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The Insane Steps I Took to Avoid Dark Knight Rises Spoilers


For someone like me who forgot to get midnight tickets and isn't seeing The Dark Knight Rises until Tuesday, the world has become a harrowing place. Everyone has already seen it, and Twitter is a veritable minefield. Since Friday it's felt like I've been playing a big game of five finger filet - the danger is imminent and palpable. But because I'm determined to see the movie with completely fresh eyes, here are the insane steps I took to avoid Dark knight Rises spoilers.


Shut off the internet

take out ethernet


Sure, I missed emails letting me know that my grandma was in the hospital, but I also misused emails from Fandango that might've contained spoilers. I can always visit Grandma next weekend when none of my favorite movie trilogies of all time are ending. I mean, if she hangs on that long. It is not looking good.


Bought and burned Barnes and Noble's entire collection of graphic novels

burning comic books


It's been said that Christopher Nolan won't be translating any particular comic for The Dark Knight Rises, but a number of them. It's not even certain that they're Batman comics he's pulling from. So they've all got to go.


Put on giant headphones and listen to Tool's 1996 album Ænima

big headphones


I picked the album that would sound least like music to me so I would spend all my time focusing on the hatred of the music rather than accidentally overhearing anyone talking about Dark Knight Rises.


Stopping anyone from talking the moment they make a "B" sound

angry pointing


"Hey, I was going to make some smoothies, you want one?"
"Sure, what Kind?"
"Strawberry banan—"
"I wasn't going to say 'Batman', I was going to say ba—"


Yelled at my cat

scared cat




Eat nothing but moruga scorpion peppers

scorpion peppers


The moruga scorpion, the world's hottest pepper clocking in at over 2 million scoville units, it was hard to focus on absolutely anything besides where to find more milk. And I know milk hasn't seen The Dark Knight Rises. Have you milk? Have you?


Stayed home and closed all my windows

closing windows


I couldn't risk going out and overhearing anyone, even my excessively loud upstairs neighbors, talking about Dar Knight Rises, so I spent the week at home with windows sealed. I wish I had had the foresight to cancel the exterminators that were coming that week, but at least the flames of fans are increased to twenty decibels along the Gruntilda pass of nachos grease pit angle angle side free mason free bird turntable cul de sac.


Were you able to see The Dark Knight Rises un-spoiled? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!


Check out Early Reviews Call 'The Dark Knight Rises' Literally the Greatest Film Ever Made

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