themselves, this one is just too painfully relatable for too many people. Play this in a dive bar outside of town and get ready for the biggest, burliest biker to bawl like a baby on your shoulder. But hey, if that’s your thing and you want a sad bastard Christmas song, this is the one for you.
8. “Funky, Funky Christmas” – New Kids On The Block
More than half the lyrics of this 90s time capsule are just, “funky, funky Christmas”. It’s clearly a hastily thrown together tune to shake the Christmas allowance from their legions of fans around the holidays. Come to think of it, has One Direction come out with a Christmas album yet? Or would a boy band doing a cover of a boy band song cause the world to collapse in on itself under the weight of too many hormones?
7. “Christmas Conga”- Cyndi Lauper
Cyndi Lauper is a vocal legend, an activist, a fashion icon, and by all accounts a lovely human being. But Christmas Conga might be the song most likely playing for all eternity in the bowels of Krampus as he slowly digests all the naughty children.
6. “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” – Donald Yetter Gardner
I hate any song that is written to be sung by overly precocious children at a never-ending holiday pageant or creepily sung by full grown adults as if they were overly precocious children at a never-ending holiday pageant. This is the sweet spot of that sort of misery.
5. “Merry Christmas With Love” – Clay Aiken
There are so many Christmas songs that sound like a warm, damp blanket made out of a rolled out cheese log that’s slowly smothering you but this has got to be one of the worst.
4. “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” – Elmo and Patsy
The funny thing about novelty songs is that they’re not.
3. “Boys and Girls Xmas Time Love” – Cheeky Girls
I had never heard or heard of this song before making this list and I can say with all certainty that it’s the best worst Christmas music video to ever crawl out of the Eurotrash that spawned it. Its got beefcake boys and bikini girls, its got heavily accented and gyrating twins, its got an absurd rap break and above all there is absolutely no real tangible connection to Christmas whatsoever! I love it, watch it now.
2. “The Christmas Shoes” - Newsong
There’s nothing I could say that could top the superlative riff on this crap song by Patton Oswalt so I’ll leave it to him. I will say that the TV movie based on the song has got to be the Rob Lowe’s second worst career move between the upcoming Cassie Anthony movie and all those drugs in the 80s.
1. “Santa Claus Has Got The Aids This Year” – Tiny Tim
Allegedly, ALLEGEDLY, Tiny Tim didn’t actually mean the horrifying disease but just the unfortunately named diet bar ”Ayds” from the late 70s. Even so, the coincidence makes for one the most bizarre, unfortunate and inappropriately hilarious X-mas songs ever and the defacto number one spot on the list. You can top Santa having Aids I don’t care how Funky your Christmas is.
Did I miss any stinkers? Any of the songs not deserve to be here? Let me know in the comments!
Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or I will come caroling these songs at your house.