It’s the season of giving, which is great when you’re on the receiving end of that giving but not-so-great when you’re expected to reciprocate buying something for the douche bag you were assigned to in Secret Santa. Rather than turn bitter about throwing your hard-earned cash at the person who knowingly asked your crush to Homecoming, why not get a little creative with a strategically sucky holiday present? Here are some gift ideas to give to frenemies.
Clothing From Forever 21
You know that dress is going to fall apart after five washes. But, like any clothing one purchases from Forever 21, she’ll remember how cute it was when she first received it, and she won’t be able to process that she’d be justified in throwing it out now that it’s clinging awkwardly to the top of her butt. She’ll keep it in the back of her closet cluttering up valuable pole space, and eventually it’ll contribute to her not being able to find that skirt you both own but you had first.
A Too-Intricate Personal Planner
This time of year, malls are freaking out about how you’re going to want to buy calendars and agendas for your loved ones. In practice, however, planners often end up being a total bummer, as they contain more goal-planning sections than hours of the day in which one actually has the motivation to be productive. Give your frenemy one of those “Plan of Action” Filofaxes and watch as he realizes he’s complacent letting his Harvard dreams slip away.
Skechers Shape Ups
Not only are these shoes strange-looking, but they’re associated with injury lawsuits and claims that they just don’t work. Your frenemy will think you’re looking out for her physical fitness, but you’re really just looking for her to start limping through those cheer routines.
More like, “The worst part of waking up,” am I right? Folgers is weaksauce and doesn’t really fulfill the duty of coffee, which makes it a great gift for someone whom you’d like to see suffer. And even if your frenemy is one of those people who responds well to just a little caffeine, there’s always the possibility that you’ll get him hooked to the point where he’s falling asleep in that curved math class.
You can be all like, “Dude, you’re getting a Dell!” and then pretend you had no idea it would crash in the middle of finals week three years later. Because it will do that, whether or not you will it to be so. But in the meantime, you just gave your Secret Santa a frickin’ computer!
A Diseased Puppy
Every animal deserves a home, even the ones that will die shortly after New Year’s. Your frenemy is probably a lonely person, so getting a puppy around the holidays will be a nice thing in the short-term. Then she’ll be all grief-stricken before the musical tryouts in January, and you’ll for SURE be cast as Elphaba because now you’re… WICKED.
What other gifts could you give to a frenemy? Let us know in the comments!