Facebook really is a great way to connect with awesome people both from your current life and from the past. Some people just shouldn't be on it though. It's supposed to be fun to see what all of your friends are up to. These people try to ruin it for everyone. Here are people you should unfriend on Facebook.
No. I don't want to come to your stand-up comedy show. No. I don't want to see your Nickelback cover band. No. I don't want to come to a fundraiser for IBS awareness. No. I don't want to come see your experimental dance troupe. No. I don't want to come to your 80's themed birthday party. Nothing you've ever invited me to has ever sounded fun. They're not even a friend at this point. They're basically just the modern equivalent of a sleazy car salesman.
This person really wants you to think that they have a super sweet life. They're always going out to awesome VIP parties or doing extreme sports. It really makes you wonder what you're doing with your life to see someone else have this amazing, perfect existence. But don't worry about it too much. They're totally full of BS. The reality is that they have photoshop and way too much free time.
This person is a real downer. They post every day about how terrible their life is. If you have a computer with internet access and a Facebook account then your life probably isn't really all that bad. It's still a huge bummer to see that in your timeline all the time. Posting sad stuff on the internet for attention stopped being cool in 6th grade. They've got to go.
This person has pretty much no idea what they're talking about so they let other people talk for them. They always have a new cause that you totally should also support because if you don't the planet will literally explode. If they put in half of the time volunteering somewhere that they did posting about their new cause of the day, they might actually be able to make a difference.
Family Member That Doesn't Get Jokes
Facebook is kind of a fun digital hang out place for you and all of your friends. It's not a place for your oblivious aunt who you never see to call your mom everytime you post anything mildy offensive. If she gets offended by you calling someone a turdface then she should just never use Google image search ever. Once you see the horrible things that Google has to show you, you never get to unsee them.
Do you have an opinion on anything? Well, this person has the opposite opinion and they're totally going to prove their point by commenting on your status twenty times. Whenever I get a new notification, I get excited like I'm opening a present on Christmas morning. It could be anything. Getting notifications about this douche is like opening a box full of ants. They don't really do any harm, but they're super annoying and won't go away.
A lot of games try to give you free stuff for recruiting more people in to the game. Most people are classy enough to not harass their friends constantly with requests to join some dumb game where you click on pictures of corn over and over. If you want to waste your life, that's fine. Just don't try to drag me down with you.
Inspirational Quote Poster
They just really want to use Facebook for good instead of evil and inspire someone in the world to do something awesome. They're obviously not doing anything awesome since they're just posting inspiring quotes all the time. I just hope that one day they read their own posts and get inspired to spell correctly.
Hmm... NEW FRIEND REQUEST!! YAY! Well, I don't know this person, but they're kind of cute, and we have a lot of mutual friends in common. Sure. Why not? I can't tell you how many times I've had this conversation in my head. Someone that goes around friending people they don't know is a crazy person and should be avoided at all costs.
Relationships are hard, but when they end, let them end. You have to unfriend them. It isn't a slight against them. It is because you have absolutely no self control to stop stalking their profile constantly. You're just setting yourself up for a spiral. Where are they? Who's that person they're with? Why do the look so happy? NOOOOO!!!
How many people did this article inspire you to unfriend? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!