Sure, America's free market-based Capitalism has caused tons of asian children to work themselves to death, but the TRUE evil it's wrought is the fact that Capitalism forces video game companies to haphazardly add multiplayer modes to their games hoping players will be less likely to trade them in to GameStop. Here are the worst examples of bad, dumb, useless multiplayer.
Metroid Prime 2: Echoes
There wasn't enough to Metroid Prime 2's split-screen deathmatch multiplayer mode to separate it from the other brilliant multiplayer experiences we were getting at the time. In other words, Metroid Prime 2's multiplayer is a pre-GoldenEye game in a post-Halo world. And thus, I did with my copy of Metroid Prime 2 what must be done with all dinosaurs and threw it into the La Brea tar pits along with my grandmother and 1996 Geo Metro.
Bioshock the First was one of the best games of this generation, mainly because its underwater world of Rapture was unlike anything we'd ever seen before. So when a sequel was announced, it faced the difficult task of recreating that wonder and novelty.
"Maybe we should add multiplayer to our first person shooter," suggested a Bioshock designer who probably brings sand to the beach, extra tables to potlucks.
To win in Assassin's Creed multiplayer, you have to look into a sea of visually similar characters and figure out which are your real-life opponents and which are game-generated artificial intelligence. It's an interesting concept, to be sure, but YOU have to pretend to be a game character as well, so the gameplay itself is you walking around slowly and trying not to do anything interesting. Essentially, you're pretending to be an AI, which is THE MOST BORING THING. If I wanted to pretend to be a computer I'd go try to talk to my cousin with Asperger's.
PlayStation All Stars Battle Royale
Granted, the whole game is a multiplayer mode, but this is such a clear Smash Bros. clone that I feel the whole thing is useless. Now, I know, I know. This is a much DEEPER fighting game than Smash Bros., but if you wore the same dress as another woman to, say, a gala, you wouldn't say it was different because it has a slightly stronger stitching.
New Super Mario Bros. Wii
The multiplayer is New Super Mario Bros. Wii is a catch 22 — the only way to be good enough at Mario to survive its chaotic four-player mode is to have played enough Mario games that you've ostracized everyone in your life. Therefore you don't HAVE anyone to play multiplayer with you. The number of times the multiplayer mode in New Super Mario Bros. Wii has been played is the exact number of combs sold to bald people.
When playing Uncharted, you put up with the terrible gameplay because the story is cool and feels cinematic. So why have a ,multiplayer mode that inherently must strip away the cool, cinematic feeling of the campaign and focus on the wretched, flimsy gameplay? It's like peeling an orange and eating the rind. It's like only watching season 2 of Friday Night Lights. It's like making a rap mixtape with only skits. It's like being murdered as a child and not getting any free candy. It's like buying a bag of Hershey's Kisses and only getting the wrappers.
What's the worst multiplayer game you've ever played? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!