The Center for Disease Control Center for Disease Control and Homeland Security may claim that they’re just using the zombie trend to prepare people for possible disaster scenarios, but I don’t buy it. They don’t want to cause mass hysteria but obviously they know something is coming. Why do you think there are so many Zombie movies, video games, comics and books out right now? Because we like seeing bloody torsos and screaming hot chicks? Fools! It’s all a part of the plan. You may think I’ve gone mad Rockabilly Oompa Loompa with sporks for hands. But nobody will be calling me crazy when I’m the keeper of the Ramen. Muahahaha. HA. Ha. ha. OK! Here are some practical skills to learn before the inevitable.
1. Learn Parkour
Zombies may be fast or slow, but you know what they can’t do? Climb. They also can’t do the robot, but I would avoid rubbing that in when you’re one on one. You ever seen a grown zombie cry?
2. Make a Kit
In the aftermath we won’t be judged by the color of our skin or the content of our character. We will be judged by what we’re packing in our kits. Some will put first aid, can openers and matches, so obvious. My kit is going to include my replica of the Millennium Falcon and a grilled cheese press. I said I couldn’t live without either and NOBODY is going to call me a liar!
3. Get Used to Canned Food
The first person who says, “give peas a chance” gets thrown to the zombie horde.
4. Take Acting Classes
Most every single zombie movie has the one scene where our living characters have to play dead to outwit the teaming mass of undead. Why wait and leave your performance to your improv skills? Better yet go to Walmart and watch how the living dead do it right now.
5. Learn How To Use Household Objects As Melee Weapons
Everyone knows that to kill a zombie you have to deliver a headshot.
The obvious thing to do is learn how to shoot any kind of weapon, but once the ammo is depleted you’re going to go looking for something around you to use. Test yourself by looking around the room your in right now for something to grab and smash on the soft skulls of the decomposing corpse approaching. Try to resist the urge to practice on the soft skulls of your classmates/roommates/coworkers, you don’t want to get us sued.
6. Sever Ties With Loved Ones
Look, there’s going to come a time where you will have to kill the ones you love. Nana and Pop Pop don’t run very fast so you’re going to have to eventually take them out.
Why not just cut them and all your loved ones out right now so you have a head start not caring when you shoot them in the head. Wait, actually, most zombie film survivors learn that you have to work together and love one another to make it. Well, hedge your bets and just choose one person in your life and be a real d$%k to them. It couldn’t hurt.
How would you survive the Zombie Apocalypse? Let me know in haiku form on Twitter or leave a comment below!