Gawd...parents are so lame, amirite? Always buyin’ the purple stuff instead of Sunny D, wearing those awful pleated khakis they’ve had since the 80’s, driving around in that über embarrassing minivan of theirs...it’s like, get a clue, amirite? They’re so clueless, they probably think you’re doing the following dorky activities RIGHT NOW. They, however, are sorely mistaken.
Ma thinks you’re in the basement doing that "Gundam Style" dance all the kids nowadays are going gaga over. That’s why she’s got a tray of Totino’s Pizza Rolls in the oven – after all, you’re gonna need more “boogie” fuel!
Work Hard, Play Hard
Your dumb-dumb folks think you’re working hard and bettering yourself by helping to beautify your community – in reality, you’re working hard on bettering your anti-social skills by beating people with a crowbar in Grand Theft Auto.
It Ain’t Good
Listen – your parents don't know what, you’re doing, but they know it ain't good. What’s that in your hand, young man? Your right hand! Is that...is that...bath salts? Are you on bath salts, young man? Look at me when I’m talking to you!
Reading Big Boy Books
You’re a big kid now...as such, it would stand to reason that, when you read books, you read books without pictures. That’s what your parents assume, anyhow. But you know what assuming does, right? It makes an ass out of your parents.
Meatloaf’s ready! Mommy Dearest thinks you’re washing up for supper. Little does she know your hands are teeming with germs.
According to your mother, you’re calling your grandmother – that’s why your cell phone keeps going to voicemail. Because you finally realized no, it wouldn’t kill you to call grammy. You know she doesn't have that much time left. You know how lonely she’s been since pop-pop passed. Blah, blah, blah.
Your delusional folks think you’re out in the world making them proud – could you imagine anything more absurd? Unless screaming at random strangers via Xbox Live makes ‘em proud, the chances of you actually instilling pride in your parents is slim to none.
Kibosh on Smosh
Your parents know you’re a good egg. That’s why they think, right now, you’re reading anything but Smosh. Good God...anything but Smosh.
It’s 10PM...do you know where your parents think you are? Let me know in the comments!