Anyone who has spent more than five seconds on online gaming is well aware that it's a cesspool of racism and terror. But stick around a little while longer and you'll find there's plenty of non-game entertainment to be had there. Case in point: my favorite things I've heard shouted on Xbox Live.
"Go to hell IN HELL!"
This may pose a theological problem to our religious readers, but according to one young man who was quite upset about getting shot in the face, hell has its own sub-hell. This makes me think that the kid I killed had been to hell and back, and knew that wishing damnation upon me was pretty tame compared to hell's hell. Pretty heavy stuff for a twelve year old!
"I DON'T LIKE YOU!!!!!!"
Hate is really just twisted love. This kid knew that the only way to really get to me was to communicate his dislike for me as a person, way deep down. It stung. I will never forgive him or myself.
"(80,000-way tie between every time I've been called gay)"
Believe it or not, I actually enjoy being called all varieties of homophobic slurs on Xbox Live. Why? Well, there are lots of things on Xbox Live that are just plain insults, almost none of which can be printed here. Getting called gay is just an incorrect fact. Unfortunately, no one has every screamed "YOU HAVE BLUE HAIR" at me, which is equally incorrect and equally not an insult, but much funnier.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! AAAHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
Humankind has given the world such articulate masterpieces as the plays of Shakespeare, the Sistine Chapel, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Humankind also shouts a lot. Once on Xbox Live I heard a guy scream wordlessly for about 40 straight seconds. It connected me with my animal side so much that I tore off my clothes and ate a bunch of raw steaks. Other than the food poisoning, it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. What I'm saying is art is overrated.
"You are nothing like the man I hoped you would be."
Don't play Xbox Live with your dad. He doesn't like Xbox Live.
Do you have unresolved rage issues? Let us know in the comments!